Chapter 40
forty
. . .
Eden
“Thank you for coming,” Kris cries as she hugs me. “I don’t understand this. I just don’t.”
Felix dropped me off two hours ago, and we’ve spent the entire time crying and holding one another while Mr. and Mrs. Newman take turns calling family.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” I say, and pull back.
The tears are still streaming down her cheeks. They haven’t slowed at all since I arrived, not that I’m much better.
“Okay, I love you, Eden.”
“I love you too.”
Opening the door, I step outside. Felix’s car is parked on the road. He gets out when he sees me and jogs over.
Felix gives Kris a nod.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” he says.
Kris just glares at him and crosses her arms.
“Thanks.”
I don’t understand why her anger is directed at Felix, but she’s in pain and looking for anyone to blame today. We don’t linger in the awkward tension.
“You doing okay,” Felix asks as I buckle my seatbelt.
“I am now,” I say, grabbing his hand. “It’s just so sad. The police keep saying that Kyle was a drug dealer, but I don’t believe it.”
Felix pulls away from the curb.
“Why don’t you believe it?”
Seriously? I glare at the side of Felix’s face.
“Why would you ask that?”
He looks at me and shrugs.
“I’m just asking. I didn’t know him well, and sometimes we don’t really know the people we think we do. Some people are good at hiding what they don’t want you to see.”
Felix has a point. How well do I really know Kyle?
Yeah, we grew up together, but we aren’t kids anymore.
I don’t live with them, and we haven’t gone to school together since graduation.
I don’t know how he spends time when he’s not hanging out with me or Kris.
Life has slowly pulled us in different directions.
But selling drugs…I don’t see it.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to upset you,” Felix says.
“I guess it’s possible, but I just can’t bring myself to believe it.”
Felix smiles and squeezes my hand.
“That’s because you’re a good and loyal friend.”
“What are all these bags?”
I point at the backseat, overflowing with shopping bags.
“I didn’t want to go home and sit there all alone. I needed something to do, so I went shopping. They’re new clothes for you.”
“All of that is for me?”
“Yeah. Some stuff I got in a few colors, and other stuff I know will look incredible on you. I um…I even got you an outfit for Kyle’s funeral. I didn’t think you’d feel up to shopping and might want to hang out with Kris again.”
Even with everything horrible going on, Felix is a constant.
The calm in the storm and a guiding light, keeping me from drifting too far off course.
It’s strange that I can still be happy when there has been so much sadness.
Felix makes me feel like we’ll be okay no matter what comes our way, as long as we’re together.
“That is so incredibly sweet.” The words tremble coming out, and I wipe the never-ending tears away. “I can never repay you, Felix. For everything that you’ve done since the accident and…”
“Shh, it’s okay. I know, and you never have to pay me back. I want to do this for you. I love you, and that means your pain is my pain.”
He grips my hand tighter, and I nod.
When we get to the loft, I help Felix carry the bags in, then kick off my shoes. I flop onto the couch and stare at my turtles. A few hours ago, they were the greatest gift in the world.
Felix sits down with me, and it’s quiet for a long time. My mind drifts to so many memories of the people I’ve lost. None of it feels real anymore.
Is there such a thing as too much pain?
So much that you lose the ability to process any more?
“Have you finalized names,” Felix asks, drawing me out of my deep thoughts of death and sadness.
“Yeah, I think so,” I say, shifting around to lean against Felix. His arms wrap around me like it’s second nature. I point. “That’s Joy, and that’s Hope.”
“I thought you were going with band names?”
I cuddle closer.
“Yeah, but…this way I’ll always be reminded that there is happiness and hope in the world despite all the horrible things.”
“That’s perfect,” Felix says, and I close my eyes.
“I’ll put the clothes away tomorrow. I’m too tired to do it now.”
He kisses the top of my head.
“You can leave them there and live out of the bags if you want. You can redecorate. I want you to be comfortable here, Eden. My home is your home.”
I know he means well, but I’m not sure anyplace will ever truly feel the same as the house I grew up in, that was…home. It’s gone now, and there is no getting it back. But a part of my heart will always remain with the ashes.
“Thank you,” I mumble.
Taking a deep breath, I let sleep pull me under.
I don’t know how Felix does it. From the moment my eyes open, all I can think about is the crash and every horrific thing that has happened since that day.
But not Felix.
It doesn’t matter that we only learned of Kyle’s death yesterday. Felix is up, whistling, making breakfast, and heading down to work like it’s just another day. I know they weren’t close. Hell, Kyle didn’t even like Felix, but still. We’re just built different, I guess.
Felix has already moved the bags of clothing into the bedroom and made room for me. His clothes are all pushed to one side now.
I start by dumping everything on the bed. Then I sort jeans and hoodies from T-shirts and dress clothes. I have socks, underwear, and even the right size bra.
Okay, that’s impressive.
“This is way too much,” I whisper.
I pick up item after item, doing a brief tally in my head. There is at least a couple thousand dollars worth here, and that’s not including the new runners, eight-hole Docs, and cute dress shoes.
By the time I’m done, the world doesn’t feel like it’s crushing me anymore…at least, for now. I’ve been that way since I was little. I think it’s called a coping mechanism.
I’ve never shared a closet with anyone. I don’t hate it. It’s nice to see Felix’s clothes coexisting with mine.
It’s time to leave the closet before I start crying again.
But then a low hum catches my attention. I don’t see anything that would make that sound. There aren’t any fans on in the bedroom, and the furnace shut off a bit ago and hasn’t turned on again.
Stepping away from the closet, it’s quieter.
“That’s weird.”
Back in the closet, I can hear it better, but it doesn’t get louder until I move toward Felix’s clothes.
Grabbing his shirts, I move them aside. Nothing unusual pops out at me until I pull all his clothes to the center.
On the far right-hand side is a door with a padlock.
It blends seamlessly into the wall, and without the lock you wouldn’t even know it’s there.
Looking closer, there is a small indentation for fingers, but no actual handle.
That’s strange.
Felix is still downstairs, so the rest of the loft is quiet. I put my ear to the door, and the humming is more intense. It sounds like fans—multiple fans. What the heck kind of room is this?
Does he have a panic room? A secret red room? A torture chamber?
“Eden?”
Shit. I know he says this is my home, but I don’t want to get caught snooping. I jump out of the closet and quickly shove all his clothes over. I’m smoothing my hair when he comes into the room, smiling.
“Hey, I was calling your name, didn’t you hear me?”
“I…um…” I clear my throat and look down. “Sorry, lost in thought.”
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah.”
The word comes out a little too fast. Can he tell I feel guilty?
“I mean as fine as one can be considering the circumstances.” I look up at him. “I heard from Kris. The funeral will be in two days. They don’t know when his body will be released because of the investigation, so I guess it’s more a celebration of life…I don’t know.”
And now I’m sad again. My emotions are dangerous to my health.
“Okay, I’ll make sure Matt can cover for me.”
He steps into the room, walks over, and grips my shoulders. I search his face, but all I see is concern.
“Eden…are you sure you’re okay?”
He glances at the closet but doesn’t seem worried or suspicious.
“I will be. I finished hanging up all the clothes. Thank you again. Um…do you know you have a secret door in your closet?”
Felix doesn’t flinch.
“Yeah, it’s storage. I keep it locked so that if anyone breaks in, they can’t get at my passport and any other important documents. Is that what has you upset?”
Of course, it’s storage. Why do I let my imagination run wild?
“I think Kyle’s murder has me on edge.”
Felix treats me with such kindness and devotion that it only makes me feel stupider. He’s been so sweet and caring, and here I am suspicious of a door.
What is wrong with me?
“I can understand that, but, Eden…”
He suddenly seems uncomfortable.
“What is it?”
“I know Kris is hurting from the loss of her brother. But it worries me that every time you’re with her, you come away questioning me. I never thought you, of all people, would do that to me.”
His face falls, and my heart lurches in my chest.
“I just wish I knew why Kris dislikes me so much and wants to put ideas about me in your head.”
“I don’t know why either. You’re right…I shouldn’t let her get in my head.”
He takes a deep breath and kisses me.
“Eden, what we have is irreplaceable. No one other than us will ever fully understand that we fit because we are shaped by tragedy. The crash bonded us and brought us together when we needed one another the most. How can anyone but us understand that?”
Felix’s words light me up inside. He’s right. No one will ever understand what we have.
“I love you more than you will ever know.”
“I love you too, Felix. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, just know that I will never abandon you. That kind of devotion can scare other people, but I don’t care as long as you aren’t scared.”
I smile against his lips.
“No. No, I’m not,” I say, and take a deep breath. “Do you want help downstairs? I need something to keep busy right now.”
He nods and kisses my forehead.
“Of course, anything you want.”