Chapter 20 #2
But if she needed space away from the faeries filling the house—and away from me—I would give her that. Even if it was the last thing I wanted to do.
In the sparring chamber that night, Kallen was quieter than normal.
Not that he was ever boisterous, but I’d grown used to his thoughtful lectures about proper fighting form, how magic worked, and the complicated history of the Fae.
This time he limited himself to brusque comments, and while last night he’d had no problem grabbing my arms, hands, or even hips to correct my form, he seemed to be going out of his way to avoid touching me.
We’d begun incorporating weapons into our exercises. When he reached out to shift my grip on the haft of a spear, then once again pulled back before making contact, I couldn’t stand it any longer. “What is it?” I asked, resting the butt of the spear against the floor.
“What is what?”
“You’re distant tonight.”
I felt foolish even saying it. It wasn’t like we were close. He was my blackmailer turned ally and tutor. He wasn’t my friend or my…
I can show them such imaginings, the kinds of dreams that haunt them during the day, too.
I shoved the memory of that whispered promise out of my head. Imogen had been trying to get under my skin. She’d succeeded, because now I was thinking about things I shouldn’t be. Imagining reasons Kallen might be interested in touching me, when that was the last thing I ought to want.
I didn’t want it, I told myself, and neither did Kallen. Imogen had just gotten in my head.
Kallen was quiet, watching me. I felt the heat of embarrassment creep over my skin. I had gone too far, and now what must he think of me? Probably something similar to what Drustan had: that I was jealous of his time and his focus, just a silly little human craving attention.
“Never mind,” I said. “You don’t owe me anything.” I raised the spear, leveling the point towards him. “Let’s keep going.”
“No, you’re right,” Kallen said, surprising me. “And I do owe you something.” He sighed, looking away. “I’m on edge tonight. It’s not your fault.”
I wondered what he thought he owed me. His honesty? If so, it was a better gift than most. “What has you on edge?”
He tipped his chin at the spear. “Show me a thrust first.”
He was having me work with a short spear because, like the dagger, it was a stabbing weapon. Both could be used for slashing if needed, but he wanted me to get in the practice of always choosing the fastest and most efficient strike, whether with a weapon or my bare hands.
I settled into position with one hand holding the butt of the spear near my hip and the other angling the tip towards his eyes.
He grabbed his own spear, which had been resting on the floor while he’d been correcting my form, then stepped out of range and nodded at me to proceed.
I thrust the weapon quickly towards him, bringing my back hand up to my breastbone before jerking it down to rest at my hip again.
“Good,” he said, circling beside me. “Another.”
“You said one thrust,” I complained.
“Make it ten.”
I grumbled but obeyed as he watched my form. I was on number five when he started speaking again.
“Imogen found me at the party after you left.”
I hesitated with the spear extended, and he lashed out and smacked it out of my hands with the shaft of his own weapon. My palms stung from the impact, and I yelped as I scrambled to pick it up.
“Don’t get distracted,” he chastised me.
I glared at him before resuming the exercises. “What did she say to you?”
“She said if I told her what I wanted more than anything, she would help get it for me.”
I snorted. “So she was trying that line on everyone.” Inside, though, I was starting to feel an odd, quivering sort of suspense. “What did you say?”
“That she couldn’t give me what I wanted.” His eyes tracked my final jab. “Good. Your form is improving.”
I turned to face him, resting the spear on the ground again, tip pointed towards the ceiling. “Does she imagine she can win you away from Hector’s side? You wouldn’t betray your own brother.”
“She doesn’t know me. All she sees is an assassin who turned on the king the moment he could. I served one master while planning to betray him, so now she’s testing to see if that might hold true elsewhere.”
So few people seemed to understand a thing about Kallen. I wasn’t even sure I understood him, but I knew he wasn’t going to betray Hector. “She’ll be disappointed.”
He nodded. “I’m unsurprised she’s testing me, though. Fae rulers tend to take on one of two roles to seize power—either the tyrant or the seducer. She knows she cannot rule by force as Osric did, so she must make her subjects crave her control.”
An unpleasant feeling jolted through me. “She tried to seduce you?”
“I—” He stepped back a pace, then seemed to remember himself and resumed his confident stance. “No. Not like that.” He hesitated before confessing the rest. “But she started…speculating. About what I might want.”
The feeling in my stomach grew heavier, like I’d swallowed rocks. “What did she offer you?”
He shook his head. “It’s laughable, anyway. That I would think—” He bit off the words, then started again. “It doesn’t matter. But if I’m distant tonight, it’s because of that. I’ve grown used to watching others from the shadows. I do not like being the subject of someone else’s scrutiny.”
Maybe he could see the questions that hovered on my lips, because he moved swiftly to rerack his spear, then grabbed a sword instead. “Time for a new lesson,” he said. “How to fight an opponent wielding a longer blade. Get your dagger out.”
Still seething with a feeling I didn’t like and didn’t want to name, I followed his lead, racking the spear before reaching a hand up to my hair where Caedo had been curving as a headband.
The dagger flowed liquidly into my grip and solidified.
I felt the hum of its excitement through our mental bond.
Caedo loved these lessons for the violence they promised, and I knew we would revisit them later in shared dreams of the battlefield.
“Imogen had the same conversation with you,” Kallen said as if just recalling what I’d told him. “What did she offer you?”
I felt suddenly hot all over. Why hadn’t I anticipated this question? “Power and respect, mainly.”
I can give you more, though.
“Mainly?”
I didn’t dare answer that.
He was looking at me too closely. “And what did you tell her?”
I could pretend I didn’t know what Imogen had begun to offer at the end. She hadn’t finished that sentence, after all. If she hadn’t actually said the words, then I could pretend the images they had conjured in my mind didn’t exist, either. “That I didn’t want anything she could offer me.”
The air felt thick with everything we were leaving unspoken. It was hard to draw a deep breath, but I kept my gaze steady, willing Kallen not to delve further into the topic.
He nodded, then retreated towards the center of the room.
The echoes of him in the mirrors moved, too.
Sometimes when we fought, it felt like we were in the middle of a dance floor.
“She’s going to keep trying to find vulnerabilities,” he said.
“We’ll need to be careful—and we should find out if she’s offered the others anything. ”
Relief swept over me as we moved on from the uncomfortable moment. “Drustan and Hector want to rule too badly to be bribed.”
“If she demands their total fealty, then yes, that’s true.” He settled into a fighting stance, then beckoned for me to approach. “But if she’s clever enough to guess at secret vulnerabilities, then she’s clever enough to be thinking through a number of possibilities for the endgame.”
“Such as?” I asked, advancing on him with my dagger in a guard position.
“I don’t know yet. I don’t know what pieces of her own power she’s willing to cut off and offer as consolation prizes. But if she is willing to, and if the prize is sweet enough…that could change things.”
A chill went over me. The strength of our alliance rested on knowing we were all serving the same goal, even if the ultimate outcome was up for debate.
Either Drustan or Hector would rule, and once that was determined, all of us would abide by that decision and fight for our faction in the war to come.
But what if I chose Drustan, and Hector wasn’t willing to accept that? What if I chose Hector, and Drustan decided he would seize power some other way? He might choose to support Imogen in the short term if it meant eliminating other challengers for the throne in the long run.
I could see him doing that. A sacrifice now for a later victory. His hatred of Void House certainly seemed to go deep enough.
And Gweneira, too. Was Imogen genuine in believing Torin and Rowena were the best options for Light House, or might she offer Gweneira that power instead?
Gweneira knew all our plans. She knew the schedule of our patrols and the exact numbers of soldiers Fire and Void had to offer.
She could do a lot of damage if she turned on us.
I didn’t know Hector well enough to understand what might sway him. But if there was something there, and Imogen found it…Would Kallen go with him down that road?
Now that Kallen’s comment had opened the door to those doubts, they were pouring in. Every member of our alliance had secondary goals, and few of them aligned. If we couldn’t trust one another, how were we supposed to fight together?
“Come on, Kenna,” Kallen said, gentling his voice. “Worrying about it tonight won’t fix it.”
“I can’t stop worrying about everything that might go wrong just because you tell me to.”
“No. But you can train so you’re ready when it does.”
I raised my brows, dismayed at that phrasing. “ When it goes wrong?”
“Nothing will be perfect, even if we win. There is no way for every single person on our side to get everything they want. There will be losses.” His eyes looked sad. “And some dreams are so impossible, it’s best to forget them before you get close enough to break yourself on them.”
My throat felt thick. I wanted to ask what dreams of his seemed impossible and what he thought was capable of breaking him. But before I could open my mouth, he raised his sword. “Let’s spar,” he said. “We can’t control everything, but the wise prepare for all ends.”
“The wise prepare for all ends,” I echoed softly. Even the end where I would wind up fighting for my life. If I was ready when that fate came for me, maybe I could change it.
So I took a deep breath, centered myself, and leapt at him, blade flashing.