Chapter 30
thirty
. . .
Eden
Felix calls my name, and my eyes flutter open.
My whole body aches when I sit up. Maybe losing my virginity and then spending hours on a snowmobile wasn’t the right call. I refuse to tell Felix, though.
He wanted to turn around so many times when we were out on the trail. But being out there was the freest and most alive I’ve felt in so long. I didn’t want it to end.
The world outside the window is shadowed by the afternoon sun. Snow dusts the trees, and the sky is that heavy winter color that always feels like it may start snowing again at any moment.
I turn to Felix when I realize we aren’t moving. He’s watching me.
Is he waiting for something?
“Where are we?”
I glance out the windshield and freeze. My stomach drops when I recognize the road.
No. No. No.
The guardrail on the bridge is still badly bent with caution pylons and a yellow flashing light to warn drivers.
A reminder of what happened here. The snow-dusted trees I’ve just been admiring are missing bark and charred.
Crosses and flowers line both sides of the road.
Tears sting my eyes. I try to breathe, but all I can smell is smoke from the car fires.
I grip my hoodie, trying to calm my racing heart.
“Felix…”
The inside of the car feels too small. I grab the door handle.
I can’t—I can’t be here.
Felix reaches over and cups my cheek, brushing my skin with his thumb.
“Eden. It’s okay. I’m right here.”
I shake my head.
“What are we doing? Why are we here?”
He looks out the windshield.
“I avoided my mum’s room for a long time.
She died there, and if I didn’t go in, I could pretend it wasn’t real.
” Felix’s fingers slip through mine. “I’m not trying to hurt you.
” His eyes search my face. “But avoiding reality isn’t healthy.
Your parents died here, and a part of you did too.
When you are home, you can pretend that they are just away, but here you can’t.
Here you can face what happened and say goodbye. ”
My throat closes, and I shake my head.
“Felix, this is too much. I’m not ready,” I growl, glaring at him as tears flow. “You should’ve asked me if I was ready for this, not just brought me here when I was asleep.”
I yank my hand away and cross my arms. I can’t face him, but no matter where I look, there are reminders of what happened here—of what I lost.
No more birthdays, holidays, favorite songs, and unfinished grocery lists. No more tomorrows.
“Eden, I know you’re upset with me, and you’re right, I overstepped again.
But take a closer look. People who are hurting just like you come here to say goodbye and let the spirits of their loved ones rest. You won’t ever forget your parents, but maybe saying what you need to here…
yelling at the road, swearing at the snow, shouting at the air, God, or whoever you’re mad at, can be healing. ”
My lower lip trembles when I glance out the window again, and a cross with sunflowers on it catches my eye.
“I don’t know if I can.”
“I’m sorry that you feel rushed, but I have something for you. This is the only place I can think of that makes sense to give it to you.”
My eyes drift to his face.
“What do you want to give me?”
He shakes his head.
“I have to give it to you out there. I promise that I will be right there with you the whole time. We can do this together because I need to let go of my past too. My mother, my brother, and even on some level, my father.”
His expression falls, and I reach for his hand. I keep forgetting that he lost people here too.
“Okay, I’ll do it.”
Felix nods and opens his door.
Can I really do this?
The cold wind stings, and I quickly zip up my jacket after closing the car door. Felix takes my hand, and we walk along the shoulder to the bridge. Snow crunches under my boots as the odd car drives by.
“This is where I found you,” Felix says, and my hand tightens on his.
The screeching tires, crunching metal, and breaking glass come back to me in a rush. I can smell the smoke in my nose and see the dead woman outside my door. I see my father pierced to his seat and my mother hanging limply against her seatbelt.
We came so close to going over the edge and crashing into the icy water below. Then we all would’ve died.
I can’t decide which is worse, losing my parents or dying with them. But when Felix wraps his arm around my waist, I have my answer.
I don’t think anything will come to me, but when I open my mouth, the words start to flow.
“I am so angry,” I fume. “You promised that you’d be here for all my firsts and every stupid milestone.
Instead, you left me with an empty house, insurance paperwork, and memories that feel hollow without you here.
My nineteenth birthday. You missed my birthday, and Christmas, and…
” Trembling, I suck in another lung full of air.
“I get up, look in the mirror, and I want to scream at my reflection because I don’t know if I deserve to be here without you. Why did I live, huh? Why do I get to live and you two don’t?”
No answer comes on the harsh wind. I see my parents in my mind, their faces solemn but offering no words of wisdom.
“It hurts…every day I wake up, and I remember all over again that you’re gone.
My heart is crushed every morning and then aches all day without reprieve.
I relive those final moments, and can barely breathe as the guilt of making you go with me that day, presses on my chest. God, I miss you.
I miss you, and I hate you for leaving me, but I love you so much. ”
That’s all I can take. I break down and sob while Felix holds me, letting me fall apart in the safety of his arms. When the tears finally slow, I pull back. Felix wipes my face and places a chaste kiss on my lips.
“I know you don’t understand, Pretty Thing, but you needed to come here. I have to shatter you completely so that I can be the one to glue you back together.”
My brow furrows at his words.
“Felix…I don’t understand why you have to hurt me just to prove that you care. You’ve lost people too, but I feel like I’m the only one bleeding.”
“No. No, you’re not.”
Felix reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out something wrapped in tissue. His eyes flick to mine as he unwraps it. Nestled in his hand is a simple black cord with a pendant that only confuses me.
“This glass shard was pulled out of my hand at the hospital.”
He lifts it so I can see, and the fading light shines through. It’s stained red but glitters like a diamond.
“It’s from the window I smashed to pull you out.”
His expression softens.
“Look at it. It’s a piece of the night that stripped you bare.
We are standing on the edge of the road that is now a graveyard, surrounded by ghosts of our past. But this is also where you became mine.
This is where our story started. It’s a dark tragedy made beautiful, and this horrific moment is now preserved in glass for all time. ”
My mouth runs dry as my heart races. He sounds crazy, but there is something so beautiful about his version of events.
He holds the necklace out, and I find myself lowering my head.
Felix slips the leather around my neck and the pendant settles on my chest. I roll it between my fingers, unsure what to say.
“You don’t need to look back at the crash anymore, because I am hanging the birthplace of us around your neck. We share a dark and twisted fate. I am yours, and you are mine.”
Everything stops. I don’t feel the wind, hear my heart, or even see anything other than Felix.
“This is why I brought you here. Closure and a new beginning.” My eyes sting. “You can hate me for it, but I don’t want you to remember this place for what it took.”
He’s wrapped our past and present, our pain and joy, together with a shiny bow. That may scare some people. But not me. Instead, some sick or maybe sad part of me rejoices. I throw my arms around him and bury my face in his chest as he holds me.
Maybe this is just another stage of grief. Learning to carry what’s broken until it becomes part of you like any other accessory.
Eventually we get back in the car, neither of us saying another word as the heater hums.
My fingers stay wrapped around the necklace as I try to process my emotions. Unstable seems accurate. I feel like a house of cards continuously blowing over just when I get the last one in place.
After a while, Felix glances at me.
“I’m not taking you home tonight.”
I look at him, but his expression stays easy.
“We’re both tired and emotional, and my place is closer.” He lifts a shoulder and lets it drop. “I’ll take you tomorrow.”
So…I just nod.
“Okay.”
Felix reaches over and takes my hand, but it’s me that squeezes him tight.