Chapter 10
Simone
I wring my fingers together as Camden answers the front door.
I’m nervous about meeting with Master Quinten.
He’s called Master in the BDSM community.
Obviously, that’s not what Camden calls him as a peer and friend, but I know him from Surrender.
He’s a strong Dom with two partners—Master Grayson and Josie.
I’ve never met with him professionally, so I’m nervous as Camden steps back to let him in.
“Thank you so much for coming to the house, and on such short notice,” Camden says as they shake hands.
“No problem. I totally understand why the office isn’t a good option right now, and I had this morning free, so it worked out perfectly.” Master Quinten turns to me and smiles. “Good morning, Simone.”
“Good morning, Sir.” I grab Camden’s arm. I’m usually outgoing and have no trouble meeting new people, but this is different. I’m not myself.
“Come into the den. It’s more comfortable there.” Camden keeps a protective arm around me as he leads us to the den.
Master Quinten looks around. “Where would you like to sit, Simone?”
On Camden’s lap , I think to myself.
Camden guides me to the spot on the loveseat where I often sit when we’re in this room. He helps me get situated and then squats in front of me. “I’m going to leave the room so you can talk to Quinten about anything you want.”
I frown. “We’re not going to talk about you. I don’t have any secrets from you.”
He smiles. “You probably will talk about me, Little one. You should . I play an important role in your feelings and emotions. That’s not a bad thing. It’s just how it is. Be brave.”
“Okay.” I take a deep breath as Camden leaves the room. He shuts the door.
Master Quinten has taken a seat in an armchair across from me. “Camden told me what happened last week. It sounds very scary.”
“Yeah, it was. I’m healing, though, and I just want to move on with my life, Sir. Or, uh, Master.”
“Call me Quinten, Simone. We’re not at the club.”
“Yes, Sir.” I can’t quite bring myself to use his first name.
He smiles warmly. “It’s understandable that you’d like to put your attack behind you. Sometimes survivors really want to move on, but they find themselves stuck.”
“Yes. That’s what’s happening. I want to forget.”
“Forgetting isn’t likely to ever happen. Instead, you’re better off facing what happened, working through it, and processing it. If you feel angry or scared, you’ll heal faster emotionally if you talk about your feelings instead of stuffing them down and trying to ignore them.”
I nod. I’m sitting ramrod straight, and I’ve tucked my fingers under my thighs.
“Camden tells me a man jumped out of nowhere, grabbed you, and tried to take you with him. You fought hard, kneed him in the balls, and managed to scratch his face. Then he tackled you to the ground and got in a few good punches before someone showed up, and your assailant took off.”
“Yeah.”
“Have the police found him?”
“Not yet.”
“Does that scare you?”
I shrug. “I guess. I try not to think about it.”
“I bet you have mixed feelings about the police finding him.”
My eyes widen. “How do you know that?”
“It’s common. It’s a catch twenty-two. On the one hand, you want him caught and punished for what he did.
That same part of you doesn’t want anything like this to happen to anyone else.
But, on the other hand, the thought of him being arrested is scary because what if he gets released and comes after you? ”
I smile. “Exactly.” I guess Quinten deals with shit like this sometimes. This isn’t his first rodeo. That makes me feel confident in his ability to help me.
“Are you sleeping okay?”
“Usually. But only because Camden holds me in the night.”
“That’s good. I bet that makes you feel safe.”
“That and the fact that this is a gated community, the house is a fortress, and my attacker has no idea where I am.”
“Does he know who you are?”
“I don’t think so, but I can’t be sure. I don’t know if he picked me at random, if he stalked my apartment building, or if he followed me home from Surrender.”
“Ah. You were at Surrender that night?”
“Yes.”
“I see. Has anyone spoken with Roman?”
“Yes. The police showed him the sketch. He didn’t recognize the man. I didn’t either, but I mostly go to the daycare room. I don’t pay attention to the other people in the rest of the club.”
“Makes sense.”
“You know nothing can happen to you inside this house, right?”
“Yes, intellectually. It’s not so much that I’m worried about my safety. Normally, when I zone out, it’s because I’m reliving those moments and trying to figure out a way to go back in time and do things differently so it never happens.”
“Also common. Unfortunately, you can’t go back. You don’t want him to take your power from you. You don’t want to look up two years from now and realize he’s holding you back.”
“Yeah. I’ve thought of that. It’s just hard.”
“I know it is. It’s only been a week. Don’t rush yourself. You need time to heal. You haven’t totally recovered from your physical injuries.”
For some reason, tears well up in my eyes and run down my cheeks. I tug my hands free and swipe at them. I don’t know why I’m suddenly crying. I try to stop, but I can’t.
“It’s okay to feel emotional, Simone. Normal. Have you let yourself cry?”
“Some.”
“You’ll feel better if you let the emotions come out. Keeping them bottled up only puts off the grieving process. I bet Camden is good with your tears, huh? He’s one of the most sympathetic, level men I know.”
I nod. “He’s really good. He treats me like I’m a princess.”
“As you should be. You are a princess, after all.” He smiles. “All Littles are princesses. Except, of course, for the ones who don’t want to be.” He switches to a silly, stern look.
I giggle. “I don’t know any Littles like that.”
“I don’t either, but I suppose there could be some.”
“I guess I pretended to be like that for a while.”
“When was this?”
“For the last semester. I’ve been flirting mercilessly with Professor Arnalt for four years. I kept trying to tempt him. I went through a lot of different phases. The last one was a goth Middle. I even dyed my hair black and wore black makeup and clothes.”
Quinten chuckles. “You really did try to woo him. He didn’t fall for it?”
“No. He didn’t want to get fired.”
“Well, there is that.”
“I was so naughty. I feel bad when I think back on some of the things I did. Even though I fantasized about him all the time, I never thought he saw me as anything more than an annoying girl with a ridiculous crush.”
“Apparently, he saw you as more than that.”
“Yeah. He says so.”
“You don’t believe him?”
“I do. I mostly do. I mean, I’m not sure if he would have contacted me if I hadn’t needed him to rescue me that night. He was still putting distance between us so there would never be any accusations from the university that we’d been together before I graduated.”
“Reasonable. But you doubt him?”
“Not really. It’s just so hard to believe I’m really here.”
“What does he tell you?”
“That I’m his and he’s never letting me go.”
“Do you think there’s a single chance in hell he would say that if it weren’t true?”
“No.” I look down.
“I agree. Not a chance. Not Camden. He would never say things to placate you. Have you tried submitting to him this past week?”
“Submitting how? I’m always submitting to him.”
Quinten laughs. “Touché. Not just submitting, but an impact scene might help you purge some of your icky feelings. A lot of people—especially Littles—can get a cathartic cry out of a good, hard spanking. Some even need a paddle or a crop.”
I squirm. That sounds amazing. I wonder if Camden would do it. “I think he’s worried about my emotional stability.”
“Do you think you’re ready for something like that?”
“Yes.” I don’t even hesitate.
“Have you done any impact scenes in the past?”
“No.”
He rubs his chin. “That does make things a bit trickier because you don’t know how you might react under normal circumstances. Nor does Camden. Also you don’t know how hard you like to be spanked or if you like to get release from a good cry.”
I deflate, my shoulders dropping.
“I’m not suggesting you don’t try. Just that Camden needs to take his time and check in with you often. How about if we bring him in when we’re done and talk to him about his feelings on the subject?”
I nod. Will he go for it? I’m not sure. He’s so careful with me.
“Talk to me about intimacy,” Quinten suddenly says, changing the subject four hundred and seventy billion degrees.
My cheeks heat.
“Have you had sex this past week?”
I look at my hands. I’m so embarrassed.
“There’s no right or wrong answer, Little one. I’m just trying to help figure out what might help and what won’t.”
I lick my lips. “I’ve never had sex.”
“Ah. Okay. And Camden knows this, I assume?”
“Yes. That’s probably why he won’t touch me intimately. It’s super frustrating sometimes. I know at first, I was really injured, but I’m better now. I wish he would stop coddling me.”
“Coddling isn’t always a bad thing.”
I shrug.
“But you’d like more.”
“Yes,” I whisper. This is beyond humiliating.
“I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.
I’m asking these questions because when people suffer trauma, they often have problems with intimacy or lack of.
Sometimes, the person has trouble letting their partner touch them.
Even when an assault survivor wasn’t raped, they still might feel like they don’t want to be touched. ”
“I don’t have that problem.”
“And then there’s the partner. They’re also dealing with the assault.
They might feel angry with themselves for not being there.
They might blame themselves. They might be anxious about touching their partner intimately either because they’re pissed off or because they’re afraid of traumatizing their significant other. ”
“I think it’s all of those things. I know Camden plays the what-if game at least as much as I do. He’s mad at himself for not connecting with me sooner, so this wouldn’t have happened.”
Quinten lifts his brows. “That’s pretty cocky, even for Camden. If you were ten dates into your relationship, you still could have been attacked that night.”
I start laughing so hard I have to cover my mouth to try and stifle the giggles.
Quinten looks amused, smiling, but he waits for me to respond.
I shake my head. “Camden and I both know I never would have returned to my apartment from the onset of our first date. He would have brought me home and never let me go.”
Quinten’s smile grows. “That’s so sweet.”
“It is. But we also would have had sex that night. Instead, we have not had sex at all. We haven’t even kissed.”
“And you’d like to.”
“Yes. He needs to stop tiptoeing around me like I’ll break.”
“I can see how you’d be frustrated. I can also see that Camden is being careful. He doesn’t want to risk you panicking.”
I finally lean back in the corner of the loveseat. “I think the reason he wanted me to talk to you is so you could tell us if you think I’m stable enough to make decisions about spankings and sex. I think he needs you to sign off on my mental health before he’ll touch me for pain or pleasure.”
“And what do you think? Should I sign off on them?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
I draw in a deep breath. “Physically, I’m almost healed. He’s not going to hurt me by touching me intimately or spanking me. I…” I pause to think and pull my thoughts together. This wasn’t something I expected to be defending today.
Quinten waits.
I clear my throat. “I think if he would let our relationship move to the place it would be without the attack, I wouldn’t be walking on eggshells all the time.
I need the contact. I need the intimacy he insists he intends to give me for the rest of my life.
I need to be able to be naughty and know he will spank me.
This weird dynamic we’ve had for the past week is not us.
It’s surreal. He’s not fully Dadding me like I know he wants and I crave.
He’s also not treating me as Little as I am and he wants.
It’s an odd limbo that I don’t like. It’s uncomfortable. ”
“That’s very insightful, Simone.”
I smile. It really was. I’m not sure I could have fully articulated any of that before. It just came to me.
“I think you have your answer. You need to confront Camden and tell him you’re ready.”
I sit taller. “I think if we were living in the dynamic we both crave, I wouldn’t be staring into space trying to rewrite history. I could focus on being Little and all that entails.”
“I think you are probably right, Little one.”
“Who’s going to tell Camden?”
“You are. Shall we ask him to join us?”