Chapter 6 You Will Never Be Worth It
You Will Never Be Worth It
Keaton | The Past
At some point, you find yourself on your knees, forced to face the wreckage of your own making. You realize you’re the architect of the pain that gutted the only person who ever stood by you. Her only mistake was loving someone who never deserved her. Now, you see the full weight of your actions.
I hate you.
Those three words echo relentlessly, pounding against my mind and digging deep beneath my skin.
Sixteen years, and never once did those words cross her lips. Not to me, not to anyone. Charlie was incapable of hate until I handed her the reason.
What the fuck have I done?
This isn't me. This isn't the man my parents raised me to be.
A single tear runs down my face, searing my frozen hand. It's striking how one drop can hold so much—joy, love, grief, self-loathing, regret.
I ache to chase after her, but my legs refuse to obey, rooted by the weight of what I’ve done.
How did I end up here? How could I have shattered the best thing in my world? What twisted part of me let this happen?
"Oh, come on, Keaton. You knew this would be the outcome. Don't act like a baby now. She doesn't want you anymore. We can finally be together."
Her voice grates against my ears. "Shut the fuck up."
He's all yours. I don't want him anymore.
I hate you.
You fucking annihilated me.
I'll leave here, and I'll erase you from my life.
I'm unable to block out the taunting words, and even if I could, I wouldn't. They're my punishment.
My head snaps around as the door clicks shut behind them. Darkness flickers at the edges of my vision, and I claw at my throat, desperate for air.
She's gone because she hates me, but not as much as I hate myself.
The smile that could light up my darkest days—gone.
I hate you.
The way her smoky gray eyes spoke her mood before her lips ever did—gone.
I hate you.
The love she once poured into me—gone.
I hate you.
But my love remains. God, it refuses to die, even after everything I’ve destroyed. My soul claws at my insides, desperate for redemption, but it can’t let go. If I let it, I’d lose any chance of ever making things right, of bringing her back.
I was so deeply in love with you. It's funny how quickly that leaves.
I clutch a fistful of my hair and yank hard, needing the sting, craving the punishment.
"Why are you doing this? This is what you wanted."
The laugh that drops out of my mouth is so harsh it makes her flinch. "You think this is what I wanted? I never wanted this."
"Then what was this? Huh?" she snaps, folding her arms over her chest.
God. What have I done? How the fuck could I ever have crossed that line with her?
"It was the stupidest fucking decision I've ever made. One that I'll regret until I take my last breath." My legs struggle to hold me up as I climb to my feet. "You aren't worth this. You never were. How the fuck did I not see that?"
Charlie is gone.
Why the hell am I still standing here for?
Rianna gasps. "You don't mean that."
"Yeah, I do. That girl that I just tore apart? She's worth a fucking million of you."
"Is she now? Is that why you were just fucking me then? Without a condom, I might add. That means something."
Her words spark something violent inside me. Acid scorches my throat, my stomach twists, and bile erupts from my mouth, splattering the floor and her feet, making her leap back with a shriek.
Stupid. I am so irredeemably stupid.
Why? Why did I do this?
"You're right," I croak, watching with disgust as triumph fills her eyes.
"It means something. It means that I just fucked up my entire existence and destroyed the love of my life.
It means for the first time, I have to get a damn STD test done because I was too fucking stupid to take the time to grab a condom.
Because if I had taken that time, we both know it would have never happened, Rianna.
I don't even know how it did, and I wish on everything that I could take it all back. Including ever meeting you."
At the door, I hesitate, casting one last look over my shoulder at her.
Her hair hangs limp and lackluster down her back, her muddy eyes holding an ugliness I somehow missed.
Charlie didn't, though, and she warned me.
Fuck, she warned me so many times, and I ignored her, chalking it up to her being jealous.
I should have known better because my Charlie has never once had a jealous bone in her body.
She would always find it amusing when girls checked me out or flirted with me.
When I asked her if it bothered her, she told me no.
She knew I loved her and would never hurt her by entertaining them, so what was the harm in letting them feel good for a few seconds in their lives?
Why did I brush off her warnings? Why did I not shove Rianna out of our lives when I knew how Charlie felt?
"Stay away from me, Rianna, and stay the hell away from Charlie. Whatever the fuck this was...it ends here."
"Sure it does, Kea. You'll come running back. It was easy to have you chasing after me again. A little sob story and you were hooked, choosing to believe me instead of the love of your life," she finishes with a sneer.
Every word she spits is a dagger, driving me out of the pool house. I’m running from her, from the truth, from myself—and yet, somehow, still running toward her, my butterfly.
"Charlie," I scream as I see her near the gate.
No, no, no. She can’t walk away. Not like this.
I bounce off a hard chest when I try to run after her. "Move the hell out of my way. I've got to get to her. You've got to let me get to her."
"No, the fuck you don't, mate. You're the reason she's running. If you think I'm going to let you go after her, then you really are much more stupid than is humanly possible."
Fucking David Baladucci.
"And you're stupid if you think I'm going to let you stop me. You're not getting her, man. I won't let it happen. She's mine."
Any other time, I'd probably be embarrassed about the way my voice breaks on that last word, but I don't have it in me to care right now.
Pain cracks through my jaw, making me stumble aside.
I taste blood as I lick the corner of my mouth, metallic and sharp. My fists clench so tight my nails break skin, drawing crimson. "Again."
David doesn't hesitate as he takes perverse enjoyment from his knuckles connecting with my face.
"Again."
I lose track of how many times I beg him to hit me, and he obliges. The pain in my body is nothing compared to the devastation I’ve inflicted on Charlie.
"I never wanted Charlie like that. She just deserved to feel desired because you were too focused on someone else to give her your time and attention.
She's beautiful, and if she'd been friends with anyone else, I would have pursued her.
You wouldn't have stood a chance." David folds his arms and straightens, staring me down.
"You're done here, Keaton. And I don't just mean tonight.
I mean at Granite Bay. Do you know how many people adore Charlie?
About eighty-five percent of this University.
There is something extraordinary about Charlie and how she is with people.
Look at how she treated that girl you cheated with.
She never made you choose between her and Rianna—it was your decision. "
He shakes his head. "And you picked the wrong one. Charlie is the light people need, and tonight, we all watched you extinguish that. You crushed a fundamental part of who she was. You...you gave up a diamond for a piece of damn coal."
By the time he finishes, the whole party stands behind him, and from their glares, I am Granite Bay’s public enemy number one. Their sneers sharpen as their eyes land on me.
One of the two most hated people at Granite Bay.
Is this the emptiness she felt? This utter desolation?
Red stings my eyes as blood drips down, but I lift my chin to face my firing squad.
"Do what you want. I earned it. But I'm staying, as long as she's here.
My life belongs to her, even if she doesn't want me in it.
If I have to eat shit, so be it. None of you will hate me more than I do.
I broke someone who shouldn't have been broken, and I don't know why.
I hope I find the answer, because she deserves it.
But I'll never stop trying to fix what I broke, David. "
It’s tragic that I only let myself be vulnerable in front of seventy-five classmates by breaking Charlie.
"Pretty little speech, dickhead. None of us gives a rat's ass, nor do we believe a word out of your mouth. Take that vile bitch beside you and get out of our faces," Jerica, David's sister, snarls from the comfort of her boyfriend, Reggie's, arms.
I felt Rianna walk up to me during my speech, but I ignored her. Now, she reaches out to grab my hand, and I yank it away viciously, aiming a lethal look her way.
"Do. Not. Touch. Me."
Is it fair to hate her as much as I hate myself? Maybe not, but I do. Every glance, every word, every touch is a reminder of what we ruined.
"She can find her own way out," I say in an empty voice.
"Keaton!"
Her voice scrapes my nerves as I push through the packed bodies. Each shove, each sneer, is a cruel reminder of everything I’ve lost.
You did this. This is your penance.
I squeeze my hands together to control the rage rushing through me as I finally make it clear. It demands I hit them to prove that I'm not worthless. Show them they don't get to shove me without consequences.
I close my eyes and draw a deep breath, letting the pain in my face ground me. My fists loosen as the rage fades as quickly as it flared.
They do get to shove me without consequence, because this pain, this guilt, is mine alone to carry.
There will always be consequences for your actions. These are only the start of mine.
This is where my atonement begins, and even if redemption never finds me, I’ll keep fighting for it.
Somewhere, I veered off the path I once walked with Charlie. Maybe I saw it coming and just refused to admit it. All I know is this isn’t the life I wanted for either of us. But my selfishness left us with no other road.
This is our life now.
At least until I can fix it.
If I'm able to fix it.
God, I hope so.
"I'm so fucking sorry, my pretty butterfly," I whisper to the night sky as I shove my hands in the pockets of my jeans and start the walk to my apartment.