Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
NATALIE
Vivian Cross is not what I expected.
When Cade mentioned Deck's wife, I pictured someone hard. Someone who matched the dangerous men surrounding her. Instead, I'm sitting across from a beautiful Italian woman with kind eyes and a baby bump she keeps touching like she can't quite believe it's real.
"So Cade found you in the woods?" Vivian tucks her feet under her on the sofa, settling in like we're old friends catching up. "That sounds terrifying."
"It was." I wrap my hands around the mug of tea someone pressed into my grip. "I'd been walking for days. I didn't even know where I was anymore."
"I know that feeling." Her voice is soft with memory. "When I came here, I'd already survived two assassination attempts. I was so scared I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't think straight. And then this grumpy mountain man with a god complex decided I was his responsibility."
I glance across the room to where Deck stands talking with Cade. He's intimidating in a way that makes me want to shrink into the cushions, all broad shoulders and sharp eyes and that scar on his jaw. But when he looks at Vivian, his whole face changes.
"He doesn't seem grumpy now."
"Oh, he still is. Just not with me." Vivian grins.
"Give it time. These mountain men, they act like they don't need anyone.
Like they're fine alone in their cabins with their trauma and their silence.
Then the right woman shows up and suddenly they're bringing you breakfast in bed and growling at anyone who looks at you wrong. "
My cheeks heat. "Cade's not... we're not..."
"Honey, I saw the way he walked in here with you. Like he was ready to fight anyone who made you uncomfortable." She pats my knee. "I'm not saying you have to do anything about it. I'm just saying, I recognize that look. Deck had it the first week I was here."
I don't know how to respond to that. The almost kiss in the greenhouse is still burning in my mind, the way Cade leaned toward me, the way my whole body wanted to close that distance. But wanting and being ready are two different things.
"I just got out of a marriage," I hear myself say. "A bad one."
"I know." Vivian's eyes are gentle. "Cade told us enough. Not details, just that you needed protection and a safe place to heal."
"Then you know why I can't..." I trail off, unsure how to finish.
"Why you can't what? Be attracted to someone? Feel safe with a man who actually deserves your trust?" She shakes her head. "You're allowed to heal and feel things at the same time, Natalie. They're not mutually exclusive."
From across the room, Sadie Chen bounces over with the energy of a golden retriever. She's tiny and gorgeous, all black braids and dimples, and she plops down beside Vivian like personal space is a foreign concept.
"Are we talking about Cade? We're totally talking about Cade." She aims her bright smile at me. "I'm Sadie, by the way. Wolfe's girlfriend. The tall scary one who looks like he wants to murder everyone."
I follow her gesture to the man lurking in the corner. He does look like he wants to murder everyone. Except when he glances at Sadie, and then he looks like he'd burn down the world if she asked him to.
"They're all like that," Sadie continues, apparently reading my mind. "Big and growly and emotionally constipated until you crack them open. Then they're basically golden retrievers who can kill people."
"Sadie." Vivian's voice holds a warning, but she's fighting a smile.
"What? It's true! Wolfe didn't speak more than ten words a day before he met me. Now he tells me he loves me every morning. Progress." Sadie turns back to me. "So how long have you been staying with Cade?"
"Four days."
"And has he cooked for you yet?"
"Every meal."
"Shown you his greenhouse?"
"This morning."
Sadie and Vivian exchange a look I can't interpret.
"What?" I ask.
"Nothing." Vivian's smile is suspiciously innocent. "Just that Cade doesn't let anyone in his greenhouse. It's his sacred space. Even Deck's only been in there twice."
My stomach does a complicated flip. I think about this morning, Cade's hands gentle on the seedlings, his voice warm as he explained each plant's purpose. The way he looked at me when I said I wanted to help.
"He was just being nice."
"Cade is nice to everyone," Sadie says. "He's the team medic. Taking care of people is literally his job. But there's nice, and then there's 'I found you in the woods and now I'm looking at you like you hung the moon' nice."
"Okay, enough." I set down my tea, my hands suddenly unsteady. "I appreciate what you're both trying to do, but I'm not ready for... that. Any of that. I don't even know who I am without Kevin's voice in my head telling me everything I do wrong."
The words hang in the air, more honest than I intended.
Vivian reaches over and takes my hand. Her grip is firm and warm. "Then figure that out first. Nobody's rushing you. But don't close yourself off to good things just because you've had bad ones. That's letting him win."
I think about that for the rest of the meeting.
The men discuss security protocols, perimeter checks, something about upgraded communication systems. I only half listen, too aware of Cade's presence across the room.
The way he stands with his arms crossed, nodding along to whatever Deck is saying.
The way his eyes find mine every few minutes, checking in without approaching.
He's giving me space. Letting me have this time with Vivian and Sadie without hovering.
Kevin would never have done that. Kevin needed to know every word I exchanged with another person, needed to approve every friendship, needed to be the center of every moment of my life.
Cade just... trusts me. Trusts that I can handle a conversation without his supervision.
Such a small thing. Such a revolutionary concept.
When the meeting breaks up, Vivian hugs me like we've known each other for years.
"Come to dinner on Sunday," she says. "I'm making lasagna and I need more estrogen in this testosterone fest."
"I don't want to impose."
"You're not imposing. You're making my life better." She pulls back and holds my shoulders. "I mean it, Natalie. Whatever you need, I'm here. We all are."
I blink back the sudden sting in my eyes. "Thank you."
The drive back to Cade's cabin is quiet, but not uncomfortable. The sun is setting over the mountains, painting the sky in shades of orange and pink, and I watch the colors change through the window while my mind churns.
"They liked you." Cade's voice breaks the silence.
"They were nice."
"No, they liked you." He glances over, the fading light catching the gold in his beard. "Vivian doesn't invite just anyone to Sunday dinner. And Sadie's already texting me asking when she can come visit."
"She seems... energetic."
His laugh is low and warm. "That's one word for it. She's good for Wolfe, though. He actually smiles now. The whole team nearly had a heart attack the first time we saw it."
I smile despite myself. "She said he didn't talk much before her."
"Man of few words." Cade shrugs. "We all handle our shit differently. Wolfe goes quiet. Deck gets angry. I..." He pauses. "I hide."
"In the greenhouse?"
"In the greenhouse. In the herbs. In anything that lets me feel useful without having to feel everything else." His hands tighten on the steering wheel. "It worked for a while. Then you showed up."
My breath catches. "What do you mean?"
He's quiet for a long moment. When he speaks, his voice is rougher than before.
"I mean I've spent three years building walls, and you've been here four days and I can already feel them cracking."
I don't know what to say to that. Don't know if I should say anything. So I just sit with it, let his words settle into the spaces between us, and watch the mountains turn purple in the dying light.
Back at the cabin, Cade builds a fire while I curl up on the couch with Luna in my lap. The domesticity of it aches in my chest. A man and a woman and a dog, evening falling soft around them. It looks like a life I gave up hoping for.
"You hungry?" Cade asks from the kitchen.
"Not really." My stomach is too knotted for food. "Maybe just tea?"
He brings me chamomile without being asked. Remembers that I like honey but no cream. Sets it on the side table and settles into the armchair across from me instead of sitting beside me on the couch.
Still giving me space. Still letting me set the pace.
"Can I ask you something?" The words are out before I can stop them.
"Anything."
"The almost... in the greenhouse. Before the radio." I force myself to meet his eyes. "What would have happened if we hadn't been interrupted?"
His jaw tightens. The firelight catches the strong line of his throat as he swallows.
"I would have kissed you." No hesitation. No equivocation. "And then I would have apologized, because you deserve better than a broken down medic who still wakes up screaming from nightmares."
"You have nightmares?"
"Most nights." He stares into the fire. "I see their faces. The ones I couldn't save. I feel their blood on my hands." His voice drops. "I wake up thinking I'm still over there, still failing, still watching kids younger than my nephew die in the dirt."
The raw honesty of it takes my breath away. Kevin never admitted weakness. Never showed vulnerability. He was always in control, always right, always perfect.
Cade is none of those things. Cade is scarred and haunted and struggling. And somehow that makes him more real than anyone I've ever known.
I set down my tea. Stand up, dislodging Luna from my lap. Cross the small distance between the couch and his chair.
He looks up at me, firelight dancing in his brown eyes. "Natalie."
"You asked what would have happened." I'm standing right in front of him now, close enough to touch. "Maybe we should find out."
"You don't have to do this." His voice is strained. "I'm not expecting anything from you."
"I know." I reach out, my fingers trembling slightly, and touch his jaw. The beard is softer than I expected, his skin warm beneath it. "That's why I want to."
He's still for a long moment. I can see the war in his eyes, the part of him that wants to protect me from himself fighting with the part that wants this as badly as I do.
Then his hand comes up to cover mine, pressing my palm more firmly against his face.
His eyes fall closed, and he turns his head just enough to brush his lips across my wrist.
The touch is barely there. A whisper. A question. I answer it by leaning down. The first brush of my lips against his is soft. Testing. We're both holding our breath, both waiting for the other to pull away. Neither of us does.
Cade's hand slides into my hair, cradling the back of my head, and he pulls me down into his lap. I go willingly, my knees bracketing his thighs in the armchair, my hands gripping his shoulders for balance.
The second kiss is deeper. His mouth opens under mine and I taste chamomile and honey and something sweeter I can’t place. His other hand finds my hip, steadying me, his grip firm but careful. Always careful. Even now, with heat building between us, he's treating me like I'm precious.
I pull back just enough to breathe. His eyes are dark, his chest heaving under my palms.
"Okay?" he asks, voice wrecked.
"More than okay."
He kisses me again, and this time there's nothing tentative about it. His tongue sweeps against mine, claiming, tasting, and I melt into him like I was made to fit there. His hands are everywhere, mapping my back, my waist, the curve of my hip, learning me through borrowed clothes.
I run my fingers through his hair. It's thick and soft and he groans when I scrape my nails against his scalp. The sound vibrates through me, settling low in my belly.
"Natalie." He pulls back, breathing hard. "We should stop."
"Do you want to stop?"
"No." The word is almost a growl. "But you've been through hell and I'm not going to take advantage of that. When we do this, and we will do this, I want you to be sure. I want you to be ready."
When, not if. The certainty in his voice makes my toes curl.
"What if I'm ready now?"
His hands tighten on my hips. "Then I'd say your body's been through a lot and it needs more time to heal. And I'd say I want to do this right. Court you properly. Take you on a real date instead of having our first time be because we got carried away by a fire."
Court me. Like something out of an old Western. Like I'm worth the effort of patience.
I rest my forehead against his, our breath mingling in the small space.
"You're a frustrating man, Cade Marshall."
"So I've been told." His thumbs trace circles on my hips. "Sleep with me in my bed tonight? I just want to hold you."
It's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. More romantic than Kevin's elaborate proposals and expensive gifts. More meaningful than any grand gesture. He wants to hold me. That's all. That's everything.
"Okay." I press one more kiss to his lips, soft and sweet. "But you should know, I'm not a patient woman."
His laugh rumbles through both of us. "Good. Because my self control has a limit, and you're testing every inch of it."
I climb off his lap, my legs unsteady, and let him lead me to his bedroom. He gives me a t shirt to sleep in and turns his back while I change. When I slip under the covers, he joins me, pulling me against his chest like I belong there.
His heartbeat is steady under my ear. His arms are strong around me. And for the first time in years, I feel safe enough to close my eyes.
"Goodnight, Natalie," he murmurs against my hair.
"Goodnight, Cade."
I fall asleep smiling.