Gioia di mamma
CHAPTER FORTY
AIDEN
The brick-paved courtyard is bustling with guests who are staying at the manor house for the wedding. I park in the corner, as instructed by the uniformed man in the middle, and after switching the car off, I sit for a moment.
Linnea’s yet to confirm if she’s coming, but regardless, I’ve decided to tell Mum the truth.
That’s why my stomach hurts.
This is what I’d normally push away from, isn’t it? This queasy sensation. My stomach clenching from having to deal with pain, knowing I can’t control the outcome.
It reminds me of what Linnea said her grandfather had taught her. Do what you can, or don’t worry about it. Something like that. What I can do is come clean to Mum, and because I can’t control how she reacts, I will try not to worry about that.
But I control how I respond.
I can push past the discomfort, the heavy pain sitting on my chest, and explain what I’ve learned about myself in the past week.
One bender. One therapy session. One hundred hours of rumination and reading through letters I’ve not even glanced at for thirteen years.
There’s a knock on my window and I look up into the face I know better than any. The deep brown wells of Mum’s eyes. She grins and waves, for a moment making me forget that I’m about to break her heart.
Nah, there’s that pain again.
I won’t allow distractions.
Her expression falters when I don’t move and she waves me out. I force my legs to work and step out of my vehicle.
“Gioia di mamma,” she says and hugs me around the middle. “So good to see you, my son.”
“Can we walk?” I ask, gesturing to the gardens. I’ve been here once before and recall it’s a decent path. Plenty of places to sit and space to wander around. Time to get all the words out.
“You don’t want to come inside? See your—”
“Not yet,” I interrupt. “I need to speak with you.”
“Oh, certo. Dài, andiamo.” She hooks her arm through mine and we stroll. Once past the wide, blue-flowered bushes, she squeezes my arm. “Dimmi che è successo.” ‘Tell me what happened.’
“This is hard for me to say out loud, so you need to let me talk. Give me the time to get it out.”
“Understood.” She tilts her head sideways, her thick, groomed eyebrows curl up in concern.
“It was a lie, at the start.” I clear my throat. Come on, Aiden. Just as I imagined myself saying it. I can do it. “When you asked who I was seeing, and I said Linnea. It wasn’t true.”
She shakes her head, knitting her brow. “But your face—”
“Mamma, per favore.” I close my eyes. “I need to just get it all out. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“It became true, after a few weeks. I realised I’ve liked her for a long time, actually, that she’s all I ever dreamed of.” I suck in my lower lip, wondering how I let myself fuck this up. I’ve tried to unpack it all. “We were perfect, for a bit.”
“Were?”
I rub my neck and stare at the gravel path. “I messed up.”
She curses under her breath in Italian, and wipes a hand across her forehead. She starts walking down the path in front of me, mumbling to herself.
“Mum, what are you saying? Look, I’m sorry I lied to you, I really didn’t want to, but I didn’t want you to worry about me. I saw it in your eyes how disappointed you were in me, and I didn’t want to deal with that.”
Mum stops and turns to me, and I skid to a halt at the hurt in her eyes. Fuck, this is what I wanted to avoid.
“Why are you telling me this now, Aiden? On the day before my wedding?”
“I can’t stand here on your wedding day with this lie between us.
I should have told you right away, but I…
” I sigh. I didn’t dare to. “It snowballed. And then the blog came out. It all put Linnea in a tight spot. She hated lying, especially to you. But then I realised why I’d said her name to you, and I was there, wanting her, but she didn’t feel the same. ”
Mum’s gaze scans my face, eyes narrowing.
“That’s why you were so weird at the brunch?”
“Yes, I figured out how I felt about her, for real, at the engagement party.” The memories flood me as if it was yesterday.
Linnea’s lips on mine for the first time.
How it hit me like a freight train of warmth and euphoria.
I swipe a hand over my mouth. “She told me that she didn’t want a relationship with her client, so I was struggling to deal with it all at the brunch. ”
Mum shakes her head.
“What did you do to mess it up? Are you going to fix it?”
“I have to, Mum.”
She narrows her eyes at me. “What did you do?”
Heat swirls in me at her question. “Before you ask, no I absolutely did not cheat on her.”
“Jesus, Aiden, I would never think that of you.”
“Oh, good. Because I would never do that.”
“You’re a good man, Aiden. I’m sure whatever mistake you made can be corrected with all the love and care you have in your big heart.”
“Thank you, Mum.” My shoulders drop an inch from her words.
So she didn’t jump to the conclusion I expected she would.
“I can’t give you all the details… But I had a choice to make and I panicked.
I was freaking out about not being good enough for her.
When Linnea found out I didn’t choose her, and confronted me about it, I reacted like a fucking coward. ”
“You are not a coward.”
“I am. I turned it around on her, which is the worst thing I could’ve done to her. Her ex-husband was quite the … arse. Sorry, Mum, I can’t find any nicer words for him.”
Mum huffs and shakes her head. “Let’s go sit over here. My feet are getting tired from standing.”
We crunch over the gravel to a wooden bench by the pond. The sun shimmers on the brownish water and for a moment all we can hear are the birds chirping and insects buzzing. There’s that warm kind of smell of summer in the air—grass, flowers, just pure nature.
“Why would you not be good enough for Linnea?”
I open my mouth to answer, but she stops me.
“Let me rephrase that. Why can you not make yourself good enough? You choose how and who you want to be, Aiden. If you choose her, choose yourself, and you can be the man you want to be.”
I blink away the heat threatening behind my eyes. She has no idea how much that hits exactly where I need it.
“Aiden,” she says again and I tilt my gaze down at her heart-shaped face. “Why do you believe I’d rather have you lie to me than talk to me?”
“Oh Mum, I’m so sorry. There’s no excuse for lying to you like that.
What I was thinking at the time, though…
You’ve taken care of me my whole life. I didn’t want you to feel like you needed to sacrifice more energy or time worrying about me.
You gave up having a career, you spent all your time with me, you cheered me on and up, all after losing the love of your life. ”
“You’re the love of my life, Aiden.” She pats my knee, and I grab her hand, looking down at it.
“How much did you know about Dad’s family in Florence?”
“Not much. He left them, and it was a sore subject.” Her hand twitches in mine but I hold it tight. “We were happy together, but he didn’t like to discuss things that made him upset, so there’s probably a lot I never learned about him.”
“Sounds familiar,” I mutter.
“You don’t have to walk in those footsteps, Aiden. You choose your path.”
“You’re right. Thank you, Mum.”
Although the insistence not to walk in his shoes is kind of what got me in this mess. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
“I’ll never ask you to share everything with me,” Mum says.
“But I want you to remember this.” She shifts on the bench, facing me, holding my hand between her small, warm ones.
“Giorgio was a wonderful dad to you, and a beautiful, generous, caring, and warm life partner for me. Did he make mistakes? I’m sure he did.
Was he that lovely man every single day?
No. And I wasn’t sunshine Amara for him every day.
We are complex creatures, Aiden. It’s possible to be a magnificent person who also makes mistakes.
It’s how you deal with those mistakes that defines you.
And you’re a fighter with a strong heart, Aiden. ”
I exhale, hope blossoming in my chest. I made a mistake. Just a normal flawed human.
This can be worked out. It’s the only outcome I will accept.
“I’m well aware that because of my job, because we’re darker than the average Cambridge family…
” Mum shakes her head. “You were the only black-haired, golden-brown child in that classroom and the teachers struggled to see past that, and past our social status,” Mum says brushing a hand over my cheek.
“You had to work so much harder than everyone else, and you always did. Without complaints. I’m not sure you even realised, it just became second nature to you, but I watched you grow into this respectful, kind man and I couldn’t be prouder of you.
You were the best friend to Mark and the other boys, a sweet romantic, such a fun little boy …
and you always helped me out at home, even after hours of homework that you hated to do. ”
“Still hate that part of my job,” I say, and we laugh together.
“You might call my spending all my spare time with you a sacrifice, but don’t you see—you are my favourite human to be around. I loved being there for you and with you. I chose you, Aiden. And it was important for me to love you enough for me and your father, and he loved you so, so much.”
“Thank you, Mum. I don’t know what else to say. Just… Thank you. You have no idea how much those words mean to me.”
We sit for a moment, my hand between hers, birds chirping around us, and there’s the sound of men chatting, clanking metal and laughter from the garden behind the wall. Sounds like they’re setting up a marquee.
I guess I’ll find out.
“Let’s head back, I’m thirsty,” Mum says.
“Okay.”
We stroll back, arm in arm, and a part of the weight on my chest has lifted. I will be able to talk to Linnea. I will get it all out.
“Your father would be so proud of the man you are, Aiden.”
The fight with Linnea flashes across my mind. I’m not sure how true that is right now… He might recognise himself a bit too much. Did he regret his choices?
“I hope he will be, after I talk to Linnea when she arrives… If she’ll still come.”
“What are you on about?”
“I’m not sure she’ll want to see me, Mum. I’m really sorry I’ve brought this on your wedding day, but that’s another reason why I had to tell you now.”
“She’s been here since Wednesday, darling.”
I stop at the edge of the courtyard. “She’s … here?”
Mum nods.
“Right now?”
“Yes.”
The shock of her words rushes through my gut, and I can’t move a single step. I thought I’d have a night to man up. To prepare more. Or something.
I’m terrified of fucking this up.
The sun catches on a blond head of hair exiting the garden gate across the courtyard, and my chest constricts. I try to inhale but the air feels stuck. When I finally manage to, it’s less a measured breath and more like a rattling gasp.
The adrenaline still surges through me, my heart pounding into my ears, but right now I’m in freeze mode.
“This is your airport-dash, gioia mia.” Mum’s warm hand squeezes mine. “I believe in you.”