Chapter 7
seven
LIV
My relative ability to cope with my magic's shittery evaporated within twelve hours of Niall and Larson leaving, three days later.
Darius had left a few minutes behind them, after asking if I wanted him to stay, questioning my insistence that I was fine, and finally being pushed out the door.
None of us had brought up that night again, after Niall did the thing.
Things had been easier, though.
More like before.
Niall and I felt like friends again, and he was the one who worked out with me for the most part while Larson and Darius played video games. Even at 1 AM.
Since they were gone, my house felt sad and empty. My mind kept going back to the life Niall and I had shared, before.
And the conversation I had with him after Jonah told me he and Gwen were going to give a relationship another try. The one where he told me to think about whether he would actually risk losing both me and Larson.
Jonah texted me to ask if I wanted to go for a run that afternoon, when I was spiraling on my spin bike.
After a particularly brutal panic attack that revolved around possibly losing my fated mate, I agreed.
Niall had never experienced my energy feeling like a boost, so there was still a damn good chance Jonah and I were fated.
It was a good thing Merrily, Kat, and I had planned a girls' night that evening, because I couldn't handle a night alone or at a club.
Girls' Night was basically just the code Merrily and I used for talking about strong emotions so Callum and Darius would know that was what we were doing. Dare rarely showed up to those, but he needed the warning.
When I got to the orchard, I tried to hand Jonah one of my earbuds, but he didn't take it.
He started a conversation, instead.
"Your ex seems interesting," he said.
Geez.
Niall was the very last thing I wanted to talk about. Particularly with Jonah.
"Niall is his own person," I agreed. "How's it going with Gwen?"
"We're taking it slow," he said, trying to play it cool and failing with flying colors.
"You guys totally hooked up."
He was clearly trying to fight a grin. "Maybe."
"And?"
"I missed her," he admitted.
I knew the feeling.
Knew it far too well.
Too well to even picture killing her for it.
We hadn't talked like this since he became the Beta, so I continued the conversation.
"Is the engagement back on?"
"Kind of. Not completely, but it's not off the table. We're testing the waters. Trying to see if we can be fully comfortable together. All of the shit with Simon was hard on her, and I'm still trying to move past everything that happened between us."
"You seem happy," I said.
"Did you and Niall..."
"Oh, hell no. It would take more than a few days of conversation for him to get me back in his bed."
Maybe.
Probably, at the very least.
Even if that was arguably my favorite place to be, and he had technically been in mine again already. Ours, because I'd never replaced the mattress.
My house reminded me of Niall more now that he'd been back inside it, acting like his normal self. Five years' worth of living together came with a lot of memories.
"What happened between you two?" Jonah wondered.
"It's a complicated story."
"We've got at least a few more miles."
I sighed. "Basically, he had a choice to make between me and his brother, and he chose his brother."
"Damn. What was the choice?"
I bit my cheek for a moment, hesitating, but decided it couldn't hurt to tell him the story.
It wasn't like it needed to be a secret.
"Larson made a mistake and tied a spell to his own energy. He didn't think it would be a big deal. Niall called me in a panic and asked me to power the spell. Of course I agreed."
Jonah glanced over at me.
I didn't meet his gaze. Didn't look at him at all.
"I told him he would have to kill Lars to save me if the spell was fucked up badly enough to take all of my magic.
I felt the end of my power, and I looked at him, and made the motion.
He didn't kill Larson. He made a judgment call, and he was right, but I thought I was gone. I could've been gone."
"Damn."
"I know it seems unfair to hold it against him when the decision was so brutal."
"I don't think so. Do you hate him for it?"
"No. I just don't trust him with my life anymore."
"Then you're not really holding it against him. You just had to move on."
The words felt... right.
"Of course, I thought I had to move on from Gwen, so what do I know?" Jonah looked sheepish, and cleared his throat. "If it had been Callum who started the spell and Niall who was powering it, what would you have done?"
A small, sad smile curved my lips, with zero humor behind it. "I would've killed Callum in a heartbeat."
"How did he make the call?"
"He says he could feel that my magic was still there."
"Well, the buzz of your magic is pretty hard to miss."
"I felt the spell reach the end of it before I passed out," I said.
"You probably feel your power differently than other people do, since it's always overwhelming for you."
That was... actually a good point. One I hadn't considered. Niall and I had never really talked about what my magic felt like to him until he did the thing for me after Jonah told me he was going to try things with Gwen again.
Niall had never seemed to care about my magic, other than helping me keep it from overwhelming me. Our relationship had been about us, not my power or his shifting. I hadn't planned on falling for him, or moving in with him, or anything else. It just… happened.
We'd fucked the night we met, and when he came to my house, I didn't want him to leave. So he didn't. Not for long, anyway.
"Are you taking Niall's side?" I asked, mostly to change the subject.
"No. The situation changed the way you felt about him. I get it. That doesn't mean it was that simple for him."
I didn't particularly care if Jonah got it or not, to be honest.
Was that bad?
Probably.
Especially if we were fated mates.
But I hadn't missed the way he described my magic. As a buzz. Which I had definitely heard it described as before.
Maybe Niall was right. That the energizing thing was just another way my magic hit people.
Or maybe because Jonah and I were fated, he only felt it differently when my magic actively tried to hurt him. Callum's ice magic still affected Kat, she just liked the chill of it.
Who the fuck knew?
Not me. Obviously.
I felt less sure of everything by the moment. Other than how badly I missed Niall. That never seemed to change.
"You probably don't want to talk about this," Jonah said. "And I don't either..."
Dear lord, please let him not be bringing up the times we'd had terrible sex.
"But the villa is in a shit ton of debt because of Simon. We owe the monsters a lot of money. We've been working on a plan to get on top of it for months, but we're at a loss. If you have any ideas, or want to make a bargain..."
I frowned. "You owe the monsters money?"
"Unfortunately. I don't think we have any way to get out if it on our own, other than bankruptcy. We haven't been able to afford the minimum payments for over a year."
The monsters were fucking loaded.
"Wow. I'll... think about a bargain. Do you need an answer now?"
"Of course not. I didn't want to ask you, because I don't want you to feel pressured into it," he explained, and I could've laughed.
Or cried.
I was their only option, as far as bargains went from a fae who could afford it. There was no world in which Callum would pay off Simon's debt, even if Gwen asked nicely. Kat did well, but she gave the majority of the money she made to the people who worked for her.
Merrily mainly made bargains to help women by killing their abusers, without asking for anything in exchange. People all over Rumor whispered about it. Particularly in the Shadow District.
She bargained for political reasons too, sometimes, but she wouldn't make a deal that she genuinely expected someone to pay back. Callum was the only one of us who did that.
Darius bargained with literally anyone, but he was only interested in tiny, ridiculous bargains for the sake of discovering whether or not someone was his soulmate.
"Any more bombs to drop before we start the audiobook?" I asked, still holding the earbuds.
He considered it.
I rolled my eyes, and he grinned. "That's all I've got. What about you?"
You might be my fated mate.
"Nothing. Except that I still kind of feel like you're on Niall's side." I eyed him like I was irritated.
I was, but that wasn't abnormal for me. He might even think I was joking about it.
He chuckled. "I don't think there's a right side to be on. Shit went down, and you both lost something you couldn't get back."
That was the best description of the night that I'd ever heard.
"He hardly took his eyes off you, so I don't think he's moved on," Jonah added.
"He hasn't," I admitted. He'd made that clear during the days he'd spent at my house.
"You talk about it like it's an open wound. Have you really moved on?"
Our couch was still in my living room.
Our mattress was still my bed.
A few of his paintings were still sitting in the corner of his studio in my house, because even in my rage, I didn't have it in me to destroy them.
Or worse: return them to him and put our relationship to rest for good.
"I should never have let him into my life," I said quietly.
"When you let someone in, parts of them never leave."
The words struck me. Hard.
"That's deep for you, Jonah," I said sarcastically, trying to lighten the conversation again.
He chuckled.
"I can't talk about this anymore. We're listening to the audiobook," I decided.
I didn't hear more than a few words when I hit play, though.
Because he was right.
When you let someone in, parts of them never leave.
And I'd never been willing to let go of the ones Niall left me with.