Chapter 34 #2
I can barely hear over the frantic pulsing in my ears, but it doesn’t matter, because everything about this moment is wrong, and I need, need, need to hug him. He doesn’t fight me when I put my thighs over his and wrap my arms around his torso to hold him close.
As soon as my cheek settles on his chest, I’m overcome by a sense of peace only comparable with how I felt in his arms.
This is where I’m meant to be. This man soothes all my hurts and aches.
He makes me feel safe and loved, and I repaid him by causing all this misery.
I sense the sobs ripping out of his throat in whole-body shudders as his firm arms weave around me the way his shadow had and, oh, this is how I want to feel for the rest of my life.
How did I not see that he wasn’t standoffish?
All this time, he was trying to be strong for me, and I took it for anger.
“Maybe it’s just this place,” he utters, “but I can’t fight this sorrow. I failed you, and I will never wash off the shame of that. And you will always hurt because of it. I was supposed to protect you, and I failed.”
“No,” I rasp and cup his damp face with both hands, my nose gathering tears off his cheeks.
“You didn’t fail me. You did your best. What happened was only Gloombane’s fault, and if you hadn’t saved me from him, maybe he’d have gone through with his threats and fed me to sea creatures.
You saved me, Tristan, you gave me a new life,” I whisper, my voice cracking when I sob.
I was so selfish.
He’s done everything he could, but I was so desperate to wallow in my pain and find someone to blame for it that he now has to wrestle this guilt.
“My best wasn’t good enough. I should have seen the signs.
I shouldn’t have let him bond with you when he acted displeased.
I was naive to let you go with him, and then dumb enough to not read what was plain to see in the letters.
” Tears fall down his cheeks in endless rivulets I’m desperate to stop.
“Tristan,” I whisper, pressing our foreheads together as his hug tightens. “No! I forbid you from saying such things. Because I love you so much, and I can’t stand you talking like this about yourself.”
My heart skips a beat when his golden eyes meet mine. “Me? You love me? Even now, I burdened you further…”
I lean in for a kiss. It’s messy, wet with our tears, but the sweetness of it feeds the hole in my chest, and all I want is to mend this beautiful thing I broke. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Tristan. Of course I love you. You’re my hero. I would be dead if it wasn’t for you!”
“Gloombane might have—”
“No. You pulled me out from the river when I was dying, Tristan. You saved me and Lady. I was only ever yours.”
His eyes are puffy, his face wet and red, but a smile still shyly appears on his lips. “I love you. I meant it last night.”
“And I love you,” I repeat, braver now and more certain in the decision growing inside me.
For weeks now, I’ve been mourning the perfect happily ever after for my knight and myself, and I’ve been so self-absorbed in my grief that I refused to look at how much Tristan has been hurt by everything that happened.
My gentle, chivalrous Tristan, who tracked down a real-life unicorn for me, despite knowing it would break his heart.
The decision was a mistake, but I will never again doubt him.
“Marry me, Tristan.”
He rubs away some tears from his eyes and sniffs. “You can’t mean it…” he says with so much hope, looking at me like I’m made of gold.
When I first speak, I’m confident I’ll be able to keep my voice level, but it’s just an illusion, and it shrinks halfway through the sentence.
“I miss you. You are here, and I still miss you. Your warmth is no longer there to reassure me whenever I need it. Even when you lived in my darn wall, I fell asleep, soothed by your heartbeat. Please, if you can forgive me… let’s do it.
The full moon is all we need, right?” I ask, gesturing at the beautiful silver orb above.
His eyes grow wider, and he strokes the hair that sticks out from under my hat. “That only matters for the Dark Companion kind of marriage.”
Does he still not understand?
“Yes. Do you still want me?” From shyness, I’m turning to desperation. I trust him. I want him. In all ways.
“Of… of course. I just… I thought you didn’t want this kind of bond.” He grabs my hand and squeezes it tightly. As always, he’s asking me, caring about me, but I can sense how much he craves this. Not just my shadow, which we both know is pretty useless, but me.
I’ve never felt like this about anyone, and I don’t think I ever will again. He will always be the only one for me.
“I also thought that, but I was wrong. And selfish, and I just want…” My dreams about true love and commitment always caused smirks and doubtful shrugs, as if it wasn’t something I should even bother hoping for.
But this is exactly what Tristan offers.
I want to be his spouse and for him to meet my grandparents.
“I want everyone to know how much we mean to each other. I want to wear your colors and be your Dark Companion, even though my shadow’s not very impressive. You can be strong enough for us both.”
Tristan takes my hand and slides it into his coat at the chest, settling my palm over his drumming heart.
“Do you feel this? It beats for you only. I cannot promise to be perfect, I will make mistakes, but always, you will be at the front of my heart and mind. Can you trust me, despite all my flaws?”