Chapter 17 #2
Probably because it was his biggest fear.
He had spent his life pretending that he didn’t care one way or the other if his mama loved him.
But he’d cared. He’d cared too damn much.
He loved his mama. He knew that now. He didn’t know if he could survive another woman rejecting his love. But it was too late.
“I love her, Jax.”
Jaxon studied him for a long moment before he nodded.
“Okay, but are you willing to do whatever it takes to be in a relationship? Because that’s what love is .
. . commitment. Commitment to making the other person happy.
And sadly, neither one of our parents were good at teaching us that.
They were selfish, thinking only of themselves and what made them happy. ”
For once, Dawson wasn’t going to let his brother’s beliefs make him lose faith in himself. For once, he was going to stand up for himself.
“I get it, Jax. I’ve been an absolute screw-up.
Everything I do seems to go to shit. You were the one who had to deal with the brunt of it.
Mama certainly didn’t. And Daddy was always gone.
You don’t know how sorry I am for putting you through such hell when you were only a kid yourself.
And I guess that’s one of the reasons I’ve never stood up for myself with you.
I figured I deserved all your distrust and disappointment.
But regardless of all the things I screwed up in my life, I didn’t rob the gas station, Jaxon.
And that’s the God’s honest truth. You can believe me or not, but I’m through hanging onto my guilt over that night.
And as for Magnolia, you’re right. I could screw it up.
But that’s not going to stop me from loving her.
It’s not going to stop me from trying to be better than our parents were. ”
He turned and headed out of the refrigerator with every intention of driving straight to the bookstore and pulling Magnolia into his arms. But he didn’t even make it to the door before Jaxon stopped him.
“Dawson!”
He turned around to find his big brother standing there.
“You aren’t a screw up. I am. You’re right.
I’ve been holding the past against you and that was just wrong.
” He paused and took a deep breath before slowly releasing it.
“I guess I wanted justification for leaving my little brothers and baby sister with a pathetic excuse of a mother. But the truth is I just couldn’t hack the pressure of being the responsible one anymore.
Even before you set the tires on fire, I was thinking about leaving.
” Tears welled in his eyes. “It was easier to place the blame on you and what happened that night, than accept the fact that I wasn’t strong enough to stay. ”
Dawson could only remember seeing Jaxon cry a few times in his life. At Daddy’s funeral. At his and Tully wedding.
And now.
Like always, tears had Dawson crumbling.
He walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, Jax. It’s okay. You paid your dues. None of us blame you for leaving.”
Jaxon shook his head and wiped at the tears rolling down his cheeks.
“You should, Dawg. You should blame me. Just like you should blame me for not trusting you. You were my right-hand man. The only one I could count on to help me with Huck and Poppy and listen to me when the pressure of taking care of y’all got too much.
” He paused. “And in return, I didn’t believe you when I should have. I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.”
Dawson had heard people talk about weights being lifted off their shoulders, but he hadn’t understood the euphemism until now. He felt like a three-thousand-pound barbell had been lifted off him. Tears dripped down his cheeks as his brother pulled him into a tight hug.
“I love you, Dawg. I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole.
And for the record, I’m not just worried about Magnolia getting hurt.
I’m worried about you getting hurt. Tully thinks Magnolia has some commitment issues of her own after losing her mama and her daddy falling apart.
Are you sure she feels the same way you do? ”
Dawson wished he could say yes with complete confidence, but he couldn’t. Magnolia cared about him. He knew that. But she cared about a lot of people. That was just Magnolia. Did she love him? He wasn’t sure.
He drew back. “I don’t know. And maybe I’ll get hurt. But it’s not your job to protect me anymore, Jax. Any of us. We’re adults who are going to make mistakes and we’ll have to deal with those mistakes ourselves. You can’t take the blame anymore.”
Before Jaxon could reply, Huck came out of the kitchen. “Did y’all get things worked out? Because Pops and I are sick and tired of seeing y’all—wait, are those tears? Are my two big brothers crying like wittle babies?”
Both Dawson and Jaxon’s gazes narrowed on Huck. “You mention this to anyone, little brother, and those will be the last words out of your mouth,” Jaxon said.
Huck snorted. “I’d like to see that. Just because you’re the oldest that doesn’t make you the strongest anymore.”
“Oh, really? And I guess you think you’re the strongest?”
“Well, I’m not one to brag . . .” Huck lifted an arm and flexed his bicep. Before he could even lower it, Jaxon had him bent over in a headlock. “Watch the hair, Jax! Watch the hair!”
“Oh, I’m gonna watch the hair, Huckleberry.” Jaxon looked at Dawson and winked. “I think our baby brother needs that peach fuzz shaved off his upper lip. What do you think, Dawg?”
“I think there’s a sharp enough knife in the kitchen.”
Huck struggled to get out of Jaxon’s hold. “You touch my stache and I’ll kick both your asses!”
Dawson shared a look with Jaxon. For once, there was nothing but love in his big brother’s eyes. Or maybe it had always been there, and Dawson had just been too guilt ridden to see it. But it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that it was there now.
“I’ll go get the knife.”