11. Bonnie
Iran.
I don’t know why, I can’t explain it.
Kissing Puck is all I’ve ever wanted. I want to be in his arms. I want him to want me. I want him to kiss me.
I have since the moment I laid eyes on him, since the moment I started reading romance books.
But I did it all wrong.
I got the kiss, and instead of going in for another, or holding his hand or smiling up at him. I ran away.
Because I’m scared.
Running into my bedroom, I slam the door shut behind me and press myself against it, trying to catch my breath.
He kissed me. Puck kissed me.
I bring my fingertips to my lips, gently brushing them over the moisture that still resides on my bottom lip.
My stomach is twisting, my heart is palpitating, and my head is spinning.
And even though during the kiss my mind was bursting with every happy feeling imaginable, every colour in the rainbow, every nerve ending in my body on fire, my first thought after his lips left mine were flashes of a future we could never have.
Puck deserves the world.
He deserves someone who can give him that.
I can’t.
I’m just a Lost Boy from Neverland.
Tears trickle down my cheeks, and I resent myself for plaguing my mind with these thoughts.
A girl is supposed to swoon and shy away when the boy she loves kisses her. He’ll then hold her hand, stroke away the blush on her cheeks, and whisper words of happiness in her ear. He’ll take her on a date, and they’ll go on adventures. And then she’ll go home, think about him all night, desperate for the sun to rise just so she can see him again.
But a sunrise stops becoming special when it rises over the same four walls every day. And any adventure I have to give doesn’t go past the gates to the driveway or the trees in the forest.
There’s a knock at my door, which makes me jump, and I squeeze my eyes tight, hoping that whoever is behind the door, probably Maria, will walk away if I stay silent.
Oh God, what am I going to tell Maria?
“Bon,” Puck’s soft voice calls out from the other side.
I stay quiet, part frightened to open the door and be faced with him and part embarrassed that I have to explain why I ran in the first place.
“Bonnie, I’m sorry if I upset you.”
My head sags against the door, and I draw a deep breath, trying to find the words to explain.
Turning around, I pull the door open and look into his hazel eyes, shame filling me from head to toe at the look of guilt resting on his face.
“You didn’t upset me,” I say softly, opening the door wider for him to enter.
“Then why are you crying?” He steps past me, and I drop my hand from the door, leaving it open slightly.
“Was it…” He swallows. “Bad?”
I can’t help it, a small giggle falls from my mouth, and his eyebrows draw into a frown.
“No, it wasn’t bad.”
“Then why are you laughing?”
“Honestly, because I should be asking you that question. It was my first kiss. Was I bad?”
He shakes his head, a small smile playing on his lips.
“If it wasn’t bad, then why did you run away, Bonbon?”
My stomach flips at the nickname.
“It’s silly,” I confess and turn away from him, walking over to the windowsill, my fingers pushing the hands on my old clock around and around to give me something to do.
“Bonnie,” he coaxes, and I sigh in defeat, knowing he won’t leave it alone.
“It wasn’t bad. In fact, it was everything I could have ever dreamt of. It-” I pause, debating on whether to continue, but I figure I’ve come this far. I might as well let it all out on my sleeve. “It was everything I dream of. There’s nothing I’ve wanted more in six years than to kiss you, Puck.”
My cheeks flame red, and I turn away completely, looking at the clock face instead that hasn’t worked in years as I spin the minute hand around in circles.
“Then what’s wrong?” he asks innocently.
“It’s not like we could be together.” I shrug.
“Why not?”
“Because you’re you and I’m me.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I turn to look at him, and he stands there, arms dangling by his sides and a look of concern etched on his face.
“Look at us, Puck. You have a whole life ahead of you. You can go out, meet people, have new experiences, explore the world. I can’t do that. I’m stuck here, and this is all I will ever be.”
I realise how dramatic I sound, but it’s true. I’ll never be allowed to leave here, except in death, maybe.
“Bonnie, you’re not stuck. We can-”
But I cut him off, because whatever he says won’t change my reality.
“Yes, I am. No one knows I exist!”
I’m shouting now, and tears are pouring down my cheeks. It’s not Puck’s fault, but I know that no matter what happens, nothing can ever go beyond the grounds of this mansion. Daddy just simply wouldn’t allow it.
“They will, Bonnie. If we just give it time, we can-”
“I DON’T HAVE TIME!” I shout, throwing the clock against the wall and watching it shatter on the ground. “I don’t get time to meet people. I don’t get time to wander free. I don’t get time to grow old and have a family and see the world. All I have time for is you and King and Dax and these four walls.”
Puck steps toward me, crunching some of the plastic of the clock on his way.
“Bonnie, it doesn’t have to be like that. We can run away.”
I laugh bitterly. I might be sheltered and young, but I’m not that na?ve. Running away isn’t that simple, it never is. There isn’t a life for me outside of here.
“We’re not Peter Pan and Wendy, Puck. There is no Neverland. There is no second star on the right.”
“We can make one.”
I drop to the floor, pulling my knees up and burying my head.
“Daddy would never allow it.”
I wonder what my daddy would do if I left. Would he chase me? Capture me and bring me back? Would he act like I never existed, which he does anyway, and just let me be free? If it were that easy, I’d have done it by now, right?
But even if he did let me go, I’d never stop looking over my shoulder, waiting to be dragged back to reality. My actual reality.
After a few seconds of brutal silence, Puck’s voice echoes around me.
“I don’t care what Carlo thinks. I don’t care what he allows. He doesn’t get to do this to you, Bonnie.”
“He can, and he will.”
“When you’re eighteen, then you can leave. He’ll have no right to keep you here.”
“Of course, he will. He’s my dad.”
Puck drops down next to me, cradling me in his arms like he’s done many times, used to my tears dampening his top.
“That man is no father to you, Bon. A father is supposed to love and care and protect their child, not do the complete opposite.”
And even though I know it’s true, it makes me sob louder. Because all I’ve ever wanted is the affection and love from him.
Why does he hate me so much?
Why does he treat me like I’m dirt? Invisible? Nobody?
My heart cracks the longer I think about how much of an impact Daddy has had on my life. I’ve never gotten to be the normal teenager, and the one and only time I get my first real experience, my first kiss, it’s ruined by him instantly, whether he knows it or not.
“Bon,” Puck says after minutes of silence have passed, where my sobs turned to quiet sniffles. He pulls back from me, lifting my chin so he can look into my eyes.
“We will find our time. Whether it’s tomorrow or next year. Whether it’s in another lifetime. But know that nothing will take away our time together. Me and you, till our Neverland.”
He leans forward, pecking me on the lips before cradling me in his arms again. And I think at some point I must fall asleep, because I wake up, alone in my room, with a handwritten letter on my pillow.