Chapter 19 – Oliver
IS THIS LOVE?
OLIVER
Ithrow my phone on the bed. “Goddammit!” I yell.
She’s over there in her bed half naked, crying because of me.
I hurt her. Again. Why do I do this? I take what she offers, then I pull back.
She’s offering me everything, even a way out.
She says she doesn’t need strings. She says she’ll accept one night.
I’m beginning to think it’s me who can’t accept one night.
I don’t know what to do. I want her so much.
My beast overwhelmed me tonight, taking control and saying those things to her.
I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t stop it, and I got scared.
When I was finally able to take control, it was too late.
She knew those depraved thoughts because the monster in me doesn’t want to hold back with her.
He wants to take her for himself. He wants to own her. Mine, he growls in the back of my mind.
I shake my head and take a breath. Think! I can’t leave her broken. She deserves so much more than that. She deserves more than I can give her.
I grab my phone, then run out my bedroom door. I speed down the stairs and through the house trying to get to her. I need to make this better. I need to fix this.
Why can’t I fix this?
I find myself on the platform outside her bedroom, watching through the window as she pulls a shirt over her head. Her hair is damp, a dark auburn, curling down her back when she pulls it up through the neck of her T-shirt. She isn’t facing the window. I can’t see her face, but I want to.
Her shoulders are shaking as she bends forward and puts her face in her hands. She’s crying. She hurts and in turn it hurts me. Pain stabs through my chest, making me gasp. I did this. I fucked up.
I open the screen door and step through into the sleeping porch not making a sound.
I walk the five steps to her bedroom door on autopilot.
Silently, I open the door to her bedroom and cross the threshold.
I knew it would be unlocked. She wanted me to come.
She wanted me to be able to get to her. Oh, if she only knew such flimsy locks can’t keep me out. Nothing can keep me away from her.
Her shoulders tense as the little latch connects when the door closes.
Vale doesn’t turn to look at me though; she doesn’t want me to see her face.
So I go to her, kneeling beside her on the antique rug.
I pull her hands from her face. Before she can speak, I put my finger up to her swollen lips and shake my head.
I don’t want to talk right now. I don’t want to argue or deny either one of us comfort.
I lift her into my arms and lay her on her back, covering her with the multicolored quilts from the end of her bed.
I take my shirt off and toss it onto her dresser.
She watches me with heartbroken eyes, her cheeks streaked with tears, her eyes shimmering with more of them. I did that to her. In my desire to protect her, I hurt her. I can’t stand it.
I lift the quilts, getting in beside her. Her body is tense. She needs to say something. She opens her mouth to start so many times. I turn to her, wrapping one arm under her neck, the other at her back, pulling her against me. Why does this feel right?
Vale doesn’t fight it; she comes willingly. How can she let go so fast? I lift her leg and place it across my hips. I want to be cradled with her body, her arms wrapped around me. I want her so wrapped around me I can’t escape. I don’t want to run anymore.
She looks up at me with teary, hope-filled eyes, and I bend and press my lips against hers. The kiss is brief, innocent and beautiful like her.
“I don’t want to wipe the slate clean,” she whispers to me. “I don’t want to forget you, what we did. That’s the only way I could wipe it clean.”
“I don’t want to forget you either.”
We get lost in each other, but eventually we have to face facts. I wish I could forget why we can’t be together. I want to break my own rules for the first time in my very long life.
“We can’t undo anything we’ve already done, Oliver. We can be friends but if it does become something else, if we can’t stop, maybe that’s okay too. We just expand our definition of friendship.”
Vale puts it so simply, like anything between us is simple. Yet I can’t fight her logic either. The more we build it up in our heads, the more we fuck up. Perhaps we need to give this thing between us a chance.
The truth is I can’t live so close and not touch her. We only have a few weeks before she leaves, and neither one of us has to be miserable leading up to her departure. The thought of her leaving hurts, but I have to let her go. It’s not safe for her to stay here, near me.
“I’d like that, Vale. No pressure on either of us. We can try,” I whisper back. “Just be who we are with each other.”
When she looks up at me, I can see she’s still hurting and it’s all my fault.
I wish I could make it better. I wish I could be the man she needs.
But I am who I am, and wishes don’t fix anything.
Wishes won’t stop me from killing her when I make her into a helpless addict who can’t even feed herself.
Her leg tightens on my hip as she pulls me closer against her.
Her cheeks are flushed, her lips red. She’s a siren calling me to my death, but I don’t want this to go much farther tonight.
I want to slow this moment down and revel in the feel of her arms wrapped around me. I’ve never let a woman hold me.
I pull her into my chest, holding her tight. This feels a lot like fate, like she was meant to be in my arms if only for a little while. We were meant to meet. We were meant to touch.
Her lips are over my heart as she kisses me.
Those sweet lips against the dragon tattoo, whose epitaph is only a reminder to guard my heart, not to let anyone in ever again.
It’s the sweetest kiss I’ve ever experienced.
It makes my heart flutter the way it did when I was young, back when the world seemed new and exciting.
I reach out to turn off the lamp beside her bed. I intend to hold her, to ease her loneliness, her pain. She cups my cheek, and I kiss her delicate fingertips. I move her shirt aside and press my palm against the skin of her back. Her skin is so velvety soft, so warm, so perfect.
Vale breathes deep against my chest as she runs her palms over my skin, exploring me. I do the same. I’m out of my depth right now but touching her feels right.
I’ve never taken my time to learn each and every nuance of another’s skin.
I’ve never needed to. I’ve never wanted to be gentle with someone the way I am with her.
I could touch her like this all night. I could kiss and taste her skin.
I could touch every inch and maybe it’s not about sex. Maybe it’s about loving her.
My eyes widen at the thought. I can’t love.
Most of the other supernatural beings believe Lilu are incapable of love.
They distrust us because of what we feed on, as if we were built wrong and shouldn’t exist. We don’t deserve love in their eyes.
There are days I question whether that’s true.
My mother is in love with a monster, one deemed perfect for her by the Light.
Of all the Lilu I know, which admittedly have not been many, we are the smallest group of immortals, and none of them are mated. I’ve been in lust, but I’ve never loved someone romantically. Is that what I feel for Vale? Is this love? No, it can’t be. It’s not possible.
I hear her breathe in deep, then a sigh slips out.
I pull her closer and the scent of her arousal nearly suffocates me.
That cloyingly sweet, intoxicating scent of her arousal.
I don’t understand this woman. It wasn’t that strong when my hand was down her pants, but now she’s turned on by a touch. She’s glowing with it.
I can’t stop touching her. I lean down and pull her face to mine.
I kiss her gently, nipping at her lips as I stare into her eyes.
I don’t push her. I give her the time to kiss me back the way she wants it.
Her lips open and she presses her tongue into my mouth, sliding it against mine.
She’s so shy and gentle. My Vale is so sweet.
Our mouths dance in the darkness as we explore each other.
We don’t go farther than that. It turns out, that’s all Vale needs, my lips on hers, our bodies molding against each other, her hands on my chest. If I were a good, human man, I’d marry her.
I’d drag her to a priest, a pastor, the fucking courthouse even, and we’d sign our love and promises to one another.
Then I’d take her home and love her like this.
I’d be patient as she took me for the first time.
I wouldn’t stop telling her how much I love her, how beautiful she is. I’d worship every single inch of her.
But I’m not a good man, and I’m definitely not human.
I roll her under me, pressing her into the mattress.
My breathing ratchets up like hers. I’m high on her scent, the feel of her restless, lithe body sliding against mine.
When I look down at her, those jewel-like, aqua eyes are open, staring up at me.
She sees me through the darkness I embrace and still there’s a desperate longing in her eyes.
Vale wraps her legs around my hips, pulling me closer. I fall onto my elbows, one at each side of her head. We’re so close I feel her chest rising with each sputtering breath against my lips. Her heart speeds up, thrumming inside her.
“I swear, I didn’t come here for this, but I get lost in you, Vale. I can’t stop,” I whisper, admitting my failure. There’s such a profound ache inside, an ache only she can soothe.
“Then don’t stop.”
She lifts up and kisses me once against my throat, then places one hand on my chest, over my heart. I’m filled with a light I can’t comprehend, and it’s because of her. All this is because of her.
“Don’t ever stop,” she begs me. “Please, Oliver, don’t stop.”
I don’t want to fuck her like a beast. I can’t. However, the need to be closer is calling, consuming me. I unbutton my pants, then pull them down just enough that I’m barely encased in my boxer briefs. I arrange myself, then press against her slit.
Vale is so wet that she soaks my underwear in seconds. I roll my hips against her slowly, letting her feel every inch of me. I wish we were closer. I wish nothing separated us, but it does and this has to be enough for now.
Dammit, this has to be enough! It has to.
Vale’s head leans back against the pillows, and she moans softly with each exhale from her lungs.
She’s on fire, the heat between her legs burning me, scarring me, marking me as hers.
I watch her when she comes undone, holding on to me with her entire body.
And I swear her skin glows. She can’t be entirely human, not when her soul is shining through her skin, trying to burst free. I need her to be free.
When she cries out, pushing her fiery essence into me, I can’t help myself. I lean forward, my breath becoming uncontrolled against her open mouth. I come with her name on my lips. I come and drink her essence down. I don’t know if I’ve ever fed so much in one night.
I can barely hold myself up as I take in huge gulps of air.
My head is bowed against hers, and I’m breathing hard, like I’ve run a race.
I’m shaken to my very soul—what’s left of it anyway.
I press my lips to her heart, the same way she did to me earlier.
The monster in my head, growls, Mine. He’s gently tugging at my mind, content but wanting more from her. I don’t blame him. I do too.
“Vale—” I whisper, ready to ask her what she is, but I get lost in her eyes.
We’re silent as we stare into one another’s eyes.
I don’t have the words to express that moment with her.
When I roll to her side, she wraps her arm across my stomach, lifting her leg across my hips.
She lays her head on my chest, and a contented sigh escapes her lips.
I hold her against me as my gaze gets stuck on those glowing green stars that decorate her ceiling.
I feel calm. The monster is awake, but he’s not clawing to get out, he just feels.
“Did I make you come?” she whispers.
I smile in the darkness. “Yeah, baby, you did.”
Her heartbeat gets faster as she smiles against my chest. It feels good knowing I made her happy. It feels more than good, it feels right. Most things feel right with Vale.
“Good,” she says matter-of-factly.
I laugh and she joins in. “That’s twice tonight. Wanna go for round three?”
“What?” She doesn’t believe me.
“I got off with my hand down your pants,” I tell her. “It’s so hot when you come. I couldn’t help myself.”
She lifts up on her elbow and looks at me. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
“Why do you think I was in such a rush to go? I needed to change,” I lie.
“Does that mean you’re leaving now?” She lies her head on my chest again.
She’s worried I’m going to leave her, so I squeeze her tighter against me. “I’ll stay for a while longer, but I have to leave before Nick wakes up. I’ll watch over you, sweet Vale,” I tell her, lifting her head up so I can give her a quick kiss.
Her head falls again, but she’s smiling when she closes her eyes. She falls asleep in my arms once again. I wish, not for the first time, that I could sleep beside her. I wish I could wake up in her arms. I wonder if she’d smile at me with those beautiful eyes when she wakes?
One day, this won’t be so hard. One day, I’ll make her mine if only for a little while.
If only to show her what I can do. So she knows what she needs and she knows it well.
She deserves nothing less than a man who can give her everything, their entire being, their soul.
Vale deserves the world laid at her feet. She’s a queen.
My fiery Queen, the beast purrs.