11. Dev
eleven
dev
Five Schlongs Hen Party
Darian Meyer
[Link to Finance Focus Weekly magazine article: Tech Titan Ties the Knot: Dev Menon, CEO of Menon, Inc. Engaged to Piper Parker]
I feel like I accidentally watched the last episode of The Bachelor, Season 4562, without having seen the earlier episodes. Not that I’m complaining.
@Dev Menon, what the hell is this? You’re getting married?!
Dean Meyer
What in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost of Jeff Bezos is happening here? Dev, is this for real? Was it her hairless . . . cat that convinced you?
[Family Guy’s Herbert the Pervert stroking a scared-looking cat GIF]
@Darian Meyer, don’t you dare exit this chat like the hairless pussy you are.
Garrett Meyer
Dev, buddy, don’t you think that perhaps you’ve taken customer loyalty too far? Are you sure you’re not suffering from Stockholm Syndrome after that haircut?
Dev Menon
I needed a bride and she owed me a debt.
Garrett Meyer
Owed you a debt? Who are you, fucking Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones? Who repays a debt for a bad haircut with a lifetime commitment?
Hudson Case
Wait. Is this MY Piper? The stylist I sent you to? Why the hell would she agree to something like this? Is she in some kind of financial trouble?
Dev Menon
Firstly, please refrain from using my fiancée’s name with any sort of possession. She is not YOUR anything. Secondly, this has nothing to do with money. She didn’t ask for a dime from me.
Dean Meyer
Ooh wincing emoji did you guys hear that? You know, the sound of Hudson’s balls being handed to him?
Hudson Case
What I heard was Dev acting like a caveman.
Dev Menon
As if you’d do anything less if I’d said the same thing about Kavi.
Hudson Case
Nah. I’d have done a whole lot more.
Darian Meyer
So, circling back to the event that’s currently on every news channel, @Dev Menon, are you saying she’s marrying you out of pity? Because the last time we checked, you were just trying to grow your hair back after she hacked it off and you guys seemed to be on the outs.
Dean Meyer
Oh, there was something growing alright. It just happened to be in his pants.
Garrett Meyer
Clearly length isn’t an issue for her, then. Good for you, man. Why should only the long and girthy guys get all the action?
Dean Meyer
Don’t forget pierced winking emoji.
But seriously, I’m happy for you and Snipperella. Your short stick deserves more action than what that sex doll in your room that looks like a nun can give you.
[ Dev Menon has left the chat]
[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[ Dean Meyer has added Dev Menon to the chat]
[ Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]
Dean Meyer
What? Too soon? It’s been a year and a half since Sister Camila. Felt like an appropriate amount of time had passed to be able to use that joke. No?
Dev Menon
@Garrett Meyer, hypothetically speaking, if one twin meets a grisly end in a tragic accident, does the other one get phantom pain?
Garrett Meyer
We’re fraternal so, no.
Dean Meyer
[JLO crossing arms around chest, harrumphing GIF]
I know where I’m not welcome.
Garrett Meyer
And yet it’s never stopped you. . .
Dean Meyer
@Dev Menon, is the wedding going to be as impromptu as this engagement? I’ll need ample time to learn a choreographed dance routine.
Garrett Meyer
Just bring a gift instead, buddy.
Dean Meyer
I’ve been told I’m quite the dancer.
Garrett Meyer
Our mother’s friends telling you that is not reason enough for you to believe it. Most of them have had hip-replacement surgeries.
Dean Meyer
And yet they jump onto the dance floor whenever I’m doing my rendition of the sprinkler.
Hudson Case:
Maybe they’re thinking you’re having a seizure.
Dean Meyer
Also, I’ll have you know, Bertha Marie’s hips moved like well-oiled machines after she got them replaced. I gave those babies a go, before Mala, of course, and they were a treat!
Darian Meyer
Jesus. She’s more than twice your age.
Dean Meyer
Age is just a number, little brother. You should know that better than anyone, given you’re married to someone who can’t vote yet. And let me tell you, Bertha’s new hips had more action than a bull ride at the county fair.
Garrett Meyer
face-palm emoji Please. No one encourage him any further.
Dean Meyer
Back to the wedding. @Dev Menon, just curious, will the pussies be in attendance?
@Darian Meyer, don’t you fucking dare.
[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[ Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]
Dean Meyer
Goddammit, Dar! Why are you like this?
Dev Menon
We haven’t thought that far.
Garrett Meyer
Not thought that far? You proposed to a woman you’ve known for a week! Pretty sure time is just a suggestion to you, my friend.
Dev Menon
Didn’t you wake up married to a passenger from your flight to Vegas?
Hudson Case
He’s got you there, @Garrett Meyer.
Dev Menon
I heard she bawled her eyes out when she realized she was married to you. That must have pricked that little ego of yours.
Garrett Meyer
She didn’t bawl. And what happened with us was completely different. I’d known Bella for four years.
Dean Meyer
The dude became a monk after he laid eyes on her, too, even when she flat-out showed him no interest.
Garrett Meyer
Good things come to those who wait.
Dean Meyer
Mala knows it better than anyone. She played the long game and look how well it turned out for her. She got me.
Hudson Case
Agree to disagree.
Darian Meyer
@Dean Meyer, you know as well as the rest of us, you were the winner in that relationship. You still don’t deserve her.
Dean Meyer
She had me at my first dog treat.
Hudson Case
Are those still a staple in your daily diet?
Dean Meyer
Fuck, yes! You should taste the dog treats she makes.
Hudson Case
Shame. I just recently moved on from puppy chow to adult cuisine. But I agree with Dar, you don’t deserve that wife of yours.
Dean Meyer
Shhh, don’t tell her. She has a tendency to get a big head.
Garrett Meyer
Oh, god. Brace for it . . .
Dean Meyer
She also has a tendency to GIVE good head .
[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[ Dev Menon has left the chat]
[ Hudson Case has left the chat]
[ Garrett Meyer has left the chat]
Dean Meyer
What’s funny is you think I won’t add all you fuckers back.