Chapter 31
THIRTY-ONE
I was too shaken to speak for the rest of the return journey.
I didn’t even want to look at Anna. It was probably a good thing that we ended up traveling too squashed to make eye contact.
A group of three children and a mother somehow fit in the pod with us.
They cowered in one corner and didn’t seem to speak any English at all.
I didn’t know what language they spoke. The thirteen small aircraft couldn’t take everyone, so a hover ship was due to come for the rest of them.
But, after we reached Fairwell and deposited the small family on the islet, where they were escorted to temporary accommodation in the crumbling outreach building, I couldn't remain silent any longer.
“I need to talk to you, Anna,” I said as we climbed out of the aircraft onto the roof of Springs’ Turret. I tried to keep my voice steady but the last time I opened my mouth I’d been screaming.
She adjusted the backpack on her shoulders and ran a broad hand down her face. “I'm exhausted, honestly. But come down and we'll talk.”
I glanced at Jessie, figuring that I preferred to speak to my “mentor” one-on-one, rather than in a group. Jessie could say whatever she wanted to Gerard on her own.
I followed Anna off the roof, down the stairwell into the interior of their home. She led me a couple of floors down, into an enormous, circular bedroom, streaked with beige, cream and purple shades. A modernistic sketch of a unicorn presided over her huge, silken bed.
I looked directly at her as she sank onto the mattress, clutching her feet and massaging her toes.
“I need you to tell me what happened back there,” I said. My fists were involuntarily clenched, my nails digging into the flesh of my palms. “How did it happen? I just don't understand.”
I didn't even know what the use was in having this conversation with her. It wasn't going to get those terrified people’s home back. Somehow, I just needed to know, even if only to try to come to terms with what had just happened, what we—what I—had just done.
Anna leaned back against her headboard and let out a sigh.
“As I said, it was an error. I'm not part of the intel team, but sometimes these things happen. Maybe some nomads were near that area, but the team got the wrong spot. We’ll do an investigation to figure out what happened since, obviously, we want to get the right people next time.”
Next time. The words made me feel sick. I couldn’t see there being a next time for me. I couldn’t see myself risking doing this again.
“So they didn't even check out the area properly?” I asked, feeling my blood pressure rise.
“I mean, it wasn't difficult to see that they were primitive people.
All it would have taken was for someone to hang around a while, watch them come outside, and see that these weren't the real targets. I simply don't understand how—"
“Tani, what is the purpose of this questioning?” Anna's voice suddenly had a sharp edge to it. She stared at me, and I saw a hard glint in her eyes that I had rarely seen before, much less when she had spoken to me.
I paused for a moment, unsure of how to respond and feeling taken aback by the manner in which her mood had switched.
“I can't tell you exactly what the purpose is,” I said in a quieter, though no less resolved, tone. “I suppose what’s done is done and we can’t erase the past. But what I do know is I can’t witness anything like that ever again. ”
Anna continued to stare at me. “Really?” she asked after a long heartbeat, as if she could hardly believe my response. “That's really your threshold? You draw a line on the first day?!”
I frowned. What did she expect me to answer?
That I would be happy to risk taking direct part in obliterating the home of more helpless people?
At the very least I needed concrete assurances that this would never happen again, and maybe admission into the “intel” team myself, so that I could see with my own eyes that we were targeting the right people.
There were obviously serious flaws in the current set up!
I was about to open my mouth to respond when Anna simply shook her head.
“I’m sorry, Tani. I don’t have time to argue with you.
We’re not supposed to be arguing. That’s not how this is supposed to work.
I don’t want to have to persuade you to do anything.
I don’t have the time for it. It should be obvious that, in this department, things can get messy.
Not everything is going to be topped off with a pretty little bow.
And I can’t guarantee you won’t see more like you saw today.
I can’t guarantee you won’t see worse. So, it’s really up to you.
If you prefer, you can go off and do your own thing—whatever you want. ”
Although she simply stared at me, she might as well have grabbed me by the throat. The unspoken threat in her words rang loud in my ears, and my mind instantly returned to my parents in the hospital.
“I'm not saying I won't work,” I said, feeling tension building in my temples. “I don't want to go off and do my own thing. I... I want to work in outreach. I want to help people, and I want to find the best way to do that.”
“We have an entire team figuring out the strategy,” she replied, no longer masking the impatience in her voice.
“With all due respect, it’s not something we need you for.
So you have a choice to make. Continue with the program and realize you're gonna have to take the rough with the smooth—whatever that may entail—or go off and do your own thing. As you know, both you and I have a way out of this contract.”
She spoke as if I actually did have a way out.
As though my parents’ lives weren’t dependent on the pieces of paper we had signed down in the halls of FairBank.
As though I could live any semblance of a worthwhile life if I rejected her mentorship.
How did I have a way out? The moment I retreated, the coins would vanish and my parents’ lives would be back on the line.
I didn’t even want to think about the risks that would come with suddenly destabilizing them and throwing them back into the islet building.
How could I do that to my parents?
She, on the other hand, could probably quite easily find a replacement for me.
“Please think carefully, Tani.” Anna’s eyes bored into me.
Her voice had gone quieter, but the same hard edge remained in her expression.
“I know we got off to a rough start today, but you’d be foolish to lose sight of the goal.
A few blemishes don’t cancel out the fact that this is all for the greater good, in the end.
You will realize that, surely. Many, many will realize that. ”
Her eyes took on a distant quality as she spoke the last words, and I experienced the most uncomfortable feeling, as if she were having a conversation with herself that I was locked out of.
We were supposed to be “mentor” and “mentee”, but I had never felt more misaligned with a person in my life.
It felt like she was talking at me, without even caring whether I was convinced or not.
I didn’t recall ever having such a… dehumanizing experience.
I didn’t understand why any of my own behavior would warrant such a reaction.
Then Anna stood up and opened the door of her bedroom. “You know your way out. If you’d like to continue with the program, I’ll see you outside my home’s front door at 9 a.m. tomorrow.”
As soon as I stepped through her door, she closed it behind me.
I climbed quickly down the staircase to the lowest floor, not wanting to encounter any of her other family members, and let myself out the front door.
Wrapped in the silence of the grand corridor outside, filled with paintings of Fairwell’s founders of the past, a deep chill settled into the core of my bones.
I didn’t know where Jessie was. My hands trembled, not just because I was still trying to reel in from the shock of what I had done earlier, but also from my encounter with Anna. When I arrived at the fortress’s exit, I managed to fumble in my pocket for my phone and saw Jessie’s text:
Meet me back at Fraser Isle.
Like me, she never called it home either.
I hurried back along the quickest shuttle route I knew. A headache had begun to creep into my skull, and I figured I needed to rest for at least a few minutes. Try to gather my thoughts and emotions. Try to think straight, before talking with more people.
I ran the whole way from the shuttle stop, burst through my door, and went straight for the kitchen sink, gulping cold water and splashing my face, heart still hammering.
“You’re back.”
The voice was low—deep enough to make me drop my water glass. I spun, one hand on the counter, every nerve on edge.
“Hayden?” My voice was a rasp.
He sat on the edge of my sofa, barely visible in the blue dusk. He stood, half-shadow, mouth slanted in apology. “Didn’t mean to startle you. The door was open.”
I stared. “You broke in?”
He nodded toward the back. “Wasn’t locked. You should be more careful.”
“Most people knock.” My breath was still ragged, but a reluctant, shaky smile tugged at my lips. “Is that what they teach you in employment officer school?”
He gave a shrug, not quite matching the sly look he cut me. “I’m off the clock.”
For a beat, neither of us said anything. The last light angled across his face—he looked more drained than I’d ever seen him, the kind of tired that goes all the way to the bone.
“Are you okay?” I managed.
He shook his head, slow and deliberate. “I’m not here about me.”
The tension flickered back, thick as ever. I wiped my hands on my jeans, suddenly aware of how small the room felt. “So what are you here for?”