Chapter 27 #2
“Damn, I knew I should have brought extra brain matter,” Wren mutters.
“So, Olli-pops,” Wren says, laying their head back on their pillow as we’re both settling in for the night. “What’s on your mind?”
I frown down at them from my bed. “What do you mean?”
They open their eyes to look at me. “You’ve seemed a bit off all day. Do you expect me to believe you’re preoccupied with school shit? Come on. What’s up?”
A smile creeps over my face. Of course Wren would recognize that something was up. “Okay, yeah, there is something.”
Wren folds their arms behind their head. “I’m all ears.”
After a deep breath, I just say it. “I’m asexual.”
Wren studies me for a moment, then grins. “Hell yeah, dude. That makes complete sense.”
Whoa, that was not the reaction I was expecting. “Really?”
“Absolutely! I totally see it.”
I laugh. “Wow.”
“What? Are you surprised by my lack of surprise?”
“Honestly, yeah. I’ve only officially come out to two other people, and neither could really wrap their head around it.”
“One of them was Theo, wasn’t it?”
I nod. “He’s convinced that I’m actually into Jude, though.”
Wren’s eyes narrow. “Why’s that?”
“Because Jude and I are really close, like, in a way I’ve never had with another person before.”
Wren bites their bottom lip.
“But we’re friends,” I continue. “Best friends, even. I don’t want anything about that to change. Plus, Jude has a girlfriend, and they’re only into girls, so even if I weren’t ace, I wouldn’t pursue anything more with them than what we already have.”
Wren nods but still looks skeptical. “So, when did you figure out you were ace?”
“Almost as soon as I learned about it.” I give Wren a quick recap of everything, including meeting Quinn and hearing her story.
“That’s cool. Did she identify as ace or aroace?”
“Just ace,” I answer. “She clarified later that she’d probably identify as demiromantic, which means that she can only experience romantic attraction to someone after they’ve established a strong emotional bond.
I just thought that was the average person’s experience with romance, but apparently not. ”
Wren shifts on the air mattress, making loud noises that sound like flatulence, but I bravely resist the urge to make any jokes. “So, would you also consider yourself demiromantic?” they ask.
I let out a dramatic sigh. “Dude, I don’t know. I’m probably aroace, too, but who knows. One identity is enough for now.”
“That’s fair.”
After a few moments, I turn to look at them. “What about you? Like, I know you’ve said you’re bisexual, but do you experience romantic attraction, too?”
They nod. “Yeah, sometimes.”
“How would you describe it?”
Their eyes wander as they think. “It’s…yearning.
It’s like craving to be with a specific person more than anyone else and hoping with all your heart that they feel the same way.
It’s wanting to spend every second with that person because you can’t imagine getting sick of them.
In my experience, there’s a physical part to it, too, but it’s not always sexual.
Like, wanting to hold hands, sit close together, and cuddle. ”
My chest tightens. Oh. Oh, no.
“But as someone who also experiences sexual desire, I find the line between physical closeness and sex a little blurry. I imagine that line is more discernible for someone on the ace spectrum.”
I think back to every moment I spend with Jude. The way my heart thrums when they’re near me. The way my spirit lifts when they smile at me. The way I can’t get enough of their presence, their attention, their affection.
Oh no. Oh, no, no, no—
“What’s wrong?” Wren asks.
I shake my head. “Oh, n-nothing, I’m still trying to wrap my head around all of this, that’s all.”
“Oliver.”
“Hm?”
“You have no poker face whatsoever. You do know that, right?”
I meet Wren’s gaze, then let my shoulders slump. “I think I might be romantically attracted to someone after all.”
“It’s Jude, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
Wren sighs. “Fuck.”
“Yeah, fuck is right.”
Before I realize what’s happening, Wren is at my side and wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “It’s okay to have a crush, you know.”
“Not on Jude, it’s not.”
“Why?”
“Because they have a girlfriend who already hates me and thinks I’m trying to steal Jude from her,” I explain, letting my head fall into my hands.
“Jude only trusts me because I’m ace. I can’t let them know I have any non-platonic feelings for them.
It’ll ruin everything. They won’t feel safe around me, and they won’t want to be friends anymore, at least not the way we are now. ”
“Whoa, whoa, hang on,” Wren interjects. “What do you mean they only trust you because you’re ace?”
“They’ve had some really shitty men in their life,” I explain. “They don’t trust guys at all, and I don’t think they would have given me a chance if I hadn’t come out to them.”
Wren grimaces. “That’s a little fucked up, though, don’t you think?”
I shake my head. “That makes it sound worse than it is. I just… I can’t risk losing them, Wren, I can’t.”
“True friends accept you for who you are,” Wren counters. “No matter what. Right?”
“I know, but what if they think I tricked them?”
“But you didn’t.”
“But what if they think I did?”
Wren sighs. “Oliver, if they know you at all, they’ll know you didn’t trick them. That’s not who you are.”
Tears threaten the backs of my eyes. “Jude can’t know about this, Wren. Not yet. Please, promise you won’t tell anyone. Please?”
“I’m not going to tell anyone,” Wren promises. “But you and Jude should talk about it.”
I shake my head fervently. “Not a chance.”
“Oliver–”
“I’ll figure something else out,” I blurt. “Jude doesn’t have to know. Nothing has to change. I can just…manage it.”
Wren strokes my back to comfort me, but says nothing.
“I mean, it’s just a crush, right?” I say through a nervous laugh. “It’ll pass.”
Wren winces. “Famous last words?”
A smile tugs at my lips. “‘I am not afraid to keep on living.’”
They frown. “What?”
“‘I am not afraid to walk this world alone.’”
Their face lights up in recognition. “‘Honey, if you stay, I’ll be forgiven–’”
We finish the My Chemical Romance lyrics together: “‘Nothing you can say can stop me going home!’”
“Well, now, I have to play the song before we can sleep,” Wren says, crawling back to their air mattress to retrieve their phone.
“Naturally,” I reply, settling back into my sheets, happy to have successfully concluded another serious conversation.