53. Chapter Fifty-Three
And the tabloid at the grocery store checkout has a picture of Charles Malloy with his hand on the small of a young actress’ back.
* * *
Things I never thought I would do before I had a dog—walk to a park, in the dark, alone.
Dolly has given me a freedom I have never had. Being selective as to when I talk to my mother has helped too. And therapy—therapy helps.
I’m not alone in a hell that includes the way my parents treat me, especially in this town. At thirty, I understand I was a mistake—okay, not a mistake. My therapist doesn’t like that. I was a surprise. An epic surprise.
Then I was a trophy.
I was the daughter of two people who loved to see themselves on the fronts of magazines and on TV. They dressed me up and paraded me around.
I was Annie, for such a fleeting moment, but that held some clout. Okay, sure, they didn’t make any effort to see the show more than once, but those are some of the pictures I have on my phone. Those pictures I had to scrape off a website so that I could have a family portrait.
I blow out a breath as I come to the gate of the park.
I’ll need to journal all of that when I get home. Journal it into a book that already has that story in it, but as it came up again, it’s worth noting and getting it out of my head.
The park is lit up, and dogs run and play. I don’t see Loki yet, but Dolly is already tugging against her leash.
“Hold on.” I laugh as I open the gate to the park.
As soon as we’re inside, I take off her leash, and she takes off to find her friends.
A moment later, I feel something brush up against my leg. I look down to see Loki looking up at me.
“Well, there you are, my friend,” I say as I crouch down to pet him, and Dolly hurries over to us. A moment later, they hurry off, and I can feel Milo standing near me as I stand. “Those two are a pair, aren’t they?”
“They have a pretty special relationship,” the voice behind me says, but it’s not Milo’s voice.
Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I tighten my sweater around me as I turn to see Graham standing behind me.
My mouth goes dry as I take him in.
His face is shadowed by the lights, beard growth, and a baseball hat. He looks different. His shoulders are wider, and his chest harder beneath his shirt.
I lift my eyes to his and drink him in. God, I’ve missed him more than I realized. Everything in me aches to pull him to me.
“Hi,” I say, not sure my voice is even loud enough for him to hear.
“Hi,” he says.
It’s as if we’re frozen here, until Dolly and Loki come at us in a full run, brushing past my legs, and knocking me directly into Graham, who is sturdy.
His arms came up around me to hold me in place, and the dogs stop only briefly to look up at us before running off to play.
Graham doesn’t release me. He keeps me folded against him, and I make no attempt to move. It feels different. His chest is wider, and his arms are thicker. But the sensation that it sends through me is the same—love. I’ve never stopped loving this man that I sent away.
I don’t know why he’s here and not in Italy. I don’t know why Milo didn’t come with Loki. All I know is that all the broken pieces inside of me seems to be sewing themselves back together at this moment. This moment was brought to me by my dog—my dog, who seems to be my lifeline lately, all because I lost this man who is holding me.
I can smell Graham. It’s not his cologne or soap, it’s him, and I’ve missed him so much.
His arms tighten around me, and mine around him as I step into him—sink into him. Resting my head on his chest, he tucks me under his chin.
I’m afraid I’m going to wake up and this will all have been a dream, but I’ll take it. It’s all I have left of him.
I feel him press a kiss to the top of my head, and I melt into him more.
“I hope you don’t mind that I’m the one who brought Loki,” he says into my hair.
I ease back and look up at him. “What are you doing here?” I shake my head. “I mean, why aren’t you in Italy?”
The corner of his mouth turns up. “You don’t talk to your father at all, do you?”
“I try not to,” I admit.
Graham lifts a hand to push back a strand of hair that has come loose from my ponytail, and he tucks it behind my ear.
“Olivia overdosed.”
“That I’d heard.”
“We closed down production for now,” he says. “I don’t know when I’ll be back to work.”
“I guess I’d heard that too. I just didn’t know you were back.”
His finger traces down my cheek and over my jaw. “I’ve missed you,” he says.
I swallow hard and force myself to take a step back and compose myself. I’m the one who gave back his ring. I’m the one who called it off. I’m the one who made a scene. I can’t just be standing here, in a dog park, and forgetting why I did that.
I tuck my hands into the pockets of my sweater. “You look good,” I say, and I hope it doesn’t sound creepy the way that I said it.
“Thank you. So do you.”
“Thanks. I’ve been getting out of the house with Dolly more.”
“So I’ve heard.”
The conversation dies there, and the silence becomes awkward.
Dolly and Loki walk the edge of the park, but on the other side. It’s as if they’re kids hoping that their parents won’t call them to go home right away.
“How about we sit for a bit?” Graham says.
I nod and follow him to a nearby bench.
Again, we fall into a silence, and it’s not the same silence we had months ago where we were comfortable in one another’s presence.
I guess the moment we had when the dogs ran into me was all we can have. I did this to us. I caused this.
“How’s your movie going?” Graham asks as he crosses his legs and watches out over the park as the dogs mingle with other dogs.
“It’s good. We’re only a week in with months to go.”
He nods, but he doesn’t look at me.
“What are they saying about yours?” I ask.
He shrugs. “We’re shut down indefinitely right now. I don’t know if we’ll go back when Olivia is out of rehab, or if they’ll replace her, or just shut it down.”
I reach for his hand and give it a squeeze, because it feels like the right thing to do. “I’m sorry.”
He finally turns to look at me and his eyes are soft. “Thanks.”
Dolly comes back to me, and I pull out the water bowl that I have in my bag. I set it on the ground and pour water from the bottle of water I brought into the bowl. Loki looks up at Graham, who shrugs.
“Loki, you can join her,” I say, rubbing Dolly’s side, and she moves over to make room for her friend.
“She’s good for you,” Graham says, studying me. “You light up when she’s around.”
I smile up at him, my hand still on my dog. “She’s helped me through the past few months.”
Graham runs his hand down his face.
“Christina—”
I shake my head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
I begin gathering the items I had taken out of the bag and toss them back in. When Loki and Dolly run off for one more dash through the park, I dump out the bowl, give it a shake, and throw it in the bag.
“We should talk about it. We never did,” he urges, but I shake my head again.
“We got what we wanted.”
“No, we didn’t,” he says, reaching for my hand. “I didn’t get you.”
I draw in a breath and study our hands. “Graham, it wasn’t real.”
“And we both know that’s the real lie.” He releases my hand and whistles for Loki.
As Loki and Dolly walk back toward the bench, Graham stands up and holds Loki’s leash in his hand.
My heart is racing. He’s right here. He came here knowing I was here. I’m pushing him away again, but I don’t have any choice. He’s still committed to my father’s movie, no matter what stage it’s in. I’m knee deep into my movie, and it’s what I wanted.
Graham hooks Loki’s leash, and Loki rubs his nose up against Dolly. Will this be the end for them, too?
“For the record,” Graham says, looking down at his dog and not at me. “I would have given everything up to have had you. It might have started out as some publicity stunt, but I fell in love with you, and my heart is still broken.”
Graham begins to walk toward the gate, and Loki follows.
Dolly rests her head on my lap, and I don’t even try to hold back the tears. I should chase after him. I should run and tell him I’m miserable too. I do love him.
“I really messed up, didn’t I?” I ask my sympathetic dog as I lower my head to hers. “C’mon. Let’s go home.”