Chapter 3 #2
“No, Graham, it’s not fair.” I couldn’t help but give in to the anger boiling inside.
“You left me! You missed my birthday. You missed the only traditional holiday I’m obsessed with.
What’s worse… the last time you spoke to me, I figured I’d at least be able to see you around town…
that we’d still be friends. But no. You completely checked out and I didn’t even get a goddamn chance to say goodbye. ”
“Max, I’m sorry—”
“It was really hard to get over that, ya know?”
“Did you?”
“No… Not really.” My gaze dropped to the slatted floor.
“Don’t let it go to your head. Hunter’s dulled the sting.
At least he did… until you showed up with that stupid cocky grin you’re trying to suppress.
” I crossed my arms and stared at the flurry of snow slowly falling in the yard.
The corner of his mouth twitched. He didn’t deny it.
“Do you love him?” he asked, voice soft and caring as he reached for my hand.
I pulled away. “I—I don’t know.”
“Is he good to you?”
“Graham—I—”
He reached for my hand again, and this time I didn’t pull away. His thumb moved once across my knuckles. My god. His touch sent fire through my veins, igniting everything I’d been failing to hold back.
“Answer the question, Max.”
“Yes! Okay? Yes! He’s good to me.”
“So, you love him… and you’re happy?”
“I—I don’t know! Maybe…?”
“All I want is for you to be happy.” He wasn’t looking at me when he said it. Eyes on the yard, jaw tight. “And if you can have that with Hunter, I want you to—”
“Goddamn it! He’s not you!” My vision clouded. Tears pooled behind my lashes. “You don’t get it! I can’t just dump him because you showed up.”
“I’m not saying you should. I just wanted you to know how I felt and where I stood.”
My chest tightened. “But I don’t. Not really. You haven’t said a goddamn thing.”
“Isn’t me showing up enough?”
“Really?” I let out a breath and crossed my arms again. “You think you can just walk back in here, and I’m just supposed to fall back into your arms like you didn’t rip out my heart and stomp on it?”
“No. God, Max… that’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“Max, I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the day I met you.
You’re in every thought I have, every time I close my eyes.
Fuck, I can’t even go two seconds without finding some of your goddamned hair woven into my underwear or stuck in my ass crack.
I don’t even know how you managed that.” He tucked my hair behind my ear and held my face in his hands.
“I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I can’t promise I’m not going to fuck it up.
I can’t promise I’m not going to get scared and run away again, or that I’m not going to have another stupid PTSD attack and hurt you.
That’s just what I do… It’s who I am. It’s what I’ve done for the past decade.
That’s why I can’t see how I’m good for you.
If you can have a happy life with someone who loves you without the risk of an asshole like me making you question yourself… I want you to take it.”
He didn’t let go of my face. Just waited.
Hearing him say all the things I’d wanted him to was supposed to make everything better.
It didn’t.
I had a really big problem that kept me from leaping into his arms. My stomach flipped. I had to tell him about Hunter. I knew exactly where Graham stood when it came to my magically induced hook-ups. And frankly, that was exactly where any good person should stand.
Heat pricked my ears, and I had to look to the doorway to keep from telling him.
Because if I told him, he’d be furious. He’d probably take off before I had a chance to explain. But… keeping it from him felt like a lie. And that was one thing I couldn’t do to him.
I fidgeted with my moon necklace, attempting to build up the courage to say it.
Christ, out-with-it Maggie.
“Graham, I—” I clamped my mouth shut.
“What is it?”
What if he never trusted me again?
He took my hands again. They were so small in his. So vulnerable. Safe. Something I didn’t feel with Hunter. Not really, anyway.
Forget it. Just do it.
“I cursed him.” The words fell from my mouth, and all I wanted to do was catch them before he remembered what they meant.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a disappointed sigh. But underneath it was the tiniest inkling of hope.
“He’s really nice… a little possessive, maybe, but you know I like that,” I chuffed.
“I understand. It’s like an addiction.”
“What? God, no!” I backpedaled.
“It is. You slipped. It’s okay, Max. We’ll get through it. We’ll break the spell… we’ll go to the aunts, and they can do what they do and—”
“Graham, I’ve tried,” I interrupted. “He’s stuck. Like Jamie. Like the others.”
He straightened, brushing snow off the rail, his gaze never leaving mine.
“You destroyed me,” I said. “You were the first person to love me… really love me… and you didn’t stay.” I shifted my weight. “I’m not trying to condone what I did. Because knowing that I’m taking away his free will… knowing that it isn’t real… that’s a prescription for a lead bullet right there.”
His face went somber. Broken.
“I had to process the shitshow with Portia… the kidnapping… all of it… alone. Then throw in the part about not being good enough for someone I loved with all my heart to stay… yeah, I’ve been living the motherfucking dream, Graham.”
He stared at me, and his eyes caught the pain I bled onto him.
When he finally spoke, his voice cracked.
“Max, I’m sorry. And I’ll say it over and over again until you believe me.
It kills me every day knowing I did that to you.
I can’t forgive myself, and I know I don’t deserve you.
I know that no matter what I say or do, it won’t make it right.
A trust has been broken between us. And I’m not expecting you to take me back. I just want you happy.”
I let the cold air anchor me, but it didn’t work.
“Yeah? And what if my only true happiness was with you?” A single tear burned down my cheek.
“As horrible and manipulative as it is with Hunter… I know he won’t leave.
He can’t. And that’s what I need. I need that kind of commitment, that kind of dedication.
And as much as it hurts me to even admit it…
I don’t think I will ever get that from you.
I’ll always live in fear of you leaving me…
I’ll always question myself… I’ll never believe I’m enough for you. ”
I wrapped my arms around myself, the bitter air feeling oddly like my heart.
“Max…”
“Derek filled me in on how you’ve used almost every woman in this town. I knew. But somehow knowing it was what happened between us made it so much worse. I fell for you. I fucking loved you… and I still do… I probably always will and—”
“You weren’t like the other girls at all—you know that. That last time we were together was a one-time—”
“But I don’t know it, Graham. What happens when you get triggered again?
Are you gonna leave again? Because I don’t care if you use me.
I told you I want to be that release. That place to go…
and I meant it. But… you didn’t. You didn’t choose me.
You fucked me. Chose what was easy. And left.
Would it really have been so hard to let me know you were going to disappear? To say goodbye?”
He closed the distance between us, pressing both his hands to my arms, his gaze locking on mine. It was the kind of look that didn’t just ask for attention—it demanded it.
“I will never say goodbye to you. Never,” he said, voice so low… so serious, it cut through me.
The railing creaked when he placed both hands on it and leaned forward. Graham looked out over the snow-covered yard, head hanging low.
“Today was my first day back. There was a victim that looked just like you and it freaked me out. I had to see you. I had to know that your heart was still beating.”
Tears welled. I tried so hard but I couldn’t hold them back. “Funny… you’ve been holding it since you left.”
He glanced my way, and I felt it like a physical thing. Broken. Sorry. Angry at himself. Shoulders tight, jaw clenched, fingers drumming against the railing. Every bit of him still wounded—and somehow, my heart ached along with him.
I couldn’t stay in it. Not with the way he looked at me. If I stayed there one more second I was going to come apart at the seams, and I’d done that enough already.
I straightened, let out a breath, and wiped the tears from my eyes. “So… you never told me about Derek.”
“What about him?”
“You never told me how nice his dick was.”
Graham short-circuited. “Jesus.” He coughed. “You like ‘em pierced—huh?”
“Never thought I would but… yeah, not bad.”
“Well, I never thought I’d like watching you get fucked by my best friend in a Ghostface mask.”
Covering my mouth, I giggled.
He grabbed my hand, pulled it down, and shook his head. “But that last one…” He blew out a long breath. “The one where he fucked your tits? It was hot.”
“Y-You—You know about that?”
“Oh yeah.” He chuckled, eyes wide with glee. “Who do you think sends you the Super-Vices every night?”
My cheeks flared. “That’s you?! You’re NightShiftGT?! Shut up. You’ve got my number-one subscriber spot.” I cackled. “And the random drops into my Venmo?”
“What can I say? When I see something, I like… I claim it.” He let that sit while a rakish grin spread across his face, his eyes lingering a little too long on all the parts of me I wanted him to remember.
“So… you and Katie, huh?” His brow twitched.
“When I left, I didn’t expect to learn how my friends fucked my girl. ”
My girl? Dammit, don’t do this to me. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be—you ass.”
He flashed his fanged smile and wiggled his brows at me. I nearly forgot how to breathe. I placed my hand next to his on the railing, our pinkies barely touching.
“I’ve missed this.”
“Me too.” He smiled softly at me.