20. Bonnie
Sleeping with Puck was the greatest but also the scariest night of my life. I hadn’t anticipated the extreme levels of love and safety it would bring me. So much so that I’m terrified every time we do it again, it could be our last.
It’s almost too good to be true.
I know that sounds silly, but a few weeks have passed, and we’ve been happy just being Puck and Bonnie again. It was our little secret. We didn’t tell anyone else, and when it’s just us cuddling in the quiet house in the black of night, I still get that fuzzy feeling in my stomach.
And though it’s only happened a couple of times since, we’re just taking each day as it comes.
After all, we have our whole lives, right?
At least, I thought so.
Four weeks have passed since that wonderful night in the same way every week passes. With love, laughter, and only the best time with my boys.
King has been glued to his phone, but he has this smile on his face that I’ve never really seen before so I don’t mind.
Dax is as happy as ever, just content to be living with his best friends, his family.
And me and Puck are as strong as ever.
But around four weeks later, when I’m sitting on the toilet, my eyes catch the box of sanitary towels on the shelf next to the sink and my stomach drops. When the hell was my last period?
I jump off the toilet, barely washing my hands, and run to the calendar on the wall. I try to count back the weeks, forcing my brain to have some recollection of when it was, but I can’t focus or remember.
When the hell was it?
I use my finger to count back, desperately trying to recollect what I did on each day to remember if I was on my period or not, but there’s nothing, not for a good few weeks.
Oh God.
Why have I missed a period?
I’m not stupid. I know how sex works, but we used a condom. A condom is supposed to prevent this. We did everything right.
There’s no way I could be pregnant. Right?
My breathing picks up, and I’m almost panting as I start to hyperventilate, struggling to catch a breath. I curl up into a ball and rock back and forth. Tears spring to my eyes, and I squeeze them shut, desperate to recall my last period.
It must’ve been last week, and I’ve just forgotten.
Yes, that’s right.
But it doesn’t matter how many times I try to convince myself; I know it’s not true.
What is happening? This kind of thing isn’t supposed to happen. At least not to me.
We were so careful. We did everything right.
“Bonnie?” Maria’s concerned voice calls from my open doorway, and it only makes me sob harder.
I try to bury myself into my knees, desperately hoping that if I can’t see her, she won’t see me.
“Bonnie, what’s happened?” Maria asks, more demanding this time as she rushes forward, closing the door behind her and scooping me into her arms.
“We, we were careful,” I sob, my tears soaking into her shirt. “We were. We did it all right.”
“Bonnie?”
I try to calm myself down to make it make sense.
“We were so careful, Maria. I promise, we were.”
Maria is quiet, for almost too long, and I squeeze her tightly, too tightly, so she can’t let me go.
Oh God, what have I done?
“Bonnie,” Maria whispers again, and I feel her hand stroke knowingly down my back.
“How do you know?”
I take in a deep breath and pull back a little to look at her.
“I haven’t had a period. I can’t remember when it was,” I whisper, shame eating away at me.
“I’m so sorry, Maria. We were so careful,” I repeat, and she just nods.
I can’t read her. On the outside, she seems calm and collected, but there’s something in her eyes, a spark of disappointment, maybe? And it stirs my gut the wrong way. I hate that I’ve let her down. God, I couldn’t bear it if Maria was ashamed of me.
She breaks the silence and my racing thoughts.
“Did you use a condom?”
I nod frantically.
“Yes, we did. I promise we did. Please, don’t be mad at Puck. He didn’t do anything wrong. He did everything right, he was the one, he was, he didn’t,” I stammer, but Maria shushes me as my sobs start to get louder.
“Bonnie, I”m not mad at Puck. Or you. But we don’t know for sure. I’ll get you a test, okay, and then we’ll know.
“Maria,” I whisper through my sobs. “He’s going to kill me.”
The room is so quiet, you’d hear a pin drop.
We both stand frozen on the spot, our thoughts racing, not over Puck, but Carlo. At my revelation, at the truth behind it, at the possibility of it coming true. Because it is, we know he’s more than capable of it.
My heart starts to accelerate even more. I don’t want to die. Not yet, not now. I can’t die now.
“I won’t let that man do anything to you, Bonnie. Not to you, nor my son.”
And there’s a look so strong, so defiant and real in her statement, I nod slowly, letting the words bring me a smidge of comfort. But, if it came to that, would Maria really be able to help?
She stands up, pulling me with her, as she leads me to my bed, laying me gently on the mattress and tucking me safely under the covers.
“Stay here, okay? The boys are downstairs in the games room, so they shouldn”t bother you just yet. I’ll be twenty minutes, tops.”
With that, Maria leaves my room and closes it softly behind her.
My head is pounding, and my eyes are swollen and achy.
How could this happen? We were so careful.
I pull Puck’s journal out from underneath my pillow and torture myself by reading his love letters to me.
How did we end up here?
What feels like hours later, Maria comes back with a couple of boxes in her hands, and I start to feel sick.
I don’t want to do this.
“Maria, I can’t do this, I don’t want to, I, I can’t.” I start to panic again.
“Bonnie, we need to know.”
“What about Puck? We need to tell him.”
“Puck doesn’t need to know right this second. Let’s just find out if you are, and then we can tell him, okay?”
I nod, because she’s right. Either way, Puck needs to know, but at least this way we’ll know what we’re telling him.
“Come on, I’ll come with you,” Maria whispers, holding out her hand to grab mine.
I tentatively take it, and she walks me to the bathroom.
Explaining slowly what I have to do, she passes me the tests, and after waiting an extremely long time to gather the courage to pee on the sticks, I do.
But I don’t dare look at them once they’re on the bathroom sink.
This can’t be my life.
I’m already trapped here. I can’t trap a baby too.
I can’t even look after myself.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
Me and Puck were going to get out. The world was ours, till Neverland.
“Bonnie,” Maria says quietly, but I just shake my head.
“I can’t look. You’ll have to do it, Maria. I can’t.” I rush back over to my bed, clutching the journal and holding it close.
Taking a deep breath, I hear Maria lift the plastic, and my heart falls out of my chest.
Because the silence is too loud. The heavy dose of sympathy waving off Maria and onto me, even though I’m not facing her, is strong.
“Bonnie.”
“No,” I whisper back, my palms growing clammy, my skin prickling all over.
“Bonnie,” Maria says again, and that’s when I feel her hands grasp my arms, and I sink into her.
“Maria, I can’t be pregnant. I can’t.”
She holds me whilst I cry and cry, my sobs so loud I wouldn”t be surprised if the whole mansion could hear.
My hand rests against my stomach, and the urge to throw up rises up to my throat. Oh God, there’s a baby in there? My whole body shakes as I try to come to terms with what’s happening.
“Maria, what am I going to do? I can’t be pregnant.”
But before Maria can answer, before she even opens her mouth, a loud, evil laugh booms from the hallway at the open door to my bedroom.
Maria didn’t shut it in her rush to bring me the tests.
Carlo stands on the other side, fat and ugly and even more evil than I’ve ever seen him before, and my face pales.
How can he know before I’ve even told Puck? This wasn’t how any of this was supposed to go.
“You know,” Carlo starts when neither of us makes a move. “I never actually saw this coming.”
His laugh fills the empty space again.
“Carlo,” Maria says softly, and I whip my head to her. She’s never spoken a word to him, never talked back, never acknowledged him. Because it’s not her place. And she knows that.
The fact she’s trying to stick up for me has me loving her more than I ever have before, but I’m also terrified.
“You,” Carlo says coldly, not even looking her way, “have done enough.”
He steps forwards, and Maria clings onto my arm tighter.
“Daddy,” I whisper out of habit, my voice stuttering. My hands continue to shake, but for an entirely different reason. This man has taken my whole life from me, everything a normal girl should’ve had. I cannot let him take this too.
Even though the thought of being pregnant is terrifying, already I want to protect this baby from the man who supposedly raised me.
“Come with me,” Carlo says coldly, stepping even closer. One of his men steps into the room behind him, and I cling right back onto Maria.
I shake my head, terrified for my life.
Literally.
“Come with me, Bonnie.”
My name falling from his mouth boils like molten lava through my veins. How dare he?
This man took away everything, and I lived with it. But not now. It isn’t just about me now. It’s about Puck and our baby. I refuse to cower so easily this time.
“Oh, so now you know my name?” I question bravely.
I’ve tried this game before, and I’ve always lost. But I have way too much to lose now.
“Bonnie,” Maria whispers to me, because she knows that it’s the wrong move.
But what she doesn’t understand is that whatever move I make, it’ll always be the wrong one. Sometimes, you’re just a pawn on the board, and you’ll be the one that gets knocked off regardless. So it doesn’t matter what move I make, I’ll be the one that loses. Over and over again.
“Come with me,” Carlo says again, but I stand my ground, shaking my head. I straighten my spine, raising my chin and standing as tall as I can up against him.
I will not cower. Not this time. Not when it’s not just about me anymore.
After a stare-down of about ten seconds, Carlo nods, and the lackey at his back stomps further inside, wrenching Maria away from my side.
I try to cling onto her, adamant to protect her the way she always has for me, but it doesn’t work. Her hand slips out of mine, and Maria is hauled away from me, being dragged out of the room.
Tears fall down her cheeks, as do mine, and before she disappears from sight, our eyes connect, and she mouths one simple word.
Run.
“Maria!” I shout, trying to dodge Carlo to get to her, but his strong, large hand has a solid and harsh grip on my arm. And when I try to fight him off, he reaches around my waist, throwing me over his shoulder.
I kick and scream with all my might, hoping that King, Dax, or Puck will hear my cries of help, but if what Maria said is true and they’re still in the games room, I know they will never hear me.
Carlo carries me through the house, and as we pass rooms, another of Carlo’s men appears and follows us through the house.
By the time we get to a door on the far side of the house, there must be about fifteen of Carlo’s men behind us.
Carlo fumbles with a key, and then opens it, carrying me down a set of stairs and into a dark room that smells damp.
He eventually throws me onto my feet once we hit the bottom, and I stumble back into a set of bars.
Looking around, it’s like cells. I never knew we had cells underneath the mansion?
With a loud clunk and not a single word spoken, Carlo slams the gate shut and turns to head back up the stairs.
“I’m going to deal with the boy. Don’t let her out of your sight.”
And even though I scream and shout my protests to leave Puck alone, Carlo leaves me here, with his men watching me like a hawk.
I scream. So loud it echoes off the walls I’m surrounded by. So haunting, Carlo’s men take a step back. It’s a scream full of sorrow and despair. Of pain and suffering. Of love and loss.
My father, the man who is supposed to protect me, gone to hurt the man who took his place.
And looking down at my hands, seeing Puck’s journal still held tightly in my fingers, I cradle it close to my chest and realise I am never going to see him again.