Chapter 36
thirty-six
. . .
Eden
First day on the new job. It’s not my dream, but it does feel great to be useful and have a reason to get up.
Watching Felix with clients is like watching a curator describe art in a gallery.
He’s so passionate about his work and making sure that the client is happy.
I have to admit that even though my arm only has an outline so far, it’s incredibly beautiful.
Once I get over the itching, I’ll think about him filling it.
He was right—again—it did feel therapeutic in a way I wasn’t expecting.
“I’m going to grab us all lunch,” Felix says after his client is gone.
“You’re splurging? What’s the occasion?” Matt teases.
“Our newest employee, of course. I have to make her want to stay,” Felix says with a smile, making me blush.
“Hey, as long as I get to reap the benefits, I won’t complain.” Matt leans on the counter, groaning when he takes a bite of one of the brownies that Felix has sitting out today. “Fuck, these are good.”
Felix smiles. He can open a bakery if he decides not to tattoo because the German chocolate brownies he made last night are out of this world and totally addictive.
“I’m thinking Chinese. What do you two want?”
“I can come with you,” I offer.
“Nope, just text me what you want. Matt can finish showing you the POS system while I’m gone.”
Matt salutes. “I’m on it.”
I watch Felix leave and don’t notice that I’m smiling until Matt clears his throat.
“Sorry, did you say something?”
“Don’t apologize. I’m fucking ecstatic that Felix found you. He’s been so…lonely and closed off for a really long time. It’s great to see him so happy. I mean both of you so happy. I know you’ve been through a lot as well.”
“Tell me more about Felix. He doesn’t really say much about his past?”
“As long as you don’t tell him I told you anything. Felix is funny about stuff like that. He’s private.”
I nod and settle in as Matt walks around the reception counter and pulls up a stool.
“I know about his father already. He told me how he ended up in jail.”
“Did he tell you that he had to testify against him?” I shake my head.
I can’t imagine a child having to do that.
“I didn’t know Felix then, but I know it really took a toll.
It was his father for fuck’s sake. Travis is…
that guy is a piece of work. Did he tell you about the time his father locked him in a pantry for weeks? Who the fuck does that to someone?”
“Oh my god, how did he survive?”
Matt shrugs. “He says he ate some fruit cups, and there was a stale box of crackers. At one point, his father opened the door and tossed him a water bottle. Then he locked it again. The next time he opened the door, he saw that Felix had peed himself. Travis knocked him around before giving him another water bottle. He told Felix to go in it from now on, or get another beating for ruining good clothes. He used to have nightmares, but he hasn’t mentioned them in awhile. ”
“Why…why do something like that? It’s horrific.”
I’m completely revolted and angry for little Felix.
“He doesn’t know. Travis came home in a rage over something. All Felix can really remember is his mother screaming and things breaking. Another time his father took a belt to his back. Have you seen the scar on his shoulder?”
I nod.
“That’s from the buckle. It sliced him open so deep he needed stitches. That was when he was eight.”
“Jesus.” I cover my mouth. “What about Sam?”
“His brother? Naw, Travis was already locked up by the time Sam was born. Sam kept wanting to see him. He didn’t believe Felix or June—that’s Felix’s mother’s name—about what an SOB Travis was.”
“It must have been really hard for Felix when his mother died and then Sam in the crash only a year later.”
Matt tilts his head as he looks at me.
“Sam didn’t die in the crash.”
I narrow my eyes. “But…that doesn’t make sense.”
“You must have misunderstood. Sam did pass away, but from a drug overdose a month before the crash. Felix took it really hard, didn’t speak for two whole weeks.”
“I’m confused.”
“Sam was partying with some friends and smoking marijuana, but some asshole laced it with fentanyl. Sam didn’t know, and he smoked like half the joint. No one saw him collapse in one of the bedrooms. By the time the paramedics arrived, he was gone. Felix blames himself.”
My mind whirls with the information. Felix lied to me. But why? What reason does he have to lie about his brother dying in the crash? My heart pounds so hard that my chest hurts.
“You, okay? You look a little pale.”
I swallow and nod, shaking it off for now. I need to confront Felix about this.
“Yeah…I just. I swear he told me Sam died in the crash. He’s never mentioned a drug overdose.”
Matt shrugs, looking just as confused. There is no reason for Matt to lie to me.
“What about June, how did she die?”
“Widowmaker heart attack a little over a year ago. That was another sad fucking day. She was a sweet woman. Never had a bad word to say about anyone. She was the closest thing I had to a mother, and…” Matt stops and looks away. “Just another sad fucking day. Seems to be the theme of all our lives.”
His face is the most serious I’ve seen of him.
I think that’s all he’s going to say, and I don’t want to push anymore than I already have, but then he takes a deep breath and continues.
“June was sleeping and didn’t get up for work.
Felix didn’t notice. Neither of us did. By the time Felix got home from work, he found her still in bed.
She just never woke up. We’ve both had a lot of loss, but Felix buries it and tries to move on.
He hates talking about any of it. I guess what I’m saying is…
if he said that about Sam, give him a chance to explain.
I’m sorry if I started shit between you two. ”
“No, it’s not you. How are you supposed to know?”
It’s quiet for a few minutes. I’m at a loss for what to ask next. So I point at the computer.
“We better get to work.”
Matt hesitates like he wants to say something else, but then nods and starts the training. I’m barely able to retain any of the information.
Why did Felix lie?
When Felix gets back with lunch, I act as normal as I can, but my mind races and I can’t eat.
By the end of the day…I’m…I’m not sure what I am. Angry maybe, but more hurt than anything else.
Matt got the hell out of Dodge, and I don’t blame him.
“What’s going on,” Felix asks as I lock the front door. “You haven’t even looked at me since lunch.”
He finishes sanitizing his station, and I know I can’t let this go any longer.
I take a deep breath and prepare myself for the answer.
“I need to know the truth, and Felix…don’t you dare lie to me.”
He sets the cleaning supplies aside and stands up.
“What is it?”
“Did Sam die in the car crash, yes or no?”
He puts his hands in his pockets and looks down. He’s going to say no. He’s going to admit that he lied. I shake my head.
“Felix…why the hell would you lie to me about that?” I hold up the necklace he gave me. “You gave me this to signify everything we lost that day, and it’s all bullshit.”
His head snaps up.
“No, it’s not.”
I cross my arms. “From where I’m standing, it is.”
Anger bubbles inside of me. Has Kris been right all this time? Has Felix been duping me?
“Eden…”
Felix steps forward, but I back away and shake my head. His hands drop, and he sighs.
“Matt told you?”
“Yes, by accident. He had no idea he was telling me your great big lie. So don’t be mad at him. I want the truth right now.”
He walks over to one of the waiting room chairs and sits down.
“I was scared to tell you the truth.”
“What truth? What the hell is the truth?”
His face is the picture of dejection.
“Sam was in the car with me, but not in the way I let you believe.”
I shake my head. “What does that mean?”
“I wasn’t taking Sam’s death very well. He was fifteen and very angry with me. He needed someone to blame for Dad being in prison, then Mum suddenly died, and I became the focus of his anger. We fought a lot. As much as we loved each other, he was very bitter.”
Felix stops and looks up at the ceiling, like it holds the words he can’t seem to find. When his eyes finally meet mine again, there is so much raw emotion it takes my breath away.
“I lived through what Travis did to me, but Sam grew up thinking his dad was misunderstood, a fantasy he concocted in his mind.” Felix crosses his arms. “I finally gave in and took him to the prison to see our father. Travis laughed in his face. He thought it was amusing that Sam was defending him. Travis called Sam a loser and other shit. Sam didn’t handle it well.
I expected it. I know what a piece of shit my father is, but not Sam. ”
He swallows, and his body starts to tremble.
“I saw him spiraling, but he refused to listen to me. He started taking off in the middle of the night. Short of chaining him up, I couldn’t keep him home.
So, when he asked to go to the party three weeks later, I was shocked, but fucking ecstatic that he actually asked.
He seemed ready to…I don’t know…find common ground again.
So, I said yes. Biggest fucking mistake of my life. ”
Felix stands and starts pacing.
“But I should’ve known. I should’ve known that he was susceptible to shit without thinking it through. Some rando offers a blunt, and he just takes it without a second thought? He knew better. I taught him better.”
He hits his chest. The agony he feels over this brother bleeds into every word.
“The fucking joint was laced, and he died, just like that. I get a call that my brother is dead. I was…I am devastated. I blame myself, Eden. I should’ve been paying closer attention.
I should’ve followed him or something to keep him safe.
I was his older brother, the only parent figure in his life, and I let him down. ”
His voice shakes as his eyes find mine.
“So why lie to me?” My voice is soft, and most of the anger has faded. “Why did you think I wouldn’t understand?”
He swallows hard.
“Please don’t think I’m fucked up.”
I tilt my head.
“Felix, I’m pretty sure I’m the walking definition of fucked up right now. Just tell me.”
When he gets close to me this time, I don’t move away. I hate that there are tears in his eyes.
“Sam was in the car…I had his ashes. I was on my way home from Uncle Jim’s place. Sam loved going there, so we spread half of the ashes in the forest. I had the urn in the passenger seat. It tipped over, and I reached for it. That’s when the crash happened.”
He stops and closes his eyes.
“I saw the red brake lights too late. The road was so slick. I swerved to the shoulder where I was rear-ended by another car. That pushed mine into the guy in front of me. The urn flew into the windshield and shattered. It exploded, and the rest of his ashes went everywhere.” Felix stares down at his hands.
“I had his ashes all over me. The last bit of my brother was gone. I’d been taking him with me everywhere since his death, talking to him like he was still here. ”
Felix looks up, and the anguish in his eyes mirrors what I feel, and for the first time since the accident, I actually sense the sorrow in him.
“I’m sorry I lied. At the crash, I was wandering between the cars, completely out of it.
Then I heard you yelling. Your scream for help snapped me out of the daze I was in, and it didn’t exactly seem like the thing to bring up.
By the time we left the hospital, I had no idea how to tell you that it was his ashes that I lost, not his physical body. ”
Felix licks his lips.
“I told you that I needed you as much as you needed me, and I wasn’t lying, Eden. I was so lost. I’ve been trying to hold my life together for so long, but when I’m with you…I’m not alone. I was terrified that if you found out, you’d think I was insane, or worse…you’d no longer want me around.”
He suddenly drops to his knees, arms wrapping around my waist as he hugs me. But it is the soul-crushing sob that has me holding his head to my stomach and letting him cry.
“Shh, it’s okay,” I say as his body jerks.
All I can picture is six-year-old Felix locked in a tiny closet. My heart not only aches for him, but I feel protective. The fact that he was scared to tell me something so personal hurts only because his default is to hide it from the world, but I’m not the world.
My own tears start to fall.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied. I didn’t know how to tell you. I just…I can’t lose you. I am so scared to lose you.”
I lower myself to my knees, and for once, I’m the one reassuring him.
“I don’t think that’s crazy. I can’t even bring myself to go pick up my parents’ urns. I can’t imagine what that was like for you. I hate that you didn’t think you could tell me what you’ve been going through this whole time.”
“I should’ve. It shouldn’t have been Matt, and I’m sorry that this is how you found out.”
Our tears mingle in the joint torment of our pain and loss.
“You’re not going to lose me, but please don’t lie to me.”
Felix nods and buries his head into the side of my neck as he breaks down all over again. I rock him and rub his back like he’s done for me so many times.
“We’re two broken things trying to pretend we still belong in the world. You’re the Pretty Thing…I’m just the tortured thing that found you.”
“Felix…don’t, don’t say that.” I force him to look at me. “I love you.”
“You still love me?”
“Yes, of course I do. One disagreement won’t make me leave you, but we need to be honest with one another from now on.”
He kisses me again, but this time it’s demanding and needy. He pours all his emotion into our connection, and I do the same. Before I know it, we’re naked, staring into each other’s eyes as he hovers over me. When he thrusts into me, I gasp. What we feel is something beyond explanation.
We make love on the cold floor like two people trying to stitch themselves together with skin and grief. And for the first time since the crash…I can’t tell where I end, and Felix begins.