31. Maricela
He knows.
He knows.
Killian knows.
I can still see his eyes, stormy and hurt. Hunt for me because of me. I’ve seen a lot of different expressions on my lover’s face. I know how to read them, and I know how to read him. What I saw there today was pure devastation.
I knew that’s what would happen. I knew it, and I didn’t stop it.
“I need to find Killian,” I murmur, but they hear me.
My friends are here with me. Ronen spoke for me, telling the others everything. Raven cried, and Juli said he knew the truth the moment he hugged me when I came back. He has a perspective like no other.
Ronen shakes his head. “You’re not going to him right now. He’s in a rage, and he’s with his friends and his brother. They’ll take care of him, and then and only then you can see him,” Ronen insists, his hand holding mine.
I stare into the distance, seeing nothing and feeling nothing but fear. He knows, he knows, and he left me alone.
I knew it. I knew it. If he learns about... No. I can’t even start to contemplate it.
“Chica, talk to us.” Raven gets up from her chair and hugs me from behind.
Today, her perfume is rich in coconut like she just came from the beach, her blonde hair drapes the side of my face, tickling me, and just like when we were in college, after a brutal day, I let her bestow her love on me. She’s been doing this a lot over the past hour.
Thank goodness they called Marlina to pick up the kids because I don’t think I could see them now.
He knows. He knows. Killian knows.
“Maricela, look at me.” Ronen’s voice sounds distant as if coming from the other side of a tunnel.
“Not again. Do you hear me? Dammit. Not again. What’s your name?” Ronen asks, pushing Raven aside and looking me in the eyes. “What’s your fucking name, Maricela?”
“What’s going on?” Julian asks.
He returned home yesterday. Football season is over, and they gave him two weeks off. He came to support me.
“She’s going into shock. This is just like before,” Ronen explains.
“He knows. He knows...” I whisper to myself, this time out loud. My left leg is starting to bounce. I can’t stop it.
Ronen kneels in front of me, taking both my hands in his.
“You knew this was coming, sweetheart. What Maverick did was a nasty way to get revenge on you, and believe me, he’ll hear from me. But what you do now is tell me your name and what was done to you. Give us the words. Face it.”
Ronen shakes me, forcing me to look at his brown eyes, which I love so much. He’s older, my friend. A few wrinkles have creeped up on his forehead, but he only looks even more handsome.
“Words,” Ronen demands again.
“My name is Maricela.” I sound apathetic even to my own ears.
“What did Franco Fierro do to you?” I flinch at the wolf monster’s name.
He’s suffering now. I know he’s suffering, but is it enough? I added to it that he would lose it all. That’s a must.
“What did Franco Fierro, the father of the man you love, do to you?”
“He took from me,” I admit, not looking at Ronen or the others.
“What did he take from you? The word, say it. You can say it,” he encourages.
“He raped me. He broke my arm and my hand, and he choked me. He almost took it all. He did take it all.”
Raven breaks into sobs again, just like the first time Ronen relayed the story. She wanted to tell Killian, but I made her swear she wouldn’t. He can’t know, I said. But he does.
He knows, and he isn’t here. He’s not with you. You were right all along. He won’t forgive you.
“He didn’t take it all!” Raven says vehemently.
Her entire demeanor has changed, and I see the Fierro bloodline in her. She’s ready to kill the wolf and to make him hurt before she does it, too.
“Listen to me. I won’t tell Killian anything, but look at me, Maricela.” She bends over me, ready to go to war.
“You will not for a second believe that Franco took it all from you. Just look at all you have. The kids, Killian, Maddox, and the two asshole friends of theirs. You’ve got Ronen, Juli, and his parents, who are always on your side, and you have me, too. You have us all, and Franco has only death and cancer. He’s going to die soon, and there’s nothing he can do to avoid it.”
I nod, needing to believe it, to hold on to that fact. The wolf monster is going to die.
“What are we going to do about Maverick?” Juli asks, breaking the silence after I take the last bite of food Ronen prepared for me.
“You can’t keep fucking him, Ron.”
Ronen shrugs. I know he’s angry, but I also know who Maverick is. A master manipulator.
“He needs to pay,” Ronen says after a while. I can be the one who ruins him with just one word from me.”
“And you’ll burn your reputation,” I say, knowing it’s the truth.
Ronen made this restaurant the best in New York. People love to eat here. But no matter how good of a chef he is, gossip is unforgivable in this world. He’ll be a pariah and lose it all.
“We can’t touch him. He knows about the baby, too.” Ronen tells them about my actions then as well. They don’t blame me. They never do.
“What I did... Killian can’t know. It will ruin him. Leave Maverick be.”
“Maricela,” Rav murmurs, “you can’t blame yourself. You were raped. The baby could have been Franco’s.”
She’s hurting because of my actions. I see it in her eyes, no matter what she says aloud. And Killian will be destroyed if he isn’t already.
“Of course, it’s my fault. I hurt myself. I killed my baby. It might have been Killian’s baby as well. I damaged my womb. I have scars. The doctors say that it’s dangerous to try and have a baby now. I took a knife, and I...” The words catch in my throat. “Ask Ronen how he found me,” I say, unable to finish. I don’t look at Ronen. I can’t. I ruined his life as well.
“You were traumatized,” Raven argues.
“Killian will understand. It will hurt him, yes. I know it will. But it’s Killian we’re talking about. He’ll do everything in his power to learn the truth now. You know it. I know it. Killian is a bull when it comes to you. He can’t see past you. He loves you. Get it into your Latina head.”
Raven, ladies and gentlemen. The one who isn’t afraid to say the word.
“You are raped. You did not choose to be in that situation. You were hurt, and you discovered you were pregnant weeks later. You knew it could have easily been your rapist’s. You have no business judging yourself.”
“Raven, I destroyed my uterus. My chances of getting pregnant are slim,” I say again. Even if Killian finds a way to forgive me, I never will.
“Mari—”
“No, Rav. I murdered my child. I didn’t go to the hospital because I knew he would find me and stop me. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill that fucker.”
“And no one can blame you for that, Conejita,” Juli says, calling me by my nickname, the one that usually makes me smile. Only I can’t muster a smile now.
“And if Killian even dares say a word to you about it, I’ll kill him with my bare hands. What Serena and Franco did was beyond terrible, and what happened next was because you couldn’t take it anymore. You have two amazing children. You love them, and you’ll raise them much better than their parents would have.”
I open my mouth to protest, but Juli continues. “Killian can hurt because of what happened to you, but he has no right to be angry with you because none of it is your fault.”
“Can I ask you to do something for me?” Raven cuts in after the speech Juli gave. I nod.
“Even if you can’t tell him, can’t say the words out loud, look at him and tell him, ‘I, Maricela Fernandez, the woman you love, was raped. I can’t tell you everything, but I’m here now.’”
I shake my head at my friend, who is always trying to save the world.
She says, “Then at least hug him today and be there for him. Not because you don’t want him to leave you, but because you need it. Because he needs it. He’s probably with Liam, and they’re no doubt murdering someone.”
“Maybe say that louder,” Ronen interrupts, the sarcasm oozing from him as he glances toward the restaurant that’s just beyond the door to his office.
His kitchen is open, and we can see what’s happening inside the kitchen itself, but at the moment, he only has two regular customers remaining who asked for coffee and dessert. I don’t think they heard us.
The house is quiet when I enter, the only sounds coming from Connie’s favorite children’s show. I take off my shoes and enter the living room, and Connie immediately jumps up to hug me.
“Thank you, Marlina, for taking care of them.”
“It wasn’t hard at all, mi hijita.”
“Aunt Fairy, you’re home. Marlina said you had work to do.” I lean over Connie to push her braid back and kiss her forehead. She smiles big, and I do the same.
“I had a lot of work,” I reply, a yawn following my words.
“That doesn’t sound like fun.”
“Because it wasn’t,” I say genuinely. I don’t like my so-called job. I hate sitting all day and doing nothing but answering phones.
“When I grow up, I want to work with dogs, like Hero.” Hero hears his name and instantly comes to lick Connie and me.
“He always likes to kiss,” she complains but caresses him in return.
Since Hero came to live with us, Connie has been much happier. Killian and I were afraid she wouldn’t be gentle enough with him, even though Hero is a gentle dog for his size. But she’s soft and careful with him and only feeds him what we say is okay. I think it’s because she’s still afraid of being punished.
“He likes to kiss you because he loves you. Have you eaten yet?” Connie nods as I hug her. At first, hugs were foreign to her, as if my sister didn’t hug her enough. From what I know of Serena’s personality, that was probably true.
Even though physical contact doesn’t come naturally to me either, I do everything I would have wanted to be done to me when I was a little girl.
“And where is the little man of the house?” I turn to Amado, who is sitting on Marlina’s lap as if she belongs to him, his eyes half closed.
Marlina smiles. “He’s been an angel. They were both amazing. Don’t worry. I’ve missed spending time with kids this age.”
I always wondered how much she knew, guessing that she knows whatever Pedro does. Never daring to ask, even when I saw her as the mother I never got to know.
“Aunt Maricela.” Connie turns my attention back to her.
“I want to celebrate my birthday.”
That’s right. Her birthday is just a week away. She’ll be five years old, and this is a crucial transition age for her. From what I’ve been told, she’s never celebrated a birthday the way she wanted. Adults who looked down on her always surrounded her.
“Well, that sounds like a great idea. And how do you want to celebrate your birthday?”
I know I need to talk to Killian about this, but I also know I’ll do whatever it takes for her to get the experiences she deserves. Besides, I can’t imagine how our interactions will look going forward.
“Without lots of old people,” Connie says innocently.
Marlina laughs, and I join her before answering. “Don’t you want to invite your uncles to your birthday?”
She puts a thumb to her mouth, which I’ve only seen her do when she’s stressed. The psychologist said not to stop the interactions even when she shows concern and to let her express an opinion no matter what it is. And so, after several moments that seem like an eternity, she says, “My uncles can come, but I also want children.”
“The kids from kindergarten?” All I get is a nod.
“Everyone?”
“Yes. They’re all my friends.”
“Josh, too?”
I know it will be problematic if I don’t invite just one of the twenty-five kids in her class, but I don’t want to make her feel insecure on her birthday.
“Yes.”
“Are you sure, Connie? You can tell me if he’s bullied you again. You know that, right?”
She shakes her head emphatically. “He’s not bad too.”
“How so?”
“Josh isn’t bad. He just thinks Ubcle Killian is bad.”
While most of the time she speaks fluently in English, and without any apparent mistakes, she sometimes loses her well-spoken ways when she’s nervous.
“What do you think about your uncle? About all your uncles.”
“They’re good. They love me. But Daddy... Did daddy love me?”
How do I answer this kind of question? With honesty, I decide.
“Your daddy wasn’t someone I knew well. He supported me while I was in college, but I didn’t really get to know him. I don’t think he was all bad. Can I tell you something?”
She nods like one of those dashboard puppies.
“I don’t think people are all good or all bad. Everyone can make bad decisions.”
“Even you?”
If you only knew my little angel. I’m bad as well. “Even me. I don’t know anybody who hasn’t made mistakes.”
She smiles at that. “So, we can invite Joshua too?”
“Let me speak with your Uncle Killian, and we’ll make sure you get the party you want.”
“I like you and Uncle Killian,” she cheers and runs to her room.
She does that a lot, too, seeking shelter in her room. Just like me. I’m starting to see that these kids have parts of me, parts of Killian, and, of course, their father and mother. They are the best of each of us.
His scent surrounds me before I feel his weight on the bed beside me. The warmth of his body envelops me, and I let him embrace me. Neither of us speak for a long time, each deep in our thoughts.
The words I want to say to him, all the truth I want to spill, even knowing that he’ll never be able to look me in the eyes again, are on the tip of my tongue. I can only imagine what he’s thinking, but I know that no matter what he imagines in his head, it’s nowhere near the truth. He could never imagine the truth because the truth is so horrible that no one wants to think about it.
When my job took me to Africa, I met a tribe where women were the hierarchy. There, a woman can marry several men, and those men look after the children alongside the woman.
While with them, I told the story of my mother, showing them a world that probably seemed like a distant fairy tale. This tribe had no telephone equipment or any advanced technology, but there was love, brotherhood, cruelty, and even jealousy.
I remember one of the women wanted a particular man, but another woman took him for herself.
The man had no choice, and I could tell he didn’t want to lie down and enjoy the other woman, but he did. I don’t know why, but at that moment, I compared his situation to what was done to me.
They say you can’t rape men, but I saw the sorrow on both sides, especially the sorrow of that man.
He didn’t want to sleep with the woman who chose him first. He wanted to be with someone else. But because of the dictates of his culture, he was essentially sold for his body.
This is not what happened to me. In our culture, this is unacceptable. Yet, a man takes what he isn’t offered daily. And no matter how careful women are, how they dress, or how they choose to behave, they are still prey in the modern world.
Maybe even more so because in our world, there is more judgment and demands on women than on men. We can fight for equality and power all we want, but in the end, if the other side doesn’t stand with us, it will never happen.
“I can hear you thinking from here,” Killian whispers into my ear. My whole body is instantly covered in goosebumps. His every touch is like medicine for my soul.
“I won’t ask you for his name. Not now. I know you won’t give it to me.”
The breath that comes out of me is like a burden I didn’t realize I was holding on to.
“Killian,” I start, but he touches my lips and halts my words.
I can’t see him from this angle as he’s spooning me from behind, enveloping me, and emphasizing how small and powerless I am compared to him. Yet I’m comforted and feel more secure with him than ever before. I know this about him. I always knew.
“I want you to listen to me, and then I’ll let you talk. I want to know the truth. I want to tear the world apart for you. Anyone who hurts you has to pay, and I’m on that list, too, maybe at the top. I’m ready to give you the whole world, my heart on a platter if that’s what you need to return to the woman I know you are.”
I try to speak again, but his fingers are still on my lips, pressing harder. Only when I relax my lips does he continue.
“I just want you to know that I’m here, with all my cruelty. I want you to know that you’re not to blame. You’re strong, much more than I used to think you were, and you are the best woman I know.”
His every word makes my heart soar. If only he knew.
“No matter what you did or who hurt you, you need to understand that I will always be by your side.”
“Even if I’m the one who hurt myself?” Even if it hurt us both, I want to ask but don’t dare say those words aloud.
“You’re here, and that’s all that matters. You’re here. Do you hear me?” He pulls me tighter against him and nuzzles into my neck.
“You’ve faced everything this disgusting life has to offer, and I want to offer you peace. The peace I know you deserve, although I don’t know if I can. I’m not a good man, Maricela. You know that, and I’ve never hidden it from you. But you have to understand that I’m not good enough to let you and these kids go. You three are mine. And I’ll give you all I can.”
“I know,” I whisper.
“I know,” I say again,and after another long stretch of silence between us, we eventually fall into sleep.
And for the first time in forever, I don’t think about all the bad things that could happen tomorrow.