Chapter 14 - Hyacinth
No, no, no.
I’m running so fast, the forest is blurring around me. It’s too dark to see far ahead, and my sense of direction is shot.
I don’t care—get away, get away!
I lose one shoe leaping over a log, and the other slips away into a pile of loose leaves as I pick up speed again. My heart is drumming painfully against my chest, the beat only slightly faster than my feet against the ground.
Must. Keep. Running!
I thought I wasn’t going to run anymore.
A sob rises in my chest, tearing my throat.
I’m beyond any sensible thought, and as long as the panic in my veins runs this hot, I know I can’t possibly slow down.
I feel completely cut off from my senses, and I can’t hear or see much around me.
As I pump my arms and keep hurling my feet out in front of me, a clear thought cuts through the fear.
It’s amazing I haven’t fallen yet.
Right on cue, my foot hits a slippery patch of dead leaves and skids out from under me.
I go down hard, rolling across the ground until I come to a stop at the base of a huge tree.
Sitting up, I wrap my arms around myself and rock back and forth a little, unable to stop the hot tears pouring down my cheeks.
I was finally feeling comfortable with him… then I had to let it go too far! I’m an idiot.
His words ring through my mind—I don’t know about you, but I had a good time—and a fresh wound of pain rips through my chest. The tears keep coming.
That’s exactly what Dan said to me… after the first time…
The memories rise, and I’m too distraught and exhausted to push them away.
I was young when I met Dan. He was so handsome and charming, I fell for him right away.
I’d never been so turned on in my entire life, and he knew it, too.
From the moment we locked eyes, it was as if he could see right into me—and it was hot as hell.
My arms tighten around my body as I try to hold myself through the grief and shame. I’d always considered sex to be a sacred act, and when I gave myself to Dan, I believed it utterly.
Too soon… way too soon. But I thought I was safe. I really, really believed I was safe.
Fresh tears burn my eyes and streak down my cheeks as ugly-sounding sobs burst from my throat. My ribs heave, and I tighten my grip even further, as if I can suppress this grief if I just hold on hard enough.
Now I’ve done it again. I’m so fucking stupid! How could I have let my guard down like that?
The recent memories can’t be ignored, and my body stirs, flickers of heat rising in my throat, moving across my nipples and along the inside of my thighs.
“No,” I moan softly. “I can’t do this. No fucking way.”
I rock a little, still holding on to my own shoulders.
The pain in my chest has grown so much that it’s all I can feel, and the pressure of it forces more tears from my eyes.
I desperately want to take back what I’ve just done, but the physical entanglement is real now, and it’s marked on my body and my soul.
It was good… it was so good…
For just a second, my body relaxes, and I remember the pleasure that ran through me. How Shane held me, pleasured me, and took nothing for himself.
Dan would never have done that. The only times he made it about me, he had plans for himself after that that were less pleasant from my side.
Warm pleasure flows through me, and I can’t ignore the rightness of it, that being in Shane’s arms felt like the most natural thing in the world.
How can I trust that, though? I’ve been fooled before. I believed with all my heart that Dan was the one for me… that’s why I gave myself so soon. And all I did was commit to my own destruction.
Shane’s words ring through my head again, and even though the tone is different, hearing the exact same sentence has traumatized me beyond measure.
Dan said it as if he was disappointed, with this horrible edge of sarcasm, as if using me was the only thing that gave him pleasure. It scared me, but it also made me desperate to satisfy him. Shane said it like a question, as if he was asking if I wanted more.
But how can I tell what he really meant?
Tears still trickle down my cheeks, but the flow has finally begun to ease. I realize my arms are wrapped so tightly around my shoulders that all the joints and muscles are screaming with tension. I carefully unwind my body, stretching a little.
As I catch my breath, I take a look around. The forest is incredibly dark, but somehow I can see quite well. The trees seem to gather around me, protecting me with their strong, curved branches. The leaves beneath me don’t feel gross or damp. Instead, they feel like a feather bed.
I’m still shaken and sore, so I have no intention of getting up, and the forest seems to echo this thought. Leaning back against the tree, peace and calm flow through me, and I take long, slow breaths.
I have no idea where I am. That should scare me, but I feel safer right now than I’ve ever been.
As my body relaxes, my mind clears. I open my eyes and look around, smiling at the friendly shadows. A nightbird chirps in a nearby tree, and the sound comforts me. I know without a doubt that I’ll be able to find my way home, and I’m not scared of the forest at all.
Since I arrived in town, I’ve always felt welcomed by nature. It’s like the trees, the earth, and all the creatures are singing in harmony, and I can hear it.
Maybe I really am a witch.
The thought makes me chuckle. Feeling relaxed in nature doesn’t mean I have crazy witch powers, no matter what the old wolf rituals think.
If I had powers, I’d know by now.
The strange feelings I had earlier when I was talking to Sadie come back to me then, and I feel a hint of fear. It was like she was challenging me, and something in my soul answered.
But it felt like we were about to fight. The fury in me when I thought about Shane—and all the alphas, for kidnapping us—almost overwhelmed me.
Before I can examine the thought further, I hear a twig break nearby, and I know someone is close. To my surprise, I still don’t feel scared—in fact, I almost pity the person who would try to sneak up on me.
What is happening to me? It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.
“Hyacinth?” I hear Shane’s voice drift through the darkness.
My first instinct is to hide, to burrow down into the leaves and stay still until he goes away.
That’s ridiculous. I have to face him sooner or later.
Sighing, I stand up and see Shane approaching through the nearby trees. I raise my hand to wave at him, but he doesn’t look in my direction, just keeps swinging his head back and forth as if he can’t see.
Can he see at all? Isn’t he supposed to have wolf vision or something?
“Hyacinth!” he calls again, then looks straight towards me. I can tell by the way he turns to search in the opposite direction that he still can’t see me.
I take a couple of careful steps forward, rustling the leaves under my feet deliberately. Shane whirls around, looking up and down almost frantically.
“Hyacinth? Are you there?”
“Yes,” I answer, walking slowly towards him. I watch carefully to understand the range of his senses, and he doesn’t see me until I’m only a few feet away.
He can barely see further than an ordinary person… how are my eyes so sharp?
Even though this is the evidence I’ve been craving, I dismiss it before I can get my thoughts tangled up in it.
I don’t want to ponder witch powers right now. I have to figure out a way to talk to Shane after what happened.
“Hyacinth!” he says, hurrying towards me. He holds out his hands as if he’s going to hug me, but when I shuffle back, he stops at the last moment, giving me a wary look.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“I’m okay,” I say. “I fell, but I’m not really hurt.”
“You took off so fast. What happened?”
“Something you said,” I reply, my voice low. “It just reminded me of a bad experience I had. I lost my cool.”
“Like… a panic attack?”
“Kind of, yeah. It’s just a reflex I’ve always had when I get scared. I run away.”
As the words leave my mouth, I realize how true they are, and more shame piles on top of my heart.
Great. Guilt over my coping mechanisms being added to my trauma. Just what I need.
“Okay…” Shane says. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“No,” I answer.
He tilts his head a little, and I realize he still can’t see me very well.
“We should get back,” he says, stepping towards me with his hand out. “We can talk about this when we get home.”
I look at his hand as if it’s a venomous snake coming at me, and when the faintest pulse of pleasure runs across my skin, I scuttle backwards, almost falling in my attempt to get away from him.
“Hyacinth?” he asks softly.
“Don’t touch me,” I mutter, my voice harsh.
“But—”
“But nothing. I said what I said.”
Shane looks at my face, and from the way he tilts his head, I know he’s still having trouble seeing me, but I can see him just fine.
He’s so confused. He doesn’t know how to handle this. To be honest, neither do I, but I know for sure I’m not letting him touch me again.
“So… should we go?” he asks.
“Sure,” I reply. “Let’s go.”
“I’d feel better if I could hold your hand,” he says stubbornly.
“Too bad. I don’t want to be touched right now, and I’m not scared of the dark.”
“Neither am I,” he snaps. “But if I can’t see, then surely you can’t, either, and I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t worry about me,” I reply. “I’m doing just fine. Save your concern for yourself.”
“Fine!” he barks, turning around. “Come if you want. I’m just trying to look out for you.”
“Really generous of you,” I say sarcastically. “I don’t know how I survived my whole life without you watching my every step.”
Shane stops and looks up at the sky, then sighs heavily as he turns back to face me.
“Hyacinth, I really think I should show you something.”
“Like what?” I mutter, hoping it doesn’t involve him taking off his pants.
Dan did that all the time. “Hey, baby, I’ve got a surprise for you. It’s my dick.”
“Just follow me,” he says a little angrily.
My frosty veneer cracks just a little when I hear his tone. He’s genuinely tired and emotionally exhausted as well.
I’m not about to give in to him or let him touch me again—but maybe I should cut him a little slack.
We walk through the woods in silence, and part of me misses the easy conversation we had earlier in the evening.
But the rest of me is just too fucking scared and angry to let those thoughts win.