Chapter 36
Lily - Present
“After we found out I had leukemia, Mum and Dad were super protective. Even Tyler, my big brother, changed. It was all pretty suffocating, but I knew deep down they meant well. I felt so bad that my illness was affecting them all so much. I tried so hard to get better, and I did. I went through all the treatments. I had a round of chemotherapy, which they hoped would kill off the cells, and it did. They caught it early enough for the chemotherapy to work. I had to have a round of radiotherapy and then take tablets for six months to make sure it was gone. I was lucky I got the all clear that year.” I take a breath and squeeze my eyes closed, trying to think about how I tell him this next part.
“Petardo.” He runs his hand up and down my arms. “You only tell me what you’re ready to.” Bringing my eyes back to his, I take him in.
“I want to tell you everything, but you look so tired. I shouldn’t be doing this now.” I feel guilty for waking him and showing him what plagues my mind. But he’s been so open and honest with me. If he runs after what I tell him, I know deep down I’ll be crushed.
“Don’t worry about me. Having you here next to me is all I need right now.”
“I should let you sleep.” I go to leave, but he grabs my wrist.
“I’m okay.” His voice is soft and calming as his thumb drifts tenderly over my wrist. The look in his eyes makes my resolve slip, and I sink back down into the mattress.
“I’ll feel better if you stay.” We’re silent for so long I feel like he might be asleep, but the movement of his hands on my back tells me he is still awake.
“I was a normal kid again.” I break the silence, feeling so safe tucked into his chest, and he kisses the top of my head.
“I got my chance at captaining the school football team, and I started training with City’s under elevens.
I could leave it all out there, you know.
On the pitch, I could be free. I still had to have tests to make sure that I was still in remission, and everything was looking good.
Until I turned sixteen, and it came back.
” I don’t realize I’m crying until Diaz pulls back slightly and tips my chin up to gently wipe away my tears.
“Sorry, I’m not normally as emotional as this. ”
“Never apologize for showing your emotions. I’ll wipe away your tears when you need me too. They aren’t a weakness.”
“You always been this soft?”
“No, it’s you that’s making me soft.”
“I thought I made you hard?”
“Don’t be cute.” He smirks, and this is why I know I can tell him everything. He makes me feel safe and allows me to be myself without changing who he is.
“That’s my line.” I kiss his palm that is still cupping my cheek.
“When the cancer came back, it was more aggressive, and I had to be admitted for a longer period.” I place my head back on his chest and trace the tattoos on his arms. “I had a friend I was in chemo with when I was nine, her name was Nelly.” My breath catches as I say her name.
“The disease came back for her too. She was already there in the hospital when I was admitted that second time. She made each day I was there so much brighter.” I stop as I try to gather my thoughts, as the memories of this part of my life are not ones I’m proud of.
“I really struggled with the sickness and the time away from my normal life. This time, I was so angry at the world for making me go through this again. I was so selfish, not looking at what it was doing to everyone else around me. Didn’t take note of how my parents aged so quickly that year due to worry, and how my mum practically wasted away.
How my brother took a job at the local supermarket instead of going to university, just so he could be nearby in case he was needed.
And how each of my friends made sacrifices to be there for me.
No, I was so focused on my own life. So selfish and self-absorbed. I’m embarrassed with how I acted.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, you were going through something traumatic. It’s understandable you were so angry.”
“Angry, yes, but not at everyone, who I was meant to lean on. I was so awful to them. God, how Beck is still my friend after how I treated him, I’ll never know.
He just took it all and never let me go.
He is a true friend. I'll never be able to repay him for what he did and continues to do for me. The man is someone I know I can’t live without. ”
“He seems like a special man.”
“He truly is. But don’t tell him I said so, I’ll never hear the end of it. He may be one of the best men I know, but he is also one cocky asshole and will constantly remind me that I think he is amazing. You two would really get along.” I chuckle as Marcus interlinks our fingers.
“He did seem pretty fun at the gala.”
“He is definitely fun. More like a menace, if I’m honest.” I watch as he slowly strokes his thumb over mine, he’s silently waiting for me to keep going.
“One particular afternoon I was in the hospital and Beck came to visit me. I was in for some overnight observations and was going to be missing our school leavers ball, so I was really angry. When he showed up in his tux, I lost it with him. I knew deep down it wasn’t his fault that he got to go and I didn’t, but my stupid teenage mouth ran away with me and called him some nasty things.
I regretted saying them instantly, but I was too stubborn to apologize.
But when he left, Nelly gave me a right mouthful.
I deserved everything she said to me. And after that, I tried my hardest not to let the anger out.
I apologized to Beck and to everyone else, and I bottled it all up, putting on the brave smile, but deep down, I was breaking.
Every time I smiled and made some preppy, upbeat comment about how everything was going to be okay, I felt a part of me snap.
But it was okay. I did get better. I got to ring the bell and get out of the hospital. I survived again.”
“You’re amazing.” He maneuvers us so we are sitting, and he can grip my cheeks. He kisses each one. “You really are so strong.”
“I’m not finished.” I shake my head. “I got better but…” I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the pain as I rub at my chest as that knot that had loosened in Marcus’s presence starts to squeeze around my heart again. “But Nelly didn’t.”
Marcus doesn’t say anything. Just keeps his protective hold on me, as I curl further into his chest. “She died. She died eight months after I rang that bell. And do you know where I was, what I was doing? I was playing my first starting match for City Ladies. I was doing what I love because I was lucky enough to survive. I was so cruel and heartless throughout it all. I didn’t deserve to be the one of us to survive.
Where she was so humble and upbeat about everything.
She was just such a loving person. All she wanted to do when she beat her cancer was to be a nurse.
She wanted to care for everyone else, do something so selfless, and what did I want to do?
Run around on a pitch for ninety minutes.
To this day, I hate the fact that I get to do what I love, get that feeling of freedom, and she wanted to give so much more back to the world, and she was taken.
It just doesn’t seem fair.” I can’t help the tears now; they stream down my cheeks.
He grips me tighter and kissing them away.
“You have no idea how much you give back, do you? You may have gone a different path to her, but you are selfless, and you do bring a smile to people’s faces.
I see you, Lily Chambers.” I look up at him through my watery eyes and notice that his eyes are slightly glassy.
“And to hear you say that you didn’t deserve to survive breaks me.
You deserve everything.” I reach up and kiss his lips softly as I continue to cry, and I feel one of his tears drop onto my cheek. Pulling back slightly, I wipe it away.
“I have a lot of issues since then with people I get close to dying. I know it’s irrational, but Nelly was a crutch to me in the hospital; she helped me through so much, and when she died, it hurt so much more than the treatment ever did.
I struggled a lot after that day with anxiety attacks.
Sometimes before matches, but most of the time, it was if someone was leaving me for any length of time or if they were ill.
” I gather my thoughts as I know what I’m about to say is hugely irrational.
“I also have these dreams when I’m anxious that the people I love are all dying.
All sitting in the same hospital I was, going through the treatment, but nothing works, and all I’m doing is moaning and complaining until it's too late and I realize I could have helped if I wasn’t so angry. ”
“Jesus, Petardo, have you ever spoken to anyone about this?” The raw emotion on his face hits me straight in the chest.
“Only Beck and the girls. They know when I’m going to have an attack.”
“Without sounding like a dick, you need to talk to someone. Please talk to Fiona.”
“I will.”
“It’s that easy? You won’t fight me on this?”
“No.” I take his lips, kissing him gently, hoping I tell him exactly how I’m feeling through this kiss. I pull away slightly. “I’ve been stumbling around in the dark for too long.”
“I’ll help you find the light.” He rests his forehead against mine.
What he doesn’t realize is, he already has.