35. Dev
thirty-five
dev
Five Schlongs Hen Party
Dean Meyer
[Image of new tattoo]
Mala, baby, you know how you say you never get enough time to read? Now you can multitask. Read this while you gag on my cock.
Darian Meyer
Dude. What the actual fuck?
Dean Meyer
OH SHIT! That was meant for Mala. Jesus.
Garrett Meyer
Is this for real? You got “Property of Mala Meyer” tattooed on your dick?!
Dean Meyer
It’s not on my dick, asshole. It’s the area above it. My pubic region.
Garrett Meyer
We can still see most of your dick in this, jackass!
Dean Meyer
Aww bro, are you upset because my dick is bigger, even though we’re twins?
Darian Meyer
Honestly, I’m scared to open these group chats anymore. This is fucking disturbing, Dean.
Hudson Case
I can’t believe they make magnifying glasses that powerful. Or was this picture taken under a microscope? And now I’m wondering, what did Mala marry you for? Clearly, not for your dick or your brain.
Dean Meyer
middle finger emoji You guys are all jackasses. Not Dev, though. He’s the only one I plan to stay friends with.
Garrett Meyer
Speaking of our resident billionaire groom, anyone know if he’s still alive? The wedding is in four days, homies! Are we having a bachelor party or what?
Dev Menon
No bachelor party. No wedding. No groom because no bride.
Dean Meyer
What? Dude, are you okay? Why are you talking like a machine? That’s Hudson’s job.
Hudson Case
Fuck, what happened? What do you mean, no wedding? Did you tattoo your dick too and now she really can’t see the little that was there?
Dean Meyer
For the last time, I didn’t tattoo my dick.
Dev Menon
I mean no wedding. She left.
Dean Meyer
After you bought yourself that furry G-string and those rabbit ears to wear for your next role-play and everything?! Some women have no appreciation for men like us. Her loss, man. Her loss.
Hudson Case
Dean, seriously? Haven’t we had enough nauseating visuals for one day? Dev, what led to this?
Dev Menon
Told her I loved her, and she made like a sock in the dryer. Poof! I made a mistake. Biggy big steak.
Darian Meyer
The hell? Guys, he doesn’t sound right to me. Dev, are you drunk?
Dean Meyer
I’m still stuck on the sock reference. Did she get pissed about her whites turning pink?
Garrett Meyer
@Dev Menon, where are you?
Dev Menon
On Mars.
Dean Meyer
Jesus, bro. Please tell us you’re not drowning in a tub full of hundred-dollar bills. It’s not a bad way to go, but a little cliché, don’t you think? Unless you’re also petting a hairless pussy. A wet, hairless pussy. Now that I’d get behind.
Get it? Get behind a wet hairless pussy?
[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[ Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]
Dean Meyer
Darian, bro, this is no time for you to prude out. We’re in a crisis here!
Hudson Case
I just messaged Piper. She hasn’t responded.
Dev Menon
Stop messaging my wife, asshole.
Hudson Case
We’ve been over this, jackass. She’s my friend and I’m the reason you even know her. Is it because she calls me Big Daddy? Dude, I’m sure this will all get sorted and she’ll give you an appropriate nickname, too. Like Minute-Man Menon or Miniscule Menon.
Dean Meyer
Is this a bad time to point out she isn’t your wife, Dev?
[GIF of Homer Simpson slowly inching backward into a bush]
Darian Meyer
Should one of us go to his house?
Hudson Case
Already on my way. Just flew into San Francisco. Be there in twenty.
Dev Menon
No. I’m not home.
Hudson Case
Yes, you are. I messaged your housekeeper and your chauffeur. They said you’re home and you smell like rotting flesh and the porta-potty at a spicy buffalo wings contest. Their words, not mine.
Dev Menon
What the fuck? You message my staff, too?
Hudson Case
I like to keep tabs on my friends. Don’t make this about me, Dev.
Dean Meyer
That’s not creepy or anything. I don’t have staff, but I’m keeping an eye on my wax lady from now on.
Hudson Case
I’m ten minutes away. Dev, put some pants on. Or don’t. What with your dick being so small and tattooed like Dean’s, I’m sure I won’t see anything.
Dean Meyer
For the love of . . .
[ Dean Meyer has left the chat]