17. Bless
CHAPTER 17
BLESS
M y body was wracked with sobs as I stared at the positive pregnancy test in my hand. Tears streamed down my face as I sat on the toilet. I was literally sick with guilt and worry. My stomach churned with the burden of the secret I’d been carrying since the day I cheated on Legacy. Ever since that night, guilt had been gnawing at me. No matter what Legacy had done, he had never stooped this low. Even though he was still using the pills and evidence of his addiction was taking over our relationship, surprisingly, he was doing better financially. He had been able to help with my college graduation fees and had even thrown me a small graduation party.
I took my phone from the toilet tank. My hands trembled as I scrolled through my call log. I found Mazi’s number. I hadn’t spoken to him since, and both of his numbers had remained blocked. Desperate, I unblocked the number and dialed it, hoping I wouldn’t have to convince him to give me the money to terminate the pregnancy. Though Legacy was doing better financially, his money still wasn’t what it used to be and bills were still backed up, so every dollar in our household was accounted for.
My heart pounded in my chest as I waited for Mazi to pick up. Finally, a guy answered, and my words immediately started to spill out in a frantic rush. "Mazi, this is Bless. We met—"
“Wait, shorty,” he interjected. “This isn’t Mazi. This is his brother. Mazi...” He cleared his throat and forced out, “Mazi was killed a few days ago.”
His words hit me like a punch to the gut. “Oh... Okay... I’m sorry,” I mumbled with my voice barely audible.
Mind reeling, I hung up the phone.
Guilt, shame, and embarrassment crashed down on me. I clutched the pregnancy test, my sobs intensifying as I sat there on the toilet. I rocked back and forth, my body shaking with the force of my cries. No matter what Legacy had put us through recently, it had never been this. He was truly suffering, and as a result, he had fallen victim to pills to numb his pain. But I had allowed another man to make me feel better. My betrayal felt so much more damning.
My sobs echoed off the bathroom walls. After the night I cheated, I avoided sleeping with Legacy for a few days, which was easy since I was already upset with him. In reality, I was waiting for the STD results to come back from the test I’d taken the day after I cheated. When I woke up that morning, I realized I had no idea if Mazi had worn a condom or not. The nurse at Planned Parenthood had advised me to get checked for HIV again in three months because it could take that long to show a positive result. So, when Legacy and I started having sex again, I told him to wear condoms because we weren't in a financial state to have another baby. Legacy's mental state was too altered for him to argue with me.
My sobs consumed me so completely that I didn't even hear Legacy come in. Our eyes met as he stood in the doorway. He was visibly shocked to see the tears streaming down my cheeks. He rushed in, worry etched across his face. I quickly tossed the pregnancy test into the trash, hoping he wouldn’t notice. He came in and dropped to his knees in front of me.
He wrapped his arms around me tightly. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I know I've put you through so much. I've been trying, Bless, I swear."
The fact that he thought my tears were about him made me cry even harder. He held me tighter, his grip desperate. "You're probably right. I'm depressed. Something changed in me when Ri was killed. I hate myself for falling victim to something as small as a pill. I should've been stronger than…” He paused and let me go.
I wiped my face, trying to calm down. I watched him as he curiously looked behind me, his eyes landing on the trash can. My heart dropped when he reached for something and held the pregnancy test up to his face.
"You're pregnant?"
My head lowered shamefully. I couldn’t hide the regret that spilled from my eyes. “I… uh…”
“You weren’t going to tell me?” His voice was filled with confusion and hurt.
I stuttered nervously, unable to figure out what to say. "I-I... I was trying to figure out how to tell you that I don't think we should keep it. We aren't in the position to have another baby."
His eyes filled with desperation. " Please , Bless, don't do that. I promise I'll get clean. I'll be the man you need me to be. Just, please, keep the baby."
I could see the frantic need in his eyes. The raw plea for a chance to make things right spilled from his eyes as he watched me. Despite everything, Legacy had always been a loving father. We were so young when I got pregnant with Eden and Zara, but he never once suggested termination. I knew that if I terminated this pregnancy, it would send him into a deeper depression. He would assume I had made the decision because of his addiction. He would blame himself for the loss of this child.
Reluctantly, I nodded, unable to commit any other disloyalties behind his back. "Okay, Legacy. I'll keep the baby."
That night, I was in the closet, putting away our clothes that I had just folded. My mind was consumed with thoughts of being stuck with this pregnancy, not knowing who the father was. I felt trapped in a situation that had no way out.
I grabbed a stack of folded T-shirts and tried to put them on a high shelf. As I stretched to reach, I lost my balance and fell, bringing down shoe boxes, shoes, and purses along with it and on top of me.
Groaning in frustration, I stood up, brushing myself off. The mess around me felt like a metaphor for my life—chaotic and overwhelming. I began picking up the fallen items, grumbling under my breath. As I moved a box, something caught my eye. Scattered among the shoes and purses were wads of money and bags of drugs.
My heart sank. This was a lot, too much for Legacy to have gotten on his own. He was no longer a hustler of this magnitude. I recalled the gossip I had heard about Aesop being robbed. Everyone thought it was someone he must have known because not many people knew that spot was a trap house. I had even heard rumors that Aesop felt like Legacy had done it. He wasn’t at Smoke’s birthday party, and many knew of his habit. But Legacy had sworn he didn’t do it and there hadn’t been proof of him having the amount of money and drugs that Aesop was missing.
I sat back on my heels, staring at all of the bills and product around me. Anger and betrayal bubbled up inside me. Legacy had to have been the one who’d robbed Aesop. That was the only way he could have gotten this much money and drugs. I couldn’t believe that he had been so desperate that he would put all of our lives in danger by robbing a hustler on Aesop’s level.
Suddenly, Legacy rushed into the closet. His face was filled with concern as he asked, "Bless, are you okay? I heard you fall."
I looked up at him, tears streaming down my face. "You have to go, Legacy," I choked out. "I can't do this anymore."
He looked at me, confused. "Why? What's going on?"
I held up some of the bills and baggies, my hands shaking. "You robbed Aesop, didn't you?"
He tried to deny it, shaking his head. "No, I didn’t—"
"Please don't make this worse by insulting my intelligence."
He fell silent, guilt written all over his face. I saw the truth in his eyes, the desperation and shame.
"Our relationship is over, Legacy," I said, my voice breaking. "I can't trust you anymore. You know what it means if he finds out it was you. Niggas get killed for less every fucking day! Can you stomach it if the kids or I become innocent bystanders in your shit?! No! Because Ri getting caught up in your life is already killing you!”
He flinched, lowering his head.
My heart softened, causing my voice to lower with love and concern. “This isn’t you. This is the drugs. You need help, but I can’t give it to you. Obviously, I can’t help fix this.”
He stared at me with eyes filled with sorrow and helplessness. The man I’d fallen in love with was buried beneath layers of addiction and despair, and I finally realized that staying together was only dragging us both down.
"You have to get out," I repeated firmly, despite my heartbroken tears. "You need to leave. Your addiction is destroying everything. I need to protect myself and the kids."
Legacy's shoulders slumped. He looked at me with eyes that once held so much promise and love. Now, they were clouded with regret and pain.
"Please, Bless," he whispered, but there was no fight left in his voice.
"I’m sorry," I said softly, my heart breaking as I watched him. "I love you, but I can't do this anymore."
He nodded slowly, the reality sinking in. He turned and walked out of the closet, leaving me surrounded by the remnants of our shattered life. I sank to the floor, the tears coming harder now, the sobs wracking my body. It felt like a part of me was being torn away, but I knew it was the right thing to do for me, for the kids, and for him.
A few days later, I stood at the front door, letting Legacy into the house. The night I broke up with him, he'd taken a lot of things, but not everything. I knew that he thought my anger would blow over and I would let him come back home. But as the days passed, I felt lighter. I missed him with every fiber of my being. Legacy had been woven into the fabric of my existence for so long that I couldn’t remember who I was before him. I loved him with a depth that defied words. He was the air I breathed, the reason my heart beat. I lived for him, and without him, I felt an aching void that nothing could fill. But, since he’d left, I realized I felt free from having to nurse him, from having to face him while possibly carrying another man's baby.
I only allowed Legacy to come over to get the rest of his things. As he walked in, my heart sank. I could see that he was high. His eyes were glazed, and his movements were slow and unsteady. But he had sense enough to shamefully avoid my stern glare.
I turned away from him, unable to bear the sight, and walked into the living room.
He disappeared into the bedroom, and I could hear the sounds of him going through drawers, followed by rustling in the closet. Tears collected at my eyelids, threatening to spill over. I didn't want to do this. The thought of leaving Legacy and taking the kids away would only add to his suffering, deepening his sense of loss. My stomach churned with the weight of it all.
A few minutes later, he followed me in. His voice trembled as he begged, "Please, Bless, don't leave me. You and the kids are all I have."
I steeled myself, determined not to let his desperation sway me. "You should have appreciated us then, Legacy," I said sternly, refusing to look at him. "It's over. You have to get out."
His face crumpled with sorrow and regret. "At least do this one thing for me…”
I froze, waiting for his request.
“Don't kill my baby.”
A lump in my throat swelled. I swallowed hard, forcing out a quiet, "I won’t. But you need to leave."
He nodded, his shoulders slumping as he turned to go. Watching him leave, looking the most defeated and heartbroken I had ever seen him, my heart shattered. And though I knew it was because of me, I also knew this was best for us. But the guilt gnawed at me, making it hard to breathe.
As the door closed behind him, I broke down. I knew this was the right thing to do, but it didn’t make it any easier. I couldn’t keep nursing his addiction, but I felt like I had abandoned him. The realization that I felt freer without having to live with my secret facing Legacy every day only added to the guilt. I was doing this for us, for our kids, but the pain of letting him go was almost unbearable.
I stood my ground for weeks after that. Legacy was so dedicated to get his family back that he admitted himself to rehab in Houston. He wanted to be in another city, away from all the triggers. But once I was set free from his addiction, I realized the suffering it had caused. He had been numbing his pain with pills, and I had been numbing mine with him. I wasn’t convinced that a few months in rehab had changed years of damage. I didn’t believe that he would remain sober and I couldn’t face him knowing the secret I was carrying. So, I put distance between me and the kids and him. For a year, I refused to see him, which meant he couldn’t see the kids either. He only spoke to them on Facetime calls. He and I only spoke when I updated him on the pregnancy.
I knew if I had terminated the pregnancy, it would push him to relapse. So, I kept Riley. For Legacy, I kept my shameful secret. But for my own sanity, I didn’t let him be a part of her birth. Putting that distance between his family forged a wedge so large between Legacy and me that he soon stopped trying to get his family back. He stayed in Houston. And I stayed silent.