21. Chapter Twenty-One #4
Trying to make a joke. Trying to deal with this. But my joke falls flat.
I try again. “We’re supposed to be in this together. Business partners, remember? We had rules and everything.”
He asks, “Do we even have anything anymore?”
And I know then that I was right. I lost Will Darcy. Just when we had reached a place that felt like new territory. Because I couldn’t handle the idea of loving him.
But I don’t say anything. I know that I’ve messed up. He stands up straighter, and I watch him, unsure of what to say, how to move, or how to keep pretending.
“I think that you should go, and I think that we shouldn’t do this anymore,” he says to me, his voice void of emotion.
“Are you breaking up with me?” I ask.
I’m no longer dumbfounded. I don’t know what I am anymore. But as I watch him, I realize that as much as I want to run away, running away is going to cost me something. And I never wanted it to cost me him.
He says, “I guess so. I would say that I’m breaking it off so neither one of us gets hurt, but it’s too late for that now.”
Another thing that’s too late. Another way I hurt him. And on top of that, he still has to go see his dad. He has to visit his mom. He still has life to figure out.
But if he’s breaking it off, then maybe it’s for the best. I take another step back. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.
Because I can’t think of anything else to say.
I grab my car keys from the counter. I walk past him and leave the kitchen, heading upstairs to grab my belongings because I know this time, when I walk out of this house, I’m not leaving with him. I know that I’m leaving without my friend. Without my business partner.
And without...the man I was too scared to love.
In the car, I turn up the Jonas Brothers song “S.O.S.,” singing it loudly and completely off-key with the windows rolled down as I drive back home to Selah.
Alone.
I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe I ruined everything. Will is staying in Chicago, and it’s all my fault. I want to hate him. But I can’t.
I think of him now as I listen to the Jonas Brothers. I think of Will’s love confession, his promise to be my business partner, and his friendship. He backed out of the deal.
But so did I. Right? I want to cry, but I don’t.
I just sing louder, channeling the version of me that is confident and strong and carefree, even though I feel anything but that. The emptiness I feel when the song ends is unprecedented. I can’t even find it in me to fake a smile because why should I pretend?
I’ve been driving for about an hour or so, through the morning. Because he didn’t want me to stay. After all of that, he wanted me gone.
Can I really be mad when I left him standing there? Why does it feel like this? Why am I so upset?
It’s Will Darcy. The same man who came to town looking to make a name for himself but settled for the handout I gave him. I can’t believe I gave him a chance. That I befriended him of all people.
Guilt plagues me right alongside all that rage. How can I treat him like he’s some spoiled rich boy who would never understand me or my struggles? Just because he comes from money doesn’t mean his life is perfect.
Look at where he ended up. Right next to me. For a little bit, at least.
Can I be mad at him? Or myself? Both? Can I be prejudiced against him because of his privileged upbringing? I don’t know. But I am all mixed up inside.
I lost my friend. My fake boyfriend. My baker. My business partner. All in one. What am I supposed to do now?
He and I signed the contract to go into business together, and now I don’t even know if he is ever coming back to Selah. I squeeze the steering wheel, wanting to punch it. But I don’t. I just keep driving until I enter town, making my way down the long road that leads to the town square.
I pull up to the cafe and eye the ‘closed for the day’ sign Nic put up for me while I was gone.
Unlocking the doors and walking inside, I stare at my cafe. Empty. Just like me.
I lock the front door and head to my office, not wanting to look at the kitchen because it’ll make me think of Will Darcy, and I don’t want to think about him anymore. As if I could help it. I sit at my desk, not knowing why I’m here or what to do next.
I look down at my clothes, and I think of him all over again. These aren’t mine. They belong to his sister.
Then I’m thinking about last night. Being with him and his family. Being at the hospital. Being at their mansion. How, for a moment, I felt like I was part of his life. That was so stupid.
Why did I think we could pretend to be together? Nothing is fixed. Instead, we messed things up even more. My phone buzzes, and I see a text from Billie, whom I’ve been ignoring for days.
Billie: Don’t throw us away yet, Liz. Let me see you.
Defeated, tired, and over everything at this point, I sigh and say aloud to myself, “Fine. I mean, why not? What else do I have to lose?”
I text Billie back.
Me: I’m at the cafe. Come over.
Billie: Staying close by at my cousin’s house. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.