29 #3
“I’ve given you nothing else.”
“You’ve given me anger, punishment, and every vicious thing you could find because cruelty is easier for you than admitting you’re grieving.”
“You don’t get to tell me how I grieve.”
“You don’t get to use grief as permission to destroy me.”
“You survived.”
“Barely.”
“So did I.”
“Then stop acting like you’re the only one who bled!”
“I know you bled!” My voice broke, and I shoved my hand against my chest again.
“I had it delivered to me every fucking day. I knew what my silence did to you while you knew nothing about me because I refused to give you another piece. Do you understand that? You already had all of me once. You don’t get access to what happened after you broke it. ”
“I didn’t know you were breaking.”
“You didn’t look.”
“I was looking at my father because I couldn’t breathe!”
“And I was looking at you because you were the only fucking person in that room who mattered!”
The study rose between us again, but I refused to walk back through every second of it. I was tired of living inside that room, tired of the floor beneath her eyes, Lance’s satisfaction, and the sound of my own voice asking for something love should’ve given before I begged.
Charm shoved my chest. “You make one terrified moment bigger than everything else we were.”
I caught her hand before she could do it again. “It was big enough to kill everything we were.”
“You decided that.”
“You confirmed it.”
“No, Ryan. You needed one person to love you perfectly because everyone else failed you, and the second I proved I was human, you turned me into another name on the list.”
“You want to call what happened human? Fine. I’m human too, Charm. I get to have a point where love isn’t enough.”
“You get anger and rage. You get to kiss me just to hurt me, fight your best friend, disappear, choose a city because I’ve never touched it, and call all of it survival. I froze for one moment after twenty-three years of being trained to obey my father, and you call it betrayal.”
“It was betrayal of the worst kind.”
“And what do you call what you did to me in this lodge?”
“Consequences.”
“A punishment.”
“Yes.”
“Say it.”
“I punished you.”
Her eyes burned into mine. “Did it help?”
“No.”
“Did it make you stop loving me?”
“No.”
“Did it make you trust me again?”
“No.”
“Then what did it do?”
“It made you hurt.”
Her palm cracked across my cheek, snapping my head to the side. The lodge went silent except for our breathing.
Charm stared at the red mark spreading across my face like she couldn’t believe she’d done it. I turned back slowly, the sting from her hand mixing with the bruise already beneath my eye.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Don’t.”
“I shouldn’t have—”
“Don’t you fucking apologize now.”
“You said you wanted to hurt me.”
“I did.”
“You stood there and admitted you used the one thing between us that always felt honest to punish me.”
“I did.”
“You made me feel disgusting for still wanting you.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t know shit either!” she screamed.
“You don’t know what it did to me when you touched me the way you always did, kissed me like I still belonged to you, and then laughed in my face for believing it.
You don’t know what it felt like to stand there while the only man who ever made me feel beautiful used my body to prove I was stupid. ”
My stomach twisted. “That wasn’t what I—”
“You don’t get to tell me what it was. You did it to me, so I decide how it felt.”
The echo of my own anger thrown back at me left nowhere to hide.
“I know it was wrong.”
“Did you know when you did it?”
“Yes.”
“Then why?”
“Because I wanted you to hurt like I did!”
“I already did!”
“It wasn’t enough!”
The admission ripped my throat raw. Charm’s entire face broke, but she remained in front of me.
“What would’ve been enough?” she asked. “How much did I have to lose before your pain felt seen? My friends, my family, school, food, or sleep? Did I have to hate myself enough for you to believe I loved you?”
“Don’t put that shit on me.”
“I’m asking where it ends.”
“It ended at my apartment.”
“No, it didn’t. If it had ended there, you wouldn’t be looking at me like this.”
“You don’t know how I’m looking at you.”
“Like you want to devour me and punish me for the craving.”
Heat moved through me so fast it became another form of anger, and Charm saw it.
Her chest rose sharply beneath my jersey. “That’s what you hate most, isn’t it? Your mind can turn me into the enemy, but your body still knows me.”
“Stop.”
“You still want me.”
“I said stop.”
“You searched the stands for me.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“You chose Milwaukee so you could run somewhere my fingerprints wouldn’t follow you.”
“I’m warning you.”
“And you came back here alone because signing without me hurt more than you expected.”
I grabbed the counter on either side of her, trapping her between my arms without touching her. “You think you understand tonight?”
“I understand that the biggest dream of your life came true, and you couldn’t stay at the celebration.”
“I needed space.”
“You needed me.”
“I needed you before you fucked everything up.”
“You need me now.”
“I hate you now.”
“You love me more.”
“That’s why I have to hate you!” The words exploded through the lodge.
Charm’s breath caught, but she didn’t retreat. “Then hate me. Hate me without pretending it makes you free.”
“You think this is freedom?”
“I think you’re so afraid of losing another piece of yourself that you would rather tear out everything I touched.”
“That is exactly what I’m doing.”
“You’ll have nothing left.”
“I’ve survived with less.”
Her face crumpled before rage restored it. “That doesn’t make you strong. It makes you alone.”
“I know how to be alone.”
“You shouldn’t have to be.”
“You don’t get to decide that for me anymore.”
“I’m not asking to decide. I’m asking you to stop acting like what we had is replaceable.”
“It isn’t.”
The answer silenced her, and I kept going before either of us could soften around it.
“I will never find this again, and neither will you. I know exactly what I’m walking away from, and I’m doing it anyway.”
“Because your pride is injured?”
“Because you gutted me!”
“You keep calling it pride because admitting you destroyed something irreplaceable would require you to live with it.”
“I already live with it every fucking second.” I struck my chest hard enough to hurt. “All the years you’ve known me, all those months we fucked and slept beside each other and fell in love, and you never thought you would see this version of me.”
“I always knew he was there.”
“No, you didn’t.” I tapped two fingers against my temple.
“This motherfucker lives inside me all the time. El Cuchillo isn’t something people yell when I score.
It’s the part of me that knows how to survive after everybody else has taken what they came for.
The reason I will never let another motherfucker carry away a piece of my soul. ”
“I didn’t take it.”
“I gave it to you!”
My shout crashed through the room. I threw both hands into the air because I couldn’t hold the rage inside my body anymore.
“You had it, Charm. Every ugly fucking piece I protected from everyone who ever tried to own me, place me, use me, or leave me. I gave it to you because I believed you were the one person who would never make me feel disposable.”
“I have never believed you were disposable.”
“I don’t care what you believed. I care what you did.”
“You think I don’t?”
“I think you believe hating yourself for it should count as fixing it.”
“That isn’t fair.”
“Nothing about this is fair.”
“I know I need help.”
“For yourself or because you want me back?”
“For both.”
“Wrong fucking answer.”
“Then what do you want from me?”
“Nothing!”
“You’re screaming because you want nothing?”
“I’m screaming because I want everything, and I know better than to take it!”
Her eyes widened. I closed the final space between us until every breath pushed my chest against hers.
“You gutted me, and you think I’ll forget because you finally learned how to fight after I stopped being yours.
” My voice tore apart beneath the force of everything coming through it.
“You think I’ll hand you my soul again because you showed up in my jersey and watched me from a place I couldn’t see you. ”
“I never asked for your soul.”
“You didn’t have to. It was already yours.”
“Then stop pretending you took it back.”
The words landed directly inside the wound. I stared at her while my breathing became too loud in the space between us.
“Llévate mi puta alma para que nunca puedas volver a lastimarme.”
Her mouth trembled. “What does that mean?”
“Take my fucking soul so you can never hurt me again.”
“Ryan—”
“I will never let you hurt me again.”
She shoved me, but I barely moved.
“I heard you.”
“Then believe me.”
“I don’t.”
She shoved harder, and this time I caught both wrists.
“I said I’ll never let you hurt me again.”
“And I said I don’t believe you!” She tore one hand free and fisted it in the front of my shirt. “You’re standing here bleeding all over me while insisting I can’t reach you.”
“You can’t.”
“I already have.”
“You don’t get to keep what you broke.”
“Then take it back.”
“I tried.”
“Try harder.”
“You think I haven’t?”
“I think you made damn sure I watched you leave while hiding every second you wanted to come back.”
My hand closed around her hip. Charm looked down at it, and neither of us knew when I’d touched her.
Her fingers tightened in my shirt. “Let go.”
I didn’t.
“You said I don’t get to keep you.”
“You don’t.”
“Then let go of me.”
My grip tightened until her body pressed against mine.
“That’s what I thought,” she whispered.
“Don’t fucking test me.”
“Why? Are you afraid you’ll fail too?”
I pulled her against me hard enough to steal the breath from both of us. “You want to know what I’m afraid of? This. You this close, with your mouth saying all the shit I’ve spent days teaching myself not to believe.”
“My mouth told you the truth.”
“Your mouth gives me pretty lies.”
“I love you.”
“Shut up.”
“I love you.”
“Charm.”