Chapter Forty-Four #2
I can’t stop thinking about all the awful things I said to you last week.
They just play over and over again in my head.
I wanted to hurt you because you hurt me, but once I saw how much my words actually hurt you, I felt sick.
Seeing you in pain was so much worse than seeing you with someone else, and I didn’t think it was possible for anything to be worse than that.
I never want to hurt you. I never want to cause you pain.
I know I have work to do. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Kip
He looks up. “I’m so sorry.”
“You already apologized.”
His eyes are pleading. “You never forgave me.”
He’s right. I didn’t.
“I do now.”
Relief washes over his face. “Really? I don’t deserve it.”
“You don’t, but I’m giving it.”
His mouth turns up, and his eyes crinkles around the edges in a way that makes me melt. “Thank you.”
He looks back down and continues.
Brooklyn,
I had dinner with Hawk again. We talked football like normal people. I haven’t had a normal conversation with him in over a decade. It felt good.
The truth about me and Hawk isn’t complicated. There was no one event that ended things. It was a death by a thousand cuts. I imagine it started before we were even out of diapers.
Hawk is less than a year younger than me.
My father always pitted us against each other.
Everything was a competition for his approval.
He figured I was the smart one, and Hawk was the athletic one early on.
Whenever Hawk would bring home a bad grade he’d hold up something of mine.
Why can’t you be more like your brother?
Why are you so stupid? Whenever I’d strike out in baseball, he’d pull me aside and point out Hawk had two home runs last week. Why was I such a pussy? And on and on.
The resentment and bitterness grew between us because the truth was neither of us would ever win my father’s approval no matter what we did.
He’d smack us around, but he never beat us.
He wasn’t a drunk, but he wasn’t loving.
He thought we needed to be tough. The world was a hard place, and we needed to be prepared.
Things escalated between me and Hawk around the time my sister and mom died. I’m not ready to get into that now.
Kip
“I’m sorry.”
“It won’t ever be like that for...” he nods toward my stomach.
“I know,” I say softly.
Brooklyn,
I talked with my therapist about running into you. She agreed I was a selfish dickhead.
Kip
I laugh again. “Sounds like you have a good therapist.”
He grins. “I do.”
Brooklyn,
I saw in the news that both of your sisters-in-law had their babies over Thanksgiving.
I bet that was a fun holiday. Congratulations.
I’m sure you’re already a great aunt. I know how much children love you.
I wish I could see you with them. Sometimes I wonder if you want children someday, but it’s too painful to think about because you’re not mine, and I’m not sure you ever will be.
Kip
We hold eye contact for a moment, and then he sighs. “I didn’t even think about how we threw out the condom rule. I should have made sure you were okay. I came inside you like twenty times in one weekend.”
“I’ve never done that before. I’m always so responsible.”
“I’m glad,” he interrupts. “I’m glad it happened. I know you like to plan things, but I’m glad it happened this way.”
He looks down at the next letter, sighs, and takes another sip of his water before continuing.
Brooklyn,
My dad died of a heart attack six years ago.
My marriage fell apart shortly after. Kendall and I met right after college.
She was everything I thought I wanted in a wife.
In hindsight, there were some red flags, but I ignored them.
I was in love – nothing else mattered. I couldn’t wait to marry her.
We were happy at first - really happy. We were poor.
I worked constantly and hadn’t sold any of my writing, but we were happy.
Things changed when the money started coming in, and the fame that followed.
She changed or maybe she didn’t change. Maybe I just didn’t see who she really was until it was too late?
She was obsessed with money and obsessed with the new social status it gave her.
She wanted it all – the house in the right neighborhood, the social clubs, the vacation home.
Then she started getting all kinds of cosmetic procedures.
She seemed to want to change everything about herself.
I couldn’t understand why. I’d fallen in love with her just the way she was. She didn’t need to change a thing.
I traveled a lot and worked a lot. She grew distance.
We stopped having sex. We stopped spending any time together.
She found someone else to spend time with.
I came home early from a business trip and found her in bed with her tennis coach.
I fell apart for a bit - drinking too much, isolating myself.
Hawk kept calling me to tell me things weren’t right with Mom.
My sister, Harper, had been caring for her after Dad died.
I offered to pay for nurses to come in, but I didn’t have time to arrange anything.
I didn’t have time to come. I was too wrapped up in my own troubles – obsessed with the dissolution of my marriage.
Hawk finally insisted that I come home - see for myself, help come up with some solutions.
By this time, Mom had declined so much, I hardly recognized her.
Physically she was fragile, but mentally, she was gone.
Mom had always been the smartest person in the room.
She didn’t recognize me at all. Caring for her had taken its toll on Harper.
Once I saw how bad things had gotten, I agreed to stay in the cabin - help out to give her a break.
I wasn’t even there a week when Harper didn’t come downstairs at breakfast. She didn’t come down for lunch either.
I went upstairs to find her. She’d overdosed.
I’ll never forget opening the door to her room and finding her.
I don’t know if it was intentional or not.
We’ll never know. She’d had some mental health problems in the past – some substance abuse issues as well.
I thought they were behind her. Like too many things, I made assumptions and ignored problems that should have been obvious.
Hawk blamed me. He said I should have come home sooner.
I should have found more ways to help out.
He’s not wrong. I should have...I should have listened to Hawk.
I should have checked in more with Harper.
I should have made sure that Mom was taken care of.
I was too wrapped up in my own damn problems.
Hawk wanted nothing to do with me after Harper died, and I don’t blame him.
I deserved to be alone – unhappy. I stayed to care for mom.
I brought in round the clock care for her, but even still, we eventually had to move her to a home.
I know she really wanted to die at home, but there was no way. I’ve always felt guilty about it.
I stopped writing when Harper died. I stopped living, really.
I stayed in the cabin, trying to write unsuccessfully every day.
I worked at the restaurant although I’m not sure they ever needed me.
I told myself I was helping out - helping Hawk.
I think I would have lived forever that way if you hadn’t crashed into my life.
Whatever happens, I’m thankful for you. I’m thankful for our time together.
Kip
I move, kneeling in front of his chair. He sets the letters on the coffee table and takes my hand.
I look up at him. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you everything.”
I squeeze his hand. I’ve lived through enough trauma to know that you have to be ready to face it.
“I have one more thing to show you.” He nods for me to sit back on the couch. He pulls a book out of the box and sits beside me.
“Here,” he holds it out.
“What is it?” I take it in my hands.
“My newest book. I got you an advanced copy.”
I gasp. “It’s finished.”
“Record time. Well, not if you count the four years I spent not writing it.”
I shake my head. The cover is beautiful. I run my hands over it and read the title, “Fraternity.”
“It’s about brothers with a complicated relationship.”
I laugh. “Is it a memoir?”
He laughs and shakes his head. “No, it’s solidly fiction, but it helped me work through some of my issues with Hawk and my dad.”
“I can’t wait to read it.”
“Open it,” he says.
I carefully open it. As soon as I see the dedication page, I cover my mouth with my hand. It reads:
For Ginger,
Without you, I would never have written this book. I doubt I ever would have written anything again. You helped me move forward when I was stuck, and I will be forever grateful. You mean more to me than I could ever express in words.
I love you.
I love you more than words can express. I love you with every fiber of my body and every thought that passes through my brain.
No matter what happens in the future, I will always love you. Thank you for all the ways you’ve changed my life for the better.
GMGF
My heart is shuttering, but I let out a shocked laugh. “Did you sign it Grumpy McGrumpface?”
He’s laughing now too. “I wouldn’t tell my editors what it stood for.”
I’m doubled over laughing, tears forming at the corners of my eyes. I shake my head. “I can’t believe you did that.”
“I knew it would make you laugh.”
I stop laughing and look down at the page again. I reread everything and then I say, “I love you too.”
I’ll never forget the look on his face when our eyes meet. It makes my insides want to burst with joy. He takes my face in his hands and kisses softly.
“I love you so much,” he whispers.
We lose ourselves for a moment, and then reality starts to creep its way into my brain. I push back.
“What’s wrong?” His eyes are full of worry.
“What are we doing?” I ask.
“What do you mean? What are we doing?” His voice is growing louder.
“Calm down, grumpy.”
He snorts.
“Did you forget we live 4,000 miles from each other? That’s going to be one heck of a long distance relationship? Not to mention...” I don’t even want to finish this thought. “What are we going to do about custody?’
He puts his hands on my shoulders and says, “I don’t live 4000 miles away.”
“Okay, that’s not a technical number, but...”
“No,” he cuts me off. “I don’t live in Alaska anymore.”
My mouth drops open. “What?”
“I’m moving.”
I shake my head. “But the cabin...the restaurant...you can’t just leave it all.”
“I already did.”
I’m still shaking my head. “I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You didn’t ask me to do anything.”
“I don’t want you to give up everything for me,” I say quietly.
“I’m not.” He leans back and sighs heavily. “I never planned to move back. I left Alaska because I wanted to get away. I felt suffocated there - mainly by my father, but I was happy to leave. I only came back because Mom needed me, and I stayed because I was stuck.”
“What about the restaurant?” I ask.
“I’m turning it over to Hawk.”
My eyes widen. “Is that what you want?”
“Yes. I wasn’t even taking any money from it. He didn’t know this until yesterday, but I’d been giving him all the profits anyway. I just did it out of guilt and maybe a bit of stubbornness. He doesn’t need me. It practically runs itself. We have a great staff.”
My mouth is still hanging open a bit.
“And the cabin?”
“It’s a great summer vacation home.”
“Doesn’t Hawk want it?”
He shakes his head. “No, he said he’d prefer it be a vacation spot. We’ll rent it out for a part of the year, and we can go visit during the summers.”
I bite my lower lip.
“I’m here,” he says. “I’m moving here. I’m here for you.”
I study his face. “What about Blue?”
His body slumps just a little. “That was the hardest part. Blue was my mom’s dog. He was born on that property. I can’t take him away. He’s an old dog.”
“It’s his home.”
“Exactly. He can run free, swim in the lake, chase raccoons.”
“What’s going to happen to him?”
One side of Kip’s mouth twitches upward. “McKenzie is moving into the cabin. Her on again off again husband is off again. She needed a place to stay. Hawk and I agreed to let her have the cabin for free if she’ll help out a little managing the property.”
“And Blue stays with the cabin.”
“Exactly. It’s perfect. She already knows him and loves him. She’s lonely too. They’ll be good for each other.”
“I’m sorry you’re having to leave him behind,” I say.
“Me too, but I know it’s the right decision.”
I kiss his cheek softly.
“I need to be here. I want to be here. I can work from anywhere. Being here is better for doing press than Alaska anyway. There’s nothing keeping me there. Everything I want is here.”
I blink a few times, and he continues, “I want to be with you, but I’m here for you whatever you want. I’m here for this baby. I don’t want to be a part time parent. I don’t want to be in a long distance relationship. Brooklyn, I want it all.”
His eyes are desperately scanning me, searching for clues to how I’m about to respond. I don’t keep him guessing. “I want it all too.”
“Thank god,” he mutters under his breath right before he kisses me. He snatches me into his arms and carries me into the bedroom. As he’s lifting my shirt over, I say, “You can take my bra off.”
He freezes. “Aren’t you sore?”
“It went away.”
He jerks his eyes to mine. “Really?”
“It went away, and guess what, I haven’t thrown up in two days.”
A smile grows on his face. He reaches behind me and unhooks my bra. When it falls in my lap, he says, “Jesus Christ.”
“You can touch them,” I whisper.
He lets out some sort of primal guttural sound that stirs something deep in my core and palms both of my breasts at the same time.
“Oh my god,” we both groan together. I’m so sensitive in the best way possible.
“Can I suck on them?” he asks.
“Yes, god yes.”
He takes one into his mouth, and I’m losing my mind. The room is spinning. I’m writhing my body around. He slides his hand between my thighs, and I shatter.
“Damn, woman,” he says when I come back down to earth.
“Oh. My. God.”
He laughs.
“That was an out of body experience.”
“For you and me both,” he says as he nuzzles his face between my breasts.
I laugh and say, “Let’s do it again.”