Chapter 34
Chapter thirty-four
Terry
Ben cradles Bailey in his arms. He’s fast asleep, snuggled in baby blue blankets. “It’s been a long time since I’ve done this,” my old friend says. “I can’t believe my children used to be this small. Where does the time go?”
I’m not sure if he’s speaking to me or himself. His gaze is fixed on my son―he’s mesmerized by the sleeping baby. For all his faults, Ben is and always has been an incredible father.
“How are things going with you and Abigail?” he asks.
“As well as you can expect them to be going,” I mumble. “Going fucking nowhere.”
“What does that mean?”
“We’re not together,” I tell him. “She says she doesn’t find me attractive in that way. She wants us to be platonic friends and raise our son together. As a team.”
I hold my hands up to signal quotation marks as I mimic her words. He looks at me and his lips thin, but he volunteers no opinion on my situation. He probably thinks I deserve it.
The silence stretches for a few beats, heavy judgment simmering beneath his calm exterior. Things haven’t worked out as I hoped they would. Karma is biting hard.
“And how does that work when you live together?” He gives me a curious look.
I hate when he does that: watches your every move.
You always feel as though he’s assessing you to be diagnosed.
It must be a doctor thing. “I imagine it’s difficult, to say the least. Do you want to try to have a physical relationship with her?
She is the mother of your son, after all. ”
Relieved to have someone to talk to about this, a weight I didn’t realize I was carrying eases. Ben is one of my oldest friends. We’ve had our ups and downs, but he’s the closest thing to a brother I have.
Since I left Amy, our friendship has been fragile. A glass barrier between us, ready to crack, shatter even.
He couldn’t understand my reasons, and he’s loyal to his sister-in-law, my ex-wife. My actions put him in a tricky situation, and I’m lucky to have maintained our bond. At one point, I thought he was going to cut ties.
“I hoped to try. We came together because of a joint dream, which we’ve realized.
He’s here.” I gesture to my sleeping son.
“But as soon as she fell pregnant, the physical part of our relationship ended. I assumed it was hormones. I can’t imagine women being particularly horny when they’re pregnant. ”
Ben huffs a quiet laugh, shaking his head.
“In my experience,” he says, “women are incredibly horny when they’re pregnant. Insatiable at certain points, if my memory serves me right. It was quite an enjoyable time for me. Most of it.”
“Your experience is very different to mine then,” I mutter, annoyed.
“My situation was different. But it wasn’t perfect, as you know. I’m in no position to advise you on how to move forward with this. It saddens me, though.” He pauses as if considering what to say next. We sit in silence for a minute. “Forget it.”
“What were you going to say?” I prompt. He waves his hand at me to ignore him. “Ben, just spit it out.”
“Okay,” he says quietly. “Things would have been very different if you and Amy had created this little man. It upsets me that you both never got to experience that. Together. A child made from love is a beautiful thing.”
“Amy,” I say with a sigh. “Fuck, I miss her. Trying to create a child caused us nothing but heartache. I wanted nothing more than to have a baby with her. She’ll always be the woman I love. My soulmate.”
“Do you regret your choice to leave?” he asks.
“Yes, and no.” I shrug. This is something I’ve thought about a lot, whether I made the right decision. “If I hadn’t left, I would never have become a father. The thought of never having Bailey isn’t worth thinking about.”
I glance at my friend holding my son, my love for Bailey overflowing.
“What I regret most is breaking her heart to realize my own dream. Thinking back, I’m not sure how I walked away. She looked so broken. I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive myself for that. Sometimes, I wonder if I started the chain reaction which caused her to lose the gym. Her dream.”
“Amy is fine, Terry,” Ben says, his tone sharp. He squares his shoulders slightly as if getting ready for battle. “What you did to her was unforgivable.”
My eyes pop from my head. I thought we had gotten past this, but obviously not.
“But I think you’re placing too much importance on yourself if you think you’ve ruined her life. Don’t give yourself so much credit. Amy’s a strong woman, and she’s moving forward, albeit in a different direction.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I snap, annoyed by the change in tone of our conversation.
“It means you made your bed. Bloody lie in it. Amy gave up the gym through choice. She wanted something different from life. Everything got on top of her, and she needed a change… a fresh start.” He lets the words settle like dust. “And,” he says, “I think she may have found the fresh start she was looking for.”
My spirits fall. I know what that means―she’s met someone. I have no right to be jealous, but the emotion hits me like a freight train.
“Who?” I bark, louder than intended.
“Keep your voice down,” he whispers angrily, then looks at Bailey. “Ivan someone. He owns a gym or something.”
My jaw drops at his name. She’s dating that stuck-up asshole.
Ben frowns. “Do you know him?”
“I’ve met him,” I say, my blood boiling. “He’s a dickhead.”
“Well, he seemed perfectly pleasant to me when I met him.”
“You’ve met him? Are you all having fucking family gatherings or something?” He gives me a dark look.
“No, but you’ve heard about what happened to Katie?”
I shake my head, and his face falls.
“She’s in a hospital in New York after an accident on Christmas Day.”
“I didn’t know,” I say, throat tight. “Is she all right?”
“She’s not woken up yet, but the doctors think she will be. It’s a long story,” he says with a sigh. “But, anyway, Amy was devastated when she found out. Ivan came to pick her up from here. They seemed close.”
“Fuck,” I whisper, “I never saw that one coming. Of all the people I thought Amy would get with, he never even crossed my mind.”
“From what she said, she’s more surprised than anyone.” He chuckles. “They hated each other, but it seems to be going well so far. It’s early days, I think. They’re in Thailand just now.”
“Thailand!” I shout, and Bailey wriggles in his blankets.
“Bloody hell, Terry. You need to work on your quiet voice, or you’ll never get any sleep.
” He rocks my son gently in his arms until he settles again.
“Yes, Thailand for a few days, I believe. She was really looking forward to it. He’s treating her well.
I’m happy to see her happy for a change. She’s not had a break since Bex…”
He trails off, unable to finish the sentence. I’m sure I see his heartbreak all over again at the mention of her name. He’ll never move on from his loss. Ben still wallows in his grief, though he hides it well.
“But…” I go to argue, and he holds up a hand to silence me.
“Don’t,” he snaps. “Don’t tell me he’s not good enough for her. She’s smiling, that’s what matters. She’s happy. Be bloody pleased for her. You didn’t expect her to hang around for you, did you?” He raises his eyebrows, challenging me.
Perhaps part of me did.
I place my head in my hands as I sit on the couch. Despair washes over me.
“I always knew she’d meet someone,” I mumble. “At one point, I thought maybe you and her would get together.”
I look up at him, fighting a laugh, his mouth twitching.
“Me and Amy?” He bursts out laughing. “Come on, Terry. Fuck's sake, she’s like my sister. Plus, we would murder each other. I love her, but bloody hell, she’s a pain in the ass.”
His smile recedes until his brows draw together as he thinks. “I preferred my sister. Bex was my Corrigan girl,” he says, softly. “Bloody Corrigan women are impossible to forget.”
The mood in the room sinks with him.
“Do you think you’ll ever date again?” I ask.
“I don’t think I could even if I wanted to try,” he says.
“Bex is still here, all around me. Packing her away has never crossed my mind. She told me she wanted me to find someone, but I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else.
What we had was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and anything else would fall short.
I’m not sure that’s fair on me or the other person involved. ”
A once-in-a-lifetime thing. His words resonate and hit home. Hard. I threw away my once-in-a-lifetime love with Amy. Perhaps I deserve to live in a loveless relationship as payment for having my son.