37. Arse. Hooole
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
arse. hooole
AIDEN
I stand outside Le Lounge watching Linnea walk away. I made her flinch. She was scared of me.
Those things I just said to her… Fucking hell.
She wasn’t blowing it out of proportion, she had every right to be upset. I’m a fucking arsehole. And an even bigger one for doing what my dad did.
After all the years of desperately not wanting to be the player who hurts people along the way, of trying to be honest and act with integrity. After all the years of wanting to be the version of Dad that I wanted him to be. I still managed to fuck it up.
Linnea’s right. I hedged. I hesitated and chose to have a backup plan. Why? What the fuck is wrong with me? How could I doubt what we have?
I love her.
And I should’ve believed in us enough to make the right call back there.
I turn and walk back into Le Lounge.
“Mr A, you’re back so soon.”
Nodding towards the office I came from not long ago, Rita wordlessly walks over and knocks on the door. “Mr A is back,” she says and a muffled voice sounds from within.
Ms Knight sits where I left her, and when she sees me, she retrieves the contract again.
“I’m resigning,” I say.
“I gathered. You understand you won’t be able to return?” she asks, as if she didn’t just watch me change my mind fifteen minutes ago.
“I do. This is it.” I sign on all the pages she points out and the relief when I’m done is immense. My shoulders drop and I breathe freely. This was the right thing to do.
It’s all over now, and I step into the dark hallway for the last time in my life.
“Goodbye, Rita,” I tell the hostess.
“Hope you find what you’re looking for, Mr A.”
“I did.”
But now I need to go and fix it.
Leaving Le Lounge behind me, knowing exactly what I want in my life, is more freeing than frightening. The frightening part is figuring out how to get Linnea to forgive me.
I call Mo. Thirty minutes later I’m outside Linnea’s house, but it’s dark. She’s not here. Or she is, but she’s ignoring the doorbell, and my knocking. And my phone calls.
Shit, is she okay? Where did she go after she left me?
I sit down on the step outside her house. I’ll wait here.
My phone buzzes in my hand.
Please leave
So she is home?
“Linnea?” I shout through the solid front door. “I quit the club. All I want is you.”
Nothing. No sound.
“Linnea? Please…” I lean my forehead on the cold glass. The darkness spreads from my gut into my throat. I swallow hard. What have I done?
Another text vibrates in my hand.
Leave now, please. I need to be alone
Am I supposed to leave when she asks like that? Or fight harder?
“I’ll go now, but I’m not giving up,” I say, hoping she can hear me through the door. Then I slump back into the car.
“Take me to The Orion, Mo. I need a drink.”
It’s been a while since I was drunk. I punched a hole in a wall once. And another time I cried and Elliott thought I was having a breakdown. I try to recall when that was. Elliott is here now too. Mark is at the theatre with Rey. Sebastian is fuck-knows-where.
“You should get off the floor, Aiden,” Elliott says from somewhere. A disembodied voice. Is he even here?
His bright eyes and brown floppy hair appear too close to my face. He’s tan.
“You’ve been in the sun.” I squint at him.
“Yes, I took my brother on a trip for a week.”
“Oh.”
“Come on, up you pop.”
I let Elliott push me up. I’m a sack of potatoes and it feels kind of okay. Maybe Elliott can just carry me around everywhere.
“Did I tell you my dad was an arsehole?” I ask, dragging the word out, making it loud into my glass. “Arse. Hooole,” I repeat, before downing the last of my whiskey, leaning back against the side of the chair where Elliott’s propped me up.
“Never heard that version of it, no. Mark made him sound like a wonderful dad.”
“He was.” I lean over to the side table and grab the bottle, there’s only a little left. Did I have all that? No. I feel fine. I’m fine.
“Should we get you home, Aiden?” Elliott tries to take the bottle from me, but I pull it back. He knows not to argue.
“My home is not my home.”
“What happened with Linnea?”
“How’d’you guess that?”
“I can only imagine it’s got to do with her. She was part of the reason you were drunk last time too, if I recall correctly.”
I blink at him, filling my glass up. That’s a lot. Ah, well. I have no plans. Not until some day on the calendar when Mum is getting married and Linnea is meant to be there but I don’t know if she will.
“Nah.”
“Yeah,” Elliott sighs, sitting down next to me. “Can I have a sip? That’s too full.”
I nod, sloshing my drink, and he takes it from me before I spill it all.
“You’d overheard her and Henry fighting, and you were struggling with how to deal with it. ‘As a client,’ you kept saying. I guess I understand it better in hindsight. You don’t remember?”
“I remember the fight.”
The fight. I look at Elliott.
“You have blue eyes,” I tell him. “Linnea has blue eyes…” I stare at him. “She was scared of me. I just wanted to cuddle her arms the way she likes me to.”
There’s a stinging heat behind my eyes, and I pinch the bridge of my nose. Did I do what Henry did to her? I told her to calm down. That she was exaggerating. Why did I do that? Why did I try to make it into nothing when it was something?
“What are you mumbling about, Aiden? Why did you do what?”
“Linnea. I was shit.”
“I don’t follow. Did you say or do something wrong?” Elliott asks, his eyes right there. Stupid, painfully blue eyes.
“I laugh everything off.”
“You don’t like addressing pain, I’ve noticed. I’m sensing now… Is this why you avoid drinking? You can’t control your emotions when you drink.”
My eyes find my friend again. He’s noticed it? I haven’t ever considered that. I just thought I had a drink-and-punch-holes problem.
“You should probably talk to someone, Aiden.”
“I hurt her.”
“You what?”
“I was being Henry. By trying to make it less shit, to calm it all. I was just like Henry.” I put my face in my hands, replaying the scene.
It’s morphed and weird, but her face is clear as day.
“FUCK.” The fear in her eyes when I reached out for her.
When she brushed her arm… I reminded her of that night, didn’t I?
Of that horrible Halloween. Fuck, I need to undo this. How can I earn back her trust?