Chapter 14 – Vale
brOKEN
VALE
Ijump up so quickly I surprise Oliver. I hear his footsteps start forward, but I hold my hand out behind me and shake my head. I’m struggling to breathe because he just explained what was wrong with me. My body doesn’t do that. I’ve tried to masturbate, but it doesn’t work. I can’t have an orgasm.
“Let me help you. Don’t run away. Please.” He’s pleading with me and all it does is make it worse.
I’m broken. I’ve been broken my whole life.
Tears rush into my eyes, and I hold them open wide in hopes the tears won’t fall.
I don’t want him to see me like this. I’m having a panic attack.
I try to get my breathing under control.
I raise my hands above my head and pretend to stretch, then bend over with my elbows on my knees.
My chest feels painfully tight. The world around me spins.
I feel like I can’t breathe even though I know I am. I hate it when this happens.
“Vale, baby, what’s wrong?”
“I shouldn’t have asked you. I shouldn’t have asked you anything,” I blurt out.
“Why are you here with me? You’re not supposed to be here with me.
You’re supposed to be out drinking with that woman, Shae.
” I want him to stop thinking about what I’m freaking out about and worry about his own shit.
I want to distract him from what’s happening to me.
I gulp down air. I’m trying so hard to breathe, but I feel dizzy. I can’t do this. My heart is racing, and I feel this deep need to escape and hide. I wish I had the ability to disappear into the darkness the way he can.
“Let me touch you. Let me hold you.” His voice is closer. He’s worried about me, but I don’t want him to be.
I turn around and he’s so close. If I wanted him to, he’d hold me.
He’d try to make me feel better. It won’t make it better though.
In the end, he’ll never be mine, and he’s the only one who can make it better.
He’s perfect and I’m this thing, this broken thing.
Tears start spilling over when I see the worry in his eyes.
I shouldn’t have looked at him. I don’t want to see the pity in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him. I’m sorry for trying to have any kind of relationship with him. I’m sorry for having a crush. I’m sorry for kissing him because it showed me everything I was missing. I won’t ever have that moment back and that’s what hurts most of all. I’ll never feel that way again.
“Come to me, Vale. Give me a chance. I can make it better.” I almost believe him. I want to believe him and that’s terrifying.
“All you’ve shown me is everything I’ll never have. I’m broken. I’m glad you told me. I’m happy I finally know what’s wrong with me.”
“You’re not broken,” he says it so simply, sweetly, like he actually believes it, but I know. I’ve always known something wasn’t quite right about me.
“Why aren’t you with Shae right now?” I ask, trying to refocus his attention on anything else other than me. He reaches for me, but I take another step back. If he touches me, I won’t be able to handle it. I’ll lose my mind.
“I wanted to be with you. I didn’t like how she looked at you. I didn’t like how she spoke to you or how she grabbed me like I belonged to her.”
“It doesn’t matter how she treats me. I wish you were there with her right now, fucking her, making her feel good. You can’t do that to me. You know that right.” Words fly out of my mouth, but they don’t make sense.
“I know,” he says sadly, looking down at his shoes. Then he clenches his jaw. “I know I can’t have you, Vale. I get it. That’s perfectly clear to me. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. I like you.”
I laugh like a maniac, taking a step forward in anger. “Friends don’t kiss how you kissed me last night. This is so fucked up!” I yell, overwhelmed by the very thought. My hands fly out in front of me to keep him back and my shoulders tighten up.
Why is this happening to me? I push him away, but I wish he was closer. I don’t want to give in because I know he’ll hurt me. It’s not worth it. The pain is never worth it. Break the rules and you get punished. Fall for a fuck-boy and you punish yourself.
He surprises me by getting on his knees. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I was wrong. If you didn’t want me to kiss you, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. Please forgive me. Tell me what to do to make it right.”
My arms fall to my sides, fists clenching, and my fingernails dig into the palms of my hands so hard it stings.
I look up at the sky, blinking the tears away that morph the stars into strange, wavy, glowing lines that crisscross through my vision.
When I look at him on his knees in front of me, something snaps.
“Don’t apologize for kissing me. Please don’t. I wanted you to. I just . . . I . . . fuck!” I can’t get it out.
“Tell me, baby. Tell me what happened.” His eyes are so sincere, and it makes me want to spill my guts. Just like last night.
“My body doesn’t work,” I whisper. “It didn’t matter before I met you.
The first time I had an orgasm was last night when you kissed me.
I’ve tried, but I can’t make myself come.
I’m broken. My body doesn’t do what you said.
” I can’t look at him when the words tumble out.
He must think I’m an absolute lunatic, or he pities me, which is worse.
I close my eyes and breathe deeply, trying to calm myself. It doesn’t work.
“Why do I answer your questions? You want to take my secrets. You want to steal them all, but I’m the idiot who keeps giving them to you. I can’t seem to stop myself.”
I feel his arm wrap around me. I jump, trying to get away.
I look up at him with my arms up defensively between our bodies.
Oliver grips my jaw in his hand, then leans in as if he’s going to kiss me but stops.
I feel his breath against my face. I wish we could go back to last night when he was in my arms, when I felt whole for the first time in my life.
“I’ll be a thief of your secrets. Here’s one of mine in return. I’m not sorry for kissing you.” When he speaks his lips rasp against mine, barely touching my own. “You know what else? I don’t want your forgiveness because it’s likely I’m going to do it again.”
I’m completely overwhelmed by his proximity, the wild look in his eyes, the heat from his body. I lean in closer.
“You can’t! You can’t touch me like that. It’s not fair to me.”
It’s the truth. He could show me everything, and it could be amazing, but the problem is I’ll never have him. I’ll be like all those other people who never return. I don’t know if I can handle that. I don’t want to be nothing to Oliver. I want to be more to him.
“I want to know you. I want you to tell me your secrets because deep down I know I’m supposed to be here, in this moment, to hear them. Maybe I’m the person who proves you’re not broken.” He looks at my mouth, getting stuck there for a fraction of a second too long, then back into my eyes.
“Maybe you’re the one who tells me the truth finally and proves I’m just as broken as I thought,” I reply sadly. “Why does it feel like I’ll never feel that way again? The way I felt with you last night.”
Oliver turns me and wraps his arms low on my waist. I’m about to ask what he’s doing, but he stops me with a finger pressed against my lips. “Lean back against me,” he says softly against my ear.
The words make me shiver. I step back, pressing my back against his chest. I lower my hands to his where they sit above my hips. My tank top has ridden up higher, and I have the urge to pull it down, to cover myself, to hide.
He spreads his fingers against the skin of my belly and I gasp. His touch is a shock to my system. My chest starts to rise as my skin absorbs the heat of his hands. I lean my head back on his left shoulder. I try to turn my head toward his, but he stops me.
“Don’t look at me. This is to show you that you’re not broken. I’m going to guide you. I’m going to show you how, but I don’t want to be the reason. So close your eyes if you have to, alright?”
I swallow and nod my head. “Show me,” the words fall from my lips. I feel like I don’t have any control again.
Oliver flattens my left palm against my stomach.
With very little pressure, he slides my hand up my stomach and under the tank top.
The shirt jerks up, exposing my breast. I feel the air hit my skin.
I hiss when he cups my hand around my breast. Breath sputters from my lungs.
I open my eyes, but they’re unfocused, unseeing.
I want him to kiss me. I start to turn my head again, but he makes a tsking sound that stops me.
He takes my right hand in his and slides it up the other side, inching his way up my body to my other breast. With our hands cupping both breasts, my tank rides up to my collarbone, exposing me.
He releases a harsh breath against the top of my head.
“Does that feel good?”
I sigh because I can’t speak.
His fingers guide my own, and he swirls them around my nipples. I feel so sensitive. “Oliver,” I moan.
“Keep touching yourself, Vale. Don’t take those fingers off your nipples. Stroke them for me.”
When he removes his hands from mine, I want to stop. I don’t want to continue without him. But I feel his hands back at my hips where he grabs the waist of my jeans tightly. His thumbs brush inside the waist band, against my skin. “If you stop, I stop. Do you understand?”
“Yeah, I understand. I won’t stop.” I’m shaking, either with fear or excitement, I can’t tell.
“Good girl,” he whispers and leans over to kiss my temple. It’s an innocent kiss, nothing like the man I know. It's not even a fraction of the devastation he’s capable of, and that makes it worse somehow.
I press my hands harder into my breasts. They feel so heavy, aching. My nipples grow stiff against my own touch. There’s a sudden line that tugs inside me, working its way down to my core, where my muscles flutter like butterfly wings. The sensation is unnerving.
He pops the button of my jeans and lowers the zipper all the way down.
I start panting as I pinch my own nipples.
He reaches for my right hand. His breath comes faster when his hand comes in contact with mine.
“When we get to your pants, I want you to put your hand inside your panties.” His voice has gone raspy.
My right hand is led on a journey down over my ribs and over my belly. My heart is racing as I feel the lace at the top of my panties.
“Now, under the lace, Vale,” he whispers, and his breath is against my ear.
There’s something about hearing him breathe so close, feeling the heat, that makes my heart pound faster.
I lick my dry lips. I slip my own hand under the lace, while Oliver’s hand follows mine on the outside of my panties.
I feel a slight pressure as his hand stops me from going any farther.
Each one of his fingers press against each of mine.
I tense when his index finger presses down. I’m so wet my cheeks flush in embarrassment. His touch gets firmer until my hips jerk forward. “I think we’ve found it.”
For the longest time he presses against my finger, putting pressure against my clit. I can feel his breath move against my ear, my neck. I’m burning inside, the flames licking between my thighs that start to twitch and jerk.
“That’s right, just feel it. Tell me what it feels like against your fingertip.”
I have to think about it for a moment. “It’s warm,” I say as I stretch my neck back.
“Yeah? What else does it feel like?”
“Really wet.” When I say it, he groans against my neck like he’s the one affected by this not me. Then his jaw tenses on my shoulder.
“I bet it is. What else?” His voice becomes this guttural sound that makes chills run up my spine. He presses each side of my finger, moving it from left to right.
“It feels like—” He makes my finger slide around it, and I can’t speak. I suction in air like I’m having a panic attack again. His mouth is pressed against my neck now. I can feel his lips when he smiles.
“Help me, Vale. Circle it with your fingertip, then I want you to press it like a button. I want you to keep doing that, okay?”
My thighs spasm. “I can’t,” I cry. “Oliver, I can’t. I’m going to fall.”
“You can, baby. I won’t let you fall, I promise. Trust me to hold you up,” he pleads with me, urging me on.
“You won’t let me fall?”
“As long as I’m around, I’ll never let you fall. I won’t, Vale. You can trust me,” he says, and it makes me want to. I want to believe he’ll hold me up. I want to know that he’s worth all the anguish.
“But you make me want to do things I’ve never wanted before. What if I want to fall, with you?” I ask, surprised by my own words. He presses his finger against mine, and it distracts me from my confession. “Oliver!”
“That’s it. Let it take you.”
I shake my head against his shoulder as I circle my clit, his hand against my own. Muscles tighten and clamp down inside me, then release. I can’t stop them, and my hips start to rock with every slick circle of my finger.
“I can’t!” I scream, shaking my head, intimidated by what I’m feeling. I stomp my foot to try to gain some control and contort bending my back forward. My mouth is open as I hang there, those muscles still contracting. I open my eyes as he holds me tighter.
“Faster, Vale,” Oliver demands, and I try. I really do.
I’m strumming my fingers against my nipple and against my clit, but it’s like I’m hovering over a precipice. I can’t fall. I’m being held there, and it’s torture. Tears fall from my eyes, and I’m unable to see through the watery waves.
Oliver lets go of my left hand at my breast and I cry out.
He reaches across my chest and pulls me back up so I’m standing straight, my head tilted forward as I gasp.
His arm brackets across both my breasts, and it’s like the touch of his hot skin revs me up.
My body vibrates with it. I think I’m going to break apart.
I believe for a moment it’s going to happen.
He holds me so tight, I feel safe.
“Vale, lift your head.” I do as he says, but I can’t help myself. I turn my head to look at his face.
Our eyes meet, and I wince. “Sorry,” I gasp and look away.
My mind is all over the place now. I can’t concentrate. I’m faltering. I’m losing steam. I stop moving my hands, and I slump against Oliver, defeated.
“I told you I can’t.”