Chapter 11 #3
It’s clear he doesn’t want to remind me of Davis again. Not much chance of that, unfortunately, since I haven’t been able to erase his face from my mind no matter how hard I try.
“I’ll get it later,” Ace says. “Once you’re settled.” Gesturing to a hallway across the room, he adds, “That leads to the bedrooms. There are two of them. And two full baths. They’re both set up, so you can pick whichever you like.”
The black hole in my chest yawns open a bit more.
Unexpectedly, tears prick behind my eyes.
I don’t want to be alone tonight. I don’t want to face the inevitable nightmares on my own. I want Ace’s reassuring presence here, calming me down when the panic attacks threaten.
But I can’t bring myself to tell him any of that. Even though I know he offered to help.
“It’s really nice,” I finally say, once I trust myself enough to speak without crying. “I’ll have to thank Eden for the basket. And whoever set up the apartment for me…”
Unconsciously, my arms wrap around my stomach. The lump in my throat grows bigger.
I know it’s stupid, feeling like this.
Things could be so much worse. So what if my maybe-boyfriend relegated me to the client apartment instead of inviting me to stay with him? So what if I have to deal with another night of bad dreams? It won’t be the first time. Not even close.
But crap, I’m just feeling so vulnerable right now. And so damn weak.
“Yara?” Ace touches my arm, and I’m so caught up in my own thoughts, I jump.
“Shit,” he curses softly. “I’m sorry, Tink. I didn’t mean—”
“It’s fine. My mind was just wandering.”
He puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me towards him. After a long look, he frowns. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I insist. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not—shit. Of course you’re not. After last night, and—”
“I’m fine,” I repeat more forcefully. Anger surges inexplicably.
“Yara.” Sorrow shadows Ace’s gaze. “What can I do?”
“Nothing,” I manage. Ducking my head, I blink hard against the tears welling up. “You know, I’m kind of tired. Maybe I should take a nap. And you can go back to your apartment for a while instead of babysitting me. I’m sure you’d like some time alone.”
“Babysitting? I’m not babysitting you. Why would you say that? And I don’t need time alone? What—”
“Go back to your own apartment, Ace. I’ll just”—my voice cracks—“clean up. Take a shower or a bath or something. Call in to work.”
“Work? Now?” Ace puts his finger beneath my chin and tips it up so I have to look at him.
There’s a moment when I think about fighting him on it, but I quickly decide that would be childish and unnecessary.
After all, it’s not like Ace did anything wrong.
I’m just feeling overly emotional and exhausted and taking it out on him.
“Tink.” Lines crease his forehead. “Are you crying?”
“No.”
To prove me a liar, something hot and wet runs down my cheek.
“You are.” He brushes the stupid tear away with his thumb. “I knew the tour was too much.” Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out his phone. “I’m calling Indy. I want to have him take a look at you. If you need something stronger, we know someone who’s a PA. She can do a virtual consult. Or—”
“Don’t call Indy. I don’t need to see him. I’m not in pain. Or… it’s not that bad. I just…”
My throat stops up.
Everything I’ve been shoving down deep—the fear, the shame, the disappointment—comes surging forward. And with them, a storm of tears.
“Yara.” It’s rough. Desperate. “Talk to me. Please.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. Just—” Another crack. “I…”
Just as he did last night, Ace scoops me up and into his arms. And I’m too tired to do anything but sag against him. He carries me to the couch, sits down, and sets me on his lap. “Talk to me, Tink. If it’s not the pain, what is it? Are you having a panic attack? A flashback?”
“No.” Dropping my gaze to my lap, I blurt, “I don’t want to be alone.”
“But you’re not,” he replies, sounding confused.
“Tonight. When you’re gone. And I’m alone with my nightmares and I keep seeing his face, telling me how much he hates me.
How he blames me for everything. How he thought about killing me for years.
” Lifting my head, I add miserably, “He said that’s what got him through.
The thought of torturing me. Killing me. ”
His arms tighten around me. A low curse slips out. “Shit. I thought you’d want your space. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
“Stop saying you’re fine,” Ace snaps. “You’re not fine. No one would be fine after what you went through. You don’t have to pretend you’re okay. Not to me.”
“He called me a traitor,” I whisper. “A traitor. He said I didn’t care about anyone but myself.
” More tears spill down my cheeks. My voice wobbles.
“He said I didn’t care about Malik. I… God, Ace.
I still think about it. Every day. Wondering if I could have done something to save him. I asked. I bargained. I…”
Shame stifles my voice, and I cover my face with my hand.
“Tink. Baby. It’s okay.” Ace strokes my hair. “It’s okay. Davis is fucked in the head. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your fault that you were treated differently than some of the other captives. Shit, I’m glad you were. I’m so fucking glad, because it means you’re still here.”
“But Malik.” Exhaling a shaky breath, I admit something I’ve never told anyone else. “They tried to bribe me into helping them. Betraying my country. They… they said they’d let Malik go if I did. And… I almost agreed. But I thought… If I did, Malik would be so mad at me. So I didn’t. And… he died.”
Ace tenses beneath me.
My heart shrivels.
He thinks I made a mistake and killed my teammate in the process. He thinks Davis was right about me betraying my teammate.
I start to wriggle off Ace’s lap, but he holds me still.
Then he kisses one cheek, then the other.
“Yara,” he says solemnly. “You did not do anything wrong. That’s what those assholes do.
They find your weak points and use them against you.
And they would have kept doing it. If it worked once, they would have used Malik as leverage again.
And again. They would have lied to you, possibly pretended he was alive to keep you under their control.
You did what you were supposed to do. Protect our country. ”
“But Malik,” I whisper. “He was like my brother.”
“I know, baby.” Ace kisses me on the lips. “I know. But you didn’t do anything wrong. I swear.”
Sniffling, I raise my eyes to his. “I keep wondering, did Malik hate me, too? When they killed—”
A bolt of memory hits me, stealing my breath.
In all the chaos, I forgot about it until now.
“Davis,” I gasp. “He said… Oh, God. He said… Malik defended me. Even after I was rescued.”
“Okay?” Ace looks confused. “But that makes sense. He knew you. He—”
“No.” I shake my head vehemently. “Malik was supposed to be dead by then. They killed him two months after we were captured. And I was rescued after three. My captors… they told me he was dead. They showed me pictures of his body.”
“Davis was just fucking with you, Yara. That’s all.”
“The Army. They found a grave. There were bones. DNA evidence. They said Malik was one of the victims. But… what if they were wrong and Davis was right? Why would he even bring up Malik?”
“To hurt you,” Ace replies. “He knew talking about Malik would hurt you. And it did.”
“But… Ace. What if he wasn’t lying? I don’t know how they got the DNA evidence. What if Malik is alive?” A sob bursts out. “What if he’s still out there, and no one is looking for him because they think he’s dead?”
Ace stares at me, his features creasing as he thinks. Then he wipes the tears from my face and hugs me close. “Then we’ll look for him, okay? I’ll ask Tyler to look into it. And Matt and Leo with the other B and A teams, too. If there’s information about Malik, we’ll find it. I promise.”
When I don’t answer, he jostles me gently on his lap. “I promise, Tink. Maybe Davis was lying; maybe he was telling the truth. But either way, we’ll find out. And another promise I can make? You didn’t do anything wrong. Not one single thing.”
He gives me a long look, then wipes my face and nose with his sleeve.
Which I’d normally be grossed out and embarrassed about, but right now, I’m actually touched by it.
“Okay, here’s what we’ll do,” he continues.
“I’ll call Tyler, first off. Then we’ll order food.
Watch some TV. Take a nap. And tonight—” He kisses me softly on the lips.
“Tonight, I’ll stay here with you. Or you can come home with me.
Whichever you prefer. But either way, you won’t be alone. Not unless you want to be.”
This time, I don’t have to think about it. “Yes. To all of it.” I touch his bristly cheek as I kiss him back. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me,” he replies gruffly. “I told you. Just tell me what you need. And I’ll make sure I get it for you.”
As I look into Ace’s eyes, my heart melts a little more.
Maybe I’m not in love with him yet.
But already, I can feel myself falling.