Chapter 20
CLUTCH - FIND HER
I wake up feeling like I crawled out of a grave.
My eyes open to grey light pushing through the curtains, and for a few seconds my brain refuses to catch up with the world around me.
My body feels heavy, my mouth is dry and my head is pounding like I drank half the bar last night.
Except I didn’t drink, but I did pass out.
Then everything comes back at once.
Bex.
She’s gone.
My stomach twists so hard I have to roll to my side, but then I am left facing the emptiness beside me. The other side of the bed where she should be. My hand drifts across the mattress finding it cold and empty. My chest tightens, and I try to breathe through the sensation.
I miss her already and if I am being honest with myself I’ve missed her for a long time.
Fuck… when did I stop listening to her?
The anger comes next, like it always does when the guilt gets too close. Defensive and ugly.
She didn’t listen to what I needed either.
Didn’t try hard enough.
Didn’t try to fit in.
Didn’t…
The thought dies halfway through.
Because Bex didn’t change, she never lied.
Not once.
She didn’t change overnight. If anything, I did. I changed when I met her, wanting to be the kind of man she would be with. Wanting to give her everything she could dream of. I sold her on a future that I never delivered. She told me exactly how she felt from the beginning.
She told me she hated the clubhouse. Told me she didn’t feel safe there. Told me she didn’t like the way the women were treated or how some of the men looked at her. She told me she didn’t want to live like that forever. And I stopped showing up.
When was the last time we did anything just the two of us?
I can try to blame it on her picking up extra shifts, but that would be a lie, because that only started when I got so busy with club business.
She only started pulling away when I stopped doing the things that made her fall in love with me in the first place.
I kept telling myself things would cool down, I thought I would have time to fix what was breaking between us.
And instead of telling her I missed her I told her I had fucking options.
And the look in her eye when I said it, it's like she believed I would do it. Cheat on her. I could never… I haven’t been interested in another woman since I met her. Since that first day at the hospital.
But I said it and the look in her eyes when I did…
She didn’t suddenly decide she was unhappy, she finally realized nothing was ever going to change. That the promises I kept making and breaking, would never come true. And then things got worse. I failed her.
I need to find my wife.
I push myself out of bed, and the room spins slightly. My body still feels wrecked from too little sleep and too much adrenaline. It takes me a minute for my brain to catch up to the fact that I am not at the clubhouse, but in one of Four and Dani’s spare rooms.
Then I drag a hand through my hair, step back with a sigh, and move into the bathroom. I need a shower, an ice cold one to get my head straight.
We drove around looking for any clue of where she might have gone last night, what might have happened. We didn’t find anything. No trace of her, almost like she disappeared from her car.
I close my eyes and let the icy water wash over me, hoping it clears away some of the pain weighing me down, but if anything it just makes things clearer.
She did try, at the beginning. When I convinced her to move in with me, she was friendly with some of the women like Dani and Meg.
She got along great with Torch and some of the other brothers.
She showed up to parties… But as time passed it was like instead of her warming up to being part of the club… She started closing herself off again.
It took me so long to get her to open up to me, then to get her to the club, to get her to wear my cut… But she was opening up… and then it was like she started to shrink into herself, started to pull away.
I can see it all so clearly now, how did I miss it before? Why didn’t I ask more questions or offer to move with her until we could build the house we always talked about.
I wanted her to see all the things I loved and she ended up seeing all the reasons why people fear us and this life.
That look in her eyes when she screamed at me to take her cut. Eyes that used to twinkle when she told me she loved me.
I slam my hand against the shower, needing the water to stop… needing this feeling to… I am breathing hard when I finally step out of the shower. The realization that I fucked up in a way I don’t know how to come back from.
I step out of the room into the hallway, and my phone buzzes in my pocket. I check it automatically, still nothing from Bex. No response to the text I sent before I passed out.
No missed calls. Just silence.
The new message is from Angel. My stomach twists again, a new experience I am not enjoying.
I shove the phone into my pocket without reading the message and head downstairs.
I hear voices coming from the backyard as I make my way through the house. My stomach feels worse the closer I get to the back door.
Four is the fucking Vice President of the Dawnbreakers, and he still managed to build Dani a house off compound. Somewhere safe.
Somewhere quiet, a place where a family could actually live.
Bex would have loved this place.
The house sits back from the road on a stretch of land wide enough to breathe.
A big yard, with trees perfect for kids to play in, perfect for a tree house.
A garden already that looks used and loved.
The kind of place where you can hear birds instead of motorcycles.
Where you expect to hear little voices with big laughs.
The smell of barbecue hits me first, then I see them.
Dani stands by the grill flipping something while laughing at something Marisol said.
Axel is leaning against the fence beside her.
Marisol tucked into his side like she belonged there.
Cypher sits on a patio love seat with a laptop balanced on his knee.
Meg curled up beside him, her head resting against his shoulder while he types.
Ledger is sitting at the outdoor table with a drink in his hand, looking more relaxed than I’ve seen him in weeks.
The sight of it hits me harder than I expect. Because this is the kind of peace… The kind of normal she needed. Something Bex has been asking for since before she moved into the clubhouse.
I don’t see Four, but Dani waves at me, “Have a seat Clutch, Four will be out in a minute and we will eat.”
“Thanks.” My voice comes out as a croak.
Dani barely talked to me all last night and I think that was more for my benefit than hers.
I hear a bike engine pulling up to the property and then it cut out. I move towards the patio table, as Angel walks into the backyard and stares at the scene.
“What the fuck are you all doing here?”
Axel glances over.
“Marisol didn’t want to stay at the clubhouse.” He shrugs like that explains everything. “I sleep where she sleeps.”
Cypher grunts without looking up from his screen and Meg squeezes his arm tighter.
Ledger lifts his glass slightly. “Dani’s cooking. And the clubhouse is a clusterfuck.”
Angel mutters something under his breath that sounds like a string of curses. Then he says, “Bex is gone and the club is a clusterfuck so you decide to have a little party.”
Dani scowls at him saying, “Everyone needs to eat.”
The back door opens, and Four steps out onto the patio. He takes one look at me and Angel, then shakes his head.
“Sit down.”
We do.
The wooden chair creaks under my weight.
Four leans against the railing for a moment, studying both of us.
“Torch will be here soon,” he says. “He’s got Bex's car over at Lincoln’s garage.”
Angel’s head snaps up.
“You took it off the compound?”
Four cuts him off with a look. “Yes, and before you say shit to me about it. I know exactly where your head is at right now.”
His voice stays calm, but there’s steel in it.
“Because Mara is missing.”
Angel’s jaw tightens, but Four continues.
“But you’ve missed some shit, brother.”
He gestures vaguely between us.
“You let fear blind you.”
Silence settles over the table.
Four exhales slowly.
“We have some house cleaning to do before anyone feels safe again.”
He looks at me.
“But first.”
My chest tightens.
“Nobody found anything last night or this morning,” he says. “Not a trace.”
It feels like someone is squeezing my heart right in my chest.
“We’ll keep looking. I have feelers out everywhere Bex might go.”
He glances toward Dani.
“Dani’s been talking to the women.”
Dani nods without turning around from the grill.
“But if I’m being honest,” Four continues, “my guess is we aren’t going to find her…”
My hands curl into fists in my lap.
“...If she doesn’t want to be found.”
A low growl escapes my throat and then something hits me in the chest. I look down, and it’s a fucking spatula. Dani stands by the grill with her hands on her hips.
“None of that bullshit here,” she says.
Her eyes lock on mine.
“You want to act like asshole cavemen, you can do it at the clubhouse.”
She points at the ground.
“This is my house.”
My chest aches, so I rub it. The same ache that has been building for weeks.
“Yeah,” she adds when she catches the motion. “You deserve that pain.”
Then she turns back to the grill.
I scan the space, “Where’s the kid?”
Four joins us at the table, “Connor was a nervous mess this morning, I sent him to work with Torch. We can talk to him when they get here.”
We eat while we wait, mostly in silence.