Legacy
LEGACY
I sat at my computer desk, feeling more relaxed and content than I had in years. Being with Bless the night before had rejuvenated me, given me a sense of calmness I hadn’t been able to achieve on my own in years.
Finally, Ebony appeared on the screen.
“You seem… different today, .” I chuckled, causing the curiosity in her gaze to deepen. “What’s going on? What’s the source of this change and mischief that I see in your eyes?”
A guilty smirk crept through my beard. “I… uh… I slept with Bless last night.”
Ebony’s eyes ballooned. “Wow. Okay.”
I chuckled shamefully.
“This is big. You’ve been struggling with your lingering feelings for her for quite some time.”
I nodded slowly. “I have.”
“What does this mean? Are you two back together?”
“I don’t know what it means,” I replied, causing her brow to furrow with interest. “We didn’t… We didn’t talk much.”
I had envisioned conquering that pussy again over and over again for the last five years. Each time that I had lived out that fantasy in my head, afterward, she and I were back together. But this morning, as we got the kids ready for school, we were back to being co-parents with distance between us. She wasn’t cold, however, and I understood her not wanting to confuse the kids since they’d been affected by our break up as well. But I had expected for us to at least steal a few flirtatious glances and to touch each other behind the kids’ backs. Yet, there was nothing. I hadn’t been able to read her before I left to take the kids to school.
Ebony’s head bobbed up and down slowly as she sat back in her chair. “What do you want it to have meant?”
I shrugged, helplessly. “I didn’t know what to expect, honestly. I was caught up in the moment. I took advantage of a moment to tell her how I’ve been feeling, and then I just started to vomit my feelings. She kissed me, and I assumed she still wanted me. I’ve been feenin’ for her for years and I was so focused on being intimate with her again that I didn’t think about having a talk with Bless first about what it would mean if we had sex again.”
Ebony nodded, encouraging me to continue.
“Now, I don’t know if the sex meant that there’s a possibility of us getting back together or if it was just sex to her or maybe even a mistake.” I purposely left out that I also wondered if it was just hero worship because of what I did to Raja.
Ebony leaned forward slightly. “Did Bless say anything afterward?”
“She was vague and avoided me as we got the kids ready for school. I understand her apprehension because of all the pain I’ve caused her and the kids. But I’m hoping that since she was intimate with me, a door is open that I never thought would even have a crack in it again.”
Ebony gave me a sympathetic nod. “Bless’ actions are likely influenced by a mixture of lots of emotions. Given the history you two share, it’s natural for her to have reservations. Here’s what I suggest: First, have a heartfelt and honest conversation with her. Express your feelings and ask her how she feels about what happened. Communication is key to understanding each other’s expectations and intentions.”
"I've been wrestling with the urge to call or text Bless to have a conversation with her. But I can’t handle being rejected. I understand that a night of sweet sentiments and sex won't fix what I broke, but I don't know if she feels like it can’t be fixed. I'm not ready to hear from Bless that we are irreparable if that's how she feels. I can't handle that kind of disappointment right now."
Ebony nodded thoughtfully. "I understand your fear. It's natural to be afraid of rejection, especially when it involves someone you still love so deeply. However, avoiding the conversation won't give you the clarity you need. It's important to face this fear head-on to move forward, whether it's towards reconciliation or acceptance."
I shifted in my chair. The thought of accepting that we were truly over made tension grow wildly in my chest. "But what if she tells me that we can't fix this? What if she says it's over for good?"
Ebony leaned forward. Her voice was gentle but firm as she told me, "You need to prepare yourself for all possibilities. Avoiding the conversation won't make the reality any different. It will only prolong your uncertainty and anxiety. If Bless does feel that the relationship is irreparable, it will hurt, but it will also provide you with the closure you need to focus on your healing and personal growth. Whether the outcome is positive or negative, you'll have the information you need to move forward."
"I don’t know if I would be able to move forward if the outcome is negative. I really can't get Bless off my mind now. I’m even more obsessed than I was before," I confessed, running a hand through my hair in frustration. "Especially now, after last night. It's like she's all I can think about."
As Ebony smiled, a dose of admiration splashed in her eyes. "It's natural to feel that way, especially given your history and the recent intimacy. But I have a suggestion that might help you navigate these feelings."
I eagerly leaned forward. "What?"
"Until you know where Bless stands, I recommend that you avoid having sex with her again. Physical intimacy can complicate things, especially when there are unresolved emotions and uncertainties. It's important to have a clear understanding of her feelings and intentions before adding that layer to your relationship."
I groaned a bit. "I get that, but it's hard. Being with her last night felt... right ."
"I understand," Ebony said. "But engaging in physical intimacy without knowing where her mind is can lead to more confusion and potential heartbreak. You both need to communicate openly about what you want and where you see your relationship going."
I frowned, defiantly disappointed. "So, I have to have this hard-ass conversation with her before I can hit—”
“Unt uh!” Ebony laughed. “I don’t need any details.”
I chuckled and shrugged. “I’m just saying.”
Still laughing, she told me, "Have an honest conversation with Bless about your feelings and ask her about hers. Let her know that you're committed to understanding where she stands and that you want to take things slowly to ensure you're both on the same page. This approach shows respect for her feelings and your own emotional well-being. Taking this step will help you build a stronger foundation for your relationship, whether it leads to reconciliation or understanding. And remember, focusing on your sobriety and personal growth is crucial during this time. Showing Bless that you're committed to positive change will speak volumes."
I took a deep breath as I cautiously entered the hospital room. The sterile scent of antiseptic hit my nose. Faint beeping of machines accompanied my footsteps. My eyes scanned the room, taking in the sight of my father hooked up to various monitors. He looked pale and frail. Tubes and wires connected him to the machines monitoring his heart rate and blood pressure. An IV drip was attached to his arm, and the soft hiss of oxygen flowed through the nasal cannula.
Relief filled me when I realized my mother wasn’t there. Instead, my father was awake, his eyes turning to me as I approached his bedside. He looked tired, but I appreciated that he was alert.
His tired eyes gleamed when he saw me.
I grinned as I approached him. “What’s up, old man? You trying to check out on us already?”
He chuckled weakly. “So you and your mom can live rich off of my life insurance? Hell no. Y’all got a long time to wait before you can cash that check.”
I scoffed humorously. “I’ll hold you to that.”
I sat down in the chair next to his bed. “I wasn’t here when you woke up because Ma didn’t want me to be. I didn’t want to make things worse for her.”
His eyes were filled with understanding and sympathy as he nodded. “I know. I’m sorry. I know she can be difficult and I hate that for you.”
I shrugged a shoulder. “It’s cool. I’ve had to grow very thick skin since Ri’s murder. And I know that your unexpected stroke right before the anniversary of Ri’s death made Ma lose it.”
Agreeing, my father nodded. “She’s hurting too, but she’s going too damn far. She’s been taking it out on you because she doesn’t know how else to cope. And that’s not fair.”
I swallowed hard. “Part of the reason why I tried so hard to change was so she could see me differently, to make her see me again. But it feels like no matter how long I’m sober, no matter how long I’ve been legit and successful, I’m never enough.”
“You are enough, son,” he said firmly, reaching out to grasp my hand with surprising strength. “You’ve been doing your best, and I see that. Your mother will come around in time. She loves you even if she can’t show it right now.”
I nodded, feeling a lump form in my throat. “I just… I just want us to be a family again.”
“We will be,” he assured me. “It’ll take time, but we’ll get there. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Stay strong. And remember I’m proud of you enough for me, your mama, and Ri.”
I squeezed his hand. “Thanks, Pops. It means a lot.”
Bless had been a sweet distraction from how my mother had acted the night before. But looking at my father, realizing that he could have died and I wouldn’t have been there made my chest swell with rage and disappointment. At first, I understood my mother’s anger towards me. But as the years went by, it was as if she wanted to punish someone for Ri’s death, and she’d chosen me.
To force back the emotions brewing, I glanced around the room, taking in the sterile white walls, the small TV mounted in the corner, and the array of medical equipment around us. “Did the doctors say when you can come home?” I asked.
“Friday, hopefully,” he replied. “Just to make sure everything is stable and to start some physical therapy. Hope I get a cute, young therapist.”
My brow arched dramatically. “Oh yeah?”
Dad’s eyes danced with mischief. “Yeah. Give me something nice to look at.”
“And what your wife gonna say about that?”
He shrugged a shoulder. “I ain’t worried about that, and you shouldn’t be either.”