Chapter Fifteen #2
And then I understand what this is. That man—that brute of a man who lies dead in the marsh—hurt me, and Ronan didn’t stop it. “He hit me,” I admit, watching his pupils flare and dilate. “He insulted me. He threatened me.”
Ronan inhales deeply, trying to remain still but failing as his hands tighten on my upper arms. “Threatened you…?”
“Exactly as you’re imagining,” I say. “Exactly as he did to the girl out there.” He watches me closely as I speak, attempting to conceal his own reaction until he understands mine.
My voice shrinks in a way I wasn’t expecting.
So much has happened that I’ve had no time to think about the terrible things that didn’t happen to me.
That could have happened. “He would have done it, if Seth hadn’t stopped him. ”
Ronan’s rage slips through his control. The part of him that he tries to keep hidden boils to the surface as he regrets not killing the brute himself. As he regrets not making him suffer more.
His chest rises and falls in panic as he struggles to catch his breath, his disgust aimed equally at what the man did to me and at himself for failing to prevent it.
“Ronan,” I say gently, resting a hand on where he’s gripping my arm, soothing him.
My comfort shocks him. He recoils from my touch, looking at his own hands in disbelief.
“Gods, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Here you are, comforting me when I’m meant to be the one comforting you.
” He softens as he looks at me, stroking my arms where he held them so tightly, touching them with healing light even though he didn’t hurt me.
“Sylvie, please be honest with me. Are you alright? Truly. I understand if you aren’t. ”
He takes my face in his hands and rubs his thumbs across my cheeks right beneath my eyes where my freckles are. Where any tears might fall.
I search my own feelings, but I’m struggling to find an answer for him.
“It was frightening, and it’s probably as close as I’ve ever come to—to being violated in that way.
But it was far from the first time someone has threatened me.
It’s…well, it happens a lot to many people. Especially at times of war.”
“I know,” says Ronan painfully, closing his eyes in anger. Just another in a long line of things he can’t change about the world, another of the many things that haunts him day and night. “What about the rest of your imprisonment? Did anything else happen? Is there anything I can do?”
“Ronan, I meant what I said on the deck.” I stroke his hand on my face and reach and cup his cheek.
“I’m alright now that you’re here. My time with Seth was…
well, it was something. He’s quite literally insane, and I won’t lie and say I wasn’t afraid of him a lot of the time too.
But I think in his own twisted way, he cares about me.
And Taran was incredible. I understand why you keep him around. ”
Ronan smiles weakly, the expression not quite reaching his eyes. “Seth does care for you. That much was clear from the moment he set eyes on that monster out there. No, before it. He feared for you when he realized I was taking you.”
“Did he?”
Ronan nods. He leans over conspiratorially, and I see a glimpse of his true self underneath his guilt and concern. “And he feared for Taran too.”
I cover my mouth in shock. “You’re lying.”
Ronan nods insistently. “I swear it. And—no. I shouldn’t say it.”
“It’s a secret?”
Another nod.
“Ronan.” I grab his hand and take it in mine. “We are together. That means we get double secrets. It’s the rules. If you find out a secret, you tell me, and I’ll do the same. Everyone knows couples are like that. You don’t tell someone a secret and expect them not to tell their husband.”
The word slips out before I realize what I’ve said. I blush, hoping he can’t tell in the dim light of the cabin. “And besides,” I continue quickly before he can call me on it, “I need secrets for my magic.”
I’m not entirely certain that’s true—and I do want to discuss with him the changes to my powers and what I felt from Prima, but not until he tells me the secret.
“Taran likes him too. He doesn’t want to, but he does.”
I squeal for half a moment, happy for Taran, before I realize who we’re talking about here. “Oh, Kerensa save him. No, make that Vayla. Does he have a death wish? Seth?”
“Taran has a taste for danger. And dangerous men. But he’s cautious. He’s been hurt before. I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m certain he can handle himself.”
“You don’t know what Seth’s like. Or actually, you do.
He’s like Quinn. He goes through people like cheap wine.
He’s supremely selfish, concerned only with his own survival.
That’s why he cares for me. He sees me as a solution to his problems with Adria.
And I imagine he cares for Taran because he thinks he could be useful in some way. ”
He considers what I’ve said for a moment, his hand idly stroking my thigh. “Quinn isn’t like that, not really. Despite what she says, she acts the way she does because she’s still heartbroken.”
I notice his use of the present tense. “Then Quinn’s awake?”
“Yes. A few days ago. She…she can’t walk.”
Another terrible thing I’ve done. Another person I hurt by letting them close to me.
“That feeling right there? That guilt? That’s all I’ve felt since the moment I realized you had been taken.”
“You were certain I had been taken? You didn’t think I might have left on my own?” I probably would have thought so if our roles had been reversed.
Who am I kidding? No, I wouldn’t have. But Ronan should have, and I have a feeling he didn’t.
And I’m right, of course. “Not even for a second,” he says.
Gods, I love this damned fool.
Ronan sighs deeply, his guilt still weighing on him.
“Tell me what you’ve been going through. I can’t stand to see you in this much pain, Ronan.” His eyes flash to mine. He tries pressing it back down again, tries to find the lightness and humor of gossiping about our friends once more, but there’s something that he just can’t let go.
I lean closer to him and wrap my arm around his waist. He relaxes into me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder as he finally lets it out.
“Sylvie. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand that all that happened to you, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I didn’t even know. I felt you, but I had no idea…no idea what you were afraid of. If I’d known—”
“You would have done exactly the same thing you did, only with even less planning. You would’ve foolishly charged in and tried to save me, no matter the cost.” And it probably would have gotten him killed, so I’m glad he didn’t do it. “You can’t protect me from everything.”
His head shakes, and he tries to loosen his grip on my shoulder, but I won’t let him.
“Then what good am I? You were only there because of me. I tried to deny it last time, when Zara took you. When you nearly died because of me. But how can I look at this mess and fail to see that none of it would have happened if it wasn’t for me?
If I hadn’t selfishly pursued you, if I hadn’t tried to keep you with me, knowing the risk. Knowing what it could cost you—”
“Don’t you dare take away my agency, Ronan,” I snap.
My anger comes on so suddenly that it surprises us both.
“I am with you because I choose to be with you. I was taken because I betrayed my family. I did that. I chose to turn against them and to make them my enemies. I chose to abandon the people who raised me, to set aside everything I thought I knew, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
I’d do it one thousand times over. I’d do it if they kidnapped me and tortured me.
” He winces as I say it, but he doesn’t stop me.
“I’d do it even if I knew they would kill me because I believe in you. I know you, Ronan.”
I lift my eyes to his. We’re so close now it’s difficult to focus.
“I see you. I am certain that you are the one who is meant to lead us. We aren’t in this mess because of you.
We’re in this mess because of me, because I realized everything too late.
But I will do anything to set it right, Ronan.
I will do anything to serve you in whatever way you’ll allow me to. ”
“My gods, Sylvie,” he says, pulling back and taking my head in his hands. “I don’t want you to serve me. I want you at my side as my equal.”
“Then let me be your equal,” I say, climbing into his lap.
He holds his breath as I straddle him. “Let me choose what I want. I don’t want to hear ever again how I’d be better off without you.
Because it just isn’t true.” He gasps as I twine my fingers around his neck, bringing my lips up to his.
“What I want is you, Ronan. What I want is this.” I kiss him slowly and deeply, letting the connection between us build.
“This is what I need. You are what I need.”
He kisses me back lightly, his hands hovering inches from my skin.
“Are you sure?” he whispers, pulling back again to be certain it isn’t just his own desire, which I feel thrumming beneath his skin, drawing me to him.
“I hear you, but I want you to know—I need you to know that I would understand if you needed time—”
“I told you what I need,” I say, kissing him again. He groans, his hands straining at my back. “I don’t need time. I need you. What do you need, Ronan?”
I feel as the last of his doubts slips away under my touch. His guilt doesn’t vanish, not entirely, and I’m certain that this isn’t the final time we’ll have this conversation, but he can’t resist me for another moment.
He picks me up from the bed and wraps my legs around him, kissing me fiercely.
His lips claim mine, sucking and pulling at me, opening me with his tongue.
I breathe in his spice and incense scent as he pushes me against him, feeling the hardness of him through the thin fabric of my nightgown, clutching and clawing at his back until he gasps into my mouth.