Bless
BLESS
I looked up at the ceiling, struggling for a steady breath. Legacy had ridden me for an hour, tossing and turning me around as if I didn’t weigh nearly two-hundred and twenty pounds. My once perfect bob was now all over my head. My skin was dripping with sweat. My eyes were also threatening to leak. But it wasn’t a result of the multiple orgasms that had jolted through my needy body. It was because of the way Legacy now looked down on me as he held me around my stomach. Still trying to catch his own breath after finally coming to a finish, he searched my eyes with orbs that reflected so much love for me.
“Will you come to a therapy session with me?”
My brow wrinkled at such a daunting but touching request. “Why?”
“So we can have the conversation we need to have with help.”
“What conversation do we need to have?”
He smiled with one corner of his mouth. “Let’s not play games with each other, . I want you back, baby. I know it won’t be easy. I know that there are things we need to address so we can heal before getting back together can even be considered a real possibility. But I want to try.”
My eyes swelled with tears. I had been waiting five years to hear these words, yet for those same five years, I had also been terrified of them.
“I don’t feel whole without you.”
His beautiful confession caused me to burst into tears. Sitting up, I covered by face and began to sob.
He sat up, slowly. “….”
“Stop, Legacy. Please stop. Just go.”
“No,” he snapped, refusing. “I’m not going to let you push me away again. I know you still love me. You haven’t moved on and neither have I because we love each other.”
The kindness and unconditional love in his words crushed me. With each promise, the guilt consumed me.
“I put you and our family, through some shit, I know. But I was sick. I had no idea the damage that depression could do. Hell, I didn’t even know what depression was. It won for a while, but I beat that shit. I was mad at you for taking my family from me, but I understand why you did. You had every right to do it so I could get the help I—”
“Riley might not be yours.” I inhaled sharply in disbelief that my thoughts had actually left my mouth so bluntly and without forethought. My eyes ballooned wildly as they found Legacy.
The hurt in his eyes was unimaginable. I immediately began to grieve for the man he had become as it looked like my truth had pushed him back to being the man who used to search for something to numb the pain.
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to get worse—”
The hurt and sense of betrayal etched itself even deeper into his expression. “So, you knew before I left for rehab?”
“Yes,” I confirmed tearfully. “It was a mistake. It was one time. And I was honestly so drunk that—”
“Did he rape you?” There was a hint of hope in his eyes.
I looked up at the ceiling, shaking my head but shrugging. “I don’t know. I was so fucking drunk. I knew what was happening, but I was so drunk and so mad. I was out of it. You and I had just gotten into an argument, and I felt so helpless—”
“I can’t listen to this.” Clearly disgusted, he winced.
As he got out of bed, I started to hyperventilate. I watched him begin to slowly dress, obvious hurt weighing so heavily on him that his shoulders slumped.
“I love you,” I promised. “I always have. I never stopped loving—”
“Is that why you left me?” Betrayal made his chest heave with rapid, shallow breaths, each rise and fall revealing the depth of his pain.
“I left you because I had to for me and the kids. I left because you wanted me to have her, and I couldn’t care for a newborn while raising Eden and Zara and taking care of you. I couldn't have told you the truth. That would have made things so much worse for you. And when you begged me to have her, I knew if I didn’t, you would spiral even more out of control. Then you went to rehab and started getting clean. I couldn’t get rid of her then. I didn’t want to hinder your sobriety so—”
His laughter was cynical as he threw his shirt over his head. “So, you’re telling me that you had Riley for me .”
“Yes!” I shouted, hoping that I hadn’t awakened the kids. “ Yes . I could have used any excuse not to have her, but I went through the pregnancy because I didn’t want to negatively affect your recovery. You know how much you love your kids. It would have crushed you had I terminated that pregnancy, just as it would have crushed you had I been honest about cheating. I didn’t know what else to do.”
A thunderstorm of anger and yearning danced in Legacy’s eyes as he just looked at me.
“That’s why I never said anything.” Tears streamed down my face, blurring my vision until all I could see was a vague silhouette of him, watching me with disappointment. “And that’s why in all these years, I have never said anything about how much I still love you, how obsessed I am with you, how much I breathe you.” I sobbed, watching him with desperate pleading eyes. “I’ve always wanted you back. I am not complete, this family is not complete without you, but I can’t have that without being honest with you.”
He turned away. “I can’t believe this shit.”
I sharply inhaled the regret as he charged out of the bedroom. Consumed with guilt, I covered my face with shame, muffling my cries and wailing aloud when I heard the door slam behind him.