Chapter 33
Claire slept late, and woke feeling relaxed and refreshed.
Luca still wasn’t up at noon when she sat outside with toast and coffee.
She was pleased he was getting lots of sleep – he needed it.
She was also glad of the quiet and solitude to mull things over in her head and sort out her feelings.
She knew she should have been distraught or at least unnerved by Emma’s email last night.
She ought to have been fretting about what might have happened between Mark and Sophie.
But instead she just felt a wonderful sense of freedom that she didn’t really mind.
She wasn’t in love with Mark, and she knew now that sleeping with him wouldn’t change that.
The utter indifference she felt at the idea that he and Sophie might have got together again said it all.
The feeling just wasn’t there, and she could no longer fool herself that it would come in time.
Luca, on the other hand, only had to talk to another girl to bring out the green-eyed monster in her.
It was a real shame because Mark was the one who wanted to have a real relationship with her.
But there was no point in denying it any more, at least not to herself – she loved Luca, and she’d rather be his fuck buddy, if that was all that was on offer, than have something more meaningful with anyone else.
It was almost one when Luca finally emerged, yawning and blinking in the sunlight, but bright-eyed and looking rested.
‘Good morning,’ he said, sliding onto the bench beside her. ‘Or should I say afternoon?’
‘I take it you slept well?’ She suddenly felt shy and awkward, hoping he wouldn’t say anything about her attempt to seduce him last night.
‘Yeah, brilliant. You?’
‘Yes, great.’ She was relieved that he was his usual friendly, easy-going self.
‘I could get used to this,’ he said, turning his face to the sun and closing his eyes.
‘Me too. I wish—’ She caught herself. She had been about to say that she wished they could stay here like this for ever, just the two of them. But she couldn’t say things like that to Luca – it would scare him off.
‘What?’ He opened his eyes and turned to her.
‘Oh, nothing. I wish I didn’t have to go back to work tomorrow. There’s coffee in the pot…’
They spent the afternoon on the beach, swimming, reading and lazing in the sun.
Since her mother had died, Claire had found that some days were better than others, and today she was engulfed by one of those waves of sadness that left her feeling submerged and remote from the world, rendering her catatonic.
Everything – the sound of the waves, the roughness of the sand against her skin, even the smell of the air – evoked other times, and she was swamped by memories of her mother, remembering all the times she had come here as a child with her brothers, and later, when it was just Espie and her, the wonderfully indulgent weekends they’d had there together.
The long days playing on the beach; the nights when their caravan had become Party Central, Espie inviting all their neighbours over for barbecues that went on long into the night.
They were happy memories, yet they hit her like punches, leaving her weak and aching, longing to have her mother back, just for an hour – or even five minutes…
Luca seemed to pick up on her subdued mood, and she was grateful for his sympathetic, undemanding presence beside her while she let the heat of the sun and the gentle crash of the waves soothe her.
She felt her spirits lift towards evening, and she was almost happy later as they sat side by side at the picnic table, eating pasta and garlic bread, and drinking red wine warmed by the sun. If she wasn’t quite blissful, she was at least content.
‘Feeling better?’ Luca asked her.
‘Yeah, thanks. Sorry I wasn’t great company today.’
‘Don’t be daft.’
‘So – home tomorrow.’ She sighed as she poured more wine.
‘Yeah, and just when the book’s getting exciting,’ Luca said. ‘I mean, there was practically a car chase. I can’t believe Lydia ran off with Wickham!’
Claire was enjoying watching him discover Pride and Prejudice for the first time. It was so familiar to her that it was hard to imagine anything in it coming as a surprise.
‘And now she’s ruined. It’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, poor Lydia. But that’s the way it was in those days. Once a girl had sex, she was ruined for life.’ Like me, she thought wryly. Being with Luca has pretty much ruined me for anyone else.
‘Are you going to keep this on now?’ Luca asked, waving to the caravan.
‘Yes, I am.’ She hadn’t been sure before, but over the past couple of days she had made up her mind to keep it.
She loved the freedom of it, and the peace – and with her mother gone, she could make more use of it.
She would be able to come here on the spur of the moment, whenever the mood took her – just throw some stuff into the car and go.
The idea was very appealing. ‘It’s nice to have somewhere to escape to.
And when the weather’s like this, it’s lovely to just hop in the car and really make the most of it. ’
‘It’s perfect. Though I think it would be great in any weather.’
‘Yeah, it is. I love being at the beach at any time of year.’ There was a special kind of cosiness about being snuggled up in the caravan listening to rain pelting down outside.
‘I might come here to write sometimes,’ she said.
‘You can use it, too, if you ever want to get away, to paint or whatever.’
‘Really?’
‘Sure – any time. It’s just sitting here. I’d like people to enjoy it. And Mum would have liked you to use it,’ she said. ‘She was very fond of you, you know.’
He reached out and stroked her hair. ‘I was fond of her. I wish I could have known her longer.’
They were just finishing off the last of the wine when Aideen appeared along the path.
Claire willed her to pass by, but she strolled up to the table, smiling broadly at Luca.
She was wearing cargo shorts and a crop top, revealing an expanse of tanned stomach and a sparkly belly-button ring.
Her long blonde hair was tied in a high ponytail.
‘Hi, again,’ she said to Luca, her smile faltering a little as her gaze moved to Claire.
‘Hi.’ Luca smiled back. ‘Claire, this is Aideen. Aideen, Claire.’
‘Hello.’ Claire forced a friendly smile.
‘Hi, Claire. This is the friend you’re here with?’ she asked Luca.
‘Yep.’
‘Oh, I thought… Anyway, I just came to invite you over for a drink. Um… both of you. We’re down there, third on the right.’ She waved in the direction she had come.
‘Thanks,’ Luca said.
‘Just drop over whenever you like.’
‘Thanks,’ Claire smiled, ‘but I think we’re going to have an early night.’ She took Luca’s hand in both hers, turning it over and stroking the palm, playing with the soft pads of his fingers. ‘Aren’t we?’
‘Um… yeah,’ he said uncertainly, frowning down at their hands. ‘Thanks anyway,’ he looked up at Aideen and smiled.
‘Okay. Some other time maybe.’ She turned to go.
Luca went to withdraw his hand as she walked away, but Claire held onto it, intertwining her fingers with his.
‘Claire…’
Still holding his hand, she leant in and kissed the corner of his mouth, willing him to meet her halfway. She hardly knew what she was doing, acting purely on instinct. She just knew she didn’t want him to be with that girl – or any girl except her. She kissed the other side of his mouth coaxingly.
‘Claire… stop.’ He looked cross as he snatched his hand away. He stood abruptly, collecting the empty dishes from the table, and stomped into the caravan.
Claire gathered up the glasses and empty wine bottle and followed him. He was throwing the dishes into the sink with a clatter, his back rigid with tension as he leant on the counter. She dumped the glasses on the table and went over to him.
‘Luca.’ She put a hand on his shoulder and when he turned to face her, she swooped in and kissed him again. His lips were firm, and tasted fresh and briny, like the sea. But they were unyielding, and then he was pushing her away.
‘Jesus, Claire, give me a break!’ he yelled, as he held her at arm’s length.
She flinched at the harshness of his tone.
‘Sorry.’ He released her and raked a hand through his hair.
‘But I’m trying to be a friend here, and you’re not making it easy.
You said you don’t want us to be… together that way any more so I’ve kept my distance.
You wanted me to keep my hands to myself, and I have.
But you can’t keep doing this. I don’t know what you want from me. ’
‘I want this,’ she said, putting her hand on the back of his neck and pulling his face down.
He leant his forehead against hers, resisting the pressure of her hand urging him to go the last couple of centimeters. ‘No,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘You don’t.’
‘I’ve changed my mind.’ She kissed him again pleadingly, and she felt him start to respond, but he wrenched his lips away.
‘Don’t,’ he breathed against her mouth. ‘Look, if this is about that Aideen girl, I told you—’
‘It isn’t. It’s about you and me.’ She kissed him again, encouraged because he didn’t push her away this time.
She sensed him weakening. ‘Please,’ she whimpered, running her tongue along his bottom lip, hearing his sharp intake of breath.
‘I want you.’ She took his hand and clamped it against her breast. ‘And if you want me to tell you in detail – I want you inside me, I want—’
‘Christ, I want you too,’ he groaned, wrapping his arms around her, and then he was kissing her back hungrily, desperately, angling his head this way and that. She felt a triumphant thrill as his tongue slid into her mouth.
He pulled back just enough to speak. ‘Are you sure?’ he asked, his breath hot on her lips, his dark eyes burning into hers. ‘Do you really want this?’