Chapter 34 Zoe
ZOE
“This is really good,” I said. The waffles, the eggs… they were like works of art.
“That’s because I made it.” Asher was being his usual modest self this evening. “But you didn’t eat very much.”
“But what I did eat was delicious.” Okay, he was right, I hadn’t had all that much.
But my stomach had been doing weird flip-flops all day, thinking about tonight—about what we might do, all four of us together.
And thinking about the serious conversation we were going to have.
Both parts of that made me nervous, but one also got me excited.
“I’ve never gotten the whole ‘breakfast for dinner’ thing,” Kai said. “But it is really good.”
Asher leaned back in his chair at the little table in the hideaway. “Breakfast for dinner is a concept ancient chefs invented when they were too fucking tired to cook a real dinner.”
Landon laughed. “Makes sense. Though this is an actual meal. You didn’t just hand us a gallon of milk and a box of cereal.”
I laughed. “If that’s the menu, then I volunteer to cook next time.” Cooking, just like relationships, was one of the many things that I’d ignored while working on my studies.
Kai shot me a knowing look. “We’d rather you volunteered for other things.”
I’d never get tired of seeing the desire in his eyes when he looked at me. It made every part of my body go on high alert. But the fact that the men were shirtless was another reason my skin tingled—and that I’d been too distracted to eat much.
When Asher had suggested we eat here at the hideaway tonight, Landon had decided that since breakfast was on the menu, we should all wear what we sleep in.
Then when Asher had emphasized that we should all wear pajamas, I asked him what the difference was.
Landon had answered that they were just making sure Kai wouldn’t show up naked.
Which, honestly, I wouldn’t have minded so much. I’d never known how breathtakingly beautiful men’s bodies could be… not until I’d become roommates with these three.
“Are you finished?” Landon said, pulling me back to the present.
“Yes.” I said it without thinking and then regretted it. Because when we were done, that meant the conversation would start. The one where I had to be honest about my feelings.
“Anyone want coffee?” Asher asked. When no one spoke up, I said I did. Which wasn’t true, but it might give me a few extra minutes to figure out what I was going to say.
“Let’s take it in the common area,” Landon said when Asher returned with my cup.
Crap.
Almost reluctantly, I followed them to the seating area in front of the fireplace. I had to admit, I enjoyed seeing them in just their pajama pants, slung low on their hips. Kai’s were dark blue, Landon’s dark gray, and Asher’s black.
I was in my nightshirt, an oversized, long-sleeved red t-shirt that was comfortable and loose. It definitely wasn’t designed to attract a man’s attention, but it was comforting to wear. Tonight was going to be difficult enough without worrying about tight, form-fitting clothing.
Landon flipped off the switches, so that the only light was from the fire, which is how I liked it. I sat in the middle of the couch, and Kai and Asher sat on either side of me, close enough that our legs were touching.
Landon joined us last after switching off the lights and frowned when he saw us. “Where am I supposed to sit?” He handed a blanket to Asher, who spread it over the three of us.
That was something I’d already figured out from hanging out with the three of them—that I only had two sides for them to be on. “You could sit on my lap,” I offered.
He grinned and scooted the coffee table out a foot. Then he sat on it, his forearms resting on his knees as he leaned toward me.
I gulped. This was it.
Landon started—we’d all tacitly acknowledged that he was the best person to lead this particular conversation. And so he dove in. “Say anything you’d like, Zoe, as long as it’s the truth.”
Which was easier said than done, but I nodded.
“Have the lessons been everything you hoped they’d be?”
I let out a relieved breath. At least he’d started with an easy question. “Yes. Everything I’d hoped for and more.”
“Good to hear,” Asher said, putting his arm around my shoulders.
Kai put his hand on my thigh, squeezing lightly, as we all watched Landon.
“Since our time here is almost up, and since we’ll soon be in different parts of the country, we need to know if this was just about sex… or about something more.”
Damn it. There it was, the question I’d been dreading.
It made me want to sink down and disappear into the sofa cushions.
Didn’t he know what an impossible question that was for me?
“I don’t understand why it matters,” I said in a small voice.
“This time with you guys… it turned out better than I ever could’ve imagined.
It’ll be my favorite memory from my entire time at school. And that’s the honest truth.”
“It matters because I can’t pretend that this is about sex. I can’t pretend my feelings for you haven’t changed,” Landon said softly. “The question is, have yours changed about us?”
Shaken, I just looked at him. How could he think I could know that in just a few weeks?
“Let’s start simple,” Kai said. “Do you still think Asher’s a complete asshole?”
“Thanks, man,” Asher grumbled, and Landon chuckled.
“No.”
Asher squeezed my shoulder. “Am I still the one you’d murder in Fuck, Marry, Kill?”
I laughed despite myself. “No.”
“Then which? Fuck or marry?”
Though he was teasing, panic filled me. “That’s a dumb game.”
“Could we not make this conversation even more difficult by mentioning the ‘m’ word?” Kai asked.
“It doesn’t have to be difficult.” Landon’s blue eyes were steady on mine. “Whatever you’re feeling, whether you think we’ll like it or not, is fine. It’s what you’re feeling. We’re not asking you to say anything untrue for the sake of our egos.”
I nearly rolled my eyes at that. Landon wasn’t the one who had an ego the size of a mountain—unlike the two men next to me.
Asher dove in. “Do you want to see us again?”
“She’ll have to see you. You go to the same school,” Kai pointed out.
“But we managed to avoid each other, with one notable exception, the first three-and-a-half years,” Asher pointed out.
“I want to see you again. All of you.”
Landon looked please. “That’s a start.”
“No, it’s not. It depends on why she wants to see us. Is it just for sex?” Asher demanded.
“Of course not. I like spending time with you.”
“Spending time in the friend zone,” Kai muttered.
“I think of you as more than a friend,” Landon said in his simple, straightforward way. “So, I’d like to know how you see me. See us.”
“We were clear,” I said desperately. “From the start we were clear. Nobody was supposed to catch feelings, so I stuck to that.”
“I think you’re lying.” Asher’s voice wasn’t accusatory, just matter of fact.
“I’m not.”
“I think you are. Remember when I was in the chair and you straddled me? You freaked out, and it took me a long time to realize why.”
“I was tired,” I protested. “Most virgins don’t go from zero to sixty in one night like that.”
“You were fine once I laid you on the bed,” Asher continued. “I think that when we were face to face, eye to eye… it started to feel too real, too raw for you. As if it might be about more than just sex.”
“No, that’s not what…” My quiet words trailed off.
“I know that, because I felt it too. That was the first time it hit me that this wasn’t just about banging the hot chick I had a complicated history with. You were right there, staring into my eyes, your arms wrapped around me… and it started to feel like it might be something else.”
I’d just been tired. That was all. Except… maybe it wasn’t.
“And I think part of the reason you freaked out was because it was me. Maybe if it had been Landon or Kai, those feelings wouldn’t have scared you as much.”
“Shit, man, when did you get so introspective?” Kai asked.
I sat there completely shaken, trying to process what Asher had said. But it wasn’t true. It couldn’t be.
“What I feel for you… it’s not real. It’s just hormones. Lust. You three are really good in bed, I can admit that. That’s all I’m feeling. Everything else isn’t real.”
Landon leaned forward and took my hand in his. “Why do you insist it’s not real?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Exasperation filled my voice.
“Not to me,” Landon said quietly.
“My feelings can’t be real because you can’t have true feelings for three different people!” My voice broke. “Fine, I like you all. But nothing more than that. You can like more than one person. But anything else, anything stronger—it’s not real. It can’t be real, that’s not how it works.”
“Why not?” The gentleness in Landon’s voice nearly undid me.
“I think we forgot to teach her a very important lesson,” Kai said over my head to Asher.
He nodded. “Guess we should’ve added a lecture on polyamory.”
“What?” I wasn’t following, but I at least I could see that they weren’t staring at me like I was some kind of freak for what I’d just said.
Asher said in a surprisingly gentle voice, “You can fall for more than one person, Zoe. It happens.”
“And if that’s what’s happening here, I’m glad to be a part of it,” Landon said.
It was hard to wrap my mind around what they were saying. “But… I mean, like one man with two girlfriends—that’s cheating.” And cheating was the worst thing you could do to someone you cared for.
“It’s not cheating if you’re all on the same page,” Asher said.
“W-what does that even mean?” I just couldn’t see how what they were talking about could work.
Kai answered. “Say, for example, a woman meets a group of great guys who are all friends and very close.” Kai paused to stroke my thigh.
Then he smirked down at me. “They’re all hung like horses, of course, and they can all make her moan and scream all night long…
but then she develops feelings for all of them that are beyond what happens in the bedroom. And that’s okay.”
“It’s not even that uncommon,” Asher said. “I bet if you quizzed everyone in your social circle, you’d find at least one person in that situation.”
A tear slid down my cheek, catching me by surprise. “A-and that’s what you all want?”
“I want you,” Landon said.
“We want you,” Kai corrected. “You may have noticed that twins often like the same things.”
I shook my head at that statement. “Not sure you two are the best example of that.”
“We’re aligned on the really important things,” Landon said. He still held my hand in his. Then he turned to Asher. “What about you?”
Asher turned, bringing his knee up on the couch so that he could face me better.
“It was just about the sex for me. At first. The idea of teaching a beautiful woman and showing her what her body can do was appealing, and I wasn’t going to turn it down.
And maybe… shit.” The look he gave me was bordering on regretful.
“Look, I’m not proud of this, but maybe there was an element of revenge in there.
Like maybe if I could get you so worked up that you were pleading and begging for my touch, it would resolve some of the anger I felt about that review.
But I don’t feel that way anymore. Things changed so gradually I didn’t notice…
until that night, the night of your first time. ”
“We only had sex that night,” Kai grumbled. “But these two had a revelation.”
“If we did, I was pretty slow on the uptake,” I said.
Asher shook his head a little ruefully. “Me too.”
I reached for him with my free hand, patting his leg. “Guess that’s why they had to keep locking us in so we could figure it out.”
Landon looked puzzled, and Kai laughed.
“What?” I said.
Kai laughed harder.
“What’s so funny?”
Asher grinned. “That second time wasn’t them, it was me.”
“What do you mean? The door was locked from the outside.”
“Was it? Or did I just tell you it was?”
My jaw dropped open. Then I smacked him across the chest. He caught my hand and held it, rubbing his thumb over my palm.
I was still reeling. Everything had happened too fast tonight. “So what does all of this mean? Besides the fact that one of the men I like—the one I will soon have to spend hours in a car with—is a jerk?”
“It means we accept that this is about more than just hot sex, and that we’re open to exploring that,” Landon said.
“How?”
“I’d say the first step is to make plans to see each other again.”
“I’d like that.” Warmth filled my chest.
“But before that, there’s one more very important step,” Asher said.
“What’s that?”
His grin was hungry and feral. “Your final exam.”