37. Mac
THIRTY-SEVEN
MAC
If anyone asks why my mouth decided to betray me, why it felt the need to spill the secret I’ve kept since I was seventeen, I’ll blame my mom. Use her repeat performance of showing how effective Narcan is as an excuse. That’s to blame for my lack of restraint.
My emotions are out of control, swinging from one extreme to the other in a blink of an eye. I can’t keep up with them. My head is a clusterfuck of chaos. I don’t know what I’m doing, or how I’m gonna react to the next inevitable blow.
I’ve always prided myself on my ability to be rational. To look at a crisis and find the best course of action to get out of it. But right now, I can’t do that. I just can’t.
The rug has been yanked from under my feet so many times in the last few hours, leaving me unsteady and on the verge of collapse.
Logically, I can distance myself from my parents. Henry made sure of that. Always quick to scold my self-deprecating statements. Twisting my view of myself until I saw a spark of value. But right now, the only value I see is in Sage. That’s gonna have to be enough for right now.
I hate that I’m breaking right alongside him. He should be given time to grieve his losses, not shoving it back to piece me back together.
Whatever panic I had over Karen’s possible death has long since faded. By the time we make it back to the park, it’s nothing but an embarrassing memory. Replaced with only love for the man beside me.
Thankfully, the park is silent when we return. Everyone going back to their lives now that the show is over. The cops are gone; my mother’s gone. The only evidence it happened at all is the busted door of my old home and tire marks left in the front yard.
My mom will never be that version I created in my head.
She’ll never apologize, or grow, or offer me comfort.
I think I freaked out for a reality that will never exist. But now with the cops no longer banging on the front door, my memories no longer clawing their way into the present, I feel nothing.
No panic, sorrow, or grief. Maybe now, Karen will get the punishment she deserves.
Henry’s truck finally comes into view, and with it, relief. I just want to go back to the apartment and shut out everything. All the shit I still need to figure out can wait. Maybe tomorrow.
With one goal in mind, I walk towards the truck. But Sage stops me with a tug on my hand, tipping his head towards June’s trailer.
“Give me a minute,” he says, releasing my hand. I spot June waiting by the door of her trailer, holding a mug that has steam rising up towards her. She sets the mug down on the rusted railing and walks out, meeting us on the front steps.
Sage rubs the back of his neck and looks at June. “Sorry…about before. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that,” he says sheepishly, looking like a kid about to be reprimanded. But June just smiles and shakes her head.
“Nonsense, honey. I shouldn’t have tried to stop you.” Her eyes move to me, and I feel myself shrink under her pity. “You alright?”
“Uh yeah…” I fidget under her gaze, understanding why Sage hates others’ empathy so damn much. It makes my skin crawl, and I want to run away from it. I’m also embarrassed with how I flipped out before.
“They took Karen to St. Albert’s. She was stable by the time they left. Alex has a shift at the hospital tonight and promised to keep me updated. You want me to give her your number?”
“No!” I blurt out quickly. I don’t want updates; I don’t want any more to do with her. I don’t think my fragile psyche could handle that right now.
June nods in understanding. “You should know that she’s been arrested.
Once she’s cleared from the hospital, she’ll be taken into police custody.
” For some reason, I’m filled with relief with that news.
Relief that she’ll be gone, unable to hurt us any more from behind bars.
And maybe relief that she won’t be able to do any drugs for a while, but I don’t let myself focus on that.
I know there will be more questions, more investigations. But for tonight, she’s dealt with.
“Which brings me to my next point,” June says, smiling again. She pauses for some sort of dramatic effect. And my heart can’t take it. I tense up for that inevitable blow I knew would come. I had false hope it wouldn’t come so soon, but here we are.
“I spoke with Francis, the property manager of Jessie James. Your mother hasn’t paid rent in two months; he was going to kick her out at the end of the week. I asked if you boys could take over. He said it’s yours if you want it.” Wait. What? Back up. Move back into that trailer?
Sage looks over his shoulder back at me. His eyes are wide with the disbelief I feel. Can we do that? Do I want to? Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. That’s all I got, just—holy shit.
“I went around and asked everyone for help. Got enough money so your first month’s rent is covered. You boys have a lot of people who care about you. We all just want to make sure you’re taken care of.” We both just stand there, dumbfounded and at a complete loss of words.
“Jenifer, Marlene, and Mary-Kate all agreed to help get the trailer cleaned out for you if you choose to take it. If not, the money everyone pitched in will help you boys find somewhere else to live.” Emotions too big to understand build up behind my eyes.
I’m too raw, emotionally spent. June must see that, and she chuckles, patting Sage’s cheek gently.
“No need to decide right now, the cops haven’t released the trailer as evidence yet, anyway. But when they do, you have a home here. If you want it.” She dips down and kisses Sage’s cheek.
I should say something, thank her, hug her, something. But I can’t move. People are trying to help us, putting time and money into finding us a home.
“June. Fuck.” Sage starts tugging at his hair. “Thank you. You didn’t have to do that,” he says the words I couldn’t speak. Stepping up on the stairs, he wraps her in a tight embrace. June smiles and returns the hug fiercely, her eyes glassing over with tears.
“Ooh,” she says in her usual inflection when we’d say something she deemed ridiculous. “I love you both so much. You know that. I’d do anything for you. Always thought of you as my own. I hated that I couldn’t do more over the years.” Her voice chokes with the overwhelming emotions we all feel.
“We know, and we love you so goddamn much, June. Thank you,” I finally speak, finding words that are nowhere near enough.
Moving over to join yet another group hug.
June’s familiar, sweet lavender scent fills my nose, making me feel at home.
I bury my face in her fluffy bathrobe, the material tickling my nose.
My mom might be a piece of shit, but I always had June. She was more of a mother than mine could ever be. Sweet and kind, gentle and caring, everything I used to pretend my mom could be if she stopped using.
For the second time today, I cry. Soaking the shoulder of June’s bathrobe. She pats my back and kisses my temple. Soothing me like she always has. Like a mother should.
I’ve always had a family. June, Sage’s mom, Sage, and all of June’s ladies. Fuck Dave and Karen. They didn’t raise me.
Jessie James Trailer Park did.