Chapter 13
thirteen
MERRILY
When we stopped for food, Grayson glanced at me while he was ordering, and I told him what I wanted.
We ended up having to park and wait while they finished cooking something. The car was quiet. Uncomfortably so, and after my chat with Callum and Kat, I unfortunately did know what I needed to break the silence with.
I cleared my throat, peering out the front windshield as if there was something fascinating out there, just so I didn't have to make eye contact with him. "We should talk about your true form."
"That's unnecessary."
"No, it's not."
"Demons in mixed-species matings don't shift into their true forms."
"I don't think that's true."
"It is."
"A demon only experiences real pleasure in their true form, Grayson. It's well-known that you usually mate with each other for that reason."
"Are you trying to convince me that I didn't feel real pleasure when I fucked you?"
It was common knowledge that demons were trained as children to remain in their human forms, but when they were lost in passion, they were inclined to shift.
Their demon forms had horns, claws, and tails.
For the men, their cocks also had swells called a knot at the base.
The knots would physically lock them together with their partner after an orgasm.
"I'm saying that I know you would've enjoyed it even more if you'd knotted me," I stated.
"I'm not going to knot you, so it doesn't matter," he said just as bluntly.
"I think we need to have a conversation about it before you decide something like that. Did you knot Jasmine when you fucked her?"
Grayson's entire body stiffened. "We're not talking about past partners."
"No. We're talking about us being mated, and you not being able to fully enjoy the sex."
"I enjoy it plenty."
"Did you knot the female demons you slept with before we were together?" I pressed.
"You know I'm not going to answer that question."
"I also know that your lack of an answer is an answer itself."
Someone came out with our food. He hit them with a grin that was all feral charm as he thanked them, then rolled the window back up before pulling away from the restaurant.
"Being mates means making decisions together, Grayson. If you're not willing to have a discussion about it, I don’t know how we’re supposed to keep this thing between us going.”
"I'm allowed to have boundaries." His voice was low.
"So am I. You keep bulldozing mine, so I don't see why I can't do the same to yours."
"I let you leave the apartment.”
"You showed up at Dare's house in the middle of the night because you couldn't accept that I'd walked away."
"You're mine, and I told you I was going to track you down."
"Well you're mine too," I shot back. "And I want to genuinely talk about this."
He didn't have an argument for that.
"Why don't you want to consider it?" I asked.
"It's dangerous." He had to grit the words out. "Some men do it with non-demons, but there's a chance you end up trapped inside the other person while they're screaming in awful pain. It's not worth the risk to me.”
I blinked. "Would it feel good for me, if it didn't hurt?"
"I don't know. I've never asked, and you know I never brought it into our dreams."
"But most demons do it?"
"Yeah. Most of our women want to be knotted, and most of our men want to knot their partner."
"What are the odds of it hurting me?"
"I don't know that, either."
Damn.
"I don't think fate would pair us if we weren't compatible in that way. If my death magic can't drain you and Callum's pain magic can give Kat pleasure, it wouldn't make sense for your true form to cause me pain."
"Magic doesn't always make sense, Mer."
"No, but I would think you'd let me make this decision, considering I'm the one at risk."
"You don't get to decide whether or not I hurt you. It's not happening. There's nothing to talk about."
"You can't just refuse to discuss something."
"You're not comfortable with trying bondage stuff. I'm not comfortable with trying to knot you. We all have our things."
"Those are not the same. I don't find bondage sexy after being held prisoner for years, and you said you can take it or leave it. This is different. You literally can't experience the height of your pleasure without knotting."
"I'm not willing to try it or discuss it.”
"Fine." I looked out the window, clenching my jaw. It took a lot of effort to ignore the tangled emotions leaking from his mind into mine through the permanent mate bond we now shared.
Maybe sealing it was a mistake after all.
We drove the rest of the way in silence.
We ate in silence, too, when we got back.
It was getting late by the time we were done. Grayson headed out to deal with some work stuff, and he looked exhausted enough that I didn't think he was just trying to run away from me.
I attempted to focus on my own work for a few minutes, sitting in the seat I'd claimed on the couch, but pretty much failed.
So, I sent Darius another text. I knew there was a chance he was with someone, but he'd get back to me fast if he wasn't.
Me
As my most risqué friend, what are your thoughts about an immortal who isn't a demon being knotted by one?
Theoretically, of course
This has nothing to do with any part of my life, obviously
Darius
Obviously
It's a tough question, tbh
Me
That's not helpful
Dare
Haha
In most circles, it's a no go, full-stop situation
You've probably killed a couple men who tried it without a woman's permission, on purpose or accidentally
I considered it.
Actually... I had.
Definitely had.
Dare
In a certain circle, it's a kinky experience that most people have tried and enjoyed
Me
Am I allowed to ask if you're one of those people?
Dare
Yes
Only because I'm not
I run in the circles, but I do the fucking, not the being fucked
TMI?
Me
No
I've been screwing an incubus for a century
Dare
Yeahhh
He wants to try it?
I didn't see that coming
Me
God, no
He basically threatened to leave me if I asked him to knot me
He says he doesn't want to risk hurting me
Dare
In all fairness, you did hide the nature of your connection from him for a hundred years
If you tried knotting and it went badly, he probably thinks you might run, so it's more than just a risk of pain for him, but still a big risk on that front too
You want to try it?
Me
I want the sex between us to be the best sex of his life, and I think knotting would be a part of that, so I want to try
Does that sound insecure?
I just don't want there to be a possibility of him wishing he'd mated with Jasmine
Dare
Not insecure
Seems safe to say everyone wants their mate to be the best sex of their life
When was he with her?
Me
They were engaged before I bargained with him, but I guess it was just a political thing
She's legitimately the most beautiful woman I've ever seen
Dare
She's okay
I'm partial to ghostly assassins rn though
Me
You and Rae did seem to get along pretty well
Dare
I think she likes me
And I don't think she likes many people
Me
She said she doesn't
Dare
I get why you at least want to try it
I would want the same thing
If you did it, there would be a risk it could fucking hurt
Considering he's the strongest demon in the city if you don't count Rae, he's probably got a massive knot
Me
Right
But we're fated, so I could probably handle him
You can end this conversation at any point if you feel uncomfortable FYI, no feelings would be hurt
Dare
So can you
I've yet to find any conversation in my life TMI so we're fine
Me
K
Dare
Idk if being fated means anything as far as knotting goes
Some fated couples don't like each other, we all know that. It's rare, but it happens. If fate could fuck that up, it could fuck up with physical compatibility too
Me
I guess
Is there any way to test run it without just being all in?
Dare
Edging, maybe?
Knot doesn't inflate fully until they get off but it swells before
Me
Hmm
Dare
From what I’ve gathered, the decent guys are usually good at taking things slow to test it out, but I doubt Darke has experience with that if he's only knotted demons
If I were you, I'd probably start with asking him to fuck you in that form and pull out
Me
Can't do that if he won't even talk to me about it
He shut it down really fast
Dare
Eh, I understand his perspective too
You probably wouldn't want to fuck him in your demon form if you knew there was a chance he'd be in horrible pain
When knotting goes badly, it goes very badly
Me
But it doesn't usually go badly, right?
Dare
Nah, not usually
Me
Is there a percentage of how often it does?
Dare
Idk
Want me to ask around?
Me
No, it would be obvious why you were asking
Dare
Yeah
I'd say maybe 70ish percent of the time I’ve heard about it at a club, it goes fine?
30 percent badly, but those people go to the hospital
Most pairs sign a waiver before they go through with it so no one goes to the prison for it
My eyes widened.
Me
They sign a waiver just to have sex?
The HOSPITAL, hospital?
Dare
Yup
Lmk if you decide to try it so I can try to stop Callum and Liv from killing him if it doesn't go well
Me
Holy fuck
I didn't realize it was that bad
Dare
Sorry, should've made that clearer
If it goes badly, it goes VERY badly
Someone wants to bargain with me, I've gotta go
LMK if you have more questions
Me
I think I'm good, but thanks
Have fun!
He sent me a skull emoji.
I looked up from my phone and focused on the dark TV hanging on the wall in front of me. My eyes were still wide. My heartbeat had picked up a little too.
Maybe Grayson was justified in turning me down.
I was going to have to change my approach.