Chapter 7 #3
“No, it’s not like that,” Ariel quickly assured her.
“See, they have intel on a potential Grimm plot, and I’m trying my best to help, but I honestly don’t know anything useful.
Either he’d been planning it and did not let me know about it, or it’s a plot he’s formed in the year I’ve been here.
Either way, my lack of knowledge has been frustrating for everyone involved. ”
“I see.” Joline faced back toward the lake, resting her chin back on her knees.
Ariel wiped the sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand before hanging her head in defeat.
“I really wanted to be here on time. And I would ask for your number, to make sure this doesn’t happen again, but they don’t want me to have a cell phone yet.
So I can’t even text you if I’m going to be late.
I’m just in a lot of trouble with the agents right now for screwed up shit I did a year ago.
” Ariel didn’t even know why she was defending herself.
She didn’t deserve a friend like Joline.
She didn’t deserve anything good to happen to her.
And she almost said so out loud. The only thing that stopped her from saying it was knowing that the weight of the statement would crush her.
Admitting it out loud would tear her apart.
It would bring forth all the awful things she did, knowing there was no reason for any of it.
Not a good one, anyway. She was Grimm’s stooge.
There was no greater cause. Just her own stupidity.
Joline sniffled a little. “No, I’m sorry too.
I really started liking you, more than a friend, I mean, and maybe that’s too much for both of us right now.
Or you’re just not interested, which is fine.
Friends is probably better, anyway, because I’m a disaster in relationships.
” Joline continued to stare out over the mirrored surface of the smooth lake.
Ariel blinked in the growing darkness. While she was attracted to Joline, she never imagined the porcupine shifter returning those feelings.
“Great relationships are built on great friendships. There’s no reason to rush into anything.
I’m not going anywhere.” Freight seized at Ariel.
What if she just said the wrong thing? “I mean, yes, I’m interested in you, too, but I also don’t want to ruin what we have. I’m a mess.” She laughed darkly.
“I guess that makes two of us. I’ve been doubting myself over everything.
I feel I’m going to make a horrible cadet.
I’m often late to class. I think I’m on the verge of being kicked out over it, but I just lose track of time when studying.
And while I look physically fit, I’m so uncoordinated I nearly knock myself out when sparring with others.
The only thing I thought I knew was my feelings for you, but when you were late…
I assumed that was one other thing I was wrong about. ” Joline hung her head.
Ariel put her arm around Joline’s shoulder, hugging her.
“I think you’d make a wonderful agent. You’ve always seemed very perceptive to me.
And compassionate. The great agents I know are driven.
” She thought about agents Sparks and Stone.
While they were sometimes a thorn in her side, Ariel had to admit they were good at their jobs because they cared.
“You can’t expect things to come easy at first. This is your first year. You’ll get there.”
Joline went rigid under her arm. “This is my second year.”
Oops. Some pep talk she was giving. “Well, it could be worse; you could be an ex-crony for an evil scientist.” Ariel was partly joking, but she also meant it.
Not that she was trying to ignore Joline’s feelings, but she wanted her to know it could be worse.
Hopefully the joke would lighten the mood…
otherwise it would just be another mistake in a long line of them.
“That’s a random thing to say,” Joline muttered before sharply inhaling.
Ariel practically saw the lightbulb flicker on over Joline’s head as she remembered who she was talking to.
“Oh my gosh, you mean… I’m sorry. My problems must seem like nothing compared to that.
” She waved her hand as if brushing her worries aside, or swatting a mosquito.
They were out in droves now that the sun was nearly gone.
Nope. That statement didn’t have the intended effect.
Ariel backpedaled quickly. “I meant it as a joke. If I were a cadet, I’d be practically crapping my pants daily.
I was never good in gym class.” That was mainly because of the amount of time she spent in the hospital as a kid, but she wasn’t about to add that.
“I was just trying to lighten the mood.”
“At the expense of yourself,” Joline pointed out, sounding like a stern older sibling.
“Well, if I can’t laugh at myself, I think I’d be crying right about now.” Ariel decided to change the subject. “I can’t imagine you being a disaster in relationships. What did you mean by that?” Joline was so thoughtful. It didn’t make sense to Ariel.
Joline fidgeted with the hem of the blanket as if buying time to find the right words.
“I don’t experience sexual attraction for long in a relationship.
The romantic attraction is still there, but the other person doesn’t seem to care about that.
” She looked out across the lake as if afraid to gauge Ariel’s reaction.
Ariel shrugged. “Maybe you just haven’t met a person who’s willing to accept that.
I don’t think sex is that big of a deal.
I don’t think it’s the end of the world to not have it.
For me, at least, I think that’s not something that would be a dealbreaker.
I mean, in the future, when I’m in a place in my life to make a relationship work.
” While she really liked Joline, a relationship was the last thing on her mind right now.
Though the thought of snuggling up next to her after a hard day sounded like heaven.
Joline turned to Ariel, taking her in for a moment, her brown eyes glittering in the fading sunlight. “I don’t know.” She bit her lip. “People have said that to me before. But when it happens, it is a big deal.”
Ariel thought about that for a moment. Instead of saying what she thought Joline wanted to hear, she tapped back into her honesty, risking hurting Joline’s feelings in the short-term to prevent more hurt in the future.
“You have a good point. I probably have the best intentions saying that, but maybe I won’t know for sure until we try.
But I’m willing to try if, and when, you are.
” Ariel felt a weight lifting from her shoulders.
Maybe being honest wasn’t so bad. It was scary and freeing at the same time.
“Wow.” Ariel wondered if Joline was being sarcastic, but didn’t note any darkness in her tone. The word sounded sincere.
“Wow, what?” she wondered aloud after Joline didn’t complete the thought. Since she was fumbling through trying to be honest, she wasn’t sure if she shared too much.
“The last few times when I gave my spiel after I realized what was going on for me, people have said some interesting things. Like ‘Maybe your partner was doing something wrong in the bedroom. You haven’t been with me yet. I’ll rock your world.’”
Ariel could hear the hurt lacing the words Joline shared.
When her past partners said those words to her, they wounded her deeply.
“Eww. No wonder you’re not sure if you want to be more than friends or not.
That sounds traumatizing.” Ariel could feel the sticky feeling of ick settling in her gut at the thought of someone saying those things to Joline.
Ariel fought the urge to ask who these people were so she could find them and beat them up.
“Yeah. Microaggressions at their best.”
“I hate to try to defend them, but I think unless people really understand something, it’s hard for them to be in your shoes.”
“I don’t know why people think lack of sexual attraction is something to be fixed.”
Ariel started giggling so hard she snorted.
The stich in her side came back with a vengeance.
She clutched her aching ribs. After she caught her breath, she explained, “Whenever I tell a man I’m gay, they respond with ‘you just haven’t met the right man yet.
’ Unfortunately, I’ve been through similar situations. ”
“And if you didn’t laugh about it, you’d cry?”
Ariel nodded solemnly. “Yeah. Or punch someone in the face.”
Now it was Joline’s turn to fall into fits of giggles. “Oh my gosh. I think I’m laughing so hard because I know you’re serious.”
Ariel joined in with the laughter, wiping tears from her eyes. “Good thing I’m in therapy.” She laughed even harder at that. Damn, did it feel good to laugh again. It seemed like she lived a lifetime without it.
Joline leaned her head against Ariel’s shoulder as Ariel put her arm back around her. “While you missed most of the sunset, we can stargaze instead. It’s a clear night.”
“Don’t you have homework or reading? I don’t want you getting behind because of me.”
“Not tonight. I read earlier today and plan on reading a little longer tomorrow night.” Ariel remained unconvinced.
She worried that Joline would still get behind.
Sometimes things don’t go as planned. Ariel didn’t want Joline’s grades to suffer.
As if sensing Ariel’s doubt, Joline added, “Don’t worry.
I’m not going to tank my career over a beautiful woman. ”
“As long as we’re clear on that,” Ariel said with a smile.
She’d never been called beautiful before.
“Your career comes first.” A warm feeling spread across Ariel’s chest. It was one she had almost forgotten existed.
She had trouble putting a word to it at first. The light feeling had to have been happiness.