Chapter 23 Tex
TEX
The night felt wrong.
Too loud. Too bright. Too full of shit I didn’t want.
Music pounded through the clubhouse, the bass rattling the walls like a second heartbeat. Laughter echoed off the walls. Glasses and bottles clinked together, and women moved between bodies like smoke, perfume and sweat mixing into something thick enough to choke on.
This place had always been home, but tonight it felt more like a cage.
I leaned against the bar, whiskey in hand, staring into the amber liquid like it might give me the answers I needed. It didn’t. It never did. But it burned going down, and right now that was enough.
We’d spent hours in the Chapel earlier—just me, JD, Moose, Swampy, and Bear. Others had stood outside waiting, furious that they hadn’t been brought in. Offended that they hadn’t been trusted.
I couldn’t blame them, I would have felt the same, but I also couldn’t allow them in.
It hadn’t mattered though, we’d gotten nowhere.
No leads on the cartel.
No idea who was feeding them information.
No idea how deep this shit went.
Just a whole lot of dead ends and rising tension.
“Someone’s talking,” JD had said, voice low, dangerous. “And when I find out who, I’ll handle it—handle them.”
Yeah. He would.
But that didn’t help us right now, and it sure as hell didn’t help Rowan.
Dealing with it when we caught them didn’t stop the bullets, and it didn’t stop the image burned into my brain—her body going limp in my arms, blood soaking my hands.
I tightened my grip on the glass.
I’d left her at the ranch.
Left Gods in charge of keeping her safe.
I’d thought I was doing the right thing, but now I wasn’t so sure. Because every second I was here, she was there without me, and right now it felt like I was the only one I could truly trust.
“You look like you wanna kill someone.”
Jordan slid up beside me, hip bumping mine like she’d done a hundred times before. She smelled like cheap vanilla and trouble.
“Maybe I do,” I muttered.
She smirked. “Well, I guess you’re in the right place.”
I didn’t answer her. I didn’t feel like playing tonight. Hell, tonight, I didn’t feel like anything.
Her eyes studied me for a second longer before she sighed dramatically. “Jesus, you’re worse than usual. That ranch girl really got under your skin, huh?”
My jaw tightened. “Careful,” I said, my voice low.
She held up her hands in mock surrender, but her grin didn’t fade. “Relax, I’m just saying, you look like a man who forgot how to have fun.”
Fun? Yeah. That word didn’t mean shit right now.
I felt helpless, and trapped, and they were two things I didn’t like feeling.
“For what it’s worth, I liked her—the ranch girl. She seemed nice. Sure was pretty, but maybe a little prude, and definitely not cut out for this life.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. Because how could I not.
She didn’t belong in my world. She didn’t belong with me. She deserved to be with someone who could provide her with the good life, like she deserved. Me? All I would bring her was misery.
Hell, I’d never even been in an actual relationship with a woman before. I couldn’t promise her that I’d be faithfully hers when I didn’t even know that part of myself.
“Maybe you just need a distraction,” Jordan continued, leaning in closer. “Lucky for you, I brought one.”
I didn’t even have time to respond before she was waving someone over.
A girl stepped into my line of sight. She was small and blonde, with big blue eyes, and curves that didn’t quit. She looked nervous, but eager. The kind of eagerness that came from wanting to impress.
“This is Nancy,” Jordan said. “Nancy, this is Tex. Tex sure could use a distraction right about now. He’s awfully tense.”
Nancy smiled, soft and hopeful. “I can help with that.”
I looked at her. Really looked. She was beautiful in all the right ways. Hadn’t been in the life long enough to let it wear her down yet. But I felt nothing for her. Not even a flicker.
When I looked at Rowan I felt everything.
It felt like the whole world was trying to cram itself into my chest cavity. Thoughts and feelings and images all scrambling for purchase in my heart and in my head.
Jordan placed a hand on my arm as if sensing my reluctance. “You don’t have to, Tex. I just thought she might help you relax.”
I breathed hard, irritation thrumming through me. What was happening to me?
“She’s a good one,” she said, and when I looked at her, her smile was soft. “The ranch girl. But from what the guys said, that isn’t happening for you.”
Yeah, Rowan and I wasn’t happening. Because I wouldn’t let it. She’d made it obvious that she wanted me to kiss her so who knew where it could have led after that. But instead, I’d pushed her away.
It was the right thing to do. At least for her.
I tipped my glass back and drained the rest of the whiskey.
“Come on,” I said, grabbing Nancy’s hand.
If I stayed out here, I’d keep thinking.
And thinking was the problem.
The back room was dim. Quiet compared to the chaos of the clubhouse outside.
Nancy shut the door behind us, her hands already moving. Nervous energy, excitement, anticipation.
I leaned back against the wall, watching her.
She stepped closer. Close enough that I could smell her shampoo. Sweet. Artificial.
Nothing like Rowan’s orange shampoo.
That thought hit me hard.
Uninvited and unwanted.
And suddenly she was there in my head again—Rowan in those damn bed shorts, hair tied up, looking at me like I was something she didn’t quite understand. A puzzle she was trying to figure out.
“Is this okay?” Nancy asked softly, her long fingers brushing against my chest.
I blinked and refocused.
“Yeah,” I said roughly.
She smiled and leaned in, her lips pressing against mine as she kissed me.
The kiss was soft and cautious, and I felt her hesitancy as she waited for me to join in. So I did. I kissed her back, hard. My tongue darting between her lips, my teeth nibbling along her bottom lip.
Because that’s what I was supposed to do. Because this was easy. Because this was who I was.
Her hands moved down my chest to my belt buckle, her lips not leaving mine. Her tongue danced softly over my own, her head tilted back as she groaned in the back of her throat.
My hands went to her breasts, covering them over her clothes and squeezing gently. I felt the hardness of her nipples through her thin shirt and tried to imagine all the ways I would suck and lick them.
Clothes shifted and skin met skin.
My pants joined hers on the floor, as did my cut and shirt. I pulled her top over her head to reveal a lacy hot pink bra, her breasts filling it perfectly. At any other time in my life I would have thought I’d lucked out with this woman, but right now I still felt nothing.
No fire.
No pull.
No need or urgency.
Just a hollow space where something hungry and eager should’ve been.
Nancy pressed closer to me, more insistent now, and my body should’ve reacted like it always did. But instead, I froze.
My hands stilled on her small hips and my mouth went dry.
Nancy was still kissing me, but my mouth was no longer moving, my hands no longer gripping her. She must have sensed the shift because she pulled out of the kiss and blinked up at me. Pretty blue eyes filled with hope and desire, begging me to take her. To fill her.
Her hands went to her hips and she shimmied out of her hot pink thong, and then she turned around and bent over the bed, her smooth peach of an ass in the air for me.
Nancy looked over her shoulder and smiled, a hunger in her eyes. My gaze moved from her face to her ass, and the wet, pink entrance I could see, waiting and begging for me.
My dick twitched, finally coming to life, but it wasn’t because of Nancy. It was because in my head I was thinking about Rowan. I was imagining Rowan.
How she would feel.
How she would look.
How she would taste.
I groaned, and Nancy’s smile grew larger and she shifted against the bed, lifting her ass up higher for me.
I wanted this woman—there was no point in pretending that I didn’t. She was beautiful and waiting, and desire was flooding my body like it was flooding hers. But all I could think about was Rowan.
The way she looked at me.
The way she challenged me.
The way she didn’t fall at my feet like every other woman in this goddamn town.
Was it Nancy and her pussy that was making my dick rock hard, or was it the thought of Rowan? Deep down, I knew the answer.
“Tex?” Nancy’s voice was hesitant now.
I stepped back like I’d been burned.
“Did I do something wrong?”
My boxers were still on, my dick pressing painfully against the seams of them, but it began to fade almost instantly.
Nancy stood upright, her cheeks turning pink in a way that would have made me harder than rocks a week ago.
Nothing sexier than a woman that blushed.
But all it did now was make me feel uncomfortable.
“No,” I said quickly, dragging a hand through my hair. “No, it’s not you.”
She folded her arms across her chest, covering her breasts, confusion written all over her face. “Then—”
“I just—” I exhaled sharply. “Not tonight. I can’t.” I pulled my jeans back on swiftly, grabbing my cut from the floor and sliding that back on without even bothering to grab my shirt. I just needed to get out of this room.
Her expression shifted to hurt and maybe a little embarrassment, but she nodded and began gathering her things up.
I didn’t wait, and I sure as shit didn’t bother to explain anymore. Instead, I turned and walked out of that room before I changed my mind and fucked her just to prove to myself that I wasn’t in love with Rowan Hale—a woman I had never even kissed.
The noise hit me like a punch to the gut the second I stepped back into the main room of the clubhouse. Music and laughter and chaos.
I barely registered it though, because I was too busy trying to breathe. Trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. Because something was.
Something big that I didn’t understand.