22. Cassie
22
CASSIE
T he whole world will be watching this. Or at least everyone that I know will be. I’ve shied away from the limelight for as long as I can, but there’s no keeping away from it now. Everyone is going to want a piece of me, and I won’t be able to keep away from it all. I won’t be able to avoid the cameras in my face at all times. It’s going to be a nightmare.
“Look at this,” I mutter as the news footage continues. “Look at how the press are acting outside my house.”
I know my parents aren’t there because Benji has already let me know about their lockdown in safety somewhere, but it doesn’t make it any easier. This is an interesting story, it’s a fascinating one, and the press won’t give it up easily. I wouldn’t be surprised if they remain camped outside my house for ages, just waiting for something to happen.
My chest feels tight. I don’t know if I can breathe. I lean forward and rest my palms on the floor, trying desperately to suck in air. Everything is out of my control. I don’t have the power to dictate anything anymore, but it’s too much.
“They won’t find your family.” Benji does his best to reassure me. “You don’t need to worry about that one. Max will have them somewhere safe and sound, out of sight so no one can get to them. It’s going to be fine, I promise you that much.”
I know what he’s saying to me, and I do get it, but I can’t form any kind of words right now. I don’t know how to say anything.
“And you can go and join them,” Benji continues with an eagerness to his tone. “Max is trying to navigate that, or you could come with me. We could go back to the office and get a safehouse there. Wait it out for a while until things calm down…”
Holy shit, what is happening? I can’t deal with a choice right now. I don’t even think I could deal with being told what to do. Right now, I can’t imagine anything more than sitting here on the floor and watching this on an endless loop, torturing myself forever and ever, seeing the horror of myself in that fucking video over and over again. Seeing myself in hell.
“I wanted to ask you what you wanted to do because I think Max might be trying to come up with a plan without your opinion, based on what everyone else wants, and that isn’t fair to you. You should have a say as well. So, what do you want?”
What do I want? This is a positive question, and I know that rationally, I should answer it so that things don’t continue happening out of my control, but I can’t find the words. I don’t have the words for anything. I just don’t know what I want.
“My life is falling apart, Benji,” I whisper instead. “I’m alive but about to lose it all. There’s no coming back from this.”
“No, don’t feel like that.” He jumps in, immediately giving me his upbeat, positive attitude. “Don’t think that your life is over. It isn’t. There will be a way that you can come back from this, I promise you. It won’t be an issue soon enough.”
I appreciate his kindness, but all I can think about is that he doesn’t really understand. He can’t get it because it isn’t his face all over the news saying things that can be seen as terrible for his family. He hasn’t tried to be forgotten by the world, tried to be written out of history, to have some privacy, just for this to happen. He still has control over his life. I have nothing anymore. I can feel the building blocks of pressure weighing down heavily on me, and it’s hard. I can’t stand not being able to cope.
“I’ll help you, Cassie,” he continues, clearly sensing that he isn’t getting through to me. “Whatever you need. Especially if you choose to come back with me. Not that I want to put any pressure on you or anything because I’m sure you want to see your family as well. And if you’re worried about security, then Max has already reassured me that you will be properly looked after wherever you go. If you want me around, I’ll stay. But if you don’t, then I understand as well. Whatever you want. I just want to know that you are going to be okay, that you’ll be looked after well wherever I take you. I need you to be cared for.”
He’s being so sweet, so caring, and it’s overwhelming me. I can’t cope with his niceness. I’m finding it far too much. I collapse forward and rest my head on the floor while I try to get my breath back. This place, the video, his words… I can’t handle it. I just want my simple life back, the way I had it before. It felt like I had a lot of complications to deal with, but I didn’t. I can see that with utter clarity now. I’m no longer under any illusions. It might have been less vibrant and colorful, but I could cope.
“Cassie, do you need anything?” Benji’s voice feels like it’s fading into nonexistence. “Cassie, what’s happening? Do you need medical help or anything like that? I can get someone here if you need me to. I can call an ambulance…”
I just about manage to shake my head. The last thing I need on top of everything else is a trip to the hospital. The police wanted to send me there as well because of the stab wound in my leg, but I just don’t need it. I can’t cope with more. I don’t like the idea of people prodding around to check in on me to see that I’m alright when I already know that I’m not.
“Shit, I think that might be my cellphone.” I feel Benji pull away ever so slightly. “I'd better answer it. It might be Max.”
He wrenches himself away from me, leaving me cold and alone, which is something I know that I’ll have to get used to anyway, and I listen to him pick up the call. It immediately becomes clear to me that a decision on what I do next needs to be made soon, whether I’m ready for it or not. I’m going to have to dig down deep and figure shit out.
“Max, good news, I hope?” Benji sounds so hopeful that it makes my heart ache. “The plane is coming. Thank fuck for that. Erm, yeah, I don’t quite know what we’re doing on that front yet. No decision has been made, but I’ll let you know once it has. I can discuss it with the pilot anyway, can’t I? Great, that’s good news. Okay, so I’ll get us to the meeting point. Same as before.”
I try to wrench myself from the position that I find myself in, but it’s pretty hard for me. I don’t know if I can. I feel like I’ve used every scrap of strength up over the last few days and I don’t have any part of me left. I think the only thing that finally gets my sorry ass off the floor is the knowledge that dreadful things happened in this building. Things that I’ll always hold some blame for even if none of this was really my fault. I didn’t ask for the murderers to descend upon me, but it happened anyway.
“Good news.” Benji smiles a little too hard as if it will disguise all the pain and strain in his face. “The plane is coming.”
“I heard,” I half-whisper back. “So, now I need to work out where I want to go, right? With my family, or with you.”
When I word it like that, it’s the most challenging decision a person could ever have to make. Do I want to return to the people who are endlessly worried about me and helped to get me saved, or do I run off with the man I love? Do I head straight into the lion’s den where the press are ready to pounce, or do I run off into a world that I don’t know? There’s no guarantee that I’ll be left alone even if I do go with Benji. I don’t yet know how far this story stretches. I mean, William Jones is a name known all over America, so it could be an issue whatever I do. It puts a whole heap of fucking pressure on me.
“You don’t need to decide right now,” Benji reassures me hurriedly. “You don’t even need to think of it now. We can just get to the site where the plane will pick us up and think about it from there. I know this feels huge at the moment.” He pauses thoughtfully for a second. “Just so you know, your family have been informed that you are alive, but you can speak to them if you want? There isn’t any reason you can’t put in a call now. They are being well-protected. They are very secure.”
I consider that for a second before I shake my head no. If I speak to them, they might try and sway my decision and I don’t know if I’m in the right frame of mind for that. I don’t want to be pressured into anything. My decision has to be mine.
Thankfully, Benji doesn’t question this. Instead, he nods in an understanding manner. Maybe he does get me more than I give him credit for. I don’t need to keep thinking of myself as totally alone in all of this when he’s here with me.
“Benji,” I whisper quietly, suddenly needing to ask something that I didn’t even think of before. “When I called my family to say goodbye, you never called your own mother. Why is that? Because you must have been worried as well.”
He shrugs a little sheepishly. “She doesn’t like it, but she knows that my job is a risk. She knows it could happen one day. We have had this conversation in the past. Even before I worked in protection, it was a risk. Probably even worse in the military. She knows that a phone call could come. I know that she doesn’t like it, but we have an understanding.”
My chest gets tight. This is just another reason I should walk away from Benji, isn’t it? He puts his life on the line all the time, which means I could end up spending my entire life knotted in anxiety because of him. I don’t know if I could allow myself to love someone who could die at any moment. It doesn’t feel like a life to me, just hanging on the phone, waiting for that call.
“Does she ever ask you to stop?” I manage to blurt out. “She must want you to.”
“No one has ever asked me to stop,” he replies softly. “But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t. I don’t hold on to this job as if it’s the only thing I can do. It’s my life at the moment, but that doesn’t mean it will always be that way. I don’t need to do it for the money, anyway. I have more than enough saved up. It’s to give my life a purpose at the moment, but not forever.”
We lock eyes, and it almost feels like he can see what I want from him, what I’m asking of him. It also seems like he might be trying to tell me that I would be worth giving it all up for. Now I just need to figure out what to do with that information.