Chapter 13
Even though I know it's unavoidable, I hate that Nate has to leave to get back to the kitchens. I walk him to the door and lean against the frame. Luckily, there's no one in the hallway, so we're not going to be interrupted as we say goodbye.
"Thank you for coming," I say. "I really appreciated the company. Especially when you braved it despite knowing that I could have gotten snappy at you."
He laughs. "I don't think you get snappy, it's more that you just say what you're thinking."
"Tell that to the footman I made cry a few years back." I grimace at the memory. "I still feel awful about it, even if I did apologise and make him a picnic so he could ask someone to marry him."
Nate laughs. "That's an elaborate apology."
"I made him cry," I emphasised. "I should never have been outside my room to begin with."
"Why were you?"
"A delegation from Rajaad was arriving and Mama insisted I be there to greet them with the rest of the family. She let me stay in bed for the welcome dinner after I snapped at the footman though."
"Perhaps for the best."
"It is," I agree. "Thankfully, my cousins don't seem to be arriving today, and the worst will be over by tomorrow."
"Hopefully, they arrive soon. The banquet isn't very far away," Nate says.
"True. It's a shame I wasn't able to taste everything today. I was looking forward to trying it."
"I can talk to Chef Martina and ask if we can set up something else for you?" he suggests. "I'm sure there'll be some of the taster dishes left."
"If you wouldn't mind. I should have thought of that myself, but I've managed to avoid this situation up until now."
"I don't mind." He reaches out to brush a hand against my arm.
I don't know what it is about him touching me, but I like it. There's a safety in it that I haven't experienced from anyone else.
A door down the corridor opens, and I look over in time to see Veronica leave the room next to mine.
She pauses in her tracks when she sees us. "Chef Matthews," Veronica says, her gaze slipping past him and to me.
"Your Highness," he says with a bow.
"It's good to see you back in the castle," she says.
"It's good to have returned." He looks at me, and I can't help smiling at him.
"The pastries you sent up for breakfast the other day were delicious," she says. "Perhaps you'd give your father the recipe so that he can keep making them for us."
"I'll pass it on," Nate promises. "And Ev-Princess Evelyn has the recipe too."
"I'm sure she does."
The three of us stand there, and I find myself wishing that I could hurry my sister away so that she's no longer bothering us, even if it's just so that I can finish saying goodbye to Nate.
"I should be returning to the kitchen. I'll see you tomorrow?" he asks me.
I nod. "Yes."
"I look forward to it," he says. "Your Highnesses." He dips his head to Veronica first, and then to me, lingering a little longer than I expect him to, which makes my heart a little giddy in response. I'm not sure exactly what the cause of that is, but I kind of like it.
I watch him leave, letting out a wistful sigh, gaining another look from my sister.
"You ruined a perfectly lovely goodbye," I tell her.
"I'm sure I did," she responds. "You're aware of what people are going to think if they see him leaving your room while you're dressed like that, right?"
"I'm dressed like I normally do at this time of the month."
"You're wearing your bed clothes, Evie."
"My courses have started, what else am I going to wear when I don't want to get out of bed?"
Veronica rolls her eyes, and I run back through what I've said to try and work out what was wrong about it, but can't come up with anything.
"You weren't in bed," she points out.
"Well, no. Nate brought me a tisane and chocolates. It would have been rude to stay in bed."
Veronica sighs and gestures for us to step into my rooms. I do as she suggests, mostly because I know it's going to be a better option than having the conversation in the hallway. She looks over the table, seeing the remains of the tray with the chocolates and the tisane, raising an eyebrow.
"He knew something that would help with the pain," I say as an explanation.
"That's...very familiar of him."
"We're friends. That's what friends do," I counter.
My sister doesn't look particularly convinced. "You've got to know how this looks, Evie."
"It doesn't look like anything. Because it isn't anything," I counter.
She gives me a look, but I have no idea what it means. She seems to realise that and lets out a sigh. "Just be careful, Evie."
"There's nothing to be careful of," I respond. "Besides, he'll be returning to Wafeland with our cousins." My voice cracks as I say the words, and her whole demeanour softens in response. I know how to read that much from her.
Veronica lets out another sigh, but this one sounds more resigned than exasperated. At least, I think it does.
I take a seat and pour myself a fresh cup of the tisane. It's not very hot any more, but I do think it's helping.
Veronica picks up one of the chocolates and bites into it. "Well, he knows what he's doing at least. This is good." She takes a seat opposite me. "But do you know what you're doing?"
"I'm drinking tea," I respond, lifting my cup so she can see. "Well, a tisane. It can't be tea unless the leaves come from a teaplant."
"Not that. Do you know what you're doing with Nate?"
"Baking," I respond. "Though I suppose that we were just talking this afternoon. We didn't bake in my rooms."
"What have I got myself into?" Veronica mutters to herself as she rubs a hand over her face. "How do you feel about Nate?"
"He's my friend," I respond.
"He seems like a little more than that from the outside," she says.
"I know. You thought I was sleeping with him, and Mama thinks it too. She gave me more accident tea now he's back."
"She did?"
"Yes. It's in a drawer in my bed chamber." I wave in that direction even though she's well aware of where it is.
"And you're not taking it?"
"I don't need to take it. I'm not sleeping with Nate."
She takes a deep breath and helps herself to another of my chocolates. "I hate to ask, but are you sure you're not sleeping with him?"
I roll my eyes. "I've had sex, Veronica. I'm well aware of whether I'm having it or not."
She blinks a couple of times and stares at me as if I've grown another head. "You've had sex?"
"That's what I said."
"With Nate?" she checks.
"No."
"But I thought you said you didn't feel any desire to do that with anyone?" She eats the rest of her chocolate.
"I don't. That doesn't mean I haven't tried it. I wanted to know what all the fuss was about, so I slept with a visiting ambassador's son maybe three or four years ago."
"And?"
"And what? He left. Father got his treaty. Everyone was happy. Though I don't think those things correlate," I respond.
"I meant did you like it?"
"It was all right," I respond. "So then I slept with a woman, just to make sure that I wasn't more into that. But it was more or less the same. It was fun in the same way riding a horse is. I don't hate it, but I'm not going out of my way to do it again."
"You are full of surprises today. I think I'm going to need to ring for more tea." She gets up to go over to the cord that will ring a bell somewhere else in the castle.
"Tisane," I say.
"What?"
"I'm drinking tisane, not tea."
"I don't really care what you drink."
Betsy appears in the doorway, curtsying to us both and soon hurrying off to get the tea.
"Is what I'm saying really that interesting to you?" I ask my sister as she retakes her seat.
"Yes, absolutely. This is the best thing I've heard all week," she responds. "So what made you decide that those two people were the ones you were going to sleep with?"
"They looked nice, I guess. And they didn't have a bad smell."
Amusement is plain on her face. "You're not going to win any awards for giving praise with compliments like that."
"It's the truth. I also knew that they wouldn't want, or wouldn't be able to have, anything more than that."
"Do you not want to fall in love?" she asks, leaning forward and grabbing one of the remaining chocolates. "It's going to be a shame when Nate goes back to Wafeland. These are delicious."
"It'll be a shame because he's gone," I say firmly. "And yes, I want to fall in love."
She looks as if she's studying me intently. "What do you think about how Nate looks?" she asks slowly.
I frown. "He looks like Nate."
"Yes, but do you like the way he looks?"
I contemplate the question for a moment, glad when Betsy returns with a tray of new refreshments. She clears away the old ones and replaces them. My lady's maid curtsies and leaves the room. She won't have gone far, but it's the most privacy we'll get as princesses.
"He looks nice," I say. "I like watching him bake."
"Mmhmm. And what do you think about how he smells?" Veronica asks as she serves herself from the teapot. "Would you like some?"
I nod and she pours me a cup.
"I like the way Nate smells. It's comforting."
"You don't have to answer this question now, or maybe at all to me, but I have to ask it," she says, sitting up straight and looking far more serious than I think I've ever seen her.
"Ominous," I mutter.
"Are you in love with Nate?"
I blink a few times as her question sinks in. "Am I in love with Nate?" I echo.
"Yes."
"How would I even know that?"
"I don't know." She lets out a breath, and for a moment, I don't think she's going to continue.
"Love is...a complicated thing to explain.
It's like wanting to see someone all the time, feeling like your day is better just for being around them.
Enjoying even the most fleeting of touches.
I don't think I'm doing the feeling any justice.
But when I've been in love, I've known that I don't feel the same way about anyone else. "
I frown as I consider what she's saying, because I do feel all of that towards Nate. I want to spend as much time with him as I can. He's my safe place, the person who understands me better than anyone.
But I'm not in love with Nate.
Am I?