18. Chapter Eighteen #2
And for the first time in a long time…that version of me feels like the richer one. And then it dawns on me that maybe I didn’t do things the way my father wanted me to.
But if I’m scheming to get what I want, plotting my next move, and always putting myself first, then maybe I should still have some pride left. Those are parts of the Darcy name. Those are the skills I learned from him.
Then a still, small voice reminds me that I’m not my father. I’m my own person. I have my own burdens to lay down. My own sins and secrets to confess.
I shouldn’t be carrying all of this in the first place. The guilt comes rushing back because I know I can’t keep carrying these things much longer.
At some point I’m going to have to tell my friends everything. I’m going to have to go home and face my family. I owe some people apologies. I owe them the truth.
But every time I think about confessing, my chest tightens. My breathing becomes shallow. A headache starts creeping in because it all feels like too much to carry. Too much to face.
So when Lizzie starts talking again, I force myself to focus on her. To zero in on her words because she’s the only thing that makes sense to me right now. Pretending to be her boyfriend is the only thing I feel capable of doing. So tonight, that’s what I’ll focus on.
She pulls me away from Charlie and Janet, telling everyone we’ll be right back. She leads me by the hand through the back door and into the house. Once the door closes firmly behind us, she drops my hand and gestures for me to follow her into the kitchen.
“I didn’t actually want to grab snacks and drinks. Though we should while we’re here. I really wanted to check on you.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, throwing my hands up with a shrug.
“I know, but how are we supposed to pull off this fake-dating thing if you have drama to deal with Bingley’s sister?”
“Really?” I ask, feeling defensive. “Like you don’t have something going on with that Wickham guy?”
“Excuse me?” She stares at me. “I don’t have anything going on with anyone but you, and that’s not even real.”
I shake my head, wondering why the thought of her and Wickham bothers me so much. “I saw you today. Through the window of the tailor shop. You went over to Wickham. What was that about?”
She scoffs. “You’re spying on me now, Darcy? That was before I announced we were dating tonight. It was nothing.”
“Really?” I ask again, crossing my arms over my chest. “I already told the guys, but you hadn’t told the girls yet, right?
Is that why you made the big announcement tonight?
And I saw you walk over to talk to Wickham when you all left the bridal shop.
I was sitting by the window at the tux shop. Why did you go over to him?”
“Why does it matter? Why do you care? This is fake.” She gestures between us, poking me in the chest with her finger.
I wrap my hand around hers, catching her off guard. “What if it wasn’t fake, Lizzie?” I ask, surprising myself as much as her. “What if we were really a couple?”
Stunned, she looks down at my hand and then back up at me. She bites her lip. I can tell she’s thinking. Then she gently pulls her hand away. “You’re talking crazy, Darcy.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I’m serious. I’ve never been in a real relationship.
Not once. My parents control my love life.
They chose Charlie’s sister and then everything fell apart.
Caroline and I were never really together.
We were forced together. But I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t stay and marry her.”
Lizzie takes a step back. “I never stopped to think about it, but you just left her behind?”
The hurt in her eyes is unmistakable. I take a step toward her, but she holds up a hand to stop me.
“Lizzie, it wasn’t like that. She never really loved me. She wanted my family’s money and our name to build up her family’s business. That was all.”
She looks at me, doubt etched across her beautiful face. Beautiful. When did I start seeing her as beautiful instead of just my friend?
Who am I kidding? She’s always been beautiful to me. She pulls me from my thoughts.
“I can’t believe I didn’t think about this before,” she says quietly.
“You know, I got left behind once by a man who didn’t want me.
It was torture. No one deserves that. If you didn’t love her, you could’ve told her instead of just leaving like you did.
You could’ve made it work. I don’t know.
But I thought you and I were helping each other, and now I think maybe you’re just using me. ”
“Lizzie, we made a deal that helps both of us. It’s not just me.”
“At least I was honest. There’s nothing going on with me and Wickham or Billie, for that matter.
I told both of them that I was done. But you?
You’ve got your ex-fiancée’s brother confronting you in my own backyard like it’s nothing.
I let go of my past. But yours is following you around.
And now I’m being dragged into it. Especially since your past is somehow connected to my family, which is very convenient for you not to know before you asked me, the sister-in-law of your ex-fiancée’s brother, to be your fake girlfriend and business partner.
I really should have thought more about this before I agreed. ”
Her words haunt me. Hearing it all said out loud, I know she’s right. It’s messy.
“Lizzie, I never meant for it all to come out like this. I didn’t know that Charlie was connected to you at first.”
“And you have the nerve to question me about my drama?”
“I just wanted to see if we could...”
My words trail off. My wants seem foolish now. Why is my heart deciding that now is the time to want more with Lizzie?
We haven’t even been fake dating that long. A few days in and I’m completely messed up. But I know the truth.
My feelings for her have been there all along, building over the months we’ve spent working together and hanging out. She’s been my friend. My nuisance. My baking muse.
I reach for her, desperate to have her close again, desperate for her to understand that my feelings are real even if I still have things to sort through.
“I should’ve told you before. I didn’t realize how this fake relationship would affect me.
I thought we could do this. We work well together.
But I guess my inexperience with love has gotten me all mixed up because what I feel for you is not fake, Lizzie Bennet, and I don’t want to lose you. Just let me explain everything to you.”
My phone buzzes in my pocket, but I ignore it. Lizzie and I stand there looking at each other. She’s biting her lip again, processing everything as we stand in the middle of the kitchen with the soft, muted music drifting in from the bluetooth speaker outside in the backyard.
My phone buzzes again. And again. Not a text this time. A call. I ignore it again. But it keeps buzzing like I’m getting one call after another.
I sigh and pull it out to see who it is. My sister. Three missed calls. One text message.
Georgiana: Dad is in the hospital. It’s pretty bad. You need to be here. I’ll send the address.
The next text contains the address. I stare at my screen, unsure if I can move or even speak. Tonight is making me forget how to do both.
First Charlie. Then confessing my feelings to Lizzie. Now Dad is in the hospital. How did everything happen all at once?
“I have to go,” I say to Lizzie.
“What?” she asks, stepping toward me as she studies my face. “What’s wrong?”
I look down at my phone, trying to memorize the address to the hospital so I can drive there without thinking. I don’t even remember how to use the GPS on my phone right now. I can’t think straight.
“Will?”
Lizzie saying my name pulls me out of my spiraling thoughts.
“Talk to me.”
“My dad is in the hospital.”
She’s already moving. She gently takes my phone from my hand and reads the text with the address. Then she grabs her purse and car keys from the hallway closet.
“Come on. I’ll drive you.”
“You don’t have to take me,” I say, finally finding my voice again.
But I still can’t process what’s happening. I’m moving, but everything feels heavy and slow.
“You don’t seem like you should be alone right now, so I want to take you. I’ve got you, okay?”
She reaches for me, and I let her wrap me in a hug. I rest my head on her shoulder and instantly feel comforted.
“Okay,” I say into her shoulder, my voice muffled. “Let’s go.”