Chapter 18
“Psst.”
Jude’s whisper jolts me awake, and I gasp. “What happened?”
“Shit, sorry, I didn’t realize you were asleep,” they say softly, obviously trying not to laugh.
Remembering where we are and what we’re doing, I recover from the scare and let out a yawn. “I wasn’t asleep,” I say through the yawn. “Just resting my eyes.”
“Are you enjoying this?” Jude asks, gesturing up at the screen.
Glancing up, it doesn’t take long to realize that I have no idea what’s going on in this movie. Even worse, I’m not even sure how much time has passed, either. “I’m not not enjoying it,” I answer.
“Do you want to head upstairs and watch something else instead? Or play video games?”
That weird fluttering happens in my chest again. More than anything. “You sure you don’t want to finish this first?”
Jude scrunches their nose and shakes their head. “Nah, I’ve seen it before. It’s not bad, but it’s not Anderson’s best work, either.”
I hesitate for a moment, then smile. “Well, okay, let’s bail.”
The two of us do our best to gather everything as quickly and quietly as possible without disturbing other moviegoers, then head toward the entrance to Oakland Hall. A rush of warm air embraces us as we step through the doors, and I sigh with relief.
“Were you cold?” Jude asks, tossing me a surprised look.
“I guess I was, yeah.”
They chuckle softly. “Southerners,” they mutter, shaking their head.
I give them a playful shove with my hip. “Where to now? Your place or mine?”
Jude peers at their watch. “Yours if we want to play Smash, but if you want to watch a movie without interruptions, we can go to my place. Celeste is working until after 11 tonight.”
I also glance at their watch. It’s only a few minutes after nine. “It’s your call. If we watch a movie, though, I’m going to need some caffeine to keep me from dozing off again.”
Jude considers it, running a hand through their strawberry blonde hair. “Do you like coffee?”
“Love coffee.”
“Let’s go to my place then,” Jude decides, pressing the “up” button on the elevator. “I can make us some killer good coffee.”
I grin widely. “Sounds perfect.”
A short elevator ride later, Jude opens the door to room 714, and the sweet scent of cinnamon and vanilla immediately greets me. “Holy shit, what smells so good?” I ask.
“Oh, I baked some cookies this morning,” Jude casually explains, as if it’s nothing. “Snickerdoodle. I meant to bring them tonight, but I forgot.”
My mouth is already watering. “What was the occasion?”
“No occasion,” Jude says with a shrug. “I was proud of myself for going to the gym, so I baked cookies.”
Before I can respond, my attention is drawn to the living room.
Every wall is covered with framed posters, photos, and art in various sizes and compositions.
Mounted shelves hold half a dozen potted houseplants, their vines dangling freely below.
The windows are adorned with lovely green and yellow curtains, and one of several hanging crystals catches the light from the kitchen.
Green, yellow, and cream-colored throw pillows and blankets cover the sofa and armchair, and there’s even a matching green rug beneath the coffee table.
“Wow,” I exhale. “You and Celeste really know how to make a place feel like a home.”
“Thanks,” Jude replies from the kitchen, actively preparing the coffee. “It’s mostly Celeste, though. She’s a bit of a maximalist. If it were up to her, she’d paint all the walls different colors.”
I chuckle. “That would be cool. Man, this makes me want to add more shit to my walls. My room’s so boring.”
“You should!”
“Maybe I will.”
A few moments later, the coffeemaker starts gurgling, and Jude lets out a sigh. “Okay, I can’t take it anymore.”
Dread churns in my stomach. I turn around to face them. “What?”
Jude places a plastic container on the counter, opens it to reveal the Snickerdoodles inside, then looks at me. “Can we pick up where you left off earlier? You were just about to tell me what your dating experience was like as an asexual, and I can’t stop thinking about it.”
I let out a nervous laugh. “Oh, is that all? I thought something was wrong!” Snatching up a cookie, I pull out a barstool tucked beneath the counter and settle in.
“There’s really not much to tell.” I bite into the soft Snickerdoodle, and as soon as it touches my tongue, I let out a moan. “Oh, my God.”
“What?” Jude asks, swiveling around from the coffee maker.
I continue chewing, savoring every bit of flavor. “This is the best cookie I’ve ever had,” I say with a sigh.
Jude bursts into laughter. “Jesus, Oliver. You have such a passionate relationship with food.”
“Do you not?”
“Not like you do,” Jude says, still grinning. “But as you were saying? Dating as a possible asexual?”
“Right, right. Let’s see. In ninth grade, I invited a girl from school, Valerie McBrayer, over to Theo’s house to watch a movie with us.
Valerie was cute and sweet, and she laughed at all my jokes.
All the guys in my class were talking about dating and kissing girls by then, and even Theo and Harrison brought it up sometimes, so I figured I might as well see what the fuss was about.
“During the movie, Valerie and I held hands under the armrest until our palms were so sweaty I had to pull my hand away. After that, she rested her head on my shoulder, which was nice until the sickly-sweet smell of her green-apple shampoo made me nauseous. Later, her older brother came to pick her up, but while he wasn’t looking, she leaned in and pressed a sloppy, wet kiss right on my mouth.
I tried my best not to gag at the sensory overload—her stale popcorn breath and sticky lip gloss combined with the overpowering apple shampoo were just too much. ”
“Yuck,” Jude interjects as they pour the coffee into two mugs on the counter. “Oh, do you like whole milk or oat milk?”
I sneak another bite of the cookie before answering. “Oat milk sounds good.”
“Called it,” Jude says quietly.
“Huh?”
“Nothing, please continue.”
Nonplussed, I continue my story. “The next day at school, I texted her to say I just wanted to be friends. Apparently, that was the wrong move. In retaliation, she told everyone I was a horrible kisser and a real jerk. And, for better or worse, that was enough to mark me undateable for the rest of high school.”
Jude brings over the two mugs of coffee and places one in front of me. “Damn. I mean, most of that sounds about right for ninth grade, minus her retaliation. I’m just cracking up at how gender-swapped that whole thing feels.”
I frown. “What do you mean?” I ask, my mouth full of delicious Snickerdoodle.
“Usually, it’s the girl who gets grossed out by the boy. I’ve never heard it the other way around.” Jude’s smile falters as they notice my confusion. “It’s not a bad thing! It’s proof that gender is never cut and dried.”
“Oh, okay.” I cup my hands around the warm mug of coffee and breathe in the steam. It smells heavenly. I hesitate to take a sip, knowing that Jude will probably tease my reaction again.
Jude picks up a cookie. “So, who was the guy?”
I fidget with the mug handle. “Okay, I’ll tell you, but…don’t tell anyone else, okay? Theo doesn’t even know about this. None of my friends do, and I wouldn’t want them finding out from someone else.”
Jude’s eyes go wide, but they nod. “Of course. I won’t tell a soul.”
I take a deep breath. “At the beginning of eleventh grade, sweet little Christian Theo met and fell hard for Caleb, pushing him to an inevitable gay crisis.”
“Oh shit, Theo was a Christian?”
“Oh yeah. Like, hella Christian. It was a whole thing—a story for another day. Eventually, Theo came out as bisexual and befriended a closeted gay guy at his church named Jake. Inspired by Theo, Jake came out to his parents, but it didn’t go so well.
He was kicked out of his house and his Christian private school, and he ended up at our public high school for his senior year.
Theo tried his best to integrate Jake into our friend group to help him adjust to his new life, but for whatever reason, it didn’t really take.
Jake’s a good kid, but he just wasn’t a fit for our crew.
“However, Jake was determined that I was a closeted gay man who, like him, just needed a little push. Initially, I figured, why not? My experience with Valerie was a bust, but maybe that was because I wasn’t actually into girls.
More than half of my friend group was queer, so it wouldn’t be so crazy to find out I was, too.
Plus, Jake was handsome, funny, and charming. Maybe he was right—maybe I was gay.
“Jake and I went out on several dates, but nothing ever clicked for me. He definitely smelled better than Valerie, and his kisses were never too wet or sticky, but I just didn’t feel anything special with him.
Holding hands was nice. Cuddling was nice.
Even kissing was nice sometimes. But after a few minutes of making out, Jake was always ready to go further, and I just… wasn’t.”
Jude sips their coffee, listening intently as I ramble on. When I finish, they sit with my words for several moments. Finally, they ask: “So, why didn’t you tell anyone about Jake?”
I sigh, resting my head in my hands. “Honestly, I don’t know.
It’s not that I didn’t want them to know I was questioning my sexuality.
My whole crew is either some flavor of queer or a strong ally.
They’d be super supportive—maybe even annoyingly so.
Which, I guess, now that I’m saying it out loud…
maybe that’s the reason. You’ve seen how I get when the conversation gets too real or too serious. ”
Jude snorts. “Yeah, you get weird.”
“Exactly. And, I don’t know. I think if I told them I was dating, they’d start forcing me to talk about feelings and shit more often, and that sounds like a fucking nightmare. I’d much rather keep things the way they are for as long as possible.”
“I think that’s valid,” Jude says thoughtfully. “As long as that’s not the only reason you’re not dating.”
I take a sip of my coffee, and, of course, it’s divine. I relish its sweetness for several seconds before Jude’s words sink in. “What do you mean?”
“Are you avoiding dating because you don’t want weird attention from your friends? Or are you avoiding it because you don’t want to date?”
I consider it with another gulp of coffee. “I don’t think I’m avoiding dating, per se. I just haven’t found someone that I want to date.”
“Okay, that’s good,” Jude says. “So, if you found someone you wanted to date, you’d pursue them?”
“I guess?” I answer. “I don’t know. I’m happy with things as they are, honestly. Maybe that’ll change at some point, but right now, I’m good.”
“So, you don’t feel like you’re missing out by not dating?”
“Not really, no.” I meet their gaze with sincerity. “Like I said, I’m happy.”
Jude’s gray-green eyes study me, and I can’t resist staring back at them. Their eyes are so fascinating to look at up close—I don’t think I’ve ever met someone with that exact shade. They’re like dark sea glass, or that greenish blue the sky turns at dusk. It’s really fucking cool.
“Wow,” Jude whispers. “I have to say, I’m kind of jealous of you.”
I frown. “Why?”
“I wish I didn’t need a romantic partner in my life to be happy. I always feel like something’s missing when I’m single.”
My heart sinks at their words, though I’m not sure why.
“I don’t know about that,” I respond after a beat.
“Before I learned about asexuality, I always felt like I was the broken one. Like, I’m supposed to seek out sex and find someone to be intimate with.
But I’d much rather have a partner who’s my best friend, you know?
No pressure, no expectations to be anything more than just myself. ”
“Well, I think friendship should be the most important thing to look for in a partner anyway,” Jude says. “There shouldn’t be any pressure to be someone other than yourself. A partner should love you for exactly who you are. Sex is supposed to be a bonus.”
I shrug. “You say that, but what non-asexual person is going to want to be with someone who doesn’t want sex?”
Jude hesitates, but they smile knowingly. “I think you might be surprised. I mean, obviously, sex is important to a lot of people. But love? Love can be a powerful thing.”
As I absorb Jude’s words, I think back to when Theo came out to us in his home theater two years ago.
I remember thinking he was crazy to risk so much to be “more than friends” with a guy.
It seemed so irrational, so unnecessary.
His parents wouldn’t have cared nearly as much if he had just been friends with Caleb—why did Theo insist on Caleb being his romantic partner instead?
Is physical intimacy really that special?
Will I ever understand?
“All right,” Jude declares. “I think we’ve had enough serious talk for one day, don’t you think?”
My heart vibrates against my ribs. “You already know me so well,” I say, beaming ear-to-ear.
Jude smiles in return, then places their hand on mine. “Remember what you said the other day in the library? Like, it felt like we already knew each other somehow?”
My cheeks begin to heat. “And like we were always meant to be friends?”
They nod. “I feel it, too, Oliver. And it kind of freaks me out because I’ve always been pretty guarded, and I don’t make friends easily. But you’ve been the easiest friend I’ve ever made.”
An emotional lump forms in my throat. “Really?”
“Yeah. And that was even before you came out as ace, but I was too afraid to believe it because I automatically assume all guys just want sex.”
“Unfortunately, that’s usually true.”
“But, even if you weren’t ace, I think I’d still trust you.”
The backs of my eyes start to burn. “Well, shit. That’s a high compliment.”
“Yeah, well, don’t let it go to your head,” Jude warns, smirking at me and downing the rest of their coffee. “Now, what movie are we watching?”
I follow their lead and finish my coffee as well. “Great question. Shall we peruse the selections?”
“Yes. Let’s.”