Chapter 38
CLUTCH - CHANGE
I thought I would feel peace when I watched the people who brought Bex into this world and then sold her off like she was nothing, taking their last breaths.
I thought I would feel redeemed when I watched Torch light the match and burn their home and everything they loved to the ground.
But I still just felt hollow, an ache that wouldn’t leave me.
I missed her. Missed her more than I ever felt possible.
Dani had sat down with me one night, after we had taken out one of the people who were responsible for collecting the children and bringing them into the ring. She had asked how I would feel if she never knew what we were doing. If we did all this and she still didn’t come back.
We were outside by the fire pit Axel had built to burn the old, as we built the new. He was back to full health, but a darkness hung around him.
I looked into the fire and sighed. Talking about my feelings wasn’t something I was comfortable with, wasn’t something that was allowed growing up. But Dani didn’t push. She sat beside me, letting the question linger between us. Let me gather my thoughts and feelings.
“I…” I huffed and then scrubbed my hand down my face. I was a forty-year-old man that was struggling with my feelings.
Dani nudged me with her knee, “Just say what you are thinking, Clutch, it doesn’t have to be perfect.
That is one thing I love about Four; he doesn’t try to make what he says perfect.
And sometimes it comes out wrong. But he says what is on his mind and in his heart. I always know what he is thinking.”
I blew out a ragged breath, looking at the cracked chair that was burning to ash in the pit.
“If she doesn’t come back to me… fuck… I can't even say it without feeling like I am going to have a heart attack. She has every reason not to come back, every reason. I hurt her; let other people hurt her. But I need to do this. I need to make it safe for her, with or without me.”
Dani didn’t say anything, but I saw her nod with a slight smile on her face. The fire danced over her features.
“I messed up, Dani. But I really do love her.”
Dani turned her face to me, studying me for a moment. “I didn’t know if you did before, Clutch. Honestly… after everything went down. But… I see it now.”
She stood giving me a squeeze on my good shoulder, “This life isn’t for everyone and you guys.
You all grew up in it. You grew up not knowing how to be in a real relationship, not knowing what healthy ones even looked like.
But it’s not an excuse for shitty behaviour.
Four worked really hard to get to a place where I was willing to start anything with him. People can change if they want to.”
She went to leave, I knew they had found someone to talk to Cal, and I had hoped maybe it was someone who knew more about where Bex was.
“Dani… have you heard… do you know…”
She stopped and looked down at me, “No, Clutch, I haven’t.
And honestly even if I did… I wouldn't tell you if she didn't want you to know.” She cleared her throat and looked out over the group around the fire.
“You aren’t the only person who failed her.
I was so caught up in my own shit, I let rumours run wild when I could have easily shut them down.
And that night… I didn't do shit either.”
She looked back at me with a sad smile, “The only thing I have heard is that she is safe. But I will not tell you anything else Clutch, I won’t betray her again.”
I swallowed, nodding, thankful to know she was still safe. Still out there.
Over the next month we worked meticulously bringing down parts of the trafficking group.
Hunting anyone that Cypher could find who were connected, who could lead us to eradicating the entire group.
Meg and Dani were both now the first Sisters in our clubs history, we had been so focused on rebuilding the club and taking care of the trash, so we hadn’t had an official church meeting to pick their road names or the celebration that should follow.
Marisol was still staying at the clubhouse and was up and moving around, but she was quiet. A heaviness had settled around her and she was refusing to talk to anyone. I didn’t ask Axel what was going on with them and he didn’t offer. But if she was around so was he, a silent shadow guarding her.
As soon as I was medically cleared to ride, I took my bike out.
The air was frigid, a bite that felt good on my skin.
Meg who had been taking lessons and had purchased her first bike had asked to come along.
Torch and Ledger had followed. Without thought I ended up back at that parcel of land that had caught my attention months ago, after Bex had first disappeared.
I stopped and without question so did the rest of my group. I got off my bike and walked over to the edge of the property, Meg came up beside me. Her phone in her hand.
She looked around the property, taking a deep breath. “It’s for sale, you know.”
I looked down at her, “How do you know?”
There wasn’t a sign, no indication that the lot was for sale.
She held up her phone and it had listings for land in this area. “I made friends with the realtor that helped me buy my ba… building.”
She had closed the bakery temporarily while she was healing, but I heard she hadn't been back yet. Something that I knew had been bothering Cypher.
“She showed me this app, it collects information from all property sites and lists them.”
My eyes moved across the land, the ache eased a little as I took a deep breath, “Can you send me that?”
And she did.
I bought the parcel of land that week and had been quietly working with Torch on finishing the plans we had started for the house on the compound.
When we weren’t hunting or working, we ended up at the property.
The piece of land that felt like the only thing I had left to connect myself to her, even though she’d never stepped foot on this land and didn’t have any idea what I was doing.
Everyone in the club had their hands in helping me with the house, they showed up quietly to work and then disappeared just as quietly.
It's like the club members were using the build of the house, just like I was… as a form of penance.
Thanksgiving passed quietly, no one said a thing about celebrating.
But by the time Christmas came around the clubhouse had been fixed up and everyone had helped give direction in what they wanted from the space.
Angel asked everyone to celebrate Christmas eve as a club, a family.
And we did. Tables were pushed together to form one long one.
We all worked together to make the meal, to clean up.
Cal got presents from the club and Mara and Marisol had stockings for the babies that the club was anxiously waiting on.
Mara had shown up for dinner with Gavin, the younger Dr Hart.
Angel didn’t look thrilled about it but he didn’t say anything.
A sort of peace had come over the compound, everyone working together. Rebuilding, talking more than I ever think we had before.
I didn’t go to the New Years party, not interested in celebrating a new year when she wasn’t with me. Angel found me at the property, it was freezing, but I didn’t mind. Working on the house was the only thing that calmed my mind and lessened the ache.
“Find out anything new?”
That question was loaded and we both knew it. We were still looking for clues about Bex, but we were also looking into who had protected the group we had hunted, all those years ago. The best guess was corrupt politicians or police. But we didn't have anything concrete yet.
Angel stood beside me, helping level the piece of wood in my hand, “No. Cypher is still looking though and Meg has one of her brothers helping.”
He handed me a screw and held the wood steady.
“Mara said Bex is safe, but she is still refusing to give any more information than that.”
I grunted and kept working, when we were done on the section I was working on Angel stepped back and asked, “What if she never comes back?”
It seemed like everyone had been asking that question. I shrugged knowing the only thing I could do was make it so she could come back if she wanted, to make me someone she wanted to come back for.
The rumble of a bike caught our attention, Cypher stalked towards us. A look of frustration on his face. I moved to the next section I wanted to work on and he started pacing next to Angel.
“Someone fucking erased her.”
I stood up tall, my spine going rigid. My eyes snapped to Cypher and Angel grabbed Cypher’s shoulder saying, “You gotta explain that, Brother.”
Cypher huffed and then dragged his hand through his hair, he looked wrecked, “Rebecca Pierce. If I hadn’t met her in person, If I hadn't looked into her before… I would have assumed she never existed. Someone wiped her entire history. That and the lead I thought was good for where she went… after. It fell through. Led me to the fucking Chief of Police… no thank you. But I am going to keep digging. I will figure this out.”
I sighed, not sure what to say. Then turned back to what I was working on, rubbing at the ache in my chest.
Cypher moved beside me and picked up a hammer and nails and just got at it.
“That’s not…”
I shook my head at Angel silencing him. Cypher seemed to need to do this, something with his hands.
Work through whatever shit he had going on.
We worked in silence for a while until more bikes and trucks approached.
It seemed the party had come to me. Axel and Torch brought up coolers and brothers followed with chairs, tools, and more supplies.
I heard Ledger in the background ask, “Is this is a, if he builds it she will come home, kind of situation?”
Then I heard a grunt and Ledger, “Fuck, Cupcake, you’ve got sharp elbows.”
Cypher stiffened beside me when he heard Meg, “That will not be my fucking name.”
Then Torch murmuring, “I’d fuck that cupcake.”
Cypher slipped and the hammer ended up in the wall. He took a deep breath and looked at me apologetically.
“Don’t worry about it,” I offered, not sure if I was meaning the wall or what was going on with Meg. “It can be fixed.”
The night passed in a blur, everyone chipping in, even though I knew it was more of a way to keep me company.
February came without warning, and we were sitting around at the end of Church. A grumbling but smiling Meg with a Cupcake patch and Dani with one that read Haven. Both seemed perfect for them.
“Last item for today's meeting, I propose a run to visit a fellow club.”
That caught everyone's attention. We had been mostly staying to ourselves lately.
“Well not so much a club anymore, more of a ranch?”
“What the fuck are you talking about prez?” Torch laughed.
“Cole Dawson, you guys know him as Hammer.” Angel answered.
Murmurs spread across the room.
“He reformed his club and is in the process of turning his property into a kind of safe space. I think it might be good if, when Four is able, we go and take a look. See what they are doing.”
One of the brothers spoke up, “I can’t believe you are telling us Hammer is reforming his club.”
Meg shrugged her shoulders, “I think that everyone is capable of change, it's the why that matters and it has to be something you do for you…” She looked down at her hands and murmured, “But sometimes not all change is good.”
Cypher’s eyes were locked on her, but she had been ignoring him the best she could.
I understood what she was saying, change had to mean something and it needed to come from within. I had to believe that. I had to believe that I had changed, that this club had changed enough to bring her home when she was ready. Because I would wait for her.