Chapter 20
twenty
DARIUS
Rae was quiet the next afternoon, when we woke up together.
I didn't think anything of it at first, assuming she was just tired.
When she didn't come around during our afternoon breakfast, I was forced to acknowledge that something might be wrong.
"Are you okay?" I asked, as she sat in bed and ate the pancakes I'd ordered. I'd never seen her eat anything that slowly before.
"I'm good." She met my eyes, but her expression was distant.
I hoped she just needed time to adjust to the bond, so I didn't ask her again while we packed her things in the hotel room.
Or when we drove to the house we were moving into on Fae Row.
Or when I gave her the grand tour.
Or when she insisted on helping me carry boxes in, no matter how hard I tried to convince her otherwise.
She didn't talk much when I ordered takeout food, or when we dropped onto the couch in the living room that she seemed to really like.
She snuggled up close, though.
"Want to play a video game?" I used the question to scope out how well she was actually doing. She was pretty much always up for a video game.
"I'd rather not."
Shit.
"What's going on, Rae? You seem upset. Is it about the bond?"
"No. It has nothing to do with the bond. I'm just... thinking." She slipped off my lap.
Fuck.
Shouldn't have brought it up.
"Thinking what?"
"I think I need to be alone for a little while. You're okay with my shadows, right?"
Most of them were clinging to me, now. It was impossible not to notice. I felt genuinely good all the time. Light. Energetic. Upbeat.
It was fucking weird—in a good way. The best way.
She didn't seem to be leaving her shadows with me on purpose, but she also didn't seem affected by the loss.
"I'm fine. Whatever it is, we can talk about it," I said.
"I... no. Sorry. I can't." She moved quickly, disappearing in the direction of our bedroom.
She hadn't protested against moving into the same room together, but maybe that was bugging her?
I drummed my fingers on my knee, raking my mind to figure out the best way to talk to her.
A lightbulb went off, and I grabbed my phone.
Me
I know you don't want to talk, but we could text if you’re up for it
She didn't answer immediately.
Enough time passed that I wondered if she had her phone at all.
But a message finally came through.
Rae
I don't know what to say
Me
Neither do I
Rae
We both suck at relationships
Me
But we're figuring it out
What are you feeling? My family says I need to stop ignoring emotions.
Rae
Idk
A lot of changes happened
I'm just overwhelmed with trying to figure out what I want to do
Me
What you want to do about what? The bond?
Rae
No
The bond is fine
I just need to do something about my past
Me
What about it?
Rae
I had a life before. A name. A family. I've never really come to terms with what happened.
I pushed my old identity out of my mind and pretended it never existed. It's harder to do that now. I look too much like my mom.
Me
Do you want to look like her?
Rae
Not sure
She wasn't perfect, but she loved me, and she did her best
She died trying to get me out of the cellar, so maybe I do want to look like her. If I was going to sacrifice myself, doing it to protect my kid from my crazed mate would be the way to go
Me
I would never let myself get to that point
My family wouldn't, either
Rae
I know
Other than the gray hair, I look just like her. As it grows in dark, the resemblance will grow. I think I want that resemblance.
Me
If it would help, you could dye it
Rae
I guess
Idk
There's more to figure out than just the hair
Me
Like what?
Rae
My parents were a big part of the group that overthrew Grayson's family. I never told him. I thought he'd kill me for it at first. Then I was scared that I'd lose him and really be alone, after I realized he wouldn't kill me.
Me
Ah
Rae
Yeah
I'm not sure what to do
Me
Do you want advice?
Rae
No
Me
We could cuddle
Rae
Your love of cuddling is becoming problematic for me
Me
Didn't seem problematic last night
I felt her amusement through the bond, and my lips curved a little.
Rae
Of course it was problematic. You were insatiable.
Me
You say that like I'm the only one
Rae
It's problematic for both of us
Me
I don't think it's a problem for a mated pair to be addicted to each other's touch
Rae
We could have worse problems
Me
Definitely
Rae
Would you still like me if I looked like someone who overthrew good people?
Me
Your family isn't your fault
Would you still like me if I looked like mine, after what they did to me?
Rae
Obviously
Me
Exactly
What was your name before?
Dots appeared as she typed something, but the message never came through.
Me
It doesn't change anything
Rae
Maybe it does
Me
Do you want to go back to being who you were before?
Rae
I don't know
I don't know how to be her any more than I know how to be me
Me
You're doing better than you think
Rae
It doesn't feel like it
Me
Feelings are unreliable
That's why I usually ignore them
Rae
Unreliable, but still significant
Me
I guess sometimes
Rae
My name was Raven
Raven Levine
My mom never called me Rae. She didn't like nicknames. But when someone said I was a Wraith when I was a teenager, it seemed like an easy way to still sort of go by my name.
Me
You'd make a sexy Raven
Would it feel weird for you to have people start calling you by your full name?
Rae
I don't know that either
The only people I really associate with are you, your family, and Grayson, so it wouldn't be that much of an adjustment for me, but idk about everyone else
The rest of the city will probably stick with my full name when who I really am comes out
Me
We would be fine with the change if it was what you wanted
Rae
I guess
Don't tell anyone yet, though
Me
I wouldn't break your trust like that
I do have to confess that I asked my family for advice about the sex thing, though
Rae
I figured you told them everything
You guys keep each other alive
Me
We used to
Now the circle's big enough that our mates do that
Rae
I still think you'd be better off with someone else
Me
Say that again and I'll pin you to the bed and go down on you until you're begging for my cock
Rae
You're full of empty threats, Scorch
Me
You can be full of my empty threats if you want a distraction
Rae
God, yes
I ditched my phone, striding into the bedroom and finding my mate draped across the bed. It took me all of a few seconds to get to her side, tear her shorts off, and go down on her until she demanded my cock.
We climaxed together, and she pulled me close before I could let go of her. My arms wrapped tightly around her back, and she let out a shaky breath.
"Don't pull out. Don't leave, either," she whispered.
"I won't." My lips brushed her temple. "Whoever you are and whatever you decide, I love you."
"Don't say that."
"It's true. Rae. Raven. Shadow." I pulled her closer, burying my cock a little deeper inside her. "You're still the same snarky little assassin who stole my Chinese food and had to be convinced to try a corn dog."
She laughed. The sound was slightly watery. "I guess I am."
"You are. Where you came from and what you call yourself doesn't change that. Neither does the color of your skin, eyes, or hair. You're gorgeous, you're fun, and you're wickedly smart, baby. I love you. You'll figure this out. If you want help, I'm right here."
"You're going to give me the biggest head." She dashed tears away with the base of her palm.
"Good. You should have a big head. You're really fucking cool, and you're mated to the sexiest man in the city. Do you know how many times I won that award? I think I'm at ninety-nine. Callum fucking bribed someone one year."
She sputtered a laugh, elbowing me lightly in the side. "Shut up, Dare."
"You love me too, even if you're not ready to admit it." I caught her hand, lifting it to my lips and kissing her knuckles. "There's no rush. We've got nothing but time."
"You're being way too nice to me."
"I'm just getting started."
She sighed, tipping her head back and kissing me lightly before pulling away. "I'll decide what to do tomorrow."
"There's no rush."
She made a noncommittal sound, but fell asleep quickly. With her in my arms, I dozed off too.