CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
Though Darcy had gone, Lizzy still felt his lips upon her hand. She shivered. There was no manner of touch, large or small, that she did not welcome from him. Her deepest hopes had been answered beyond expectation. Darcy loved her!
"My dear Lizzy, where can you have been walking to?
" was a question which Lizzy received from Jane as soon as she entered their room, and from all the others when they sat down to table.
She had only to say in reply, that they had wandered about, till she was beyond her own knowledge.
She coloured as she spoke; but neither that, nor anything else, awakened a suspicion of the truth.
The evening passed quietly, unmarked by anything extraordinary.
With Darcy gone, she felt agitated and confused, rather knew that she was happy than felt herself to be so; for, besides the immediate embarrassment, there were other evils before her.
She anticipated what would be felt in the family when her situation became known; she was aware that no one liked him but Jane; and even feared that with the others it was a dislike which not all his fortune and consequence might do away.
And then there was the consideration of Trenwith House.
At night she opened her heart to Jane. Though suspicion was very far from Miss Bennet's general habits, she was absolutely incredulous here.
"You are joking, Lizzy. This cannot be! Engaged to Mr. Darcy! No, no, you shall not deceive me. I know it to be impossible."
"This is a wretched beginning indeed! My sole dependence was on you, and I am sure nobody else will believe me, if you do not. Yet, indeed, I am in earnest. I speak nothing but the truth. He still loves me, and we are engaged."
Jane looked at her doubtingly. "Oh, Lizzy! it cannot be. I know how much you dislike him."
"You know nothing of the matter. That is all to be forgot. Perhaps I did not always love him so well as I do now. But in such cases as these, a good memory is unpardonable. This is the last time I shall ever remember it myself."
Miss Bennet still looked all amazement. Lizzy again, and more seriously assured her of its truth.
"Good Heaven! Can it be really so! Yet now I must believe you," cried Jane. "My dear, dear Lizzy, I would—I do congratulate you—but are you certain? forgive the question—are you quite certain that you can be happy with him?"
"There can be no doubt of that. It is settled between us already, that we are to be the happiest couple in the world. But are you pleased, Jane? Shall you like to have such a brother?"
"Very, very much. Nothing could give either Bingley or myself more delight. But we considered it, we talked of it as impossible. And do you really love him quite well enough? Oh, Lizzy! do anything rather than marry without affection. Are you quite sure that you feel what you ought to do?"
"Oh, yes! You will only think I feel more than I ought to do, when I tell you all."
"What do you mean?"
"Why, I must confess that I love him better than I do Bingley. I am afraid you will be angry."
"My dearest sister, now be serious. I want to talk very seriously. Let me know every thing that I am to know, without delay. Will you tell me how long you have loved him?"
"It has been coming on so gradually, that I hardly know when it began. But I believe I must date it from my first seeing his beautiful grounds at Pemberley."
Another entreaty that she would be serious, however, produced the desired effect; and she soon satisfied Jane by her solemn assurances of attachment. When convinced on that article, Miss Bennet had nothing further to wish.
"Now I am quite happy," said she, "for you will be as happy as myself.
I always had a value for him. Were it for nothing but his love of you, I must always have esteemed him, but now, as Bingley's friend and your husband, there can be only Bingley and yourself more dear to me.
But Lizzy, you have been very sly, very reserved with me.
How little did you tell me of what passed at Pemberley and Lambton!
I owe all that I know of it to another, not to you. "
Lizzy told her the motives of her secrecy.
She had been unwilling to mention Bingley; and the unsettled state of her own feelings had made her equally avoid the name of his friend.
But now she would no longer conceal from her his share in Lydia's marriage.
All, save the activities concerning Trenwith House, was acknowledged, and half the night spent in conversation.
Only when she returned to her own chamber, spirited from reliving the best parts of her encounters with Darcy through the retelling of it to Jane, did she turn her mind to the greater difficulty.
She briefly entertained the thought of keeping Darcy in ignorance, but a lie of omission regarding a matter of such substance did not sit well with her.
What if he were to discover the truth by other means?
What if, on their wedding night, he recognized her body?
What if he discerned she was no longer a virgin?
Such a scene was to be avoided. They ought not begin their wedded life with secrets. On this, she was duly resolved.
But, goodness, how did one broach a subject of this nature?
It was not a topic that fell easily between the weather and dinner.
Perhaps she ought to wait for his confession?
His involvement was no less significant than hers.
Did he have any intention of informing her of his role at Trenwith House?
Or would he presume the past to be irrelevant?
It was not necessary, and perhaps unwise, for her to seek the particulars of what transpired in his life before she had known him.
Though she might be curious as to how many women he had ‘mentored,’ she would not ask to be privileged to such information.
What mattered were his actions when and after he had declared himself to her.
Since then…but his first declaration of love had actually been in April…
in Hunsford. Since then, he had met with another woman—at the Lilac Cottage.
That woman had been none other than herself, but he had not known it.
He was only aware that she was a nameless ‘student.’
The realization dampened her elation of the day, but before she allowed to feel too sour, she reasoned that he had no commitment to honour for she had refused him—and in a manner that would have dashed all hope of attaining her affection.
He had every right to turn his attentions elsewhere.
After receiving such a harsh rejection, a lesser man would have resigned completely, gone to nurse his wounds to seek more fertile fields another day.
To his credit, and proof of his devotion, Darcy had not forsaken her and, instead, increased his efforts to win her heart.
She recalled fondly how amiable he had been when they were in Derbyshire.
But he had been equally agreeable at the Lilac Cottage.
If he had been in earnest pursuit of her, how was it he could lay with another woman during that same time?
Was his obligation to Abby Trenwith so great?
Did he truly approach his responsibility completely devoid of sentiment for the student, as was asked of him in his role of mentor?
But even Abby acknowledged that complete indifference was not always attainable.
And he had certainly seemed attracted to his student.
Could that have merely been affected? For a man who disdained insincerity, was he capable of such a performance?
Lizzy lay upon her bed, grasping her sheets tightly. Oh, what an unwanted epiphany was this! How quickly euphoria could be dashed!
In an effort to reclaim joy, she reasoned that she had no claim to his fidelity at that time.
Perhaps he saw his actions as merely the fulfillment of a duty.
She allowed he might even be a little attracted to this student and ought to triumph that her body was desirable to him.
It was absurd to be jealous of herself. Surely his love for her was no less whole or pure because of a single night’s event.
There was too much goodness in him for her to think him guilty of perfidy—and she ought to guard against forming too early a judgment as she had done to him before.
There was no evidence to suggest he had any attachment to this other woman.
Lizzy considered untangling her thoughts by speaking of them to Jane, but her sister was likely asleep by now, and her concerns would only upset Jane.
Even if Jane were to overcome the shock of her sister’s scandalous quest, she would only urge Lizzy to take the most positive and forgiving outlook.
If only Abby were here! Lizzy decided she would postpone further thought till the morning and not allow the wayward emotions of a late hour to colour her reasoning.
She closed her eyes, but a peaceful repose eluded her.
A sinister doubt persisted until the light of day brought to her a means for putting an end to her concerns.