9. Bonnie
Age 14
Alot can happen in a year.
For example, Puck has more tattoos that are starting to cover all of his arms. He comes home and shows me, all somehow relating to something I said or something we did. It makes my stomach flutter like crazy, knowing he’s inking his skin permanently with memories of us.
Why me? Why am I so special that he wants to paint his body with reminders of me?
King was finally able to get his first one too. He came home all cocky one day, showing me a tattoo on his shoulder. It was tiny, but he was very pleased with himself.
Even at the age of fifteen, he threw his last name about, and it got him what he wanted.
I fear this is something King will get used to, and I’m scared he’s going to change more into our daddy every day. He’s always said the only good thing about being a Rhivers is that he shares the same last name as me and Dax. But hopefully he doesn’t start to use his name for power.
Otherwise, he’d be more like Carlo than I thought.
My brother is nothing like Daddy. He doesn’t bully or hurt people.
He doesn’t hurt me.
Daddy is expecting King to take over from running the Districts one day, but I don’t want that to change who King is.
He”s my big brother. He’s grumpy, but cares about those he loves. And though the list is already very short, I don’t want it to disappear completely, like Daddy.
I want to always be on his list of people he loves and cares about.
The clematis on the trees disappeared when the summer had come to an end, but then started to bloom again around the edge of the woods like no time had passed.
I had grown into my body. I’d seemed to have stopped growing at five-two, tiny and dainty next to King, Dax, and Puck, who were already almost at six foot. I was small and slim, my skin soft, aside from the fact I had to shave my legs regularly now. What is all that about?
I got my period late last year, pretty late for most girls, but Maria, who I had run crying to in fear, even though she’d taught me lots about it, said it could’ve been due to my small body playing catch up.
Regardless, she had to buy me sanitary products, because there was no way I was telling Daddy.
Age13
We’re all outside,like we usually are. The boys are being boys, kicking around a football and trying to knock things off the stone wall, and I watch on from the grass, book in hand and a smile on my face.
It’s nice to see King having some fun for a change. Daddy has him in his office lots now, and I hate that he sometimes misses out when we”re all playing.
The sun is starting to set, and my stomach grumbles, so I jump up, putting my book back in my bag to head back inside. I call out to them, to let them know I’d be back out in a minute when I hear them all stop.
The ball bounces on the ground before slowing at King’s feet, and all three heads are facing my way, a look of something I can’t quite place taking over their expressions, making me feel a little uncomfortable.
“What?” I question, looking down at myself, not sure what I’m expecting to see. But Puck runs over and takes hold of my hand, awkwardness radiating off of him.
“Bon… you,” he starts, but falters. He can’t get any words out.
“What?” I ask, a little more panicked now. Whatever has spooked them is starting to really freak me out.
King and Dax are still standing on the spot, shifting from foot to foot, trying not to look at me.
Puck leans in and whispers in my ear.
“I think you’re on your period.”
I freeze in place, a look of confusion plastered across my face at how he could know this.
I haven’t even had my period before. Why would he say this?
But it’s then that my face turns to one of horror, and I know why they’re all acting weird.
I’ve started my period, and it’s come through my shorts.
Oh God!
Mortified, I stumble away, refusing to turn my back until I’m far enough that I can spin and run.
I crash through the door to the mansion, tears streaming down my face in absolute shame, and as I run, I pray to all the lords above, I don’t bump into Daddy.
I fly past Maria, who tries to stop me when she sees my blotchy face, and I don’t stop until I’m slamming the door to my room and hiding in my bathroom.
Turning to look in the mirror, I glance over my shoulder to see that there is in fact a deep red mark staining my shorts.
It’s only small, but it’s obvious enough. And the boys have seen it and are going to laugh at me.
Just as a wail escapes my throat, a knock at the door has me shouting at the intruder to go away. I can’t have any of them see me like this.
Hell, I don”t think I can live with the embarrassment of them seeing me ever again.
“Bonnie, it’s me,” Maria’s soft voice calls through the closed door, and my shoulders sag in relief.
Pulling back the door timidly, I poke my head out and watch her eyes crinkle in worry at my tear-stained face.
She steps forwards, letting herself into the bathroom and closing the door behind her.
“What happened?” she asks, and I never knew until this moment how grateful I was to have Maria. She is the only woman figure I have in my life, and I appreciate her now more than ever.
“I, I started my period,” I hiccup, and she brushes my hair back out of my face.
She chuckles lightly as she wipes my tears from under my eyes.
“Why has that got you so upset? We’ve spoken about it before. We knew it would come eventually.”
My bottom lip quivers, and the thought of saying it out loud has me feeling sick to my stomach.
“It came through on my shorts and, and all the boys, they all saw.”
I let out another wail, and Maria gathers me in her arms, stroking a hand down my thick dark hair.
“Oh, Bonnie, it’s okay, I promise,” she shushes me, but I just shake my head, my tears soaking through her blue top.
“No, it’s not. They’re all going to laugh at me now. Puck had to tell me why they were all looking at me funny. Oh God, I want to die.”
“Now enough of that language, missy,” Maria scolds, pulling me away at an arm’s length and bending slightly so we’re eye to eye.
“Now, I know my boy, and I know King and Dax well enough. None of them are going to laugh at you. In fact, none of them are going to even bring it up. You’ll see.”
I sniff a little more and eventually nod when I know she isn’t going to let it go until I’ve accepted it.
“Let’s get you sorted. You know where the sanitary products are, just in that cupboard. Go and get a change of clothes and have a shower, and I’ll be waiting in your room if you need me, okay?”
I nod again and do as she says.
Maria has always been like a mother figure to me. She’s been that person I can rely on always, in ways the boys can’t. Like today.
If only I knew at this moment, just how important a role she’d take in my life in a couple of years.
Later that evening,I’m in my bed, watching Peter Pan, of course, when a knock sounds at the door. I shout a hello and my face heats when I see Puck slowly step inside, with King and Dax behind him.
But without a single word, Puck plops himself down beside me, lifting me up slightly so that I fall back onto him. King and Dax make themselves comfortable on the other side of me and at the end of the bed.
King throws a big bag of crisps in my direction before turning his head back to the screen, and I don’t miss the eyeroll when he sees what”s on the TV.
I look up at Puck, and with a wink and a small smile, we all sit cramped on my little single bed, watching Peter Pan like nothing had happened.
Shakingthe awkward memory from my head, I think about my other changes. Like my breasts, for instance. A small handful each, making it no longer possible to go without a bra if I don”t want to draw attention to myself.
I’ve started to love who I’m becoming, and that isn’t because of what I look like, but how I’m made to feel.
Puck can never take his eyes off me.
Something has changed this last year, and I know, I know, I’m obsessed with him, so I could just be overthinking it, but I’m not. He’s seen me. Like, really seen me.
His eyes linger on my lips for a few seconds after I talk, or they trail down my body when he thinks I don’t notice.
He’s stopped sleeping in my room, and as much as it hurts to wake up and he’s gone, I feel like it’s only him being respectful. After all, I am getting older, and if I were in the real world, boys would notice me. At least, the way King and Dax talk about girls, and the way the guys in my books think about girls, I feel like I’m starting to fit into those categories.
I’ve abandoned my childhood fairy tales for exciting romance novels. Maria borrows more and more books from the library for me, about romance and lust and complicated feelings.
I know how I feel means something, as it’s how all the characters feel when they’re in love.
King would probably get crazy protective if he knew how extreme my feelings were for Puck and, in retaliation, how I think Puck is starting to notice me.
So even though I hate that he’s gone by the morning, I’m grateful he leaves once I’m asleep.
I get dressed in a pair of denim shorts and a simple black cami that tucks in nicely, slipping on my trainers and heading out of my room.
I’ve clipped my hair back out of my face and let it fall loosely around my shoulders.
Another thing that’s changed this year. My hair has grown thick and dark and falls in curls down my back naturally. I don’t know if I got it from my mum, but I’m grateful, regardless.
I pass Maria in the kitchen, grabbing an apple and kissing her on the cheek before heading outside.
The boys are all on the grass, kicking about another football, and as I plonk myself down on the bench not far from them, I can’t help but smile.
I’ve been adamant my whole life that my version of reality isn’t real. The way I live isn’t how every other teenage girl lives. They didn’t grow up invisible.
But where others may be seen, by many strangers” eyes day in and day out, I’m seen by the only set of eyes that matter.
Others might have to go through life, making friends, just to lose them. But mine are here with me forever.
At least, I hope so.
King comes running over, grabbing the apple out of my hand and taking a bite.
“Hey, that was mine!’” I push on his arm, and he laughs, giving it back to me.
“You’re so gross,” I huff, but take a bite out of it anyway.
“What are you up to today, Bonbon?” he asks with a smile, wiggling his eyebrows.
Since King accepted the fact I wasn’t going to ever leave them alone, he’s been insufferably close to me.
It’s almost like the last few years never happened.
But it feels nice to have my brother back.
I think it took him a lot of adjusting to Daddy being more demanding of him for things. Now that he’s been caught up with school and exams, he’s trying to get his head around why his always kid sister is now not so much a kid and also very much in love with one of his best friends.
Not that he knows the last bit.
He’s always had a lot on his plate, my big brother, and though I will never understand or be able to relate to it, I love him all the same.
And I know he loves me just as much.
I look at him and roll my eyes.
“Well, first, I thought I’d pop into the shops, get a few new items for my wardrobe and maybe sit down at a restaurant and have a three-course meal. Then I might decide to walk home, because it’s such a lovely day, and on my way home, I’ll bump into the man of my dreams, and he’ll offer to walk with me, holding my hand, and then he’ll kiss me on the doorstep, and I’ll come in and tell you and Daddy about the wonderful day I had.”
His eyebrow quirks, letting me waffle on, just patiently waiting for me to finish.
“You read way too many romance books,” he says, getting up and stretching his arms out. “But I’d probably skip past the part where you meet a guy who walks you home.”
“Oh yeah, and why’s that?” I ask curiously, knowing he’s going to go all big brother on me.
“Well, one, I’d have to kick his ass,” he laughs, backing up. “And two, what would you tell Puck?”
He throws a wink over his shoulder, and then runs back to the boys, grinning like the Cheshire Cat, and my cheeks heat up.
I always thought if King knew my feelings for Puck, or his in return for me, if he had any, he would play the overprotective big brother role. But his response, joking with me about it, has me confused.
I get up and walk to the tree line, weaving my way in and out of the trunks, trying to not let my clumsy ass trip over the roots.
My feelings for Puck aren’t exactly a secret. But I also never believed King would openly talk about them to me.
Brushing my fingers through the clematis on the bark, heavy footsteps behind me cause me to jerk my head over my shoulder, but I know it’s Puck before I even have to look.
No one else comes out here; they just know it’s my place.
Our place.
Another thing that has changed considerably are my reactions and behaviour towards him.
Because of how deeply my feelings go, I get almost awkward when he approaches me like this.
Which I hate, because he’s my best friend, but I can’t help it.
“You okay?” he asks, smiling, and instantly, I feel more relaxed.
“Yeah…” I smile back, taking a bite out of my apple to give me something to do. “You?”
His eyes drop to my lips for a couple of seconds, and I try to ignore the fluttering in my tummy, and beg my cheeks to stay a normal colour instead of blushing pink.
“Yeah,” he says back quietly, and then it’s silent again.
Okay, it’s never been like this. As much as I feel awkward in my head, it’s never actually been awkward.
“Bon?” He looks into my eyes, and I nod to show that I’m listening. “What was King talking about?”
My brow furrows.
“When?”
He shuffles forwards a little more.
“He shouted to you just now. “What would you tell Puck?’”
My cheeks heat, and this time I can’t stop it. Now I really don’t know what to say.
I could be honest and take the chance of scaring him away or making things between us different forever. Yes, he might know I have feelings for him, but I’ve never once spoken about them aloud, much less to him.
Or I could lie to him, but then what kind of best friend lies to another?
“It was just a silly joke,” I start, not quite a lie. “He asked me what I was doing today, so I said I was going to go shopping, and when I walked home, I’d bump into a guy.” I shrug my shoulders, trying to act chill about the whole thing.
“A guy?” he asks, standing still a few feet in front of me.
“Yes. I was joking. Said a guy might walk me home and hold my hand.”
At that, my hands start to feel sweaty, and I wipe one on my shorts, and with the other, bring the apple back to my mouth to give me something to do.
Puck stalks even closer, and I feel sick. Like physically sick to my stomach. With excitement or nerves, I’m not sure, but I’m terrified I’m going to actually throw up on him, considering he’s so close now.
I bite into the apple and pull it away, chewing on it slowly so I don’t accidentally choke on it. Right now, that feels like something I would do.
And just as I swallow and go to open my mouth to divert the attention away from whatever is happening, he lifts his right hand, using his thumb to swipe away the juice that has dribbled onto my chin.
My breath catches in my throat, and more than anything, I wish I could lean forwards and kiss him.
What is he doing? Why is he so close to me?
He’s touched me millions of times before, wiping dirt off my arms or brushing my hair behind my ear, or swiping a tear away from my cheek. But why is this different?
As much as I have dreamt of this moment since I first laid eyes on him, now it’s here, I don’t know what to do.
I’ve never kissed a boy before. What do I know about kissing boys other than what the books and movies tell me? Is it really as it’s described?
I stumble back a little, my heel tripping against a root in the ground, and instead of successfully putting some distance between us, Puck holds me upright, until I’ve regained my balance, right in front of him.
I’m talking chest to chest, toe to toe. I can feel his breath on my face as I look up at him when he speaks.
“Well, I’m glad it’s all make-believe, Bon,” he starts, and I drop the apple, squeezing my hands into fists because I don’t know what to do with them. “Because that would make me really sad.”
I don’t know what to make of his statement, so instead I deflect and turn the conversation into my depressing existence.
“You haven’t got to worry about me meeting anyone, because we all know I’m never going anywhere.”
His eyebrows pinch, and his hand reaches up to tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear.
“You met me. And I’ll take you wherever you want to go.”
He leans down slowly, and I can see the uncertainty in his eyes that reflects mine. I’m glad I’m not the only one freaking out here.
And in the longest few seconds of my whole entire life, Puck’s mouth meets mine, a soft and wet feeling that seeps onto my own lips, making my head burst.
I press my lips back into his, closing my eyes and trying to think of a conscious thought that isn’t just ‘oh my God, Puck’s lips are on mine. He’s kissing me, he’s actually kissing me!’
But I can’t, because that is all that’s going through my head. I lift my hands to rest on his arms that are dangling by his sides, and I squeeze, not knowing what to do with myself.
I can feel my palms getting clammy, a trickle of sweat dripping down my back. And the butterflies I experience when I’m around him are times ten.
I want to caress his face, pop my foot, open my mouth a little further.
I want to experience everything I’ve read about, because Puck makes me feel so special.
This is it, the moment I have been waiting for my whole life. The feeling that all fairy tales end with, I am experiencing right now.
With Puck.
With my Peter Pan.
Maybe I could be Wendy Darling, after all.