29. Dev
twenty-nine
dev
Five Schlongs Hen Party
Dean Meyer
@Dev Menon, just wondering what the groomsmen are supposed to wear. Wedding is coming up in three weeks, and I want to make sure I look fire emoji. Not that I need too much help in that area. Should I just wear my work uniform?
Then again, that might not be a good idea. The wedding guests might think there’s a fire nearby.
Garrett Meyer
Or a stripper.
Hudson Case
Wait, you’re one of the groomsmen? I didn’t even realize you were invited.
Dean Meyer
Very funny, old man. You must have forgotten, given your advanced age.
Dev Menon
Hold on. @Dean Meyer, did you not get the detailed email about the groomsmen attire I sent weeks ago?
Darian Meyer
I certainly did. Great choice on the tuxes, Dev. Very trendy and nontraditional.
Garrett Meyer
Agreed. I’m especially excited about the hot pink bow ties. I’m so glad I turned in my measurements when I did. Apparently, there’s a shortage of green velvet now.
Dean Meyer
I know you guys are fucking with me.
Darian Meyer
Oh boy. If you didn’t read the email, then you probably also don’t know about the synchronized swim routine we’re doing for him that day. I’ve been practicing daily.
Dean Meyer
See? Now I know you guys are fucking around because that was Darian’s attempt at a joke. He never jokes because, as seen in the embarrassing example above, his jokes are dumb.
Darian Meyer
Jackass.
Dean Meyer
This is some fucked up shit, banding together against me. What have I ever done to you guys?
Hudson Case
How about making a profile for me on the SeniorSizzler dating site and then proceeding to match me with an eighty-five-year-old woman with seventeen grandchildren and six Pomeranians? Ring any bells?
Dean Meyer
Bro. Sue-Ann was a great catch! Also, how long are you going to hold that against me? It was before you met Kavi, when you were wound up so tight you were scheduling your shits. I was just trying to loosen you up! And it clearly worked, didn’t it? I’m still waiting for that ‘thank you,’ by the way.
[GIF of Leonardo DiCaprio lifting a glass and saying “You’re Welcome”]
Hudson Case
You’ll be waiting a long time.
Darian Meyer
How about slipping the DJ five hundred bucks to play nursery rhymes at my wedding and dedicating them all to my wife?
Dean Meyer
Oh, come on, little brother! Rani loved it! I bet those songs were on her most-played list. Didn’t you see how she knew all the words to them?
Garrett Meyer
How about the time you convinced Bella that we did everything together as twins, including sharing our women? And then proceeded to tell her you’d meet her in our honeymoon suite after our wedding?
Dean Meyer
That was a joke! Are you still butt-hurt about that? She rejected me, didn’t she? Even threatened to cut off the family jewels if I came within fifty feet of her. I was just testing her loyalty, bro. Again, you’re welcome.
Jesus, a man can’t get any gratitude around here.
Darian Meyer
Knowing Bella, she would have probably followed through with that threat, too.
Dean Meyer
Alright, so I can see you guys might be airing your grievances with me, and before you pile on with the rest of them, @Dev Menon, I want to tell you that the box of custom anal wipes with your face printed on them I sent to your future wife’s salon was just a gesture of my excitement in meeting her and her pussies.
Dev Menon
What the fuck are you talking about?
Dean Meyer
Ah . . . never mind. I sense from your tone that perhaps more information might not be received well.
Hudson Case
Dev, can I please rescind his invitation to the wedding on your behalf?
Dev Menon
I’m definitely contemplating it. Except, for some unfathomable reason, Piper is excited about meeting the Meyer brothers.
Darian Meyer
Feel free to tell her there are only two of us.
Dean Meyer
Ouch, little bro. I can see you’re still salty about my jokes about you marrying a fetus, but let’s not make Dev and Piper suffer. They need the best-looking and most charming Meyer brother there: me.
Speaking of your wife-to-be, @Dev Menon, how is it going with her? Are her rabbits still getting more action than you?
Hudson Case
Oh yeah, Piper was telling me she tried some new techniques to get them to breed. [GIF of Thumper and Miss Bunny kissing]
Dev Menon
Wait. She told you about that!?
Hudson Case
Yeah. What’s the big deal? We keep up with each other’s lives like any friends would. No need to get all jealous and possessive alpha, bro.
Dev Menon
What the fuck? She told you about what we did in front of her rabbits last night?
Garrett Meyer
Uh, what?
Hudson Case
What in the . . .?
Darian Meyer
I feel like I should exit this conversation, but I’m strangely intrigued.
Dean Meyer
[GIF of Simon Cowell’s “what the fuck” face being zoomed in]
Uh, Dev, buddy? Do you think you might have taken “fucking like rabbits” too literally? When Piper told you to act like an ‘animal’ in bed, I don’t think that’s what she had in mind. Or maybe she did . . . I get the feeling Sniperella is a freak.
Garrett Meyer
Goes to show you, you never really know anyone . . .
Hudson Case
Jesus. I was talking about the parsley she started adding to their food. She told me it was a natural aphrodisiac. I think I need to amputate my memory after this conversation.
Darian Meyer
Me, too.
Dean Meyer
On the bright side, looks like Dev’s tiny carrot finally found a little rabbit hole!
[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[ Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]
Dean Meyer
Darian, bro, that wasn’t even that bad. You know I can say way worse.
Darian Meyer
Which is why I was trying to preemptively leave.
Dean Meyer
Anyway, I am so excited. I have so much fodder for the best man’s speech!
Oh, Dev, I saw the news about you becoming the face of Haircuts and Heartthrobs. They went with the picture of you with one of the bare pussies around your shoulder? I will say, the messaging seems mixed. Are they selling haircuts or Brazilian waxes?
Dev Menon
A.) You are not the best man, and B.) There will be no best man’s speech because there will be no wedding. I’m canceling it, and you are all uninvited.
Dean Meyer
Aw, come on, buddy. Don’t be like that. We were just trying to be ‘ bunny’ .
Garrett Meyer
Yeah, but Dean, clearly Dev’s not hoppin’ it. Maybe we should stop. It was too ‘ munch’ for him.
Dean Meyer
Too ‘munch’! BAHAHAH!
Dev Menon
You guys are idiots.
Dean Meyer
Okay, last question for research purposes for my best man’s speech. Did last night’s activities include you wearing a cottontail butt plug? I’ve always been curious about those.
[ Dev Menon has left the chat]
Dean Meyer
There he goes, hopping off into the horizon. Oh, look! He even remembered his cottontail butt plug.
[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[ Hudson Case has left the chat]